Posts Tagged comfort

We Kiss, We Make Up

When last I wrote about my budding relationship with Clark Kent and myself, we had gotten well past the honeymoon stage. We were trying to maintain a relationship across state lines, and it wasn’t easy. That being said, we were still seeing a lot of each other, and I started to wonder if maybe it was too much. I often wondered, maybe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing…

balance-rock-feather_zps9de02a2dWe needed to find balance, and that wasn’t going to be easy. We’d been dating four short months, but, in reality, it felt like we’d been dating for close to a year, even though we were still figuring things out.

That Thursday night, my old roommate was gathering with friends at the new waterfront biergarten in Hoboken for drinks to celebrate his birthday (which I was unaware of until deep into the night). I mentioned it to CK and asked him to join me when he finished work. He agreed, but he had to work later.

When I arrived, I didn’t know too many of my old roommate’s friends in attendance. I began texting and calling other friends to join us. P and S both responded, “On my way.”

As you can imagine, it takes a lot of time to write a blog, so I was utilizing my free time during the day at work to accomplish this. Apparently, my boss took notice to my poor use of free time since he wasn’t seeing any productivity coming from my time between projects. (Perhaps you can understand why I have been neglecting this blog for the past few months).

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This is relevant because I was also coming off a really rough day at work. I received my review that morning, and it was not positive. My only saving grace was a preemptive strike made a few weeks earlier.

I noticed an opportunity to take over our social media duties (which were being completely neglected) and asked my boss if I could take them on. During my review, when he pointed out my poor utilization of free time, I countered with the argument, “That’s why I approached you about taking on the social media duties.” I thought maybe I’d saved my a$$. He countered with, “I only wish you’d come to me about it three years earlier.” I was defeated.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, I learned later that day we’d be merging with another company. So, on top of a bad review, I was petrified of being labeled a redundancy. Two weeks earlier, my career looked to be shaping up. I was taking on a new role, and finding early success. My experience with this blog and other social media was really paying off. Now, it looked as if my whole world could be crumbling around me.

HobokenPier13A majority of it was out of my hands at that point. All I could do was put my nose to the grindstone for the coming weeks. But, on a Thursday night, I needed to forget. That meant I needed more than a few stiff drinks!

I drank beer after beer while mingling with old friends and some new ones. I was having quite a good time, but I was missing CK. I was texting with him back and forth discussing his arrival.

When he finally arrived, I was thrilled to see him. He could be comfort after a rough day, and I was finally properly lubricated enough to have a good time and forget about work, enjoying a night out with my man and friends.

CK grabbed a beer and immediately dove right into the conversation with all of us. I was chatting with S’s roommate, and the discussion quickly changed to his tattoos and body piercings. CK was a bit fascinated by tattoos at that time. He detailed for me the elaborate tattoos he was dreaming of getting.

TattoSleeveRolledUpS’s roommate was very much Mr. Machismo. I wasn’t sure how comfortable he was with the whole “gay thing.” There was just something about his attitude and the way he carried himself that I didn’t think he’d be too comfortable. I never formally came out to him, as I’d only met him a handful of times, but I assumed S clued him in. I was very pleasantly surprised just how cool he was with the whole “gay thing.” He turned out to be quite a laid back guy. It just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover.

The two quickly formed a bond. At some point in the conversation, the roommate started talking about his anxiety over having to fly the next. CK took it upon himself to aid in this situation.

AirplaneSeatImmediately, I was unhappy. My mood shifted abruptly. I shut down. I’ll never quite understand why I react in this way to these types of situations. I think it stems from striving to suppress my feelings at the moment so I don’t create a scene in public. The deeper question is why do I become so enraged in the first place?

This time, CK wasn’t exactly participating. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, however, aiding and abetting someone else’s wrongdoing was equally as bad in my mind. He was enabling behavior he knew I was opposed to. I wasn’t just feeling anger. I was scared. I was afraid I was going to lose him. We’d had this discussion time and time again. If we continued to have the conversation, eventually, he would be faced with an ultimate decision, and there was a chance I would be a casualty of that decision. All of my emotions tied back to this very thought. I was afraid in the end he wouldn’t choose me, and as a result, I would have to choose me. I’d have to say goodbye for my own sanity, facing my greatest fear in life, being alone, on top of losing a man I loved. Obviously, I never wanted it to come to that.

I managed to suppress this anger and feeling of betrayal. My mind was jumping back to all the other times we discussed this very topic. This was only exacerbated because I’d written the blog post about our night at Matinee that afternoon. One of those very conversations was fresh in my mind.

I managed to suppress all this until we walked in the door of my apartment, and then I unleashed. I told him how unacceptable his behavior was, and he was completely dumbfounded. He had no idea why I could be so enraged.

Angry BedOf course this only fed my fury. Had he forgotten all these other times we’d discussed this? Was I living a broken record? We argued extensively about this, and CK threatened to leave multiple times, making it to the door a handful of times.

We finally had a breakthrough at some point when he either feigned to understand my stance, or what I was so vehemently explaining finally sunk in.

We argued a lot about a lot of small things —Things I felt were very important. He felt I was trying to change him. I wasn’t. Honestly! I loved him. I just felt he needed to grow up in some aspects of his life. A person needs to adapt and evolve when entering a relationship, and I still wasn’t sure he was putting in the effort. I wasn’t trying to mold him into my ideal mate. I didn’t have a preconceived notion of who he should be. But, I felt there were some sacrifices he’d need to make to make me happy.

QuestioningManPerhaps I was the one who needed to change. In reality, we both needed to. Only time would tell if we could come to consensus on these types of issues.

Regardless, after fighting, we kissed and made up. Well, we more than made up. This was all followed by a lively romp in the sack. It was so incredible, we both finished at the same time for the first time. As we showered, we discussed our epic make-up sex. “And don’t think you can start picking fights with me just so we can have make-up sex buster,” I punctuated. We both had a good laugh.

No matter how much we fought, at the end of the day, I loved him. He made me happy. I loved that no matter how many times we fought, we always found a way to make up. I wanted to grow old with him, but the key word in that phrase for us would be grow…

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Technical Difficulties

On the night of July 3rd, CK and I slept at his apartment. I had a beach bag packed to head to Fire Island the following day. I insisted if we were going to trek all the way out there, we needed to leave early in the morning to get a full day of it. We also decided to make an effort to come back to the city in time to view the fireworks from his rooftop. We made plans with one of my old roommates and his girlfriend. They were going to join us on his roof since he had such spectacular views of the Hudson River.

When we woke, the weather didn’t look like it was going to be the most cooperative. We checked the report, and there was a threat of thunderstorms all day long. We both agreed to nix the idea of going to the beach and decided to stay local instead. We lounged around his apartment all morning, watching TV and eating a light breakfast, all the while waiting for the rain. When lunch time rolled around, I was anxious to get out of the apartment. It still hadn’t rained, and it was shaping up to be a pretty beautiful day. While we both agreed we could have gone to the beach, we also agreed not going was nice too.

Recently, I broached the subject with him of spending habits. I realized I was spending a lot more money, especially going out to dinner. I proposed a plan to try to cook more and go out less. I didn’t want to keep spending money frivolously, and thought he was probably in the same boat. The topic was well received, and we agreed to make and effort to spend less money.

As we walked to lunch, we made a plan to grab something small and cheap. We ran a few of CK’s errands before finding a spot to grab lunch — Uncle Nick’s, a Greek restaurant in HK. This was not part of the plan. Everything was a bit more expensive than a $5 sandwich. CK reminded me of our frugal conversation, and pointed out this place was not part of the plan. However, since all the portions were larger, I pointed out that this could serve as our dinner as well. We could take the leftovers home and eat them before the fireworks. It would work out nicely since we ate such a late lunch.

This worked out perfectly. We did swing by the grocery store to grab a few snacks for his rooftop to supplement our lunch/dinner. We grabbed chips, humus, cookies and supplies to make sangria. Before digging into making sangria, we decided to check out the scene on the roof. We wanted to know what we were getting ourselves into. CK lived in a large apartment building, and the roof certainly wasn’t going to hold all the residents, especially if they were bringing guests like me. Much to our surprise, it was still fairly sparse, but we knew that wouldn’t last long.

We quickly went downstairs to gather our things so we could lay claim to a prime fireworks viewing spot. As we made sangria, I reached out to two friends who were to be joining us, but they weren’t going to be able to make it. Looked like it was just going to be the two of us. That, and his roommate and the harem of friends he gathered for the night.

We made it back upstairs in time to lay out a blanket and enjoy a drink as the sun set. I was enjoying some quality time with my man before the crowd showed up. After some time, he had to run back downstairs. Of course, he disappeared for quite some time. I was sitting there alone trying to fend for our spot as more and more people arrived. Slowly but surely, his roommate and his friends started showing up. Of course, they assumed we were holding a spot for them, so I was surrounded by them on the blanket — Still no CK. This was not how I wanted to spend the night.

Finally, he came back. By then, the roof was fairly full. Shortly after, the fireworks began. Well, at least I think the fireworks began. CK’s roommate assured us the building had a prime view of the fireworks. He informed us he’d watched them from the roof the year before. LIES! All lies! We couldn’t see the fireworks at all. Immediately, there was both a mass movement forward toward the river to get a better view and a mass exodus out of the building to head to the river. CK and I tried to maneuver the roof to gain a better vantage point. When I turned around, he wasn’t following me.

In the chaos, I wasn’t able to find him again. I looked all over, standing on planters to see over the crowd. I tried calling him, but he wasn’t answering. I assumed he went downstairs, and to be honest, I was pissed. I assumed he abandoned me in an attempt to better view the fireworks. The elevators were overrun with people. I descended the twenty-five floors until I reached the ground floor. Because I didn’t have a building access card, I was a bit trapped. My only option was to walk back up to the top floor. I tried calling and calling, but still, CK was not picking up. When I got back to the roof, I managed to find CK. I explained what happened, and he explained how he was unable to find me. I was disappointed because the romantic night I was hoping for had gone to sh*t. This would be yet another fourth of disappointment. We had a fun day together, and I really enjoyed it. But, I wanted romantic fireworks with my man for our first Fourth of July together.

When the crowd thinned out, we managed to find a decent vantage point. Of course, we got b*tched out by a girl, who after investigation we learned was not a resident of the building. Although our night wasn’t quite as romantic as it could have been, another couple was having an incredibly romantic night. A man was proposing to his girlfriend via a presentation on his iPad. It was very touching and made me realize the night was a success just being with CK. I needed to stop thinking about the perfect picture I had in my head and just go with it.

When the fireworks ended, we made our way down to his apartment. The alcohol was flowing, among other things, and all his “roommates” were already home causing a raucous. When we moved into CK’s bedroom to escape the party a bit, it slowly but surely moved into the room as well. I wasn’t thrilled. Slowly but surely, they piled in, one by one. I inched my way further and further up the bed until I was sufficiently pressed against the wall to make room for more “roommates.”

That’s when it happened. I was so incredibly disappointed. CK and I discussed in detail how uncomfortable certain situations made me, and he breached that comfort level quite drastically. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to go home. I completely shut down. He made me so incredibly minuscule by ignoring the entire lengthy conversation we’d shared about this very subject. I wasn’t exactly being forthcoming about what made me so upset. The fact that he was so clueless about why I was so upset only made it worse. He actually thought I had cheated on him and didn’t know how to tell him. He couldn’t have been further off base.

I just wanted to leave, but I knew there was no way I would be able to make it home before the sun rose in the sky with all the crowds. Luckily, everyone began to file out of the room naturally. I laid there with my back to CK crying myself to sleep. He tried to comfort me and made excuses, but it was no use. The damage was done. He knew how I felt about this, and he selfishly did what he wanted anyway. This was not how someone treats you when they love you.

My head was spinning. Because I was worried I would have to let him go, the tears streamed more and more. I’d reached the last straw. I wasn’t ready to talk about it that night because I wanted a clear head when we talked about it for the last time. That night, we’d have to go to bed with tension in the air.

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The Walls Closing In

One weekday, CK and I woke at my apartment, and I dragged him out of bed to toss around the medicine ball while we watched TV before work. I was motivated and a bit stressed, so I wanted to work out. We talked about working together to get our bodies back in shape before summer ended. It was miraculous I got him out of bed so quickly.

The planets aligned for us on the TV too. His favorite talking head, Rachel Maddow, was on my favorite talking head’s show, Real Time with Bill Maher. That was something we could both agree on.

When we were done working out, I made us some very healthy and delicious eggs for breakfast, if I do say so myself. Of course, because of our morning workout, we were a little delayed. We showered and got dressed quickly. On the way to the PATH, I wanted to grab a coffee, but CK was running later than he’d liked. He protested, and when I saw a long line, I passed. When we passed a second Dunkin Donuts, I told him I wanted to swing through. He’d apparently had enough and said goodbye on the spot. He wasn’t going to wait for me, and rightfully so. Better judgment kicked in, and I accompanied him to the PATH instead, where we rode together to his stop and gave each other a kiss goodbye.

Not only was I motivated to get my body in shape but also motivated to get my career in shape. Work was evolving drastically for me. I’d just taken on a new role I created for myself after chatting with my boss a few weeks prior. I pointed out our missed opportunity in the social media department and described how I could fill the void. After all, I had some experience in the social world (even though I couldn’t exactly show him my “portfolio”). I thought this could be the ticket to my future. Finally, I found something I could turn into a career instead of a job that generated me a paycheck. Something more than where work was just something I did between my time off. It wasn’t going to be easy, and there were bound to be a lot of speed bumps. However, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

That morning, I was really thrown a curveball I wasn’t expecting. I was called in for my review, and it was less than stellar. I had anticipated this, and it’s the main reason I approached my boss with the social media proposition in the first place.

Just when I didn’t think it could get any worse, I learned my boss was altering his role at the company as well. He was taking a far less active role, and it didn’t bode well for me. My day was heading downhill fast. Little did I know, but it was about to turn kamikaze. Not only was my boss taking on a lesser role, but we were also merging with another company.

My heart was in my throat for the remainder of the day. My first reaction was fear. Would I be a redundancy? Would I be laid off? As much as this was just a job for me, I needed it very much. I couldn’t even bring myself to text CK or call my family. I was very afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, the list goes one…

After that day came to a close, I woke the next day with some clarity. My next reaction was motivation. The fear began to wane, and I realized I needed to put all my efforts into my new venture. It wasn’t easy to get there, however, it was much easier to get through with the support of my man. I’d told him everything that was going on. He talked me down off the ledge when I was worried I’d lose my job and made me feel much better about the situation.

The fear wasn’t completely gone, and I needed an outlet for my stress. The coworker who left to work at CK’s company asked us to meet her for happy hour at the Standard Biergarten. I had been texting CK that afternoon and asked him to join us. He was being cryptic about what he wanted to do, and told me he may have to work late. I could tell he wasn’t really feeling it, but I really wanted to introduce him to my coworkers. He missed her going away drinks a few weeks earlier, so when this opportunity finally rose again to meet my coworkers, I was pretty persistent. He wasn’t digging it. He had a long day, and he wanted to go home and relax. I was really disappointed, but I also understood. We made plans for him to come to my place for the night when I got home.

Shortly after hearing he was heading home, we decided to leave the biergarten. I tried calling and texting CK, but I got radio silence for two hours. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on, so I decided to lace up and head out for a run. I needed to clear my head and work on my body again. I still couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t responding to me at all.

After my run, I finally got a text telling me he was heading my way. I started to make dinner, and when he texted me asking for a ride, I decided to go radio silent. Sure, I know it was petty, but I was in the middle of making dinner. I also didn’t appreciate him not getting back me when we’d discussed I’d call him when I was heading home.

When he arrived all that no longer mattered. We were both in good spirits because we were there to hug and comfort each other. That’s what it really comes down to at the end of the day, literally. I loved him, and he made me happy.

We sat and ate dinner together, but when I put my hand on his thigh, I felt something sticky/slimy. I pointed it out to him, and he didn’t have an explanation for it. My overactive mind immediately went to work connecting dots. Was it lube? Was that where he was for the two hours I couldn’t get ahold of him? I could go on for hours.

In turn, I got quiet. I was deep in thought and wasn’t quite sure what to say. After we ate, we sat on the couch watching TV. After some time, I suggested we head to bed. I was exhausted, and my head was spinning, but he wasn’t tired. Of course, we both fell asleep on the couch, waking up around three o’clock in the morning, finally moving to my bed.

I tried to put all doubt out of my head. Worrying about it would do no good, and I realized I was making quite a bit of a leap. There was a bigger picture here. I loved him. I won’t say that I squashed all doubt in my mind, but I managed to push it deep down so it wouldn’t continue bubbling up…

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Birthday Sex

We did it. CK‘s friend and I pulled off a successful surprise (who from now on will be named Hip). Never before had CK been surprised on his birthday, and I was thrilled to be the first (with a lot of help) to do it. He had dinner with friends, dancing til close… What more could he want?

Of course you don’t think I forgot the most important part of the night. When CK and I got home, I was his for the taking. He had me for his every wish. After we said goodbye to the crew, we quickly walked home to truly celebrate the occasion. Hip was with us since he lives in Brooklyn. He was crashing on CK’s couch, but that wasn’t going to stop us from having fun. We said goodnight and closed his bedroom door — Time to get down and dirty.

I stripped down to my boxer briefs and removed CK’s clothes until he was before me in his briefs. I led CK to the bed by hand and pulled him down on top of me. His warm sweaty body felt amazing against my skin. Immediately, we began kissing each other all over our bodies. I could never quiet get enough of his soft supple lips. They brought me comfort like a cozy couch on a cold rainy day. Alas, my lips said goodbye to his as they made a journey across all the contours of his body. I explored every nook and crevice. Sometimes he would squirm because it tickled, and sometimes he would melt with pleasure. My lips found their way to the mountains retreat of his backside. This was one of my favorite places to linger, and oh did I linger.

The squirming continued, but this time, it wasn’t because it tickled. This time, it was pleasure overload. This continued for some time before we changed things up. Ck started his own exploration expedition with his lips on my body. I was laying on my back and his lips were tracing the insides of my thighs until I felt an incredible warming sensation. Every inch of me was in his mouth and he pushed deeper and deeper. Even though Hip was out on the couch, I couldn’t control my vocal expressions of pleasure. CK felt amazing.

From there, CK wanted to top, and who was I to deny him that. I immediately turned over onto my stomach, arched my back, and raised my hips into the air. I was never big on bottoming, but since I met CK, I was converted. No longer did I dread the act. With him, I found great pleasure. I was at ease and thrilled to know how much my man was enjoying my body. As he pushed deeper and deeper, I could feel his gently massaging my prostate. Gentle at first, until he began thrusting deep inside me. My moans grew uncontrollably, as did his. He was truly enjoying his birthday present. This was a man I loved deeply, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy. As his moans grew louder, I felt a warmth expanding deep inside me. There is something incredibly sexy and intimate about this act. Whenever this happened between us, I felt we were truly one. This was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Sure, I know that’s insane to say after a few short months, but I was hopelessly in love.

We adjusted and passed out in each other’s embrace. I felt so incredibly safe in his arms. My dreams were always much more vivid when I slept in CK’s arms.

The next morning, we woke up as Hip knocked on the door. CK was quite awake, but I was still groggy and couldn’t fully open my eyes. We chatted about how much fun the night before was. I was slowly waking up, and CK and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other, even with Hip sitting at the foot of the bed. His hands were quite active under the covers. Once he discovered my morning wood, there was no stopping him. “Baby! You’re so hard!” he exclaimed into my ear with great excitement. He was like a child with his toy.

When he left us to use the restroom, CK decided he wasn’t quite done having fun. He climbed on top of me straddling my legs and began gyrating back and forth. He slid to the side so he could get me wet with his mouth before returning to straddling me. It wasn’t long before he reached his hand back to raise me to a vertical position while he slid me inside him. It felt amazing. He continued to gyrate with me inside him and the comforter draped over his shoulders. I certainly wasn’t going to protest. It was a bit exciting and my slight exhibitionist side was awakened.

I did feel slightly awkward with Hip in the bathroom a few feet away, but then a big part of me didn’t care at all. I was very comfortable with Hip. I no longer considered him CK’s friend — He was my friend too. We grew even closer after throwing CK a surprise party.

When Hip emerged from the bathroom, even though CK stopped gyrating, he immediately knew what he was witnessing. It wasn’t a full minute before I pulled out and we laid next to each other again. I managed to reach down and find my boxer briefs on the floor to pull on while we all sat on the bed chatting.

Eventually, we all emerged from CK’s fortress of solitude. We were finally ready to face the day, even though it was a Saturday, and there wasn’t much day to face. From there we had no plans, and to me, that is a perfect Saturday with my man.

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Results Are In

It’d been a few days since CK and I got tested for STDs at the clinic. We had to wait for our results to come in. I am from the school of thought that believes there’s no use worrying. Worrying won’t change the results. So, from the moment I walked out the door of the clinic, I stopped thinking about it. I’d set a reminder in my phone to call when my results would be ready.

I had a busy day at work, so I had to put off calling until my workday calmed down. I found a private place to make the call and waited for the results with bated breath. I wasn’t particularly worried. Perhaps I should have been more worried. When we left the office, we both put reminders in our phones to call. Why hadn’t I heard from CK? Did he forget to call? Did he call and was afraid to share the news with me? The receptionist picked up the phone asking, “Please hold?” Apparently, we were going to drag this out as long as possible. When she finally came back to the phone, she asked for my name and what insurance provider I use. After giving her the information, I was put on hold once again. They really know how to up the drama — They should work for TNT.

Finally, she gave me my results. I was clean on all counts except one. I came back positive for Herpes Simplex Type I, aka cold sores. I’d had this since a child and “inherited” it like many Americans from my mother. This was not news to me. I was quite happy. I came back negative on all the heavy hitters — Chlamydia, Syphilis, Herpes Simplex Type II, Gonorrhea, HIV. Since CK and I had unprotected sex (yes I know how stupid we are), I assumed he would have good news to share as well. I texted him to ask him if he called yet.

I wasn’t expecting his response. He informed me that he did indeed call and received his results, but he wanted to talk in person. What could he need to talk to me in person about?! If I came back negative for all but cold sores, what could he need to discuss with me? Now, I was scared.

After work, we had plans to stay in the city. I left my office and walked to his apartment when he finished work. When he answered the door, he was in his underwear. He was about to hop in the shower just as I arrived. I gave him a big kiss and made myself comfortable while he freshened up. When he came out of the shower, we laid in bed together for a while – He in his towel and me fully dressed from work. I brought up the testing results, but he asked if we could talk about it later. I complied. After laying with each other, we got ready to go to dinner. It was getting to be about that time. We settled on a Greek place, Ethos, not far from his apartment we’d been to before. The food was good, so I wanted to go back.

We held hands while we walked there noticing dogs along the way. CK was still going on about how he wanted me to get a dog. I explained once again how I couldn’t handle one, nor did my lease allow for one. I told him, “When we live together, I will get a dog.” His eyes lit up as a smile spread across his face.

We shared a lovely and romantic dinner for two before heading back to his apartment for the night. I was impressed with myself for not bringing up the testing results sooner, but at this point, I had to ask. He was obviously holding something back. As we walked he told me a story about how he contracted oral herpes. In the middle of the story, I cut him off. I told him I was already positive for simplex I, and he had nothing to worry about. He was very confused. He didn’t understand how I was making light of this. He was actually quite miffed I wasn’t forthcoming with that portion of my results.

The way I saw it, I would bring it up when I had an outbreak. If he’d never been exposed to the virus or oral cold sores, we would prevent him from coming in contact with me, i.e. we would stop kissing until it went away. I really didn’t see it as a big deal. Lots of people get cold sores. In fact, 80% of adult Americans are infected with the virus. I’ve been fortunate not to have experienced them very often, but they do happen when I get too much sun or when my lips split in the winter. I could see the relief on his face and in his posture. For the first time all night, he relaxed.

It was at that moment we both celebrated our results. We stopped in the middle of the street to hug and exchange a giant kiss. At this point, he couldn’t wait to go home and have sex.

Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. That night, we had the best sex we’d had to date. It was incredibly passionate and incredibly raw. We had no worries and no cares. In the end, I finished inside him, and he finished inside me. It felt amazing. I’d never felt that before. I have to admit, I was a little apprehensive about it at first. I’d only ever finished inside one other guy before without a condom. I’d never allowed anyone to ejaculate inside me.

It didn’t feel like I thought it would. I imagined a lot more sensation than the actual moment, however, the act made me feel so much more. The emotions tied to the action added so much more to it. I truly felt loved by him, and I truly felt my love for him when I exploded my seed deep within him. I feel the need to say, this is not the deal that works for every couple. CK and I have spoken at length about this topic. We will continue to be tested on a regular basis, regardless of either of us feeling a “need” for it. We have made it part of our routine. We know there are risks any time you have unprotected sex, however, we have come to mutually trust each other and find comfort in that. I am in no way endorsing unprotected sex!

It’s incredible how much that simple act brought us closer together, but I think that night kind of sealed the deal for us (Pun not intended). We’d had passionate sex before, but I think that night was the first of many night we stopped having sex and started making love.

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Sexual Exploration

Today is another Fast Forward Friday!!!  

Hope you are enjoying these. It will help bring the blog a little closer to real-time. If you’re keeping up with the stories chronologically, please skip down to this morning’s post first, then read this one. I think it’s a good one! Enjoy!

Back to your special edition of One Gay At A Time…

Friday afternoon, I was talking to J, one of my closest friends. We swam together in college, and I can actually say I think we’ve grown closer with each other now than we were back then. He’s a great guy and I cherish our friendship!

I recently had the pleasure of attending his wedding, but before that, we had a little chat:

He asked if I wanted to see what he bought his future wife for their honeymoon. Before he sent me a link to The We Vibe, vibrator for couples to use together, he included my typical warning message: WARNING: The following post may be too graphic for some. I thought this was hysterical, and I was proud of his level of comfort in regards to his sexuality. Apparently, he’d been dying to say that to me for some time. From there, a whole new conversation spawned.

He told me of his extensive toy bag. When I told him I owned none myself, he responded, “DUDE! You gotta get toys!” I really never saw a need for these. I was enjoying the “toy” God gave to every man I brought into my bed.

Then the conversation took a turn. “Ahhhhh, perfect time for me to ask you opinion…” he said sending me this link: aneros.com. It was to a prostate massager for men to hit their G-spot. “Thoughts?” he added. My head immediately went to the Tickle My Tush book I’d received months earlier for review. I told him to remind me the next time he was in Hoboken, I’d lend it to him. He told me, “Been looking at the Aeneros. Clearly for me, but I’m butt hesitant.”

I was proud of him for even considering the idea. The butt is a region many straight men fail to explore because it is seen as taboo. It is an entirely new erogenous zone that should be explored, even by heterosexual couples.

They’d explored this idea in the past. She was comfortable, but he wasn’t. “It’s not a gay thing — Just uncomfortable,” he typed. I told him not to be hesitant, but I also encouraged him to explore alone before engaging his future wife.

I explained to him how I’d never really explored back there myself before coming out. Of course I’d used a finger in the bathtub to see how it felt, but I could never get over the uncomfortable sensation. I never derived pleasure from that region, with the exception of oral pleasure. “I don’t really get off from traditional penetration,” I told him. “It gives me nothing. But… I have had great experience with a finger… It can be more directional and targeting, and I have gotten off from that fairly often”

He told me, “See, we tried finger like years ago — Freaked me out… Didn’t/couldn’t relax. Haven’t tried it since” I immediately added, “You need to get comfortable yourself alone first. Then, you’ll be more relaxed.”

Somehow we got sidetracked, and we began exchanging thoughts on different brands of lube. I’ve always used water-based because I care more about my sheets and don’t want stains. He suggested using a towel and explained how much better silicone is. He even went into the chemistry of it (which is his background). I knew why he liked silicone better, but when he would be on the receiving end of silicone, he might not have the same feelings about it after learning of its lingering effects.

Soon, we were back on track. I asked him if he had a tub. I explained: “Some day… take a bath…  warm water… and relax. Lay back in shallow water with your back on the bottom of the tub, legs up on the brim. Gently penetrate with your. It takes A LOT of getting used to. You need to feel like your pushing out to allow things to gently come in. You’re going to feel like your going to sh*t yourself… You probably won’t. It’s a natural urge you need to combat. It’s def. awkward — No question about it. It’s just a matter of getting to know a part of your body you’re not used to engaging.” I told him the book I was lending him would talk all about it.

He responded, “Fair enough. Makes sense too.” I told him I would bring the book to his wedding in a week. He asked if I could please wrap it up before doing so. I joked at the idea of simply putting it in the box of cards in hopes his mother was the first to get to that. He added, “I appreciate this. You have a hell of a lot more experience than I do.’’ I replied, “Yes and no.” I reminded him how I was never really a bottom, but I was certainly exploring that a lot more in my current relationship. “Clark Kent and I have a very healthy flip relationship,” I supplemented.

He retorted humorously, “Didn’t say you were an expert (I do read you blog), but you know a hell of a lot more than I do.

I thought back to my first time. “It was very different and awkward. It took a lot of getting used to. And, when someone told me about the push thing, it got a lot better. And, then when I read it in the Tickle My Tush book, it confirmed that for me. She describes it very well,” I detailed.

“You know this is goin’ in the blog right?” I asked. “It won’t say J — Just a male friend. But, I’m very proud of you!” He responded, “Hmmmmm. Go for it. This is J. You don’t have to keep it anonymous. I’m not scared. I don’t mind. Just give me a heads up right beforehand. A healthy sexual appetite and willingness to explore are healthy things.”

“But again… I’m very proud of your willingness to explore without worrying about social connotations. This is definitely a longer conversation I want to share sometime,” I added. We agreed to revisit this topic again when we both had more time…

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Closing the Gap

Thursday morning I said goodbye to CK in a rush to get him to work on time. I wasn’t going to get to see him that night, but that didn’t stop us from texting each other. Thursday night, between two of my volleyball games, I text him, “Missing you hard babe.” He was on my mind, even though I was concentrating on the game at hand. He responded, and when the game was over, I told him I was off to the bar that sponsors us to celebrate.

While at the bar, around 10:00, I text him: “Do I get to see you tomorrow?” I stepped outside to call him, but I got no answer. I left him a sweet message, but got no response. When I got home at midnight, I called again, but he didn’t pick up. I did a little stalking to see if he checked in anywhere on Foursquare or if Twitter would give me any leads, but no dice. I went to be disappointed and a bit worrisome. Apparently, much to my chagrin, I’m carrying trust baggage from previous relationships.

I woke in the morning to find a text message: “Hey my baby! Sorry. Bloody phone died last night =/. Of course you get to see me. I kinda need to see you. And hold you. And kiss you. And bite you. Sleep over =].” It helped brighten my day. I responded back asking if he’d rather come to my place, and I could give him a ride back into the city in the morning. I wanted to surprise him by baking cookies since his mother was coming. I thought we could bake them together, especially since there were no sharp objects involved. He texted back explaining he really needed to stay at his place so he could get ready for his mother’s arrival. I said, “Okay.” He responded asking if I wasn’t thrilled with the idea.

I called him to explain and ruined my surprise. He told me how sweet I am. We made plans for me to head home after my coworker’s sendoff, bake and come back into the city. He also told me the bad news he received that he didn’t get the apartment in Brooklyn. He was so disappointed. I have to secretly admit I wasn’t all that disappointed. I felt bad for him because he was so excited about the place, but it would have been tough for us. The island of Manhattan would have separated us, not brought us together. Selfishly, I did a little research on one-bedroom apartments in Hoboken and sent him a few links.

I didn’t have the best day at work. For starters, I had to say goodbye to one of my favorite coworkers. Luckily, she wasn’t going far and would be working with CK. On top of that, my coworkers neglected to celebrate my birthday. I myself don’t really celebrate my birthday, but as a department, we always do something nice for birthdays. This was the second year in-a-row skipping mine. And lastly, when everyone went for send-off drinks, I had to stay behind and finish work.

When I finished working, I met everyone at the bar a few drinks in. I met my freshly ex-coworker’s gay roommate and told him my Grindr story. He was all too familiar with Grind and said, “Awww. Now I want a boyfriend!” It was cute and nice to have a gay man to chat about my man with.

When I had my fill, I left to head to CK’s. When I got to his place, I asked if I could vent for a few minutes. I told him about my bad day and my coworkers’ neglect on the part of my birthday. He comforted me and managed to greatly cheer me up. He gave me my birthday card. I read it, and I was nearly brought to tears. It was incredibly sweet and thoughtful. We only knew each other a short period of time, but he completely knew me at my core. For my birthday, he bought us a session to learn trapeze. I jumped up and gave him the biggest hug. I pulled him in and deeply kissed him. I was so happy to be with him. He was an amazing man, and I was incredibly lucky.

The other part of my birthday present was him. He offered up his body for me to use any way I wanted. I was so turned on by his thoughtfulness and his passion. We climbed into bed and began groping and making out and our bodies intertwined as we stripped our clothes off.

Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. He laid on his back, and I pulled out the lube. When we were both prepped, I climbed on top of him, and the passionate lovemaking began. He felt amazing. This was a special birthday present — One I wouldn’t soon forget. I was incredibly happy just to spend my birthday with him, but to also get birthday sex was truly the icing on the birthday cake.

When we both finished, we laid in each other’s arms cuddling. As it often times was the case with him, the cuddling was almost as good as the actual sex. I always felt safe and comfortable with him. I was crazy for this guy, and I wanted him to be mine and mine alone.

We laid in bed that night watching TV until we fell asleep together with my arms wrapped around him. He was my perfect little spoon. I always slept soundly with him. This was turning out to be quite a special relationship.

I woke in the morning to quite an alarm. Without warning, he removed my boxers and began blowing me. It felt INCREDIBLE! I was already naturally excited, with my morning wood at full staff, but his mouth felt amazing that morning. This was one of the best I’d ever received.

After some time, I took control and began to stimulate my manhood with my hand. The saliva left on it provided amazing lubricant for me to get myself to the edge. While I was doing this, he was busy manually stimulating my prostate with his finger inserted inside me. It didn’t take him long, but he found my spot. It’d been almost a year since someone found that spot and treated it just right. It was a matter of seconds before I exploded all over while my body writhed in spasm. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even think. I was incapacitated. This was the best orgasm I’d had in a loonnnnggg time.

When I tried to upright myself after laying paralyzed in the bed for some time, I could barely walk. My legs had gone limp and weren’t able to support my weight. I would have nearly collapsed if it wasn’t for the doorframe for me to grip for support.

My old roommate texted me to wish me a happy birthday that morning. He couldn’t believe I was awake that early. The plan for that day was to head to the pier, and he wanted me to head there early. It was 8:00am. I wasn’t heading there that early.

That morning he had to early because his mother was arriving at LaGuardia Airport. He had mentioned his desire for us to meet while she was in town, and I was quite excited by the prospect. This was a big deal, but it wasn’t. I was pretty relaxed in these types of situations, so it wasn’t stressful, but meeting his mother was no small deal. It showed he really cared about me enough to introduce us. I didn’t take it lightly and hoped it would come to fruition.

I said goodbye while he hopped in a cab to the airport and made my way back to Hoboken to get ready to celebrate another year on Earth.

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No Day at the Beach

For one, I was really enjoying the company of my new friend, The Navigator. Secondly, the weather was amazing. I couldn’t have been happier to be away from the cold weather on the East Coast.

Contrary to my plan, the weather wasn’t fully cooperative. The closer we got to the coast, the cloudier and colder it got. I didn’t care how cold it was, I was not putting the top on the convertible back up. I did, however, turn the heat up. That kept us cozy while we acclimated to the new weather pattern.

We drove around for a little before finally finding a parking spot. We walked to the beach, and we spread out the blanket I asked him to bring. He sat down, and he started pulling out the other provisions he brought — A bottle of Sprite, a bottle of Absolut, and some snacks and granola bars. I think I was falling in love. He was spontaneous and courteous. I added the provisions I grabbed at the gas station to the pool.

We sat next to each other commenting on how much the weather deteriorated and chatting about some of the surfers. We were among sparse company. The only other people brave enough to hit the sand that day were the surfers we both scoped out.

We relaxed and the conversation from the car continued. He talked about his family and his background. I learned he was a Jehovah’s Witness. He wasn’t very passive in his faith either. He had the prestigious honor to attend a bible college in Brooklyn. While there, through a slip up, it was discovered he is gay. He was excommunicated from the religion and has very limited contact with his family.

My heart was breaking to hear this sad story. He was an incredible man for surviving all that, and even more impressive for his comfort telling this to virtually a complete stranger. I told him about my religion, and my new outlook on it. I told him about my conversation with my mother on Christmas Eve, even though it was nothing compared to what he went through.

As if his story couldn’t be more complicated, I learned his brother is also gay and struggling with his religion. He was actually finding men online and hooking up with them at rest stops until he was nearly caught by police. His brother chose to take a different route in dealing with this. The Navigator tried to suppress his homosexuality with the aid of his religious elders, but came to accept who he is. His brother was not as fortunate to have the mental confidence to know himself. He was going through conversion classes to help him become heterosexual. They were trying to brainwash him. My skin was crawling at the sound of this.

After leaving his religion, he moved around a lot. One move was for a man, but obviously that didn’t work out. He’d been in LA for roughly a year and was still settling in.

I was really enjoying his company. We took turns making trips to the restroom, and when he stood to walk away, I took the opportunity to check him out. In the back of my head, a voice was screaming, “Be careful! You’re on vacation. You can’t fall for another West Coaster!” My heart was not going to be so easily convinced. I was cautiously proceeding. I really liked this guy. If he lived in New York, we’d definitely be dating. He was just what I was looking for. A masculine man who had his life together and knew what he wanted in life.

When we sufficiently froze our a$ses off, we hopped back in the car and made our way back inland. While we drove back to Glendale, I realized I’d already used up all my condoms and almost all the lube. I would need to stop for provisions along the way, but it wasn’t going to be easy with The Navigator with me. I decided to stop at a CVS. While he looked for the bathroom, I looked for the condoms and lube. I told him I needed to buy sunscreen, which I did, but that was very low on the priority list.

When I finally found what I needed, I realized they were under lock and key. I had to push a button that made the announcement, “Assistance needed in the family planning department.” Family planning couldn’t be further from what I was looking for. The irony was killing me. As Broadway always joked, “Butt babies don’t live.” I wondered what I’d done recently to deserve this karma. It was going to be nearly impossible to pull this off without him seeing what I was purchasing.

Someone came to unlock the case, and he turned his head in an attempt to give me my privacy. That was long gone. I grabbed what I needed and quickly walked to the checkout counter. Of course, when I arrived, there was a long line. I took my place in line behind an old man and hoped The Navigator was still looking for the restrooms.

I was next in line. Maybe I was going to get away with this after all. It wasn’t in the cards for me. The old man in front of me was taking FOREVER! Every second that passed was nerve-wracking. I didn’t want him to see what I was purchasing because it may have been perceived presumptuous.

Just then, he walked up behind me. My cover was blown. I tried to hide the products in the crooks of my crossed arms, but there’s a really good chance he saw what I had. Of course, this was also the moment the next register opened up. I walked up and purchased my items. I paid, and we walked back to the car without mentioning what I bought at all.

We talked the whole ride back to his apartment. When I turned onto his street, he turned to me and said, “Sooo, do you want to hang out some more?” Without hesitation, I shouted, “Yes!” He asked if I want to go back to my hotel room and hang out, and I agreed that was a great idea!

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My Week with PR

Things between PR and I seemed to be something of a fairy tale. We’d met months earlier on Grindr after he had a very rough breakup, and I was just getting my relationship off the ground with Smiles. He temporarily moved a few blocks from me, and after a night out as friends, we’ve been spending a lot of time together as love interests.

After our night out to the movies and dinner, PR spent the night once again. Why should he sleep on a pull-out when he could be sharing a California King with me. I got ready for work, and he made his way home to figure out his day. He was on-call that day, but ended up not having to go into work. Instead, he went shopping with his mother.

When he returned to Hoboken Wednesday night, he came over to hang out. We watched TV in each other’s arms on the couch and he spent the night once again. Things were getting hot and heavy with us, and fast. We still hadn’t had “sex’ in the traditional penetration sense of the word, but we were fully enjoying each other’s company.

Thursday night I have volleyball. This was good because it offered a natural break for us. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t tired of me yet. We’d been spending A LOT of time together, and I’m not always the easiest to be around. I was happy to have the time apart – Not because I didn’t want to see him, but more so because it made me look forward to seeing him again that much more.

When I got home from volleyball, he started texting me. We texted about the shows we were watching until he added, “So, I miss you.” I quickly replied, “Stop being so adorable. You know I can’t resist it!” And then he called it spot on. I love how real and upfront he is about things. “Is today resist each other day? If you need a break, I understand. I find you intoxicating in the best sense — Like happy,” he texted. I told him I did not need a break, and I in fact did miss him. But I also told him I wanted to make sure we didn’t tire of each other. He told me he was having a rough day. He heard back about a job he applied for and was told he didn’t get the position. I felt really bad that was the night we decided to spend apart. I’m sure he just needed a hug. He was depressed. I told him. “I can try to hug it away.” He asked if we could hang out the following night. I told him I had no plans and would love to.

When he stopped responding to my texts, I joked, “Replaced me with pizza?” He apologized since his pizza was delivered, and he added, “Food won’t comfort me as much as you.” And with a smile on my face, I dozed off for the night.

The next night, he came over. I made dinner for us both, and we watched movies. It was nice to have someone to spend my evenings with. This is what I really wanted in a relationship. This is what I was looking for. I was happy!

When we woke the next day, I made us breakfast. He spent the afternoon with me, and we finally motivated ourselves to hit the gym. He went home and changed while I showered. We met at the corner and walked to the gym together. He was very quiet and solemn that morning. We didn’t work out together, but that’s because I like to do my own thing at  the gym. We finished at the same time and walked home together.

That’s when he dropped a small bomb on me. He told me he was moving back home. I didn’t quite know how to take the news. I wasn’t thrilled with it. It meant he would be much further away, and we wouldn’t be spending evenings together so readily. I knew why he did it, and I realized he needed to get his life back on track. But, I selfishly didn’t like the idea.

That evening I had a bunch of friends come over to pregame before hitting up my friend’s birthday gathering at a bar a block away. He met many of my friends and seemed to fit in, but I still had the idea of him moving home in the back of my mind. When the time came, we all made our way to the bar. It was a fun night, but PR was being standoffish. He wasn’t mingling with my friends and was only talking to me a majority of the night. I was a little disappointed. On top of this, he was getting pretty inebriated and flirtatious. I’m comfortable with my sexuality, but I don’t like PDA in a “straight” bar. I feel all eyes on me, and it hinders me from enjoying myself. Nothing he was doing crossed the line, but it also was edging further and further.

By the time we moved to a friend’s bar (after hours) he was being overt. Granted it was a much more exclusive group and mainly my friends, but he was drunk and making me uncomfortable. I tried to just look past it.

Once again, we went to Cluck U to get a late-night snack. He was so drunk he couldn’t stay awake long enough to eat his. I carried him to my bed and tucked him in. He wasn’t happy because he wanted his chicken, but soon enough he dozed off. I put it in the fridge until the following day. I wasn’t resentful at all of this. I actually enjoyed taking care of him. I knew if our relationship continued, he’d be doing the same for me down the road. I sat in the living room and ate my chicken with the company of my thoughts. I had a lot on my mind since he told me he’d be moving back home. The news he didn’t get the position he applied for was a little unsettling as well. On top of this, there was the incompatibility we shared in the bedroom that hadn’t been resolved. This wasn’t the stability I was searching for, but I was still enjoying his company.

When I had my fill, I tucked myself in bed in quickly dozed off.

The next day, we woke, and he continued to give me $hit for not allowing him to eat his chicken the night before. He ate it for lunch instead.

We got dressed and ready for the day finally. I needed to go grocery shopping, so we walked to Garden of Eden together. His mother was coming in an hour to take him home. It was a bittersweet day. We’d spent more than a week straight together with the exception of one day. Things progressed quickly, but then again, they were about to change drastically.

I said goodbye to him as we made plans for the coming days. We were a few days away from Valentine’s Day, and he really wanted to celebrate it together. I obliged.

I thought about him the rest of the night and what this new arrangement would mean for us. I was quickly coming back down from the clouds…

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