Posts Tagged closeted gay

Turning Over a New Leaf

With the passing of Labor Day, summer officially ended in my book. I was sad to see it go. Like always, it flew by in no time. Its passing wasn’t all sadness, however. My favorite season was right around the corner. The changing of the leaves, the crisp air, the smell of fireplaces… all things I loved about the fall.

Just as the seasons were transforming, so too was I. Since I broke up with N, I went off the deep end. Part of this is because I never had my wild time. While everyone else was hooking up and experimenting in high school and college, I was being a good boy. I sat there and watched everyone else experience relationships and casual sex. I was asexual. Sure, I had my fair share of hookups with women, but nothing worth writing home about.

When I finally accepted myself and came to terms with my homosexuality, I found myself in a relationship right off the bat. I never had a chance to meet new guys and discover new things. Following my breakup with Broadway, I had a short window of wild time, but it was mainly filled with dates that ended with me going home alone. Then came San Francisco, shortly followed by N. This summer was the first time I was single and gay. Did I live it up? Yes. Am I proud of everything I did? Hell no, but I also have no regrets. Everything was an experience, whether it was something I learned from or something that made me a better person.

I began to look back and examine my summer. I wasn’t being true to who I am — True to myself. I don’t have casual sex. I’m a monogamist. I crave a meaningful relationship with a special guy who appreciates me, body and soul. If I kept sleeping around, I was never going to find this. I need to make a change. I thought I would be able to ease into it when I returned from Martha’s Vineyard, but I was wrong. I needed to be more drastic. I was going to be a good boy, even if it meant the palm of my hand would be raw.

I had two friends with benefits. I needed to cut them off completely. Closet was still messaging me since we last hooked up. “Hey man, haven’t talked to you on a while. Hope all is well. Don’t want to sound insecure or anything(too late), and I know you said its not a bother to text/email you, but just FYI in case that ever changes just let me know you’re lookin for something different or you’re seeing someone else. Lol feel free to lie to me, just would rather know if you’d rather me step back… I don’t want to become one of those creepers that I keep hearing about haha. Anyway hope to see you sometime, even to meet out for a drink or something.  Later man.”

I originally found both my friends with benefits on adam4adam.com, so I sent them both messages on there. I lied and told them I was seeing someone, and I wouldn’t be able to see either of them anymore: “Hey dude. Sorry I haven’t hit you up. Everything is fine. I have started seeing someone, and I decided I need to stop with hookups outside a relationship regardless of that person. I think you’re a great guy, and I had a great time with you! Don’t doubt that. I just need to find a serious relationship right now, so I’m concentrating on that. I hope you understand!!!”

While the muscular weekend hookup simply replied, “No worries,”

Closet had a few more things to say: “Hey bro, its cool. No hard feelings.  I mean can’t say I’m not disappointed, cause putting the physical aside, you really seem like a great guy, and I’m glad we met.  Honestly, I felt weird saying it to you before, but now what the hell hehe…you’re the first guy I was with that made me think I wanna come out(not to mention my first for a few other things, lol).  Obviously not saying I was in love after a few hookups lol, but I felt something more than just empty sex. I’m considering it after the holidays this year (you know, one last Christmas where the family likes me, hehe), but I’ll revisit that one later. Anyways, you’re a great catch, and I hope you find a great guy – and my offer remains open if you wanna grab a beer, just as a friend, hit me up. Thanks again dude, and I hope our paths cross again sometime. P.s. Two more things… 1. Thanks for being so patient with me in bed and all that, even though I still need to loosen up a little (pun intended), you really made me feel comfortable. 2. If you ever run into me while out at bars or whatever, cuz I’ve been in Hoboken quite a bit lately, feel free to say hi.  I’m trying to gradually cut back on the paranoia part of all this.”

I felt pretty bad about the situation with Closet. It was obvious he was starting to fall for me, but I had no interest in pursuing anything with him. I knew I was right to cut it off when I did.

Outside of my regulars, I gave up Grindr cold turkey. I knew it would be too tempting to fall into something if they were hot and looking to hookup.

I joined OKCupid, was checking ManHunt and adam4adam.com regularly to see if there were any guys reaching out to me I’d be interested in meeting. It wasn’t easy finding a man up ’til now. I couldn’t expect it to get any easier just because I stopped hooking up with random men. None of the men I went on dates with previously showed any interest in seeing me again. Pillow and The Trainer kept giving me the runaround, so I had to learn when to simply give up and move on.

I started to wonder what was wrong with me. What was I doing wrong? Without the sex and without the happy feeling I get when I have a prospective guy I’m seeing, I started getting cranky. This was going to be a learning experience for me. I needed to not only find a man, but also to find myself. In the meantime, everyone around me would to have to watch out. I was not a happy camper…


			

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Party Like a Rockstar

After my post car-ride romp with Closet, I set off for the city to meet up with the tattooed, long-haired hunk I’d been chatting with for months. He sent me some of the sexiest pictures I’d ever seen. He was nothing like any type of guy I’d ever dated, but there was something about him that really drew me in. Every time I showed my friends/roommates his picture, they exclaimed their disapproval and pointed out how difficult it was for them to picture us fitting together.

However, I don’t always listen to my friends. He was both sexy and stimulating on a conversational level. I am an equal-opportunity dater. I will meet with almost anyone to see if chemistry exists. Everyone deserves a chance.

I texted him as I walked to the PATH to find out what the plan was and where we were headed. Earlier in the day, he asked what I had in mind. I knew he didn’t drink, so I suggested grabbing coffee or a bite or taking a walk. He responded to my texts explaining a friend was feeling a little down and wanted to hit up a movie. Would I be interested in something like that? I wondered what was up here. Did he feel a chaperone was necessary? Was he not that interested after all? You can’t exactly chat much in a movie. It’s perfect for a third or fourth date. You just sit and hold hands/stroke each other’s arms and enjoy just being with each other, but as far as a first date goes, it’s not the best option.

I agreed and asked him to tell me where to meet him. He gave me the cross streets that are near his apartment. I hopped on the PATH, got off at Christopher Street and got in a cab to cut across town to the Lower East Side. I wasn’t particularly thrilled with where he lived. It was a very inconvenient neighborhood for me to reach on a daily basis, but again, I couldn’t let something like that get in the way. And, who knows? Maybe he would just become a booty call.

I arrived at the corner to find him in an old rocker tee with the sleeves cut off, safety pins joining a big tear in the material, ripped jeans and boots. He was in great shape as well, with his biceps exposed. He was nothing like the guys I’d ever gone on dates before, but I was entranced. He looked great. I examined his tattoos as we walked.

In the biggest twist of irony, we skipped the idea of hitting the movies. There was no mention of it at all. Instead, he turned to me a proposed, “Wanna go grab a cupcake?” It was precious to hear those words coming out of this tough, hard rocker guy. It was a big part of what drew me to him. Rough exterior with a soft cream filling. I graciously obliged, and we made our way to the coffee shop. He ordered a tea and a red velvet cake while I grabbed a slice or tiramisu and a SmartWater. We sat  on the two seats sitting on the sidewalk outside the shop and began chatting.

I learned about his job and his hobbies. He is a songwriter in his spare time, and a few years ago, he was part of a rock band. He took the time to show me some of the videos he cut together with their music as well. I was duly impressed. He shot almost all the footage himself and edited the videos together to the soundtrack he wrote and his band (or him solo) performed. I actually liked many of the tracks and appreciated his talent. I think he was impressed a piece of white bread like myself would be interested in music of that genre. I genuinely liked it and would have put some of them on my iPod. I told him he’d have to send me some of them when he got home later.

We chatted about what I do for work, and it segued into some of this other projects as well. He did screen prints and tee shirts as well. I liked this guy’s entrepreneurial spirit on top of his day job (not including for anonymity’s sake). When they were ready to close up shop, we made our way down the street. He was looking to buy cigarettes, so we walked to a few shops to find his brand.

In the meantime, we saw two brightly lit flying objects hover over a highrise building and then disappear. I am in no way saying this was an alien, but it certainly was a UFO. He pulled out his iPhone and captured some quick video of the incident and immediately posted it to Facebook. We were both baffled as to what they could be, as well as where they disappeared to.

As we continued to walk, we somehow got onto the topic of his celebrity. He happened to be a contestant on a reality competition show on Bravo. I was now beyond impressed by his talents. He detailed some of his creativity through the challenges and told me how far along he made it. I don’t know why he didn’t bring this topic of conversation up earlier. Some of the previous conversation was dry, and this would have breathed new life into the conversation. I was more interested in the idea of the competition than I was with the fact he was on TV.

After sharing a cigarette and looking at some of his artwork on his iPhone, the time came to say goodbye. I was a little disappointed I got no action. It was obvious he wasn’t that interested in me, but I was still attracted to him. He gave me a hug, and I flagged down a cab.

Since the date, we’ve become Facebook friends and have chatted a few times, but I don’t see a second date in our future. However, that doesn’t mean a friendship won’t blossom where a relationship would fail…

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Booty Call

On Labor Day, we began our journey home early in the morning. It was a fun week in Martha’s Vineyard. It wasn’t quite the same as other years. Outside my dalliances, the week seemed very tame. I wondered if it was because some of the group are now paired up, or if it was because we are getting older. Either way it was a great way to end the summer, even if I’m not exactly proud of how I behaved this summer.

I spent the five and a half hour ride in the back of the car. While I was on the island I found a guy on Grindr who lives on the mainland. I tried my hardest to get him to come visit for dinner/drinks/more, but no bites. I talked to him the entire ride home, but that’s another post for another day.

I knew I’d arrive home mid-afternoon. I didn’t want to waste the day unpacking and lounging in front of the TV, so I tried to lay some groundwork for an evening date with some of the candidates still on the roster. When none of them replied, I was quite disappointed — And, horny. After chatting and exchanging pictures with my Massachusetts mainlander and other random Grindr men I encountered on the road home, I was in the mood for some action. I didn’t want to pull in another random from Grindr or adam4adam.com. I was trying to curb sex with strangers. I did however have two friends with benefits still in my back pocket. They were itching to hop in the sack with me as much, if not more than I was with them. They both messaged me numerous times while I was in Martha’s Vineyard to inquire about my return home.

I called up Closet Guy and told him to come over. He jumped at the opportunity, but needed to run home and shower before he could come over. And, just my luck, one of the guys on my roster took that moment to respond about meeting up that evening. He had been on the roster for MONTHS. He was one of the first guys I talked to, and we had been trying to meet up ever since. I wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to finally meet up, but I also had to deal with Closet. So I did what any horny, selfish guy would do — I scheduled both back-to-back. I told Closet to hurry because I needed to go into the city to meet up with a coworker to discuss everything I missed over the week before heading back the next morning. It was perfect. He would come over, have sex and leave without any of the post sex chatter.

(Warning: The following may be too graphic for some)  When he arrived, I brought him straight to my bedroom. He stripped, and I threw him down on the bed. We made out like we hadn’t seen each other in months. Hands all over each other. It wasn’t long before he was begging for me to be inside him. He hopped on top of me and went to town. It was just what I needed after a long car ride. Shortly after, I rolled him over and we tried a few other positions, ending with him on his back. That’s when things got slightly messy. It’s always unfortunate when that happens, but it happens. It’s the nature of the beast. It’s quite a mood killer, but I always try to be dignified about it. I’m sure it was a learning experience for him, as I was the only one to penetrate him. I asked him if he wanted to move things to the shower and conveniently laid the hand towel I had at my bedside over the spot on my comforter as to not draw attention and embarrass him further.

Once in the shower, we lathered up and continued the fun until we were both fully satisfied. It actually worked out quite well because I love shower sex, and I needed to shower before heading into the city to meet the long-haired hunk I texted earlier. It was both fun and a time saver.

We toweled off and got dressed. I kissed him goodbye at the door and continued to get ready for my date. I thought things would change when I arrived home from vacation. I thought I would get back to my old self where I could only have sex with someone I truly had feelings for, but I was wrong…

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Is This A Porn Shoot?

After meeting the ginger, I was talking to a very attractive resident of Martha’s Vineyard who is originally from Russia. He is very attractive and very sexual. I attempted to invite him to meet us at the beach or come out with us to the bar for two straight nights, but he declined every time.

Instead, while out to dinner one night before hitting the bar scene, I came across a guy on Grindr who happened to be at the same restaurant. He seemed nice enough. When we finished our meal, I walked up to the bar to meet him and introduce myself. My friends weren’t far behind. It took all of three seconds to realize I would not be interested in this man from New York City.

As soon as he opened his mouth, it was quite evident he was a big ol’ mo. He is a 6’4″ ball of flaming queen. I couldn’t get out of there soon enough. Of course, I was too polite to simply walk away, and we exchanged numbers. And, just my luck, he was heading to the same bar my friends and I were going to. I did my best to hustle my group along except one of my friends stepped in to “help me out.” She didn’t quite realize how uninterested I was in this guy.

Our group split, and half of us went to the bar — The other half went home to bed. The Grindr guy and his straight friends followed shortly behind us. All the straight guys began hitting on the girls with me. I put a pylon between the Grindr guy and I so I wouldn’t have to engage him on conversation further. He started to chat with one of my female friends while I stood in the background and made myself as unattractive as possible. My friends and I were trying to see who could look more pregnant. Classy, I know. When we all finished our one beer, we moved on, but not before Grindr Guy grabbed me and tried to plan a beach trip for the following day. He was going to text me where they were, and we were expected to join them. That never happened.

So, just when I didn’t think I could dive any deeper into casual sex, I come to surprise even myself. The following morning, I was chatting with a good looking guy from Boston who was very discreet and had a girlfriend. He was looking for some action. I was only half interested. I was still trying to make things happen with the Russian. We were heavily flirting and exchanging pictures. He asked if I found any other hot guys on the island. I replied, “I’ve yet to see any serious talent since I’ve arrived.” I wasn’t about to share the Russian with him. That’s all I needed was for him to scoop him out from under me. He was very interested in me, but explained he was already making plans with another guy to have some fun in the woods.

At that point, he proposed the three of us get together. I didn’t know how to react. He already established he was not interested in sex but was looking just to fool around — “circle jerk” as he put it. I cautiously agreed to participate but needed more specifics before I would feel completely comfortable. At that moment, the Russian started responding.

I tried to see if he was interested in meeting up that morning instead of the party in the woods. I would go for a run to his place and spend some time there before anyone was even out of bed. That’s when I found out he was going to be the third party in the circle jerk. It’s also when the guy with the girlfriend started scolding me for trying to steal the Russian away from him. I explained I had been talking to him for some time. He of course called me on my earlier comment about the island’s lack of talent. It was slightly awkward, but we got passed it.

I learned the other two had already chosen a spot in the woods to meet. It happened to be 3.5 miles from where I was staying. I also learned I had slightly less than a half hour to get there. I threw on shorts, shoes,  popped in my iPod and took off towards the site. I arrived shortly after the other two. The spot they chose was a construction site in the middle of the woods. It looked like a giant sinkhole.

When we all gathered, we tried to find a place to get out of site. I vetoed the original plan of walking into the woods, namely because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my vacation covered in poison ivy rashes. In the center of this hole in the ground were construction vehicles. Although they were the center of attention from all sides of the site, we managed to duck between them and get out of site.

(Just a warning, the following may get graphic) Almost immediately, the other two dropped their shorts to their ankles and began to jerk off. I followed suit. Every began to participate and aid each other in different combinations between the three of us. I was dripping with sweat from my long sprint, which surprisingly was a turn on for the other two. It brought me a little more attention as well. This was the first time I participated in anything with more than one other, so I was slightly intimidated. However, it was easier to relax a bit because I knew it wasn’t going to escalate to penetration. We all had our fun and eventually finished ourselves off in succession. I was on quite a high. Between hooking up in public, doing it with two guys, the run, and climaxing, I was in a different world. I had no idea how I was going to make the run back home. My legs were weak.

We decided it wasn’t a good idea to linger, especially the paranoid guy who had a girlfriend. He split off and the Russian and I casually walked back to the highway. He offered to give me a ride, and I graciously accepted. This would also help cut down on the time I was away. We had casual conversation the whole way back about our inability to connect with just the two of us earlier in the week and the other guy’s situation playing both sides of the fence. He dropped me near the house I was staying at, and we agreed to touch base later about hanging out.

I ran back to the house and hopped right in the shower. While I stood in the shower, I thought back on the morning’s events. It played out like a Sean Cody gay porn. The only thing missing were cameras. Everyone was just waking up and getting ready for the day. It wasn’t even the weekend yet, and I already had my first ginger and my first three-some. Who knew what the rest of the trip would bring. Only time would tell…

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