Posts Tagged Break-up
Creating Distance
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 10, 2012
Today is another Fast Forward Friday!!!
Hope you are enjoying these. It will help bring the blog a little closer to real time. If you’re keeping up with the stories chronologically, please skip down to this morning’s post first, then read this one. I think it’s a good one! Enjoy!
Back to your special edition of One Gay At A Time…
No matter how far apart we were or how busy we were, Smiles and I managed to find time to communicate or at the very least, send a text. It was something that always reminded me he was thinking about me when I wasn’t with him.
Silence. From Sunday afternoon through Tuesday evening — Crickets. Our last contact was Sunday afternoon when I asked him if we could spend the day together Monday. He told me he had to work, but that never stopped him from taking five minutes to pick up the phone and dial me or send me a text. He also told me he would call later Sunday night when I said goodbye to him after brunch, but as you know, that didn’t happen.
When Tuesday passed by, and I didn’t hear from him, I decided to give him a call. After-all, I’m the one who royally f*cked up, not him. Sure, he was distant throughout our relationship, but he never did anything quite as heartless as what I did.
The phone rang and rang and rang — No answer. I didn’t want to leave a voicemail because I wanted to say what I had to say live. I wanted to hear his reaction. I decided to wait.
After an hour, I decided to send him a text message: “How was the first day in the office?” You can see how patient a person I really am. Five minutes later, I received a response: “Lot happened today…” The text continued on to completely cover my entire phone screen and then some. Instead of picking up the phone and telling me all this, he sent a massive book of a text. I could tell he was very excited as things were really taking off for him, but all I could think about was how hurt I was. He completely dropped me like a bad habit. His career was really beginning to take off, and he had no use for me anymore. I had been there to support him through the rough stages, and when he began to have success, he forgot all about me. At this point, I didn’t give a sh*t about his new job. I barely even feigned interest. My responses were, “Gotcha,” “Sounds awesome!” and “Congrats.” I wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn’t. He treated me like trash.
He made sure to add things like, “Say that again at the end of March when I have free time again.” This was his way of not just nudging me away but giving me a big ol’ shove. I didn’t feel the least bit of guilt for “shopping” on a4a and Grindr the nights prior.
Just when I didn’t think the knife could cut any deeper, he said, “Ok. 9pm. Bedtime! Hope your first day back was more exciting than your last week there. Night!” I simply replied, “Night.”
If he was getting ready for bed, why didn’t he pick up the phone and call. I assumed he was at dinner or something. I was trying to justify him writing out a massive text versus calling me.
That’s when I realized how much of a coward he was. He was just going to put down the gun and slowly back away instead of just ripping the band-aid off. It was clear he wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with me any further. He should have been a man and said do. I thought I was done with all the petty childish games when I started dating a thirty-six year-old, but I was sorely mistaken. I was going to have to be the man in this relationship, or lack thereof.
That night was neither the time nor the place. I was going to do this in person. He wasn’t going to get the satisfaction of an easy fizzle. If we weren’t moving forward anymore, we weren’t going to be moving at all. I was going to end things. The time had come. No more second chances. No more opportunities to drag me along. For me, it was over.
Before he pulled this stunt, I was okay with the relationship coming to a close. I had already resolved myself to the fact it wasn’t what I was looking for, and it didn’t satisfy my needs. The only thing I lacked was closure. Now, I was mad as hell. After spending three months with him and dedicating a lot of myself to him, this was how he was going to treat me. Instead of looking back on our time together with fondness, I now began to look back with bitterness and doubt. I wondered if he ever really cared about me. I wondered if I was the only one in his life. Sure, we spent a lot of time together, but we also spent a lot of time apart. It’s not physically possible for him to be carrying on a relationship outside ours, but it doesn’t rule out any extra curricular activities.
I decided that night, Smiles was going to hear it. Everything I kept inside while we dated was going to finally come out. I just needed to pick the time and the place…
Follow @onegayatatimeWhat Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 10, 2012
Sunday afternoon, I tried to see if Smiles would want to do something fun the following day since I didn’t have to go to work. Sadly, he had work to do. He was trying to build up a company from scratch, and it is a lot of hard work, so I understood. What I didn’t expect was he would be busy he wouldn’t be able to find the time to pick up the phone and call or text.
Monday passed with me planted on the couch watching TV all day while surfing adam4adam.com and reactivating my Grindr account. I was just seeing what was out there, but as the afternoon progressed, I started to think toward the future while examining the past.
I realized I wasn’t happy. I equated my relationship to the struggle of Sisyphus, a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity. I was constantly putting work into the relationship only to find I wasn’t receiving much benefit from it.
I had given Smiles more than his fair share of chances to finally woo me, and he failed. I enjoyed his company, and he was a very nice, successful, good-looking man, but the time had come to move on. It just seemed he wasn’t that into me, and I realized I deserve better. Since I had been on the journey to this conclusion for quite some time, I wasn’t that broken up about it. I’ve had varied reactions to the end of relationships in the past. I moved on with closure after my mutual breakup with Broadway. I had slight some minor cardiac scarring after I ended things with San Francisco. I was a wreck when things went south with N — Losing ten pounds in a week (Not proud of that).
This epiphany wasn’t all that earth-shattering for me. Things had been on the decline for some time. This certainly didn’t come out of the blue, so the blow was lessened.
I actually started to get slightly angry about things. I felt used. I recalled asking Smiles on our first date why he was on Grindr, and he had mentioned he was lonely. I realized I was someone to pass the time for him. I was someone he could go to dinner with so he didn’t have to eat alone. I was someone he could have the occasional romp in the sheets when he was in the mood. I was a seat warmer. He never had any plans to forge a relationship with me, and this made me really feel used.
I wanted more. I deserved more. And I was going to find more. I started searching once again on a4a and Grindr. These are clearly not the best place to find Mr. Right, but it couldn’t hurt to try. Once again, it was just going to be a lot of work.
On top of it all, our sex-life was minimal. As a result, I was horny. I was hungry for some good sex. Over the summer when I was having my wild time, I felt I started to really hone my craft. I had numerous guys constantly hitting me up for seconds, thirds, and more. It was great for my ego, and I craved a really good romp in the sack.
That’s when I turned my efforts toward Grindr. I wanted to find a local guy with a hot body. I knew it wouldn’t be easy from past experience, but maybe some new hotties moved into the area in the three months I’d been away. I started talking to one guy for quite some time. We even started to Skype with each other while I watched TV. He lived very close and had a really nice body. He was Asian, which doesn’t quite get my engine roaring so there he wasn’t a relationship prospect, but we could at least start on a friendship. We face-time chatted most of the evening. I gave him full disclosure on the situation. We even discussed him coming over to hook up, but in the end I decided to be good.
Afterall, I still hadn’t officially ended things with Smiles yet. It wouldn’t be right. I’d already betrayed that relationship once, I didn’t need to do it again, not matter how resolved I was about its end.
I got an offer from a man I’d had a tryst with in the past. He begged me to come to his apartment, but it was cold outside, and it was getting late. I had work the next day, and I needed to go to bed. I told him I’d take a rain check.
My new friend went to bed, and I continued to figure out a way to satiate my libido. I figured I would hit up some old friends in my Skype contact list. One of the sexiest men happened to be online. He lived in South America on an island, and I wanted to do bad things to his body. It was amazing. I loved camming with him. The only issue was he had a big thing for me. He always begged me to be his boyfriend, no matter how many times I told him it couldn’t happen because we are so far away. He begged me to come visit, but I told him I couldn’t afford the flight. I wasn’t about to fly to South America for a booty call. But if he lived anywhere close, I would have been over there in a second!
I convinced him to have a little fun on camera until I finished. As usual, it sapped all the energy from my body, and I jumped into bed and dozed off without a thought left in my head.
Follow @onegayatatimeBreakfast 2.0
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 9, 2012
I continued my walk of shame north on Seventh Avenue. I was still dressed for a night out from New Year’s Eve the night before. I didn’t care if anyone judged me. I was in my own world. No one else existed that morning. I was utterly alone in a city of millions.
I continued to try to reach Boston through text and by phone, but no dice. Since I was going to be near his apartment, I thought I would reach out to Broadway. At the very least, I could kill time with a visit until Boston finally decided to get back to me. I called him, and he picked up after a few rings. I asked him what he was up to and told him I wanted to swing by for a visit. He was still in bed and said he needed a few minutes, but he told me to come by. I told him I was walking from the 20s, so there was no rush for him to get out of bed.
When I arrived, I walked right up to his apartment. It was like old times — A blast from the past. It’d been months since I’d been there, but it felt like yesterday. I knocked on the door, and he greeted me. I came in and sat while he finished getting ready for the day. We sat on the couch, and he asked how my New Years was. “Tell me stories. You always have good stories to tell me,” he added. I told him what I did the night before. I gave him the cliff notes because I didn’t want to belabor the point. The wound was still fresh and bleeding. He shrugged it off and suggested we go to the diner for breakfast. I kinda loved that about him. He knew how I felt about it, so he did his best to brush it under the rug.
I agreed to go to breakfast, but I told him I’d already eaten. I would keep him company, and we could catch up. It’d been since the summer since I’d seen him.
Breakfast was nice. He told me about the party he went to the night before and all the guys he was pursuing. As usual, he was very passive about it. “I dunno if I really want to see him again…” he’d say. He’d find something completely superficial to judge the guy about so he wouldn’t have to put in the effort.
Since Smiles’ birthday gathering, we gained a mutual friend. We learned this from Facebook. The guy who I palled around for the night had been at the party Broadway went to the night before. They interacted, but it wasn’t a positive interaction. Broadway was remotely interested in this guy, but apparently he gave him the cold shoulder. This really turned him off, but I assured him my birthday buddy was a really great guy. If I’d been single that night, I probably would have asked him for his number. Broadway wasn’t sold.
Ironically enough, Smiles and I were almost at this party. It wasn’t until Smiles learned of the over-priced charge to enter that he decided we were just going to the house party. It was crazy to realize Broadway, Smiles and I were all swimming in the same circles in New York City. Apparently the gay community was pretty tight, even in a big city. It put it all into perspective. It also made me realize the picture of myself I painted when I let a stranger suck on my neck and face in front of the guy I was dating.
I wasn’t feeling very talkative, so I did a lot of question asking and listening. When Broadway finished his breakfast, he asked for the check. He wasn’t feeling well, so he wanted to go back to bed. I checked my phone, and Boston still hadn’t gotten back to me. I guess I wouldn’t see him before he left the city.
I walked Broadway back to his apartment and said goodbye. Something I learned from him was it is okay to kiss an ex on the lips when you see them. When I first came out, I was fascinated by how often gay men kissed each other. This was completely foreign to me and not something I was comfortable with. Even if I travel in a big gay pack, I don’t think I would be kissing my gay male friends. But, I felt comfortable kissing a man who I had kissed over a hundred times. So we exchanged a kiss and a hearty hug before I made my way to Port Authority to snag a bus back to Hoboken.
While I walked to the bus, I texted Smiles: “Since I have the day off tomorrow, can we do something fun?” I was hoping I could do some damage control and get us back on a happy track.
It wasn’t long before I received a simple text in response: “I have to work tomorrow.” I was already picturing a Monday afternoon with me sinking deep into the couch by myself in front of the TV. I was very disappointed, but it’s not like I had anything to say. I was the one who royally messed up here. I was going to have to deal with the consequences.
Later that evening, I talked to Boston on Facebook. I told him what I did and how things played out. We didn’t talk long, but promised to come back to the topic when he had more time.
I had time all day to assess the situation. Why wasn’t Smiles mad? I realized I wasn’t happy about this. It hurt even more. It showed me quite clearly how little I meant to him. I didn’t see any way to recover from this. I was pretty sure our relationship was over. And, since I’m pretty much a high schooler in the gay dating world, I hopped back on adam4adam.com and Grindr that night to see what was out there. I wasn’t throwing my line into the sea, but I could at least swim around and see what kind of fish were out there…
Follow @onegayatatimeAm I Broken?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 13, 2011
The following topic of conversation is very embarrassing and very personal. It’s not easy to talk about, but I have a strong feeling I am not the only one who suffers from the issue. Warning: It may make some of you uncomfortable. I am exposing myself in this post, but I feel I need to face my demons to be able to get over them. I also feel guilty writing about this, because it’s a bit of an invasion of privacy for others, but I also feel it’s necessary if I’m being honest with myself and this blog. I wonder if someone out there may have insight to help me and others with this predicament. I feel the need to shine a light on this issue, as no one is talking about it.
My intentions were obvious this time around with Smiles. My hand was down his pants fondling him until I was pushed away with a grunt. There was no misconstruing my intentions. After being denied sex yet again by Smiles, I felt the need to consult my council.
I called Boston for his take on the situation. I explained being denied sex on more than one occasion. His immediate response was, “Oooooo. That’s not good. Something isn’t right.”
I responded, “I know, right? I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a mountain out of a mole hill.”
We chatted about the issue, and he told me I needed to address the issue. “Sex is an important part of any relationship, and based on what I read in your blog, sex is important to you,” he added. We discussed the best way to bring it up. The main consensus was waiting until the relevant situation arose. He suggested I don’t bring it up over dinner. If I was denied again, I should bring it up immediately to find the root of the problem.
This was the point in the conversation where I made a small confession of my own. I was worried I may have been to blame for the quantity. I explained my climaxing issue to Boston for the first time in full detail. I told him, while I’d been with Smiles a few times, I had yet to climax. This was through no fault of Smiles. This was a common occurrence for me dating back to the days I was with Broadway. In fact, I feel it was a large part of the reason we broke up. It put a lot of strain on the relationship. He took it personally, even though I assured him it had nothing to do with him. I was still quite attracted to him and still received pleasure from sex, but I wasn’t finishing.
I never was able to find the root of my problem. For a while, I hoped it would fix itself. When it didn’t I explored a number of theories. The leading one being I hardwired my brain to function in a specific way in relation to sex.
For 16+ years, my main outlet for my sexual frustrations was viewing gay porn and pleasuring myself. I wasn’t dating men, and I wasn’t exactly a lady killer either. I would go home, open the laptop, and take care of myself. I worried my brain was hardwired to react only to that stimuli.
I wanted nothing more than to “fix” this issue. For some time, I masked it by prepping myself. If I knew Broadway and I would be having sex, I watched porn before I saw him to build up a “spank bank.” I referred to this when he got me close to finishing to get me over that last hill. It worked for some time, but eventually that solution lost its effectiveness. That’s when things got really bad. I got so stressed about it, when the moment came, there was nothing I could do but think about my lack of performance. I was so wrapped up in the issue, there was no unwinding me at that point.
I had many frank discussions with Broadway on the subject. After discussing it, we agreed not to talk about the issue for some time. It was the only way I was going to be able to relieve some of the pressure I was putting on myself. Eventually it did the trick, and I had my happy ending. However, it wasn’t a 100% solution. Most of the time, I was only able to cum after he performed oral sex. A majority of our relationship, I never climax from anal penetration. The issue was still there. It was just lessened.
It wasn’t as big an issue with San Francisco because we were an entire country apart. When I was physically with him out in San Francisco, I had no issue. When we Skyped, it took slightly longer, but eventually I climaxed. After San Francisco, I slept with a handful of guys. I specifically remember it being an issue with The Trainer. I know it’s not an issue of physical attraction, because he had a body like a god! However, I had to finish myself off that time, and it took some time.
When I was dating N, it took a long time, but I almost always finished. He started noticing my “condition” as time went on. We discussed it lightly, but I think he was under the impression it just took me a little longer than most guys to finish. As I’ve said before, I had to resort to my “spank bank.” Many times, what I was imagining involved the two of us. I wasn’t even imagining porn stars. It was the two of us in different scenario/locations other than in my bed.
Over the summer, it wasn’t really and issue for me. I had no strong connection to the guys I was sleeping with. It was purely recreation and my own need to get some crazy out of my system. I had no pressure or image to keep up. I was just having fun, and it worked.
The first time Smiles and I had sex, I bottomed. No matter who I have been with, I have never finished from bottoming. It has its pleasures, but it never had that effect on me — Hence my status as a preferred top. With Smiles, there was one time when I was very close during oral sex. I was right there, but I just couldn’t close that final gap. After we had sex other times, and I still didn’t finish, I began to morph my theory.
I have a very high pain threshold. Because of this, I wonder if I am in turn cursed with a high pleasure threshold. Maybe it takes more to get me off. I also wondered if my stimulation comes from something more visual. Maybe I need to witness the penetration to climax. Again, these are all just shots in the dark, no pun intended, but I want nothing more than to figure out this enigma. However, I haven’t been able to test my theory at this point.
Smiles expressed his interest early on to work with me to figure this out. It meant a great deal to hear him verbalize this to me. I need someone who can be understanding and patient with me if I’m going to lick this thing.
After I talked to Boston, after a drunk night at the bar, I discussed in length with D my issue. This was really tough for me because I am so embarrassed by the situation. It makes me feel like less of a man. He was helpful in our discussion and helped me feel more comfortable talking about it.
I also called to Broadway. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable talking to him about the details of my new relationship, nor did I think it was fair to him. But, he had experience with this issue. He knew what was going on with me, and maybe now that we weren’t together, he could help me find the key. When I told him I was being denied sex, he immediately said, “Something’s wrong! That’s not normal. You need to talk to him about it.” Everyone was telling me what I already knew, but not what I wanted to hear. In thinking I was partially responsible for the situation, I brought up my issue. Maybe he was avoiding sex with me because I couldn’t finish.
Broadway told me I needed to stop being so stupid about it. I was stressing myself out over it, and that wasn’t going to solve anything. I needed to acknowledge to myself the issue and go see someone about it. I told him I had been entertaining the idea of going to see a therapist, but it takes a very special type of therapist for such a sensitive issue. It wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to find in the yellowpages. He again just indicated I needed to talk to someone about it if I wanted to get over it. He also reminded me I needed to talk to Smiles directly about why we weren’t having sex more often.
The next morning when I woke, I sent Smiles a message detailing my desire for him to be in the bed next to me and how horny I was. He responded positively and seemed he would have been up for morning sex had he actually been there. I was surprised considering a few hours earlier I was denied.
We made plans for Sunday, and I went on with my pondering my issue for the rest of the day. Did he think I didn’t enjoy sex? That certainly isn’t the case. Even if I don’t finish, I still thoroughly enjoy sex and still get a body high from it. Did it bruise his ego to know I wasn’t being fully stimulated by him? I can assure him, it is me, not him. There were a million questions, but no solid answers.
One thing is clear. I need help. I cannot solve this problem on my own, but maybe talking about it with my therapist, Dr. WordPress, will help me face my demons head on and conquer them. Only time will tell…
Follow @onegayatatimeFabricated Frustrations
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 4, 2011
As things were progressing with Smiles, I started to feel guilty about The Principal. I really liked him, but I didn’t want to string him along. I needed to do some damage control.
I legitimately enjoyed talking to him and found him to be a great guy. If he lived closer, I’m sure a relationship would have developed, but living six hours away prevented all that. The time came to protect his feelings. Through our discussions, I knew he was falling for me harder by the minute. I needed to cut things off before we got any deeper, even if that meant hurting him a little now. I needed to find a way to do this without hurting his feelings.
I decided to approach it by telling him the distance thing was getting to me. I was going to blame it on that so he didn’t feel responsible for my wanting to morph the relationship into a simple friendship. This is how the conversation went down:
Me: “So, I told you I would always be honest with you on things, and I’m starting to have my doubts about all this.”
P: “Okay. What’s the mater? Figured you were giving up on me.”
Me: “I just haven’t seen this going anywhere… I can deal with the distance as long as there is progress, and I haven’t seen that. I’m worried if it’s been this tough so far to get things off the ground, it’s only going to get tougher.”
P: “We are not in a relationship. This isn’t preventing you from doing anything. So what’s the harm? Next, what’s been tough lately? What happened over the past 3-4 days?”
Me: “I think you are a great guy, and I like you a lot. But, I’m having doubts this is a good idea if feelings are getting involved. What changed is I had a hard time both remembering to text or call and to find the time to do so. And, I feel bad about that! However, I don’t hear my phone ringing all that often to be honest either.”
P: “And, this came about because? Have I done something recently?”
Me: “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
P: “K. You don’t need to feel bad.”
Me: “I’m just being honest.”
P: “I haven’t called in the past 2 days because I was waiting to see if you’d put in some effort.”
Me: “I mean in general.”
P: “So, you feel I don’t call or contact a lot first?”
Me: “You text me, but you know how I feel about that. I can’t think of this as not a relationship. I’m not capable of that based on how we talk to each other. And by tying myself up in this relationship, I don’t feel I’m opening myself up to something else, and I just don’t know if this is enough for me. Does that make sense?”
P: “It does. Why did you feel bad this weekend? You weren’t thinking of me? It’s okay. Um. You’d date a guy if he came along right?”
Me: “Which goes to say, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you anymore. It’s just the tone and frequency that may change.”
P: “I mean first you have to be interested in someone? Then you can worry about that. No? You should worry about not being able to open up to a guy when you see someone who interests you. What can I do to have you continue to be close? My ‘babe?’ LOL.”
Me: “And, how is this fair to you? I string you along until I find another guy? That’s not right!”
P: “I know the risk I’m taking. You find another guy, I back off and let you be happy.”
Me: “I know. But I don’t play like that. The emotions that build up until I meet someone else.”
P: “Obviously sounds like you just don’t like me that much.”
Me: “I like you plenty. I just don’t like the situation. And, I don’t want to hurt.”
P: “And, then you meet someone. If we meet before then, we could discuss different terms.”
Me: “This isn’t easy, but I’m trying to make the mature decision. I thought it would go down differently than it has. I thought after a month I’d have seen you already.”
P: “I’m shocked by this.”
Me: “I thought we’d be making this work long distance, when really it’s just been ‘how’s your day’ text messages and calls.”
P: “I know you want more in-depth talks.”
Me: “We had a fight about this… I told you I wanted more. I haven’t seen more since then.”
P: “How else is making this work long distance? More talks? I have a feeling that still won’t be enough.”
Me: “Exactly. I thought by now we’d be planning a second visit. We haven’t had a first.”
P: “You haven’t been home at night. Been doing every sport in the world.”
Me: “I’m not pointing fingers in blame! By any means. I take responsibility as well. I lead a very active lifestyle.”
P: “Yup.”
Me: “I just need more if I’m in a relationship, and if I’m not getting that, it’s more of a friendship. Just redefining us. Not eliminating us.”
P: “Well. Not hearing ‘babe’ or having that closeness… Seems more like eliminating.”
Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
P: “Just unhappy about this obviously. I can try to have more intimate talks and move us forward.”
Me: “I think we need to discuss this more, but I have a busy afternoon until this evening…”
P: “I like you. I feel emotionally connected to you. Of course you do. “
Me: “Can I call you later? And that snide comment is exactly why I feel this conversation needs to happen.”
P: “Yet, I get the blame for no contact. I might be with friends later.”
Me: “I’m not going to fight with you about this, so please drop the combative attitude.”
P: “I’d stop anything for a guy who will do the same for me. Babe. You made up your mind right?”
Me: “No. I want to talk to you about this, but I have work to do.”
P: “So you want to talk more to tell me how you want less contact and just a friendship?”
Me: “You are impossible. I want to discuss how we can proceed from here. Please be an adult about this.”
P: “I am if you are saying you are open to developing our closeness. Great. If you are going to continue to explain our new status, I get your thoughts. I’m not mad. Have a good afternoon. I get that you want the tone and frequency to change. I’ve missed you and care about you and think you’re an incredible person.”
With that, the texting conversation ended for the afternoon. I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to him like adults, but every time I called, he ignored me. He would go right back to texting me, but would not discuss this over the phone. I don’t like having conversations like this over text. You can’t hear someone’s tone in a text. Later that night we chatted some more:
P: “In bed thinking of you. Very unhappy about this situation.”
Me: “I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sorry. I know I need more in a relationship, but I’m also trying to take your feelings into consideration.”
P: “You need more, so go find more… I’m very frustrated.”
Me: “What are you frustrated about?”
P: “That you want to just quit and be friends.”
Me: “I don’t want things to get messy. I don’t want to hurt you. How are you going to feel when I say, ‘I met someone?’ “
P: “I’m sensing you just lost interest. I’m a big boy. You meet someone and then I’ll get put aside. You don’t like me. Then there’s not much I can do with that.”
Me: “Okay. The truth is, I did meet someone.”
P: “K. That you should have said. So much for always being honest. So what’s with the I don’t know how to fix this?”
Me: “I thought it would make things easier if I asked you to just be friends, but if that means you think I don’t like you, then I feel the need to come clean… Cause I do like you.”
P: “Okay. I wish you luck. You’re a great guy.”
Me: “I want to keep you as a friend. That’s why I’m treating treading so delicately. Are you okay?”
P: “We can be friends, but I need space… I’m fine. Not happy about it, but what can I do?”
Me: “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you! You’re an amazing guy!”
P: “We are going to change our relationship, and that’s not going to happen soon. If you’re ever single and want to explore, definitely contact me. If I’m single, who knows…”
Me: “Okay. I’ll give you space. When you feel comfortable, please reach out to me again!”
I didn’t feel I got the closure I needed with him. I could tell he wasn’t happy and a little heart-broken. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew if I kept up the charade, it would only get worse down the road. I think I did the right thing. I did what needed to be done. Now it was a matter of time and healing before he would reach out to me again.
Follow @onegayatatimeTurning Over a New Leaf
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 5, 2011
With the passing of Labor Day, summer officially ended in my book. I was sad to see it go. Like always, it flew by in no time. Its passing wasn’t all sadness, however. My favorite season was right around the corner. The changing of the leaves, the crisp air, the smell of fireplaces… all things I loved about the fall.
Just as the seasons were transforming, so too was I. Since I broke up with N, I went off the deep end. Part of this is because I never had my wild time. While everyone else was hooking up and experimenting in high school and college, I was being a good boy. I sat there and watched everyone else experience relationships and casual sex. I was asexual. Sure, I had my fair share of hookups with women, but nothing worth writing home about.
When I finally accepted myself and came to terms with my homosexuality, I found myself in a relationship right off the bat. I never had a chance to meet new guys and discover new things. Following my breakup with Broadway, I had a short window of wild time, but it was mainly filled with dates that ended with me going home alone. Then came San Francisco, shortly followed by N. This summer was the first time I was single and gay. Did I live it up? Yes. Am I proud of everything I did? Hell no, but I also have no regrets. Everything was an experience, whether it was something I learned from or something that made me a better person.
I began to look back and examine my summer. I wasn’t being true to who I am — True to myself. I don’t have casual sex. I’m a monogamist. I crave a meaningful relationship with a special guy who appreciates me, body and soul. If I kept sleeping around, I was never going to find this. I need to make a change. I thought I would be able to ease into it when I returned from Martha’s Vineyard, but I was wrong. I needed to be more drastic. I was going to be a good boy, even if it meant the palm of my hand would be raw.
I had two friends with benefits. I needed to cut them off completely. Closet was still messaging me since we last hooked up. “Hey man, haven’t talked to you on a while. Hope all is well. Don’t want to sound insecure or anything(too late), and I know you said its not a bother to text/email you, but just FYI in case that ever changes just let me know you’re lookin for something different or you’re seeing someone else. Lol feel free to lie to me, just would rather know if you’d rather me step back… I don’t want to become one of those creepers that I keep hearing about haha. Anyway hope to see you sometime, even to meet out for a drink or something. Later man.”
I originally found both my friends with benefits on adam4adam.com, so I sent them both messages on there. I lied and told them I was seeing someone, and I wouldn’t be able to see either of them anymore: “Hey dude. Sorry I haven’t hit you up. Everything is fine. I have started seeing someone, and I decided I need to stop with hookups outside a relationship regardless of that person. I think you’re a great guy, and I had a great time with you! Don’t doubt that. I just need to find a serious relationship right now, so I’m concentrating on that. I hope you understand!!!”
While the muscular weekend hookup simply replied, “No worries,”
Closet had a few more things to say: “Hey bro, its cool. No hard feelings. I mean can’t say I’m not disappointed, cause putting the physical aside, you really seem like a great guy, and I’m glad we met. Honestly, I felt weird saying it to you before, but now what the hell hehe…you’re the first guy I was with that made me think I wanna come out(not to mention my first for a few other things, lol). Obviously not saying I was in love after a few hookups lol, but I felt something more than just empty sex. I’m considering it after the holidays this year (you know, one last Christmas where the family likes me, hehe), but I’ll revisit that one later. Anyways, you’re a great catch, and I hope you find a great guy – and my offer remains open if you wanna grab a beer, just as a friend, hit me up. Thanks again dude, and I hope our paths cross again sometime. P.s. Two more things… 1. Thanks for being so patient with me in bed and all that, even though I still need to loosen up a little (pun intended), you really made me feel comfortable. 2. If you ever run into me while out at bars or whatever, cuz I’ve been in Hoboken quite a bit lately, feel free to say hi. I’m trying to gradually cut back on the paranoia part of all this.”
I felt pretty bad about the situation with Closet. It was obvious he was starting to fall for me, but I had no interest in pursuing anything with him. I knew I was right to cut it off when I did.
Outside of my regulars, I gave up Grindr cold turkey. I knew it would be too tempting to fall into something if they were hot and looking to hookup.
I joined OKCupid, was checking ManHunt and adam4adam.com regularly to see if there were any guys reaching out to me I’d be interested in meeting. It wasn’t easy finding a man up ’til now. I couldn’t expect it to get any easier just because I stopped hooking up with random men. None of the men I went on dates with previously showed any interest in seeing me again. Pillow and The Trainer kept giving me the runaround, so I had to learn when to simply give up and move on.
I started to wonder what was wrong with me. What was I doing wrong? Without the sex and without the happy feeling I get when I have a prospective guy I’m seeing, I started getting cranky. This was going to be a learning experience for me. I needed to not only find a man, but also to find myself. In the meantime, everyone around me would to have to watch out. I was not a happy camper…
Follow @onegayatatimeThe Closet Turns in His V-Card
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on September 23, 2011
Just when you thought you heard the last from N, he’s made his way right back into the blog. You certainly weren’t the only one. We hadn’t spoken in a while. I got tired of his constant insinuations I was a whore. I was finding myself, and he was certainly not someone who should be judging me. I was over him, but I still wanted his friendship. But, if that meant dealing with the harassment I was receiving, I didn’t need his friendship that much.
On a random Thursday night at 12:30am I received a text from N. This is the conversation that ensued:
N: “Wanna go out? Cmon! Lol. I just got in from dinner with French coworkers.”
Me: “What!?”
“Lol. I took tomorrow off.”
Me: “Haha. Me too.”
N: “Hahahahah. Let’s gay bar. Lol. Jk. N’ play with men.”
Me: “Haha. Where’s your boy?”
N: “My boy?”
Me: “Yea.”
N: “He’s home. I just said I wanna play. Not hookup.”
Me: “I wasn’t saying that.”
N: “I’m not a slut.”
Me: “I didn’t say you were. Don’t put words in my mouth.”
N: “Can I put something else in your mouth instead?”
Me: “Lol. I’m not a slut. Haha.”
N: “I bet. ;)”
Me: “Okay. Maybe a lil”
N: “Pig”
Me: “?”
N: “Joke”
Me: “You at home?”
N: “Yup.”
Me: “Not going to the bar, but I’ll hang on the balcony if you’re down… Bored…”
TIME PASSES
Me: “Ha! Waiting for a better offer?… Haha”
N: “STFU. I’m smoking with my roommate.”
Me: “Enjoy.”
THE NEXT MORNING
N: “God, I was wrecked.”
Me: “Any interest in a trip to the gym uptown?”
N: “I’m going into work in five. Taking a cab. Or else I would.”
Me: “I thought you took the day off?”
N: “I think I’m going there from now on. I saw your old roommate there Wednesday.”
Me: “I know. Don’t change your gym for him. He’s not gonna blow you in the sauna…”
N: “Okay. I wasn’t changin’ for your weird unattractive ex-roommate, or for a sauna blowjob. But thanks for looking out.”
Me: “Any time.”
N: “Jerk.”
He may have gotten his jibes in, but I certainly didn’t stand there and take it this time. I started out playing along to try to show him the comments didn’t bother me. I thought if I played along, maybe they’d stop. I was wrong. That’s when I realized I needed to throw it right back at him. It seems to have worked. At this point I needed a break. His drunk texts may have been sober thoughts, but I wasn’t playing that game! It just proved to me once again I was the guy who conveniently lived across the street. Only time would heal that wound.
That entire week, Closet was texting me asking for sex. That Friday night I was free, and once again, I was home alone. I told him to come by.
This time, when he arrived, we went straight to the bedroom. We chatted while he took his shoes, shirt and pants off, but that didn’t last long. He lunged for me on the bed and was immediately on top of me, passionately making out. We stripped each other of all clothing and enjoyed each other’s company immensely.
Then, out of nowhere, he informed me he had been doing some preparation that week and asked me to try penetration again. I knew he was a virgin to this and it would certainly be a learning experience for him. I debated if I wanted the responsibility of being his first. He was a really nice guy, and we were having fun. In the five seconds I thought about it, I convinced myself, “Why not?” We were both here just to hook up. Why shouldn’t it be educational as well?
We both prepped, and I began slowly. VERY slowly. He of course winced at first, but soldiered on. I was impressed. After a while he really enjoyed himself, but then all of a sudden he asked to stop. He said he felt the need to urinate. He ran into the bathroom but nothing. He came back, and we began again. He apologized once more and said he had to use the bathroom. Again, nothing. He came back perplexed. I explained it was something he needed to get used to feeling. I was possibly pushing on his bladder or prostate. The whole time we were hooking up, I was slightly distracted. I kept thinking about how much he felt like a kid. He is older than I am, but he certainly felt like the much younger student. It was a strange dynamic. I barely knew what I was doing. How was I teaching someone else?
We began again, and he started to relax and enjoy himself. By the time we finished, he was enjoying himself full force. And thus, a bottom was born!
We laid there and chatted a bit. I got us glasses of water while we talked. After some time passed, we both showered, got dressed, and I gave him a kiss goodbye. I didn’t want to get in too deep with him, but for the time being, we were having fun. I wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. I had a feeling as well, this wouldn’t be the last time I saw Closet…
Follow @onegayatatimeThe Ex’s
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 23, 2011
Still reeling from the high of a hot successful lunch date, I was pleasantly surprised that evening by the return of my belongings from N. Before he came by, I made sure I looked great. I threw on a tight tank and some gym shorts. I had been going to the gym and beach a lot and wanted to show him how good I looked. Little messed up? Ehhhhh probably… Don’t judge. We’ve all been there.
After letting him in the door, I returned to sitting on the couch. He came and sat to chat a bit. We discussed how things were going and made small talk. It was nice. We were being pleasant. I was shocked too. Not once did something catty come out of his mouth. It appeared both of us finally moved on. This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. He couldn’t stay long. He handed me my clothing to check if he got it all. It appeared he did. I put the clothes down and he came in for a hug. It was nice. I liked hugging him. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. I cared about him. I feel people are too afraid to hug these days. He even turned his head and gave me a peck on the cheek. It was very nice.
He wouldn’t be the only ex I would see that night. I had plans to see the second half of the final Harry Potter installment with Broadway. We watched the first half together right before we broke up, so I thought it would be nice if we finished the series together. He agreed.
True to my own style, I was exceptionally late. He asked me to get to the theater early to hold seats for us. It was a late showing, but it was also a new movie. The theater would be crowded. As I was running to the theater, I was texting him to calm his nerves. If we didn’t have great seats, he would wait to see it another time. This was important to him. It also bothered him because this was something I did all the time when we were dating. I have a hard time being on time for things, “but at least I’m consistent,” I joked.
I got into the theater and found us seats. He arrived shortly into the previews, and we sat back for the movie.
Earlier that day, he invited me to crash at his apartment after the movie since it ended at 1:00 in the morning. I graciously accepted since I knew how easy the commute from his apartment was. I also knew he was dating someone, so there wouldn’t be any temptation for funny business from either of us. I had no desire to revisit that past, but the thought crossed my mind wondering if he would.
On the walk home, we talked about our dating lives. I told him about all my failed dates, including the self-centered dermatologist. He updated me on his drama and the recent end of his relationship with the guy he was seeing. We were both in the same boat. It was interesting too, considering months earlier he said I wasn’t a priority in his life. I wasn’t mad about that. I was happy to see him moving on and trying to find a man. I just found it interesting.
Since the last time I spent the night in his apartment, they had done some major remodeling. It was nice to finally get to see all the hard work he put in to the place. I was happy for him. When we were both too tired to keep our eyes open any longer from talking, he set me up in his empty roommate’s bed and went to sleep.
I was just happy we could be good friends and share a movie together. We talked about going out to the bar together. Now that we spoke about seeing other men, he would be able to see me hitting on a guy at the bar. We were in a good place. It gave me hopes for N and I. I was finally making great progress with the two men who used to rule my world…
Follow @onegayatatimeUnhappy Ending
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 19, 2011
I woke Sunday morning and decided my time with Mr. Grindr was over. N was still trying to get with him, and that was a whole lot of drama I didn’t want to get into. I was disgusted by the whole thing. It reminded me constantly of the time I cheated on N just for the sake of evening a score. It reminded me of how much less of a man I was. I didn’t need it. Plenty of other fish in the sea. I think I kept him on the roster for so long as I did because I felt guilty for dragging him into the middle of N and I.
Since no one was in town, I did what I could to clear my head. I don’t do well alone. When I’m alone, I have nothing to distract me. I star to crawl up into my own head, and I don’t like what I find. I get depressed. I know this isn’t healthy, but denial is a wonderful thing! I decided to head down to the pier in Hoboken with a few magazines and my notebook to catch up on my blogging.
Of course, I couldn’t leave the house without my matchmaker, Grindr. And once again, I found myself spending more time searching and less time writing. I managed to reconnect with a guy I had been chatting with on an earlier day. He was a sexy black man from Jersey City. I have nothing against black men, but they’re not usually my type. However, I don’t discriminate, so I convinced him to come to the pier and hang out with me.
I had been in the sun a majority of the day and was enjoying myself. I sat and people watched and read Men’s Health and Details. He showed up a few hours later. We shook hands, and he sat next to me. We started with small talk, but as the day progressed, the conversation developed more substance. We shared a great deal in common. He looked like quite the athlete as well. He had nice arms and great legs. He kept his shirt on while we sat in the sun. I found this slightly odd, but to each his own. I just wanted to see what was under the shirt.
When I couldn’t take any more of the sun, I asked if he wanted to grab a drink. I was enjoying his company a lot. He seemed like a great guy. We packed up my blanket and other things and walked to nearby Trinity to sit by the waterfront and have a few cocktails. I hadn’t had lunch, so I ordered a large salad. We both got drinks outside our usual comfort zones and shared with each other. It was nice. We were having a good time. Eventually, he ordered some food as well.
I was pleasantly surprised. This was a completely last-minute unplanned date, and it was turning out to be quite good. I was also finding myself more and more attracted to him. He had an amazingly infectious smile.
After a few round of drinks, we took a walk along the waterfront. I hit a bit of a snag in keeping the date going. It was starting to get late, so I wanted to head back to my apartment, but I also wanted him to join me. But, I had my motorcycle and only one helmet. When we arrived at my bike, I explained the predicament and invited him to come back. I would have to ride home, and walk and meet him half way to my apartment. He agreed, so I sped off.
When we got to the apartment, I opened a bottle of wine, and we went out to the balcony to relax and keep the dialogue going. When 11:00 rolled around, he was ready to head home. I invited him to stay. He knew I was no longer interested in simple hookups. I made that clear early on, so he questioned my logic. I told him, “After spending the day with you, I feel comfortable and would like you to stay.” He graciously agreed, and we started making out on the balcony. After some time passed, I grabbed his hand and brought him back to my room.
The clothes came off, and that’s when I got a bomb dropped on me. All of a sudden, I knew why the shirt stayed on at the pier. While his legs and arms were quite toned and muscular, his mid section was very flabby. It was almost as if he had lap band surgery and hadn’t completed the skin restructuring. When I grabbed for his ass, it felt like a Ziploc of water. There was absolutely no muscle definition there. He wasn’t kidding when he told me he was a mathlete in high school, and not the football player I pictured him to be.
I’m sure I’m coming across very shallow at this point, but sexual attraction is 40% of a relationship for me. This was 40% I couldn’t get over. I can be very forgiving about a lot of things on a guy, but this was tough. I had been with a guy before who had this issue, but it was very slight. I looked past it. Tonight, I could, but this guy would not be back for seconds. I liked him a lot, but I was no longer sexually attracted to him. We still fooled around, and he spent the night with me, but I couldn’t picture myself repeating the night.
In the morning, we woke and got dressed. I explained how he could get to the light rail to head home. We kissed and he invited me to hang out again. He said I could come hang at his pool sometime. I appreciated this. He really was a nice guy. I could easily see us being friends, but we certainly would not be romantically involved. I gave him a kiss goodbye, and with that, he walked out the door.
Follow @onegayatatimeDéjà vu
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 17, 2011
Thursday night, after my usual volleyball game, I grabbed my roommates and took them to my favorite local watering hole. It was going to be the perfect drama-free night I needed. We were gonna have fun! I invited N, but he had plans to go to dinner with friends and said he had to be at work at 6am.
However, we arrived at the bar only to find it DEAD. No one was out. We didn’t let that get us down. I took the opportunity to introduce the new roommates to all the bartenders, bouncers and even the manager. I went to this bar every weekend, and they treated me like family. I wanted my roommates to be shown the same love. The bartenders poured us drinks all night, and we all got properly drunk. We were also dancing up a storm with the five other people in the bar.
All night long, I was getting texts from Mr. Grindr. He was out and wanted to know what I was up to. Turned out, he was at the bar next door. I told him to come by, but he didn’t. When it was about closing time, I told him to come over to my apartment. He was a little weirded out because I was walking with my roommates, but I told him they were cool. He met us when we were halfway to the apartment. I hung back from the roommates and chatted him up on the walk home. He wanted to know why I wasn’t calling to hang out. I said the same thing back to him. If he wanted to hang out, he could just as easily pick up the phone and call me. I wasn’t all that thrilled about hanging out with him, but I wasn’t opposed to exploring the benefits of being friends.
When we got back to my room, of course the conversation started to revolve around N because he was texting him once again while he laid in my bed. For some reason, Mr. Grindr felt the need to show me some of the texts N was sending. One jumped at me. It said “baby boy” in it. Another little piece of my heart broke at that moment because that was something N called me all the time. I thought it was a term of affection he used towards me, but apparently it also went for guys he was trying to have sex with. Looks like I was simply one of those guys after all. When Mr. Grindr didn’t respond to the texts, N responded, “Well. Have fun with whoever you’re with.” Mr. Grindr suggested a threesome at this point. “If you think that’s happening, you’re nuts!” I responded.
Mr. Grindr told me he felt weird again because he had been talking to N before he even met me. Once again, I imagined they would have hooked up sooner if both weren’t in the closet to their roommates.
We started hooking up and things got hot. We had sex multiple times that night. At one point, he tried to insert himself with great force without any preparation. I’m not a fan of being a bottom to begin with, but this was unbearable. I nearly flung him off the bed and ran into the bathroom to make sure I was alright. That certainly was not going to happen again. I decided right then and there, that was going to be a prize possession only a special few would receive in the future.
In between sessions, we had a conversation about him staying or leaving for the night. We also somehow got on the topic of his parents being in the middle of a divorce and the issues it was bringing up for him. He was drunk, but the conversation was getting heavy beyond my comfort zone. He also mentioned something to the effect of him wanting to invite me to his brother’s wedding in the coming week. I quickly changed the subject because that was NOT going to happen, and I had no idea where that came from. We ended up both falling asleep and him spending the night. He certainly liked to cuddle and spoon. The next morning, he woke up and had to rush home to get ready for work. I texted him after he left, mentioning us grabbing a drink a the bar sometime, and he agreed. This was the last time I saw him, and I don’t plan to see him again. He carried a lot of baggage I didn’t want to get into.
I hopped on Grindr to see who messaged me overnight. I noticed N was signed on and only a few feet away. So much for being at work at 6am. He didn’t owe me an explanation, but he was starting to really show the pattern of a pathological liar. I don’t know why he even felt the need to lie. He could have said, “I don’t feel like going to the bar tonight, but thanks.” I would still try to be his good friend, but trust would always be an issue between us.
Ironically, I found solace through this whole breakup in a Beyoncé song. I found the lyrics exceptionally poignant. If you’ve gone through a recent breakup, I highly suggest listening to it.
The next day I felt myself feeling empty from my recreational sex. I spent 26 years masturbating. It was nice to have sex on demand, but it was emotionless and empty. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I needed to change. I decided then and there I wanted to find a boyfriend, and I needed to stop trying to fill the void in my life with meaningless sex.
That weekend, many of my friends went away. N went down to the Jersey Shore, and I was jealous. I was unhappy and lonely. I needed to learn how to be alone again. That night, I went to bed and had many dreams about men and Grindr. This proved it was consuming my life. I needed to cut back, or I would become one of the gay men I despise so much…
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 