Archive for March, 2015
I have never been big on celebrating my birthday. I much more enjoy casual gatherings. In years past, I have notified friends of my own plans to spend my birthday and invited them to accompany me.
My 30th was no different. I told everyone that I would be heading to Central Park for a picnic to enjoy the beautiful weather, encouraging them to join me.
From the onset, CK was not happy that one of my ex’s and one of my best friends who also happens to be gay made the guest list.
Smiles, a slightly older man I “dated” for a mere three months, reached out to grab coffee a few months earlier. This was very out of the blue. I found it far-fetched that this meeting would be of a romantic nature. I agreed to meet him, but rather than stirring the pot, until I knew the topic of the meeting, I chose not to tell CK.
It turned out that Smiles wanted my help in making a proposal for a new initiative he was bringing to the city of New York. I was excited by the project and agreed to work with him, but it was caveated with the condition that CK was ok with it. When I got home that night, I ran the idea by CK. Begrudgingly, after much conversation on the topic, he agreed I could work with Smiles. I reassured him that even when Smiles and I were dating, we only had sex three times, let alone that happening now.
When I was making the guest list for my birthday gathering, it only felt natural that Smiles and one of my best (and one of very few gay) friends, Boston be a part of it. The night before the picnic, CK and I got into somewhat of an argument about it. He made an underhanded comment regarding the matter I didn’t appreciate but tried to ignore rather than dignify with a response.
The morning of the picnic, CK told me he invited a friend from work. I responded, “Sure. The more the merrier!” The irony of all this is that I learned the his coworker is gay the minute my ass touched the blanket in Sheep’s Meadow, and not a minute before. I’d heard his name time and time again. He told me how they started going to Cross Fit together. They were getting lunch together. But, he never mentioned the fact that he was gay. That detail seemed to slip his mind, but wouldn’t soon leave mine.
When we arrived at the park, it was a beautiful day, and friends were coming from near and far. I was in such good spirits and thrilled to spend the afternoon with my closest friends with such great weather.
I have never been very good at introductions. It is one of my biggest social faux pas. I try to be better about it, but historically, I fail. This day was no different. Many people were arriving at the same time and everyone wanted to chat with me. I failed to introduce CK to a few friends as they arrived. I was in conversation, and he was as well. But, I should have done a much better job introducing. I think it stung a little more when I failed to introduce him to both Smiles and Boston. He’d heard lots about them but never met them in person.
As the afternoon progressed, the wine flowed. None more so than for CK. He actually began to flirt very heavily with Boston. Let me remind you, that Boston is ONLY a friend and nothing more. We are each other’s sanity check. That said, I think CK felt he was going to teach me a lesson. I noticed the flirting, the comments, the fact that he was laying his head in the small of Boston’s back while Boston awkwardly appeased… But, I chose to ignore all of this and have a good time.
What I couldn’t ignore was the scene that followed shortly after. I am NOT big on PDA. I do not like making out in front of people. Those are meant to be private exchanges, not exhibitions. CK made it clear that he had something to prove. He mounted my lap and began shoving his tongue down my throat. The more I resisted, the harder he pushed. I noticed the awkwardness on the countenance of my friends’ faces. I finally had to literally shove him off and say, “Enough!”
At this point, CK was sufficiently drunk, and this of course did not thrill him. Things did calm down. I wasn’t going to let CK ruin what was turning out to be the best birthday I’d ever had. Or was I.
I did my best to deal with the situation that was CK, but there was only so much I could do. When CK asked if he could go to his coworker’s apartment to smoke, I was so tired of him, my immediate reply was, “Sure!”
I didn’t trust CK one bit with this coworker now that I knew a little more about him and seen them interact, but I needed him gone! He was making everyone uncomfortable, including myself.
Of course I wasn’t 100% sober, but I think it was in that moment that I had a serious moment of clarity. Before we left the apartment, CK asked if he could bring some pot to the lawn. I requested he not. I could see the disappointment and confusion on his face, but we’d fought about this very topic for so many months. I wasn’t giving in on this one. This was my birthday, and I didn’t want to risk anyone getting a ticket or arrested. We were already breaking the law with wine in solo cups. We didn’t need to do anything to draw anymore more attention to ourselves.
It was in this simple request that I learned CK’s true nature. He was always going to look out for numero uno above all else. It didn’t matter that the gathering was for his boyfriend’s birthday. He wanted to smoke, so that’s what he was going to do.
While CK was off with his head in a cloud of smoke, it was as if someone swept away all the clouds in that singular moment. We’d been through so much, and I’d always kept hope that we’d be together forever. But, in that moment, I realized we would not be. It was the straw (or joint) that broke the camel’s back.
After we got home, I spent a lot of time thinking. It wasn’t an easy decision. A lot went into it, and I’ll get into the turmoil of my decision much more in-depth in another post on another day…
So now that you know the end, let me go back to bring you up to speed. In the past my blog was very chronological. Now, however, it will be topical. Mainly because it’s been a while and I don’t remember nearly as many of the details when I was writing consistently. I hope you can follow along!
Merriam-Webster defines trust as: Assure reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something — one in which confidence is placed — dependence on something future or contingent (hope).
The irony of me starting with the definition is that I don’t believe trust can ever be defined or codified. Trust is relative. It’s an fragile, unspoken contract between two individuals.
Everyone approaches trust in a different way. Some give it all, and then slowly tighten the reins. Some start with no trust until it is earned. Neither approach is wrong, as every situation and individual experiences trust in different ways.
From the beginning, I never fully trusted CK. After all, our first interaction was over Grindr. We started chatting one morning, and that same evening after messaging him on my way home, he propositioned me with sex. Of course he didn’t realize it was me in that instance, but all the more reason for my sensors to be heightened.
I’m a very monogamous individual. Cleary, if you’ve read any of my posts you know that when I’m in not in a relationship I have my fun with multiple men. But as soon as I start dating someone, I flip the monogamous switch.
CK and I were dating a few weeks before I conveyed to him my desire to move into monogamy. I didn’t trust that he was only with me, and I somewhat forced him to make a choice. Verbally, he chose me, but I quickly learned that his words were just that. Words. His actions were speaking louder than words. Because of my lack of trust in CK, I was looking at his phone every once in a while. I know how wrong this is, and I’m not proud of it. But, I also don’t regret it.
One month after we met, I met CK’s mother. I took this to mean something. I thought it was a BIG step. Sure, it was fast, but she lived in Miami, so I went with it. Who knew the next time the opportunity would arise? Apparently, CK didn’t see this as quite the milestone I did. In looking through his texts, I learned he was not yet being monogamous. I didn’t end things then and there and accepted this reality because I did somewhat force monogamy upon him before he was ready. But, I did learn that CK was lying to me. He was quickly losing my trust.
Throughout the entire two years we dated, small things ate away at my trust in him. He lied and betrayed my trust on a consistent basis. I would explain to him, “I notice everything. You’re probably not going to get away with it, so it’s best just to be honest with me.” That didn’t seem to matter. He would lie about the most insignificant things. So I always wondered, “If he’s lying about these insignificant things, what else is he lying about?”
There were times I would “test” him to see if he’d tell the truth. I already knew the answer before I asked the question. Inevitably, he would still lie straight to my face. Even when I would give him a second chance to be honest, the lies kept coming until I proved to him I knew he wasn’t being truthful.
This relationship fully illustrated to me how trust is paramount in every relationship. Without it, a divide is inevitable. I don’t think he ever fully trusted me either; otherwise I feel he would have let himself be more vulnerable and open with me. Trust is a two-way street. It’s a mutual contract. It thrives on balance.
When I decided to finally end things, trust was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I celebrated my 30th birthday with a Central Park picnic and all my closest friends. Even after an explanation, he pitched a fit over me inviting Smiles and Boston. For starters, I’d never been intimate with Boston other than a Miami beach make out. And, Smiles and I certainly didn’t have the strongest track record for intimacy when we were dating for those three months. He had nothing to worry about on either accounts. However, at the gathering, he got drunk and made a scene. Furthermore, he and his new best friend from work, who also happens to be gay, disappeared for about an hour when he asked if they could go to his place to smoke.
Now that exercised my trust muscle. But, all that’s a story for another day…