On the night of July 3rd, CK and I slept at his apartment. I had a beach bag packed to head to Fire Island the following day. I insisted if we were going to trek all the way out there, we needed to leave early in the morning to get a full day of it. We also decided to make an effort to come back to the city in time to view the fireworks from his rooftop. We made plans with one of my old roommates and his girlfriend. They were going to join us on his roof since he had such spectacular views of the Hudson River.
When we woke, the weather didn’t look like it was going to be the most cooperative. We checked the report, and there was a threat of thunderstorms all day long. We both agreed to nix the idea of going to the beach and decided to stay local instead. We lounged around his apartment all morning, watching TV and eating a light breakfast, all the while waiting for the rain. When lunch time rolled around, I was anxious to get out of the apartment. It still hadn’t rained, and it was shaping up to be a pretty beautiful day. While we both agreed we could have gone to the beach, we also agreed not going was nice too.
Recently, I broached the subject with him of spending habits. I realized I was spending a lot more money, especially going out to dinner. I proposed a plan to try to cook more and go out less. I didn’t want to keep spending money frivolously, and thought he was probably in the same boat. The topic was well received, and we agreed to make and effort to spend less money.
As we walked to lunch, we made a plan to grab something small and cheap. We ran a few of CK’s errands before finding a spot to grab lunch — Uncle Nick’s, a Greek restaurant in HK. This was not part of the plan. Everything was a bit more expensive than a $5 sandwich. CK reminded me of our frugal conversation, and pointed out this place was not part of the plan. However, since all the portions were larger, I pointed out that this could serve as our dinner as well. We could take the leftovers home and eat them before the fireworks. It would work out nicely since we ate such a late lunch.
This worked out perfectly. We did swing by the grocery store to grab a few snacks for his rooftop to supplement our lunch/dinner. We grabbed chips, humus, cookies and supplies to make sangria. Before digging into making sangria, we decided to check out the scene on the roof. We wanted to know what we were getting ourselves into. CK lived in a large apartment building, and the roof certainly wasn’t going to hold all the residents, especially if they were bringing guests like me. Much to our surprise, it was still fairly sparse, but we knew that wouldn’t last long.
We quickly went downstairs to gather our things so we could lay claim to a prime fireworks viewing spot. As we made sangria, I reached out to two friends who were to be joining us, but they weren’t going to be able to make it. Looked like it was just going to be the two of us. That, and his roommate and the harem of friends he gathered for the night.
We made it back upstairs in time to lay out a blanket and enjoy a drink as the sun set. I was enjoying some quality time with my man before the crowd showed up. After some time, he had to run back downstairs. Of course, he disappeared for quite some time. I was sitting there alone trying to fend for our spot as more and more people arrived. Slowly but surely, his roommate and his friends started showing up. Of course, they assumed we were holding a spot for them, so I was surrounded by them on the blanket — Still no CK. This was not how I wanted to spend the night.
Finally, he came back. By then, the roof was fairly full. Shortly after, the fireworks began. Well, at least I think the fireworks began. CK’s roommate assured us the building had a prime view of the fireworks. He informed us he’d watched them from the roof the year before. LIES! All lies! We couldn’t see the fireworks at all. Immediately, there was both a mass movement forward toward the river to get a better view and a mass exodus out of the building to head to the river. CK and I tried to maneuver the roof to gain a better vantage point. When I turned around, he wasn’t following me.
In the chaos, I wasn’t able to find him again. I looked all over, standing on planters to see over the crowd. I tried calling him, but he wasn’t answering. I assumed he went downstairs, and to be honest, I was pissed. I assumed he abandoned me in an attempt to better view the fireworks. The elevators were overrun with people. I descended the twenty-five floors until I reached the ground floor. Because I didn’t have a building access card, I was a bit trapped. My only option was to walk back up to the top floor. I tried calling and calling, but still, CK was not picking up. When I got back to the roof, I managed to find CK. I explained what happened, and he explained how he was unable to find me. I was disappointed because the romantic night I was hoping for had gone to sh*t. This would be yet another fourth of disappointment. We had a fun day together, and I really enjoyed it. But, I wanted romantic fireworks with my man for our first Fourth of July together.
When the crowd thinned out, we managed to find a decent vantage point. Of course, we got b*tched out by a girl, who after investigation we learned was not a resident of the building. Although our night wasn’t quite as romantic as it could have been, another couple was having an incredibly romantic night. A man was proposing to his girlfriend via a presentation on his iPad. It was very touching and made me realize the night was a success just being with CK. I needed to stop thinking about the perfect picture I had in my head and just go with it.
When the fireworks ended, we made our way down to his apartment. The alcohol was flowing, among other things, and all his “roommates” were already home causing a raucous. When we moved into CK’s bedroom to escape the party a bit, it slowly but surely moved into the room as well. I wasn’t thrilled. Slowly but surely, they piled in, one by one. I inched my way further and further up the bed until I was sufficiently pressed against the wall to make room for more “roommates.”
That’s when it happened. I was so incredibly disappointed. CK and I discussed in detail how uncomfortable certain situations made me, and he breached that comfort level quite drastically. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to go home. I completely shut down. He made me so incredibly minuscule by ignoring the entire lengthy conversation we’d shared about this very subject. I wasn’t exactly being forthcoming about what made me so upset. The fact that he was so clueless about why I was so upset only made it worse. He actually thought I had cheated on him and didn’t know how to tell him. He couldn’t have been further off base.
I just wanted to leave, but I knew there was no way I would be able to make it home before the sun rose in the sky with all the crowds. Luckily, everyone began to file out of the room naturally. I laid there with my back to CK crying myself to sleep. He tried to comfort me and made excuses, but it was no use. The damage was done. He knew how I felt about this, and he selfishly did what he wanted anyway. This was not how someone treats you when they love you.
My head was spinning. Because I was worried I would have to let him go, the tears streamed more and more. I’d reached the last straw. I wasn’t ready to talk about it that night because I wanted a clear head when we talked about it for the last time. That night, we’d have to go to bed with tension in the air.
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That weekend, N was going down to the Jersey Shore. His roommate has a house in Manasquan, and he was planning to possibly go Friday evening with one of his other roommates.
After my Friday off, and my new-found clarity, I didn’t care what N did anymore. I lost all the emotional attachment I had towards him. It was over. I just needed the opportunity to tell him. To be honest, for my own self-esteem, I needed to break things off with him before he tried to break it off with me. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Once again, I want to point out that I take full responsibility for my actions. I was wrong to cheat on N. It still bothers me to this day. It’s not who I am. Goes to show what happens when you act on suspicion.
When Friday evening arrived, I was at the gym. I got a text message from N explaining he didn’t know if he would be going to the shore that evening or the next morning. He wasn’t sure when his roommate wanted to go, but if he was staying in town for the night, he wanted to meet up.
I told him my plans for the night. I was going home, showering, hitting up the Zepplin Hall Biergarten with my sister and some friends. I told him he was welcome to tag along if he liked. I wanted to see him because I needed to talk to him, but I debated in my mind if a public setting was the place to have this chat. I was almost to the point of not caring. It was a monkey on my back and I needed it OFF!
While en route to the biergarten, I received a text from N telling me he would meet me there with his roommate. This threw a wrench in my plans because he wasn’t out to this roommate. It would be hard to have a serious conversation.
As time progressed, I texted asking him where he was. He told me he decided to stay in Hoboken and was drinking in his apartment. He was going to meet me when I got back to Hoboken. After arguing with my sister about our planned time of departure back to Hoboken, I finally made my way back. I was going to meet more friends at 1 Republik.
I texted N telling him my plans, but received no response. I sent numerous more texts asking him where he was, asking if he was still planning to meet up with me. But again, darkness. I started to check up on him on Grindr, but he was offline.
Finally, when 1:30am rolled around, I went home. When I got to my room, I laid on my bed and poked around Grindr a bit. All of a sudden, N popped up, and he was 17 miles away. Where the hell was he? Manasquan is not 17 miles away from Hoboken. We went from meeting up in Hoboken, to him being 17 miles away, obviously on his phone not responding to my text messages. What an as$hole! He was obviously up to no good at this point. I sent him a text message, “Well… Have a good weekend I guess…”
Over the course of the weekend I received one text Saturday afternoon from N. “We’re pulling up to Amanda’s house now, but I’m in the car with T. We’re going to get food soon. I’ll call you then.” When I didn’t hear back from him for the next day and a half, I called his roommate the morning of July 4th. She told me she hadn’t heard from him nor seen him all weekend. This was an interesting turn of events, considering he was supposed to be spending the weekend at her house. Pretty sure they should have run into each other at some point if that was the case.
On Monday afternoon, I received a text. N told me he was back from the shore. I texted him back immediately to come by so we could talk, but I got no response.
Later that afternoon, I received another text telling me he passed out on the couch all day and was running late for a party to watch the Macy’s fireworks. I decided to use his roommate for information once again, since when we spoke earlier, we talked about possibly meeting up later. I texted her asking if she’d seen N yet. She told me he just got back from the gym and was making food down in the kitchen. They must have spoken shortly after that because she texted back telling me he was going to a friend’s party. I never let on to either of them I knew he was lying to me about his weekend. I wanted to see his face when I called him on it.
After the fireworks, N decided to come back to Hoboken. He texted me to tell me so, but caveated it by telling me he smoked and was quite drunk. “I know we need to talk and it will prob be serious. I want to be somewhat coherent when we do.”
I begged him to just come over. I needed to get this monkey off. The more I learned about the deceit, the more twisted I felt. He didn’t respond to my texts. Once again, I would have to wait to have the discussion to end my insanity.
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4th of July arrived one month after I met the Broadway dancer. For the first time in years, I had no plans.
I knew I wanted to stick around to see the Macy’s fireworks since they were on the Hudson River again.
I asked him what his plans were. He was going to have friends over to see the fireworks since he lived in Hell’s Kitchen on a high floor and would have a great view of the fireworks.
I began hinting that I would love to join in the fun, but wasn’t about to invite myself.
After many phone conversations, saying, “I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet,” and “No plans as of now,” he never got the hint. He asked me what I was doing, but never extended an invite.
This was strange. I felt like he was purposely keeping me from something. Not sure if he wasn’t ready for me to meet his friends… But, we weren’t “dating” yet. We’d been seeing each other a month. I wasn’t going to force it. I was doing a very good job of relaxing and just seeing where things went. Every day became more and more comfortable.
In the end I had a bunch of people over at my apt to grill and went on the neighbor’s rooftop to watch the fireworks. It was a really great night, but I wished I spent it with him.
After that weekend, I spent a night in his apt. While climbing into bed, I noticed condoms under the bed that had not previously been there. It raised a red flag in my head, but it wasn’t a used condom wrapper, so I didn’t overreact. In fact, I didn’t react at all. I was very proud of myself.
The next morning we were both in the bathroom about to brush our teeth. He pulled a toothbrush out of the cabinet and said, “Here’s your toothbrush.”
I looked at him with a look of shock and utter confusion until I was conscious enough to utter, “I never left a toothbrush here.”
He blushed awkwardly, and I could see him searching his head for a recovery, only to say, “Well this is awkward.”
I was a little blown away and a little worried. Was this guy some kind of player? Is that why I wasn’t invited to the fireworks? What kind of other fireworks were going on that night?
But again, I gained my composure and told myself that we hadn’t discussed exclusivity yet. I tried to just forget it.
To this day, I still don’t know the full story about the mysterious toothbrush. I brought it up casually 9 months later, but still never got a straight answer…
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