Archive for November, 2011
The Game — Hard To Get
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 29, 2011
As predicted, Monday was the day from hell. We had a huge pitch on Tuesday morning, so it was constant work until the end.
There was already no chance Smiles and I would see each other. However, we did get to chat on the phone briefly. He had to do work with his film, and I would be working until the wee hours of the morning to finalize the content for the pitch. I didn’t end up leaving my office until 1:30am.
I really wanted to see him Tuesday. I wasn’t going to be around the rest of the week, and whenever I have a long work pitch or long work trip, I look forward to decompressing with a sexy guy, even if it doesn’t involve sex. I asked him if we could do something, but he already made plans.
I was heading home Wednesday for my grandfather’s funeral. It was going to be a while before I got to see him again, and I was really disappointed. Things were really getting strained between us, at least on my end. We weren’t having sex as often as I’d like, and I was constantly on a roller-coaster of emotions. Smiles would pay a lot of attention to me and make me feel great, and then retract and shy away from me. I didn’t know how much more I could take it.
I decided I was going to play hard-to-get. I wasn’t going to text or call at all. If he still wanted to see me, he was going to have to put in the effort. I was at my emotional breaking point.
This was no easy task for me. I struggled with it. I carried my phone with me everywhere I went in case he tried to call or text, but it was silent. Part of me wondered if he thought it was a very personal family time, and he just didn’t want to bother me. But, the bigger part of me thought he had other things with which he was preoccupied.
Finally, Thursday he texted me to see how I was doing. It was progress. He was texting to check up on me, and I appreciated it. I texted him back after some time passed.
When Friday came about, he called and left a message. It was impeccable timing. I was just about to walk into the funeral parlor when my phone began ringing. After the viewing, I stepped out from the family gathering and called him back. We had a nice conversation.
The following day, I went to the funeral. Afterwards, I came home. I have awful cell service at my parents’ house. I finally managed to get signal by using the Wi-Fi. Ironically, right after I texted him, we lost power in the snow storm, so if he responded, I couldn’t read it if I tried.
I was home with no power, no internet, no phone and no TV. It had snowed about a foot outside, so we were trapped. On top of it, I was missing the Halloween festivities with my friends back in Hoboken. I wasn’t heartbroken about that, but I was disappointed. Instead, I spent the day shaking snow off trees so the branches wouldn’t break.
I was really feeling ignored overall by Smiles. The time away wasn’t a good thing for me. It was making me realize how little attention he was paying to me. I started to think about some of the other prospects I had spoken to. I could have pursued LES, but he was young and lived in an inconvenient part of town. There were a few guys who were still sending me messages on OKCupid. While I wasn’t seeking out anyone new, I maintained communication with them. I was now beginning to think about them as prospects. All I knew was I deserved better. Was I just jumping the gun? Was it still early with him? I personally thought we should have been over that hump, and if he was interested in me, he’d want to spend more time with me.
When Sunday arrived, my sister and I made our way back to Hoboken. It was a bit of an adventure with the snowfall and trees laying across the road. Once I got back to Hoboken, I hopped on Facebook. Smiles messaged me, and I learned he lost his phone. He told me about going out for Halloween and how he lost it. We made plans to grab brunch, and I made my way into the city. I didn’t forget about the lack of attention he paid me, but I tried to concentrate on the moment at hand. I was going to proceed with skeptical optimism. It was the only way I was going to keep my sanity.
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 28, 2011
If having to work on a Sunday isn’t bad enough, following a night of heavy drinking only makes things worse. My coworkers noticed my less than human state and offered to get me things to ease my pain, but I explained I just wanted to finish work and go back to bed.
The day was long and arduous. Many of my coworkers were dragging their feet, and it was all I could do to light a fire under their asses. I was trying to be as time efficient as possible, but it was no use unless everyone else was onboard.
When I didn’t think my day could get any worse, my mother called to tell me my grandfather passed away. I was expecting the news, but I had no idea when the call would come. He had very advanced cancer, so it was only a matter of time. I know he was more than ready to go, at times basically asking the hospital to give him the “black pill,” but no one likes to see a loved one go.
I soldiered on through my day not mentioning it to anyone until I was about to leave. I needed to tell my boss I would out at the end of the week to go home for the funeral. He was very sympathetic and supportive.
Really, after such a long day at the office, I wanted nothing more than to see Smiles. He could make me happy, no matter what physical state I was in. I hadn’t seen him since Friday night, and I didn’t get to spend the night in his apartment. I was itching for more time with him.
When I was nearing the end of my workday, I texted Smiles to ask him if he wanted to grab dinner. After some time passed, he responded apologizing, “Ah shoot! Just seeing this now. I ordered pizza and I’m starring at the mess I have to clean up here.” I was a little disappointed, but I wasn’t giving up that easily.
“Mind a little company for an hour or so? Not going to be around this week really…” I texted. We had a very big pitch coming up that week, and I knew I would be working late most nights. This was my last stitch effort to see him for a while. He replied, “Come eat this pizza and hang out. It’s not like the mess is going to get any worse.”
This was my first time venturing to his apartment. I knew the general neighborhood, but not the exact location. After work, I took a cab to his apartment. I was very excited to see him and happy I was finally getting the invite to his place, even if I had to invite myself.
His apartment was not what I expected other than the mess he was describing. He was in the process of moving and office worth of things into a storage unit. I didn’t care about any of that. I just wanted to cuddle up next to him in bed.
He offered me pizza, but I explained I already ate. He suggested we watch a movie, and I agreed. We went into his bedroom and chatted while he picked a movie. I told him about my grandfather, and he lent me his sympathetic ear. We’d already talked about how he was ready to go when we discussed religion at his birthday lunch, so he was already quite versed in the situation.
In the meantime, he selected All Good Things while I snuggled up next to him. I have a thing with constantly petting guys I date. I don’t know why, but I just crave the physical connection. I was constantly stroking him gently with my finger tips throughout the movie, switching my hand positions periodically. It was all I could do to refrain from jumping his bones. It wasn’t the most romantic movie of the year, but I’d already seen it and had sex on the brain. It’d been a while since we last had sex, and I wanted more.
Sadly, that wouldn’t happen once again. When the movie ended, it was 11:00pm. He gently hinted at my departure, even going to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Yet another sexless night. I was really beginning to wonder why he didn’t want to have sex with me. I wondered if it was my issues coming between us or if he wasn’t attracted to me. He never gave me any compliments about my body even thought I made a point of complimenting his. Maybe he just didn’t find me attractive.
Regardless, I gave him a kiss goodnight and walked all the way back to the PATH station to head back to Hoboken. The whole walk, thoughts flew through my head like lightning. I was hurt and worried. Hard to admit, but I almost wanted to cry.
That wouldn’t be the worst part of my night however. In the middle of the night I was woken by violent stomach cramps. I ran to the bathroom and destroyed my toilet. At times, I had to debate which end was more priority to face the toilet. I got almost no sleep and had a full day of work ahead of me. There was no way I could take a sick day.
In the morning I was greeted with a text from Smiles: “Maybe a stomach flu? Up all night with cramps and still hurting 😦 .” I finally nailed the source. I caught some bug from him. “I shared your pain! Still sharing… Was trying to figure out what I could have eaten yesterday… And I have to work all day today… 😦 ,” I responded. To which he replied, “This is the worst!”
Karma was coming back at me something fierce. I don’t know who I p*ssed off royally to deserve such a bad weekend, but the only thing keeping me going was it couldn’t get any worse than it already was.
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay News on November 25, 2011
Get out there and get your shop on… By the time you’re reading this, I will have already finished my shopping and returned to bed.
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay News on November 24, 2011
Today I am thankful for many things.
I am thankful I am a gay man who is comfortable in his own skin after 26 years in the closet.
I am thankful to have a man in my life, even if it isn’t always smooth sailing.
I am thankful for all my readers, especially the dedicated ones who offer support and comments. I truly love these! Keep em’ comin’!
I am thankful for all my friends and family and the support they give me on a daily basis. I’d be nowhere without them.
I am thankful to be alive. Thankful every day when my eyes open, and I breath life in for one more day.
And lastly, I am thankful for Thanksgiving cards like these!!
Follow @onegayatatimeEvery One But the One I Want
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 22, 2011
Friday arrived, and I was starting to nail down plans with Smiles for the night. He had things to do all day, so we planned to grab dinner and then head to his friend’s birthday party.
This meant I had time to kill after work. My good friend A asked me to grab happy hour drinks with her. She recently moved our of Hoboken into the city with her boyfriend, so I was already seeing a lot less of her. We were due for a catch-up.
She picked a place in the Flatiron District that’s known for their happy hour. We cozied up to a spot at the bar and chatted about our new situations. It had been a while since I caught her up on the status between Smiles and I. I took her for a ride on the roller-coaster ride of emotions I’d been through. She gave me advice on how I should proceed and things I should watch out for. After five years, she knows me quite well and can predict a lot about me, so I’ve come to listen intently to what she says.
She also took the time to talk about the new challenges she faced moving in with her boyfriend. I tried to give her my two cents for what it was worth. My biggest advice to her was to pick her battles. On the things she could let go, she should, but on the things she really cared about, she should make a stink. That way, he would realize with more poignancy when he was doing things that got under her skin.
In the middle of our conversation, Smiles called to discuss dinner. He chose a place about two blocks from where we were drinking, and we agreed to meet in a half hour. When the time came, and A and I had our fill of cocktails, we walked to the restaurant Smiles chose. I coerced her into coming along to meet him since none of my friends had the opportunity yet.
I introduced them to each other, and Smiles invited her to join us for dinner. A had plans to meet her boyfriend for dinner, and I could tell she was looking for a quick exit, so she agreed to sit with us for a few minutes. She was already running late. I appreciated her making the extra effort, and gave her the out she needed. I told her to get on her way.
After she left, the conversation with Smiles was slightly forced and awkward. I was having a hard time breaking through and there were periods of silence. I learned he was feeling very sick and his stomach was bothering him. He had issues with his appendix, and it was inflamed and bothering him again.
Now, I was worried. I genuinely cared for him and my paternal instincts kicked in. I was worried for his safety and said, “Don’t be a hero on me here. If you aren’t feeling well, we can go at any time. Don’t soldier on on my account.”
“Thank you for your concern, but I’ll be fine,” he replied.
The rest of the meal was pleasant, but quiet. I reached my hand under the table to rub his knee to try to make a better connection while we chatted. That, and I was still worried about his condition.
When we finished dinner and desert, we had some time to kill. Smiles walked around the neighborhood looking for a massage parlor (legit, not sexual) in which to kill time before the birthday party. We couldn’t find one still open to take advantage of, so we hopped in a cab and made our way to the party.
When we arrived at the party, I was slightly overwhelmed by the crowd. I’d never been to a party so heavily skewed male in my life. I learned the birthday boy was gay, which answered a lot of questions for me.
We found a comfortable spot to plant ourselves and each grabbed a drink and something to nosh on. We made a friend and chatted with him a bit. He was an extremely jacked and cut black man who is an interior decorator. It was interesting hearing him talk about his occupation, all while looking at someone who looked like a personal trainer.
After some time, this man turned to us and said, “Oh. Are you two together?”
Both their eyes focused on me. The pressure was on. I didn’t know what answer Smiles was looking for, but I saw this as an opportunity to gauge his reaction. I tilted my head slightly to the side nodding and said, “Yeah.”
Our new friend called attention to and questioned my head tilt heavily. I pointed out we didn’t know each other all that long. I still look back and wonder if Smiles was actually looking for me to say yes. I still wonder if he was being distant because he thought I wasn’t fully invested in our budding relationship. Of course I wanted to say yes, we were dating, but I didn’t know where his head was at the time. I didn’t want to scare him off by being overzealous.
We were nearing the time to head out for the night, but I needed to use the facilities first. That was particularly a challenge because the bathroom was being used by a few to sign a birthday book photo album. Finally, I gave up and assumed I could go when I got back to Smiles’ apartment.
We went downstairs and hopped in a shared cab with one of the female guests from the party. As we progressed, I learned I would not be going back to Smiles’ apartment. My destination was the PATH to go home. I was slightly shocked and annoyed. It was a Friday night. Why wasn’t I being invited back to his place. I know I’d never been there before, but this was a bit ridiculous. It was around midnight, and I was dreading my trek back to Hoboken.
He hopped out of the cab with me. We said goodbye on the street with a quick kiss, and I was on my way home. I’m not gonna lie. I was hurt. I felt rejected. There was only so much rejection I could take.
As I walked, I pulled out my phone. I called Boston, but of course, he was still ignoring my calls. I left him yet another voicemail. I also called my new friend to see what he’s been up to. No answer either. Finally, I texted the Principal. It’d been a while since we chatted, so I thought I’d given him enough space. We began texting, but I told him I’d have to continue the conversation on the other side of the river.
While waiting for the PATH, I nearly p*ssed my pants. The train going into the city dropped off a tranny who felt the need to flirtatiously wave at me and say hi. When it finally arrived, I leaned my back against the wall and closed me eyes to concentrate on something other than my bladder. Two women were in front of me on the crowded train, and around a turn, one fell into me. They started arguing with each other and engaged me in conversation. Though not stated outright, I learned they were a lesbian couple, and they were hot. We had a long conversation, and when we arrived at the Hoboken stop, they invited me to come hang out with them. They had no idea my preferences fall in the men category, and they were inviting me back to their place. I used my bladder as an excuse and said goodbye. It was early enough, but I was not in the mood to play.
While speed walking home, a very large black girl grabbed my arm, pulled me towards her, and shouted, “TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU!” I ripped my arm free and continued to walk home, all the while texting with the Principal. I was flirting slightly, but not to the point of crossing the line with him. I missed talking to him and our flirtations. I really did like the guy, but the distance was still killer.
When I got home, I relieved myself and hopped into bed. I was disappointed I was there alone, but I opened up a whole new can of worms with the Principal. He still wasn’t over me, and I just scratched open that scab again. I even went as far as to pull up Grindr again for the first time in over a month.
It was just my luck. The one I wanted to be spending my night with just sent me on my way, while everyone I didn’t want anything to do with seemed interested in me.
Furthermore, I wouldn’t be seeing Smiles the following day. Originally I was planning to go to a horse race in New Jersey and invited him to join. When the day was approaching I was no longer interested in going and sold my ticket. I was hoping to spend the day with Smiles, but I learned he was going to Six Flags with friends — without me. I understand he has a life of his own, and I don’t have to spend every waking moment with him. But at this stage in our relationship, I wanted to spend more and more time with him. I certainly would have invited him on a fun trip such as the one he was going on. Apparently, he didn’t feel as strongly for me. A clearer picture was being painted for me. Maybe he just wasn’t that into me.
I realized things weren’t going as smooth as I would have liked, so I set myself on entertaining other ideas…
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 21, 2011
My weekend with Smiles was a decent one. I’m not self-destructive, nor do I get in my own way enough to think it was a failure or a bad weekend. Any time I spendt with him was progress, and it made me happy. But, I left the weekend feeling a little uneasy. I was denied twice in two days. Did he not find me attractive? Was he just thinking of me as a friend? Not knowing where I stood was eating away at me.
It’s obvious he was interested in me. But, it was his level of interest that worried me. We were in the beginnings of a budding relationship, or so I hoped. Things were supposed to be carefree and fun. The heavy stuff comes later. We should have been having sex like rabbits and dying to see each other.
I felt like I was constantly chasing after him. I got no indication he was interested in chasing me. But, maybe I wasn’t giving him the opportunity. Maybe I got so excited about him, I was constantly initiating our time together, and if given the chance, he would be asking me out on dates.
On Monday evening I texted him to see if I could spice things up with a little getaway. “Hey. What would you say to getting out of the city for a weekend?… Celebrate your birthday, just the 2 of us… Something totally low-key and relaxing like New Paltz, NY. Gorgeous this time of year too and not that far…” I thought if we hit up a bed and breakfast, we could find the time to get wrapped up in each other with no other distractions.
A big part of me thought this was a giant leap forward, and I was moving too soon, but another part of me noticed a little bit of stagnation. Things were getting a little stale. Maybe I needed to intervene to get us to that happy-go-lucky mindset.
Just as I expected, he safely replied, “Hmmm that sounds like fun, can I think on that one for a min? I’d want to be able to give you my full attention and I think with [work] this weekend, the [possibility of a new prospective work project] starting and the over two jobs with a bit of clock on them, I might not be totally present. Which wouldn’t be fair.”
I was right. Too soon, too fast. I didn’t want to cower and backtrack. I had to play it cool. “Certainly. Wasn’t exactly talking about this weekend. Was more thinking 3+ weekend out. Just wanted to throw it out on your radar,” I replied. I wasn’t lying. I was really just planning in advance.
He got my drift. I soon got a text back: “Ah. Ok. Sleep well. I’m crashing early tonight for a change.”
I decided to take some advice from friends and play a little hard to get. I stopped texting or calling. The next point of contact was going to be initiated by him. It killed me. I wanted to text so bad. I never went anywhere without my phone, waiting for him to text or call.
Tuesday went by without a word. I was in a bad place. I started having doubts about the whole thing. We were only a couple of weeks in, and he already grew tired of me. These weren’t good signs, and I started to really get down about it.
I decided, I wasn’t going to put myself back out there completely, but I was going to continue to put my ear to the ground to see what was going on out there. I started answering my messaged on OKCupid and chatting with a few guys. It was nothing crossing the line, but in a way, I was laying some groundwork if Smiles decided he was done with me.
Finally, on Wednesday, he texted me to ask me how my day was going. The exchange went back and forth a bit before simmering out. I was thrilled — Back on top. I recognized how happy I was, but I also recognized how dependent I am on others for my own happiness. This is an issue. I really need to learn to be more independent. It’s not healthy to need other people to that extent.
In our exchange, he invited me to come with him to a bar to watch a friend’s band the following night. I reminded him I had volleyball on Thursdays and couldn’t go. I really wanted to go, but another part of me was happy I had to turn him down. I have a tendency to drop everything for men I’m interested in. I needed to show I was independent as well.
Thursday went by, and we didn’t talk to each other during the day. On my way to volleyball, I texted him: “Thinkin’ bout you 🙂 .” He responded, “Good luck at your game!” It was nice he remembered I had a game. He was showing a vested interest in my life, which is always a good sign.
After volleyball, we texted a bit. He told me about how he didn’t get the project he was counting on for work. I knew it meant a lot to him, so I tried to console him as best I could. I knew he would be depressed for a few days as a result because he was really looking forward to it. I called him, and we spoke on the phone. I also took the opportunity to ask if I would get to see him Friday night.
Since he asked me to watch the band with him, I was satisfied he wanted to spend time with me, and I knew it wasn’t simply me chasing him down.
He had plans to go to a friend’s birthday party Friday night and talked about us going together as if we planned this long ago, and it was assumed I would be attending with him.
It appeared things were back on the upswing, at least emotionally for me. The question remained. Would we continue moving up, or was it only a matter of time before things started sinking again?…
Follow @onegayatatimeFillet Mignon and Baked Potatoes
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 18, 2011
After breakfast at the hotel, we got back on the road to my great-aunt’s house in Mount Vernon to drop off the keys and make our way home. It was surprisingly fast.
I was really disappointed I never got to chat much with the bride. It’d been years since I’d last seen her, and we only speak on the phone about once every four or five months.
During the whole ride, I had a lot of time to think. For me, this is deadly. When I have time to think, I crawl up into my own head and start digging around where I shouldn’t be digging — This is why I lead such an active lifestyle. Thinking depresses me.
A lot of thoughts about Smiles were going through my head. I was a little hurt and upset my advances were rejected in the morning. I also was very disappointed I didn’t get to grab brunch with him. Overall, I guess you could technically deem the weekend with him a success, but I still wasn’t thrilled. I was on unstable ground. I had no idea where I stood with him, and it was getting to me. As usual, I was over-thinking everything.
When we got back to Hoboken, we stopped at the grocery store. I decided to call Smiles to see if he wanted to come over that night. I wanted to make him a nice home-cooked meal since he never cooks for himself. We always go out for dinner or order take-out. He agreed to come by. I also had ulterior motives. I wanted make-up sex for Saturday morning when I was denied.
That evening, when he got off the PATH, I hopped on the motorcycle and rode down to pick him up. I was happy to finally get him out on the bike. He’d been on one before, so it wasn’t as exciting as the first time I’d taken motorcycle virgins on the bike, but it was nice to have him so close to me. We rode back to my apartment with his arms tightly around me. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I started us off with some artichokes while the fillets finished grilling and the rest of the meal finished cooking. I made more food than the two of us could possibly finish. When we had our fill, I cleaned up, and we made our way to my bedroom for the night. He asked if he’d be spending the night. “Of course you’re spending the night! Did you think I was going to kick you out now?” I responded. “I don’t know. Some people need their rest before Monday morning,” he said. I reminded him the size of the California king bed and assured him he wouldn’t disturb my slumber. If anything, he would enhance it.
Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. I started getting frisky. After not getting any the morning before, I was even more geared up for some great sex. We undressed each other and jockeyed for position once again. I wasn’t making the same mistake again. I made sure I was in position to top this time. When I pulled out my night-stand drawer to get a condom and some lube, he made a comment about the large dinner and not sure it was a good idea. I surrendered, and we decided to use alternate methods. He climbed on top and used his hand behind his back. I was impressed with his ingenuity and his willingness to try alternate methods. However, it wasn’t quite enough for me. It felt great, but I couldn’t quite get over the final hump, as is my issue often.
We stopped and just enjoyed each other’s bodies laying next to each other before we both cleaned up and hopped into bed.
When I woke in the morning, I snuck quietly into my bathroom to shower so he could fall back asleep. If he wanted, I was going to let him sleep as long as he wished and just pull the door shut behind him. However, he had a few things he wanted to get to Monday morning, so he joined me on my morning commute.
We casually walked to the PATH and hopped on. When the time came for him to get off, we exchanged a quick kiss. A lot was going through my mind before that. I was a little afraid to do it because I knew all eyes would be on me as soon as he got off. However, I was the one who initiated it. It was subconscious, but I wasn’t going to let fear of others’ reactions rule my actions anymore. I didn’t care who knew I was gay anymore.
I rode the rest of the way to work not making eye contact with others. I wasn’t 100% comfortable in my own skin, but I was still growing with every day. Things were progressing nicely with Smiles, and they could only get better with added confidence.
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