Posts Tagged denied sex
If having to work on a Sunday isn’t bad enough, following a night of heavy drinking only makes things worse. My coworkers noticed my less than human state and offered to get me things to ease my pain, but I explained I just wanted to finish work and go back to bed.
The day was long and arduous. Many of my coworkers were dragging their feet, and it was all I could do to light a fire under their asses. I was trying to be as time efficient as possible, but it was no use unless everyone else was onboard.
When I didn’t think my day could get any worse, my mother called to tell me my grandfather passed away. I was expecting the news, but I had no idea when the call would come. He had very advanced cancer, so it was only a matter of time. I know he was more than ready to go, at times basically asking the hospital to give him the “black pill,” but no one likes to see a loved one go.
I soldiered on through my day not mentioning it to anyone until I was about to leave. I needed to tell my boss I would out at the end of the week to go home for the funeral. He was very sympathetic and supportive.
Really, after such a long day at the office, I wanted nothing more than to see Smiles. He could make me happy, no matter what physical state I was in. I hadn’t seen him since Friday night, and I didn’t get to spend the night in his apartment. I was itching for more time with him.
When I was nearing the end of my workday, I texted Smiles to ask him if he wanted to grab dinner. After some time passed, he responded apologizing, “Ah shoot! Just seeing this now. I ordered pizza and I’m starring at the mess I have to clean up here.” I was a little disappointed, but I wasn’t giving up that easily.
“Mind a little company for an hour or so? Not going to be around this week really…” I texted. We had a very big pitch coming up that week, and I knew I would be working late most nights. This was my last stitch effort to see him for a while. He replied, “Come eat this pizza and hang out. It’s not like the mess is going to get any worse.”
This was my first time venturing to his apartment. I knew the general neighborhood, but not the exact location. After work, I took a cab to his apartment. I was very excited to see him and happy I was finally getting the invite to his place, even if I had to invite myself.
His apartment was not what I expected other than the mess he was describing. He was in the process of moving and office worth of things into a storage unit. I didn’t care about any of that. I just wanted to cuddle up next to him in bed.
He offered me pizza, but I explained I already ate. He suggested we watch a movie, and I agreed. We went into his bedroom and chatted while he picked a movie. I told him about my grandfather, and he lent me his sympathetic ear. We’d already talked about how he was ready to go when we discussed religion at his birthday lunch, so he was already quite versed in the situation.
In the meantime, he selected All Good Things while I snuggled up next to him. I have a thing with constantly petting guys I date. I don’t know why, but I just crave the physical connection. I was constantly stroking him gently with my finger tips throughout the movie, switching my hand positions periodically. It was all I could do to refrain from jumping his bones. It wasn’t the most romantic movie of the year, but I’d already seen it and had sex on the brain. It’d been a while since we last had sex, and I wanted more.
Sadly, that wouldn’t happen once again. When the movie ended, it was 11:00pm. He gently hinted at my departure, even going to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Yet another sexless night. I was really beginning to wonder why he didn’t want to have sex with me. I wondered if it was my issues coming between us or if he wasn’t attracted to me. He never gave me any compliments about my body even thought I made a point of complimenting his. Maybe he just didn’t find me attractive.
Regardless, I gave him a kiss goodnight and walked all the way back to the PATH station to head back to Hoboken. The whole walk, thoughts flew through my head like lightning. I was hurt and worried. Hard to admit, but I almost wanted to cry.
That wouldn’t be the worst part of my night however. In the middle of the night I was woken by violent stomach cramps. I ran to the bathroom and destroyed my toilet. At times, I had to debate which end was more priority to face the toilet. I got almost no sleep and had a full day of work ahead of me. There was no way I could take a sick day.
In the morning I was greeted with a text from Smiles: “Maybe a stomach flu? Up all night with cramps and still hurting 😦 .” I finally nailed the source. I caught some bug from him. “I shared your pain! Still sharing… Was trying to figure out what I could have eaten yesterday… And I have to work all day today… 😦 ,” I responded. To which he replied, “This is the worst!”
Karma was coming back at me something fierce. I don’t know who I p*ssed off royally to deserve such a bad weekend, but the only thing keeping me going was it couldn’t get any worse than it already was.Follow @onegayatatime
My weekend with Smiles was a decent one. I’m not self-destructive, nor do I get in my own way enough to think it was a failure or a bad weekend. Any time I spendt with him was progress, and it made me happy. But, I left the weekend feeling a little uneasy. I was denied twice in two days. Did he not find me attractive? Was he just thinking of me as a friend? Not knowing where I stood was eating away at me.
It’s obvious he was interested in me. But, it was his level of interest that worried me. We were in the beginnings of a budding relationship, or so I hoped. Things were supposed to be carefree and fun. The heavy stuff comes later. We should have been having sex like rabbits and dying to see each other.
I felt like I was constantly chasing after him. I got no indication he was interested in chasing me. But, maybe I wasn’t giving him the opportunity. Maybe I got so excited about him, I was constantly initiating our time together, and if given the chance, he would be asking me out on dates.
On Monday evening I texted him to see if I could spice things up with a little getaway. “Hey. What would you say to getting out of the city for a weekend?… Celebrate your birthday, just the 2 of us… Something totally low-key and relaxing like New Paltz, NY. Gorgeous this time of year too and not that far…” I thought if we hit up a bed and breakfast, we could find the time to get wrapped up in each other with no other distractions.
A big part of me thought this was a giant leap forward, and I was moving too soon, but another part of me noticed a little bit of stagnation. Things were getting a little stale. Maybe I needed to intervene to get us to that happy-go-lucky mindset.
Just as I expected, he safely replied, “Hmmm that sounds like fun, can I think on that one for a min? I’d want to be able to give you my full attention and I think with [work] this weekend, the [possibility of a new prospective work project] starting and the over two jobs with a bit of clock on them, I might not be totally present. Which wouldn’t be fair.”
I was right. Too soon, too fast. I didn’t want to cower and backtrack. I had to play it cool. “Certainly. Wasn’t exactly talking about this weekend. Was more thinking 3+ weekend out. Just wanted to throw it out on your radar,” I replied. I wasn’t lying. I was really just planning in advance.
He got my drift. I soon got a text back: “Ah. Ok. Sleep well. I’m crashing early tonight for a change.”
I decided to take some advice from friends and play a little hard to get. I stopped texting or calling. The next point of contact was going to be initiated by him. It killed me. I wanted to text so bad. I never went anywhere without my phone, waiting for him to text or call.
Tuesday went by without a word. I was in a bad place. I started having doubts about the whole thing. We were only a couple of weeks in, and he already grew tired of me. These weren’t good signs, and I started to really get down about it.
I decided, I wasn’t going to put myself back out there completely, but I was going to continue to put my ear to the ground to see what was going on out there. I started answering my messaged on OKCupid and chatting with a few guys. It was nothing crossing the line, but in a way, I was laying some groundwork if Smiles decided he was done with me.
Finally, on Wednesday, he texted me to ask me how my day was going. The exchange went back and forth a bit before simmering out. I was thrilled — Back on top. I recognized how happy I was, but I also recognized how dependent I am on others for my own happiness. This is an issue. I really need to learn to be more independent. It’s not healthy to need other people to that extent.
In our exchange, he invited me to come with him to a bar to watch a friend’s band the following night. I reminded him I had volleyball on Thursdays and couldn’t go. I really wanted to go, but another part of me was happy I had to turn him down. I have a tendency to drop everything for men I’m interested in. I needed to show I was independent as well.
Thursday went by, and we didn’t talk to each other during the day. On my way to volleyball, I texted him: “Thinkin’ bout you 🙂 .” He responded, “Good luck at your game!” It was nice he remembered I had a game. He was showing a vested interest in my life, which is always a good sign.
After volleyball, we texted a bit. He told me about how he didn’t get the project he was counting on for work. I knew it meant a lot to him, so I tried to console him as best I could. I knew he would be depressed for a few days as a result because he was really looking forward to it. I called him, and we spoke on the phone. I also took the opportunity to ask if I would get to see him Friday night.
Since he asked me to watch the band with him, I was satisfied he wanted to spend time with me, and I knew it wasn’t simply me chasing him down.
He had plans to go to a friend’s birthday party Friday night and talked about us going together as if we planned this long ago, and it was assumed I would be attending with him.
It appeared things were back on the upswing, at least emotionally for me. The question remained. Would we continue moving up, or was it only a matter of time before things started sinking again?…Follow @onegayatatime
I had been scheming for weeks, ever since I found out Smiles was screening his movie in the Hamptons in conjunction with the annual film festival. I finally had my answer – He wanted me there.
I had a wedding on Long Island the following day, so it was convenient for me to head out there early to catch his film. I hadn’t seen it yet, so I was very curious.
Since I already booked a hotel for the wedding, I wasn’t exactly thrilled about dropping more money on another hotel room (if I could even get one with the festival). Then I had a brilliant idea. My great-aunt has a house out in the Hamptons. I emailed my cousin and asked her if she thought I could use her mother’s house for a night. I wasn’t looking to make a whole weekend of it. We literally just needed beds to sleep in and showers in to use in the morning. Luckily, my great-aunt obliged. I asked Smiles if he’d like to stay with us, but I didn’t get a straight answer. He was trying to find something closer to the screening.
My roommate was my date for the wedding (sad, I know, but this is the life you lead when you’re gay and single). I ran my plan by her, and she was down for it all. I left work early Friday, went to Hoboken to picked up her car and our bags, drove back into the city, and pick her up when she finished work. After that, we headed up to Mount Vernon to hit up my great-aunt’s house to get the keys.
Of course, this took forever! We got turned around twice and had to deal with Friday evening city traffic. I was starting to fear missing the beginning of the screening. When we finally arrived at the house to get the keys, I couldn’t just grab the keys and run. I hadn’t seen my great aunt since the funeral of my grandmother, and it had been years before that since we last saw each other. I knew I would have to sit and chat a bit. She was thrilled someone was getting use of the house and gave me long instructions on everything. Luckily, she is still sharp as a tack and after a short chat, she suggested we get on the road quickly so we didn’t have to sit in too much traffic.
We made our way across almost the entire length of Long Island before finally arriving at the bowling alley the film was screened at. We didn’t even stop to grab dinner, so I was praying this place had some decent food.
We walked inside and were greeted by Smiles. He and his crew were getting set for a round of bowling. My roommate and I took over the lane next to them to bowl a game or two before the film. Apparently, we made excellent time and even had some to spare (Get it? Bowling… Spare…).
Smiles looked very smart and was being decently affectionate. I wasn’t sure how the night was going to play out. I had a feeling it may be slightly awkward, but I wanted to be supportive. I talked to him before heading out there to see what the situation would be. I asked, “Will you be working the whole time, or is it more relaxed than that.” He explained he would get to spend time with me, and it would be worth it for me to come since I was already heading out in that direction.
While we were bowling, the alley owner’s teenage boy was hanging out with Smiles and his crew. He’d been with them all day hanging flyers around town. At one point, he made a comment to Smiles about his wife coming to the screening. Smiles told him he wasn’t married, and the kid immediately questioned himself and said, “Or girlfriend?” When Smiles shook his head, the kid replied, “Oh, or boyfriend or whatever.” Smiles simply replied, “Well… Him,” and pointed at me. I didn’t notice this happening, but Smiles made it a point to come over and recount the story for me.
The time came for the crew to start getting set up for the movie. My roommate and I finished our game and hit up the bar to grab some drinks and grub. From across the room, I watched Smiles greet some of his friends and chat with them a bit. When he finished, he came over to check on me and grab a beverage. He mentioned his friends and their names. When he said one name in particular, my ears perked up. It was his ex. I was very curious how that would play out since I know they are still close, but rarely get to see each other. He told us to grab seats since the movie would be starting soon, so we made our way over to the chairs and grabbed a spot.
When he sat down, he sat with his other friends. I wasn’t jealous. I knew he didn’t get to see them much, so I would take a backseat on this one (however, a small part of me was very disappointed after driving over four hours to see this). I watched the movie intently, but I have to say, I did glance at Smiles and his ex in front of me to see the body language happening. Again, we weren’t in a relationship yet. We weren’t even dating yet. We were just seeing each other, or at least in my mind that’s how it was defined.
Part of the way into the film, I was shocked to see Smiles on the screen. I knew he was a producer of the film, but I had no idea he was acting in it as well. I was very proud of him and the great job he did. The film was great and surpassed my expectations — Totally an indie film I’d rent at Blockbuster, not some NYU student project.
After the film, my roommate and I made our way back to a spot at the bar to grab another drink. After chatting with his friends some more, he came over to me, apologized to my roommate and asked for permission to steal me away to introduce me to them. I’m sure my face lit up like a Christmas tree. He was acknowledging me to his friends. FINALLY! It was the validation I was looking for after the birthday party.
However, when one of the friends asked how we met, Smiles turned to me. My head immediately went to Grindr and how I didn’t want to say that. I could have said we met through a mutual friend, but I said, “I’m going to default to you on this one,” and turned to Smiles. He paused a minute and replied, “We’ve gone out to dinner a few times back in the city.” It was interesting to see him struggle with the answer as much as I had. After a short while, the friends had to be on their way. A band was beginning to play, so I called my roommate over and stood by her with Smiles and some of his crew. Later in the night, I learned the man I thought was his ex simply share the same name as his true ex. I felt a little more relaxed for some reason.
Periodically we showed signs of affection towards each other, such as a subtle hand hold or a glance. It was nice. It was still nerve-wracking because I didn’t know what he was comfortable with yet. We weren’t defined, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t overwhelm. That happened in the past, and I didn’t want it to happen again.
Smiles directed me to speak with the director of the film. She and her friend wanted to know if they could crash at the house for the night as well. This was the first conformation I received of Smiles coming as well. Until then, he hadn’t given me a definitive answer. I explained to the two girls, I hadn’t been to the house before and wasn’t sure of the bed situation. However, they were more than welcome to join the adventure. When the band finished, we made our way to my great aunt’s house.
The drive was nice and cut through some cute towns. When we arrived, Smiles said, “Do the Bouviers live here?” in a reference to Grey Gardens. The exterior of the house didn’t look to be in great shape. I was a little worried. When we got inside, I was pleasantly surprised to find the house in more than decent shape. It was very large and slept about sixteen comfortably. All the girls got their own rooms if they so chose. Smiles and I would be taking the master downstairs of course.
We immediately settled in. We talked a bit, and I came to find out he wouldn’t be able to grab brunch with us in the morning. He had to get the rental car back to the city by noon. I was very disappointed. Everything I planned so far had worked out perfectly. The screening. The house. My plan to make it a quick little getaway with him was failing. After brushing our teeth, we climbed into bed and cuddled a bit until we dozed off.
When we woke around 9am, I tried to get a little frisky. I reached my hand down and gently began to try to excite him until I was gently pushed away and told he was exhausted. I admitted defeat and disappointingly went back to just laying next to him. Me ego was a little bruised.
Shortly following, we both got out of bed, and he got dressed and packed up to go. I said goodbye to the bunch and tried to find something to entertain myself until my roommate woke up…Follow @onegayatatime