To Kiss or Be Kissed

Goodbye 2011 and all the hardship that came with it. 2011 was a tough year, and I was ready to kiss it bon voyage.

New Year’s Eve had arrived, and so did Boston. He came to New York City to celebrate with some friends. They were staying at a hotel in Hell’s Kitchen and going to a bar to ring in the new year. We’d been in close contact about meeting up while he was visiting for some time.

We made plans to meet that night before I met Smiles for dinner, however these plans would be broken. As the night’s close grew nearer, Boston realized he wouldn’t have time, so we agreed to try to meet on New Year’s Day.

Instead, I killed time spying on my neighbors across the street with my roommate before venturing into the city for the night. It appeared we’d discovered two ‘mos living over there after some close examination. However, their blinds have been drawn now for quite some time, hindering further “study.”

Smiles and I had been texting about our plan for the evening. We were going to grab dinner somewhere along the way to the party on the Lower East Side, but when he tried to make a reservation for the restaurant downstairs, he realized the difficulty that may pose. Instead he proposed to make beef stroganoff for the two of us at his apartment. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea because I was looking forward to a romantic dinner for two, but it would have to suffice. (Now you can begin to see why I hate New Years).

After we finished eating, we took a cab to the apartment. Smiles spent a good portion of it on the phone with his mother. I’d already made all my new year’s calls on the walk to Smiles’ apartment from the PATH. I didn’t want to be on my phone the rest of the night trying to call people so I got it out of the way before starting our night together. I thought what he was doing was rude. When he hung up, you could cut the tension in the cab with a knife. Neither of us had anything to talk about. The night was not off to a good start.

We arrived at the party and were greeted by a very nice gentleman who was not the host. He was one of the guys Smiles had gone to Six Flags months earlier (whom he didn’t remember without a reminder). A trip I wasn’t invited on and still bitter about. When the host emerged from the shower, Smiles volunteered to run to the corner store to get necessary supplies. Apparently he wasn’t the best of hosts (or so said Smiles). He asked if I wanted to join him or stay and made sure I was okay with staying.

I took the opportunity to get to know the guy who greeted us while I waited for Smiles to return and more guests to arrive. More people joined us in waves, and it was a pleasure to meet them all. I sat on the couch talking to one in particular for some time. He seemed like a really great guy. Later in the night, I would learn from Smiles that this guy told him how great I was after learning we were together. “He had nothing but glowing praises for you,” Smiles divulged.

A majority of the night, Smiles wasn’t paying attention to me. He was far more concerned with standing in as host. He made sure everyone had a full drink at all times, including me. I had to tell him to cool it because I was getting too drunk too fast. I don’t think he realized I was also filling my own drinks besides what he brought me. I was making plenty of conversation with a lot of the other guys at the party in the meantime. Ironically enough, we were talking about dating. I was giving some of the younger guys my “fatherly advice” from my experiences, which is absurd considering I’m out less than two years. I did all this without mentioning my blog once, no matter how much I wanted to direct them to it. Smiles was still unaware I was writing OneGayAtATime.

When the ball was about to drop, the whole crowd gathered around the TV in the host’s bedroom. Smiles asked if I wanted to pile in, but I told him my lack of interest in watching the ball drop. We huddled by the door as Smiles snapped pictures of the group from the doorway. When 2012 arrived, he turned to me and laid a nice kiss on me. When he pulled back, he went in a second time. It was one of his better kisses and it was sweet, but I’m not sure it could make up for the lack of attention I received all night. It was like we were at the same party, but we certainly weren’t together.

As I talked to the other guys, I felt like I was revealing a big secret that Smiles and I were dating. No one knew, and it was as if I was letting the cat out of the bag. I felt uncomfortable about that.

The music came up and the furniture was pushed aside. The living room was now a dance floor. Smiles and I have never gone out dancing together, so I was relishing the opportunity to have a little fun with him. I started dancing with him, and he started laughing at me. It wasn’t completely insulting, but it was also a slightly belittling. I think I was making him uncomfortable (and I am not a bad dancer by any means!).

When I went to refill my drink, Smiles was in the middle of the group dancing up a storm just as I’d seen him bust a move in Central Park. I was hurt. He didn’t want to dance with me, but he did want to dance with everyone else. When I looked down, my cup had only ice in it. So I made the conscious decision to drink away my sorrows. Johnny Walker Black and I huddled in the kitchen and had a good time together.

When someone asked if I wanted to go smoke on the balcony, I jumped at the opportunity. When I got out there, there was a small group including the guy who told Smiles how great I was.

This is where the night gets foggy. There was a guy who was late to the party who was fawning all over me from that point on. He told me I was gorgeous and paid me more compliments than I can remember. I vaguely remember pointing out to him that I was dating Smiles, but that didn’t stop him. He kept laying it on thick.

From that night, the next thing I remember was walking home behind him p*ssed because I was chasing after him. We weren’t walking together. I was walking about ten paces behind him.

Smiles woke me in the morning. I was naked, so I knew we had sex, and I had an uncomfortable moist feeling between my cheeks, so I knew I was the bottom. I thought back and could remember flashes of sex from the night before, but I couldn’t remember anything about leaving the party.

After I searched for my underwear and my dignity, neither of which I could find without assistance, I picked up my phone to check messages. Apparently in my drunken stupor, I wiped out my phone trying to get into it too many times with a failed password. It was back to factory settings.

I told Smiles, and he recounted the walk home. It involved me arguing profusely that we were headed in the wrong direction (Isn’t that ironic). It involved me tapping a French woman on the shoulder and welcoming her to the country. And it involved Smiles being annoyed by my antics.

“And I haven’t even gotten to the fun part yet!” he added.

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  1. #1 by Richard on February 7, 2012 - 1:23 PM

    Now I am paranoid that my husband and I are the two mo’s across the street.

    Parties like this are hard for anew couples, so I would say you shouldn’t worry too much about stuff like this. However, it is a learning curve. After 6 years with my now husband, I can tell you that sometimes parties are hard both as guests and hosts. As hosts, we have a blast, but we also barely see one another. Usually we talk about it in the morning, or as we clean up. It’s fun to hear about conversations that happened inches a part, but were completely different.

    As guests, it can greatly depend on whether you know/knew the guests/host(s) as a couple or not. Smiles seems to have previous dealings, and you are a new couple, so the experience is going to be a little strange. I’m not certain how many people knew Smiles, that you had to explain to them you were a couple. If they were deep friends, then that might be strange, but they don’t sound like that. I think it took a few months for most people to think of my partner and I as a couple.

    One thing that I see in this post, is that you had different expectations of what the evening would be like. Have/had you explained to him what these expectations are? No one reads minds. If you suffer in silence with a smile, people don’t know to change their behavior.

    That being said, I don’t think this was a very fair situation to be in. You were trying to make a good first impression, so you couldn’t exactly be wild and crazy, and jump onto the dance floor in full force without some sort of invitation. That being said, when you were not having a good time, maybe you could have made that more pronounced without being bitchy. For example, if Smiles was playing co-host, you should have volunteered to help, and if he said it wasn’t necessary. You could say “well, it will either help me get to know people, or it will make you be able to hang out more.” Obviously not that exact phrase, but the idea of it.

    Since you’ve yet to reach the “good part” then I guess I can’t comment on more, without knowing the full story.

    • #2 by One Gay at a Time on February 7, 2012 - 1:47 PM

      Have you had your blinds closed for weeks now? Maybe it is you… Haha

      You make a lot of good points. I didn’t see a lot of it that way. Thanks for helping me see another perspective.

      And yes, you’re right. I was taking a back seat that night. I should have spoken up, but like I said, it was a litmus test. I wanted to see how he’d treat me without my nudging or influence.

      • #3 by Richard on February 7, 2012 - 3:28 PM

        well I always have my blinds down. I live on the 3rd floor. But there is a guy on the 2nd floor, who walks around naked a lot.

  2. #4 by VpO on February 7, 2012 - 1:41 PM

    “tap’d her on the shoulder and welcomed her to our country” haha something I would do! Can’t wait to read the next “episode”. You realize your blog is kinda like a gay soap opera. It’s great and you’re an excellent story teller.

    • #5 by One Gay at a Time on February 7, 2012 - 1:44 PM

      Yea… I’m a goofy/friendly drunk…

      Never thought of it that way, but yea… I see the resemblance…

  3. #6 by kinmanhattan on February 7, 2012 - 5:41 PM

    I’m really confused about the whole Smiles ordeal again. Inviting you to a New Years eve party with his best friends indicates that he trusts you. He still seems to have been discovering himself and putting himself together, so I can understand why he couldn’t commit to a relationship with you, but he seems to have understood that there was something he couldn’t deny at this point. And he trusts you enough to keep you in his life and confide stuff about his career with you and he must’ve understood this to be a relationship, good or bad. I would say there was disrespect on his part (which may be the case); but a lack of communication seems to have been the root of it all. Smiles being too unwilling to accept the relationship and tell you how you feel and you the same. Maybe if he’d known, he wouldn’t have made phone calls in the car with you (although this is usually common courtesy).

    The fact that Smiles didn’t leave you when everyone watched the ball drop says a lot, I think. I’m sort of envious of Smiles and I don’t want to admit it, but it seems like he was possibly trying and not a bad guy at all. There was just no clear communication on both sides (and maybe chemistry’s an issue too?). What a cliffhanger!

  4. #8 by The Shit Collector on February 7, 2012 - 6:33 PM

    “And it involved Smiles being annoyed by my antics.” He must not have been that annoyed since you had sex afterward. I agree with the poster who said that you should have been more expressive and explicit about your expectation for the night.

  1. The Fog Lifts « One Gay at a Time
  2. Breakfast 2.0 « One Gay at a Time
  3. Closure « One Gay at a Time
  4. Boston Therapy « One Gay at a Time
  5. Finding the Piece of My Heart I Left in San Francisco « One Gay at a Time
  6. Welcome Back? « One Gay at a Time

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