Archive for April, 2011

Circle of Friends

After telling my sister and my parents I was gay, everyone else was going to be a piece of cake.

This wasn’t going to be some sort of event. I wasn’t about to fling open the closet doors and pronounce, “I’m here! And I’m queer!”

I was going to tell friends on an individual basis. When the timing was right, I opened up to them with the hope they would accept me for who I am.

Sometimes, I invited friends (individually) for dinner or drinks. It was nice catching up with them, and when I mustered the courage, I explained to them that I was seeing a guy in the city and things were progressing very well. Some of them knew of my budding relationship, but he was under the guise of a woman, not a man.

Over time, I eventually told all of my closest friends I was gay. Everyone was very accepting. I was worried about telling my roommates. My male roommate got very quiet. He just moved into my apt, and I was afraid I put him in an awkward situation. But, after a heart-to-heart, I realized he was more than cool with it. In fact, he begged me to let him take me to gay clubs.

I was particularly nervous telling one friend. Our friendship got off to a rocky start, but eventually we were able to get past the petty bickering. We had a really great friendship, but we never dug into the personal stuff. It just wasn’t something we shared often. I had a strong feeling he would be accepting of my lifestyle, but I was still worried he would start to get awkward around me.

He was home recovering after surgery, and I thought this was an opportune time to stop by to offer any assistance and my news. I sat in his room for an hour watching TV and talking about random b.s. Finally, I told him about my man in the city. The news was a bit of a shock to him, not because he was under the impression I was straight, but for the fact that I felt comfortable enough to share this part of my life with him.

Later while we were on vacation, we had a falling out after he shared my secret with someone he just met. I was furious at him for betraying my trust. After he refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing or apologize, I stopped speaking to him for the remainder of the trip and the week following. Things were very uncomfortable. When he finally came to me to apologize, we had a very adult conversation about the whole issue.

He said something to me that I will never forget (made me realize I was a large part of the problem). He said, “You have to understand. I don’t see you as my gay friend. You are a friend who happens to be gay.”

Of course, I couldn’t be mad at him after that. Regardless of this fight, our friendship grew since I shared my news with him. His comment made me realize I can’t burden my friends with my secret just so I don’t have to bear the load myself. No one else is going to be comfortable accepting of my homosexuality until I was.

From that moment on, I fully accepted who I was and was no longer ashamed of being a gay man.

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Roller-Coasters, Waterslides and Homophobes…


About 2 months into dating the Broadway dancer, I came up with a brilliant date idea.

Of course, since his schedule only allowed for Mondays off, I took a Monday off and borrowed a friend’s car.


He spent the night before at my place so we could leave early in the morning. However, this did not happen.

At the time (and still do), I had a penchant for morning sex. Since we started sleeping together, I always woke up horny, which rarely worked in my favor because he was not a morning person. I would have to coax it out of him for about 15-20 minutes before he’d finally come to life.

I also had another internal dilemma.  My friend’s car needed to be moved for street sweeping that morning. The choice was sex or a $45 fine.

Of course I chose the sex. Yup. This would be the first time I paid for sex… (Hopefully the last)

After we finally got a move on, he was very sweet the whole ride out there. He was holding my hand and giving me kisses at stops. I had only told him where we were going the night before so he could dress accordingly. Up until then I told him I was kidnapping him for the day.

We grabbed lunch and went into the amusement park hitting up all the great roller-coasters.

About half way through the day, we came across a pavilion where a dance show is performed.  The show was scheduled to begin in a half hour, and he really wanted to see some bad dancers. We grabbed a bite and a bench and waited for the show to start.

At the start, it was obvious there were a few ‘mos in this dance troop. About half way through, there was an audience participation element. Two of the girls came out into the audience and immediately walked up to us. I wasn’t paying attention, looking off into space, but when I turned back, luckily he was shaking his head no… There was no way in hell that I was walkin’ up on that stage to put on some straw hat and hold a banjo. They soon found two little girls who were more than thrilled to replace us. You know those guys were backstage picking us out of the crowd specifically.

Later that day, we hit up the water park. Now, we’re in the middle of Pennsylvania at this point. This park was like the website Not the most tolerant and accepting of locales to the gays. But we managed to make do. We found moments passing through a cave or under a waterfall to make out for a hot second in “private.” I was starting to come out of my shell and learned to care a lot less about other people watching our PDA in public.

All-in-all, the day was pretty spectacular. We had to dart home because he had a birthday dinner to attend. I drove like a madman in a taxi cab (only in a Ford Explorer instead) up the streets of NY so he could quickly shower, change and return him back downtown to the dinner.

To this day he still talks about how great of a date choice it was…

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Breaking the News to Mom & Dad

Coming out to my parents falls near the top of my list of most courageous moments.

Home is 2 hours away, and it worked out nicely that I would be making a trip home for a Thursday overnight (summer Friday = no work).

Not sure if I was 100% ready to tell them I was gay, but I didn’t know when the next opportunity would arise to tell them in person. Once I started this ball rolling, there was no stopping. Every person I told was another weight lifted off my back.

I was out with a friend at a bar the weekend prior and was dying to tell one of my best friends (only the second person to know). Her boyfriend went to the restrooms, and I pulled her aside. I just blurted it out. He came back a minute later, and we never got to fully discuss it that night. Probably not the most ideal situation, but it was like a band aid. I needed to rip that sucker off!

After work, I hurried home and packed up a small overnight bag. At this point, I knew Broadway for only 2 short weeks. I texted him asking for words of encouragement just before walking out the door. I figured when I pulled into my driveway, I could look at my phone and read a small pep talk that would help me summon the courage to tell them. My plan backfired. He responded immediately. I read the text just before pulling out that read, “Just be yourself.”

Granted, this was great advice, but it wasn’t what I was looking for. I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe an “it will be alright.” All I know is that when you’re on a motorcycle for 2 hours with no radio or person to talk to, you crawl up into your head and drive yourself NUTS!

Once home, my parents were in the middle of making dinner. I settled in, and we sat down to eat (at the dinner table, but in front of the TV nonetheless). In most families, the dinner table might have been a good opportunity to break news of this measure. But the TV rules in my house, so it would have to wait.

Following dinner, I sat down on the couch sore from the ride home. My mother sat in a chair watching TV while my father cleaned up some dishes. At the moment when he came back into the room, she decided to leave the room. I remember thinking in my head, “Would you two sit down so I can get this over with!”

My heart was in my throat. Every commercial break my heart started beating out of my chest. An hour and a half passed. I opened my mouth to speak and nothing came out. Finally I mustered the courage to speak. I casually turned to them and said, “So I’m finally dating someone….”

They both just stared at me. Neither said a word. Probably only 1 or 2 seconds passed, but it felt like 30. And I topped it off with, “And his name is Brian.”

They both just sat there staring at me. Neither saying a word. Then, after what felt like 2 minutes of silence, they said something. They asked how I met him. In as little detail as possible, I explained the fundamentals of manroulette. I told them a little about him. Then my mother said, “But I thought you always said you wanted kids?” I explained there is no reason why I can’t still have them. “You both watch Modern Family. You know a lot’s possible these days.”

My mother asked me if that’s why I cam home. “While convenient timing, it was not the main purpose for the trip,” I responded.

Then came all the questions about women. Am I still interested in them? Is this a phase? etc. I told them this was all new to me, and I had no answers. “I see no reason not to pursue this. It feels right.”

In the end, they were very accepting of the news. I was a little disappointed they weren’t more supportive. I figured they already had a strong idea I was gay, but maybe I was giving them more credit. In my own selfishness, I wanted them to embrace it immediately, but that was not the case. As time passes, they will be comfortable with it. We will be able to talk openly about it, and they will bring it up without me initiating that portion of the conversation. Until then, I will just be patient…

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Coming Out From Behind the Brick Wall

After seeing the Broadway dancer for 2 weeks, I finally accepted my homosexuality. Until then, I was in denial and thought I could make it through life being the forever bachelor or find some way to be happy with women.

Don’t get me wrong. I still find women attractive. I stop to check them out like any other guy on the street. I still have the urge to hit on them. I just know that it isn’t nearly as good as with a man.

Once I convinced myself this was right, it was time to stop the charade. I realized this is something I needed to share with those closest to me. For 2 weeks, I was always going into the city to meet up with a “girl.” My friends knew I started dating, but no one met “her” or knew anything about “her.”

I decided to start with my sister. She had to love me no matter what. We were family. And, while we don’t have the strongest relationship as far as brothers and sisters go, I knew this was one thing I could count on for her support.

I talked to the dancer that day at work and told him I was coming out to my sister that evening. He was VERY supportive and never put any pressure on me. In fact, in this conversation, I asked him, “Doesn’t it bother you that I’m not out?”

He said, “Everyone has their own timeline and their own life. When you feel it’s right, that’s when you should come out. And no it doesn’t bother me.”

That night, I invited my sister over for dinner. Of course, that’s the night I have to work late, and my plans start to fall apart. But in the end, she came over for a late meal. When we finished, I turned to her and said, “You know the girl I’ve been seeing in the city?… Well this is him.” I turned my computer to her and showed her his facebook page.

Her face showed a bit of shock. I just blindside her with some heavy information. But after a few seconds, she simply nodded. What happened immediately following is a blank for me. I was in a different world. Saying it out loud, even if I never uttered the words, “I’m gay,” was hitting me like a ton of bricks.

Afterwords, we went into my room and talked for 2 hours. She asked me a lot of questions like when did I know, how did we met, etc. It felt really good to finally have someone to share this happiness with. I just remember saying, “I’m finally really happy,” and “It just feels right.”

Then she asked the big question, “So, when are you going to tell mom and dad?”

She was a good practice run for telling my parents, but I would soon come to the realization that nothing could prepare me for that situation…

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The Case of the Mysterious Toothbrush

4th of July arrived one month after I met the Broadway dancer. For the first time in years, I had no plans.

I knew I wanted to stick around to see the Macy’s fireworks since they were on the Hudson River again.

I asked him what his plans were. He was going to have friends over to see the fireworks since he lived in Hell’s Kitchen on a high floor and would have a great view of the fireworks.

I began hinting that I would love to join in the fun, but wasn’t about to invite myself.

After many phone conversations, saying, “I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet,” and “No plans as of now,” he never got the hint. He asked me what I was doing, but never extended an invite.

This was strange. I felt like he was purposely keeping me from something. Not sure if he wasn’t ready for me to meet his friends… But, we weren’t “dating” yet. We’d been seeing each other a month. I wasn’t going to force it.  I was doing a very good job of relaxing and just seeing where things went. Every day became more and more comfortable.

In the end I had a bunch of people over at my apt to grill and went on the neighbor’s rooftop to watch the fireworks. It was a really great night, but I wished I spent it with him.

After that weekend, I spent a night in his apt. While climbing into bed, I noticed condoms under the bed that had not previously been there. It raised a red flag in my head, but it wasn’t a used condom wrapper, so I didn’t overreact. In fact, I didn’t react at all. I was very proud of myself.

The next morning we were both in the bathroom about to brush our teeth. He pulled a toothbrush out of the cabinet and said, “Here’s your toothbrush.”

I looked at him with a look of shock and utter confusion until I was conscious enough to utter, “I never left a toothbrush here.”

He blushed awkwardly, and I could see him searching his head for a recovery, only to say, “Well this is awkward.”

I was a little blown away and a little worried. Was this guy some kind of player? Is that why I wasn’t invited to the fireworks? What kind of other fireworks were going on that night?

But again, I gained my composure and told myself that we hadn’t discussed exclusivity yet. I tried to just forget it.

To this day, I still don’t know the full story about the mysterious toothbrush. I brought it up casually 9 months later, but still never got a straight answer…

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Walk of Pride

Waking up next to a guy for the first time is a life changing experience.  Especially when he’s sexy and you’re both naked.

I learned a lot about myself the night before.

I can be very passionate, and I’m much more free and confident in my body than I ever thought I would be, even though I still had my reservations.

That morning, when we woke up, he started walking around his studio apt.  I laid in bed appreciating his toned dancer body. He was a work of art. With no shades drawn, anyone in the city with a view could appreciate his body as well. I really admired his moxy. He confidently walked into the kitchen to start making breakfast and then strolled up to his closet to take out a pair of sexy briefs. I watched him slip them on with the excitement of the night before still reeling in my mind.

When he went back into the kitchen, I searched the floor for my boxer briefs and slid them on. Still on a high from the night before, I felt the confidence to walk around in just boxers (not my norm). I walked into the kitchen to watch him cook breakfast.  I stood leaning against the doorway while he was making coffee and an egg scramble of proportions I had never seen before.  Fresh cut tomatoes, peppers, onions, mozzarella cheese, spinach, egg whites… the list goes on. Watching a man cook (especially in briefs while doing it for me) is sexy as hell.

When the opportune moment arose, I walked up behind him, put my arms around him with our bodies pressed against each other and started kissing his neck. I needed to show my appreciation for an amazing night and such an elaborate breakfast after meeting the guy for the first time only hours earlier. I think at that moment I realized we had great chemistry and this was going to be something that lasted.

And walk of shame? F*(k that!

I loved my walk of “shame.” All the judgmental looks I got (or imagined getting) from everyone made me feel alive.

For the first time in my life, I spent my night in the arms of a man. My face was glowing the whole walk home. And it was amazing!

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Sure. Why the hell not?

I guess I’ve known I was gay for a long time.  But I was in denial.  You see the perfect family all over the media and in real life, and you think to yourself how badly you want that.  You convince yourself that being gay is something you can overcome or ignore.  Then you come to a breaking point.

I don’t exactly know when it is I realized that I was gay.  I can think back to freshmen year in high school and remember being attracted to guys and checking them out in the locker room. I’m sure it goes further back. I never acted on these feelings however.  Not for 26 years.

This is where my story begins.

A friend of mine introduced me to the amazing website  I checked it out and found it was quite addictive… Anonymously chatting with strangers around the world. From there, I discovered, and I was hooked. I finally found an outlet to talk to other gay men anonymously and even have a little “fun.”

After weeks on the site I started talking to a guy who lived in New York.  Living in Hoboken, it was interesting to think that this guy was just across the river sitting in his apartment in front of his webcam. We chatted a bit, mostly about how sexy the other looked, and then of course, we jacked off together.  It was hot, and I wanted to keep the “conversation” going.

We exchanged info and started skyping a few nights a week.  I found myself looking forward to our sessions more and more. We started to talk more about our personal lives. Slowly, brick by brick he disassembled the wall I spent the past 26 years building.  Finally I told him my real name and  how close to him I lived.

At this point, he asked, “Why haven’t we met?”

So I questioned myself and thought… Why the hell not!? It’s been 26 years and I’ve been putting on the charade. What do I have to lose? So I made the jump off the cliff and never looked back.

We set up a time for me to meet him outside work, and took a nice stroll back to his apartment. Once there he poured me a glass of wine and we sat on the couch talking for hours. I was so nervous I spilled my red wine.  Luckily, the couch was red as well…

After quite a bit of good conversation, he made his move. It was great. He was an amazing kisser, and I really started to enjoy myself. (Later we would talk about this and he pointed out how he noticed just how much I was enjoying it).

After a passionate make-out session, we took things to the bedroom. Things got heavy and clothes came off, and we truly began to explore each other’s bodies. There was no penetration, but that was ok.  I was just getting my feet wet (and some other things as well).

I spent the night, and in the morning he made me breakfast. We really had a connection and decided that we would definitely see each other again…

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