Posts Tagged breaking up

Fabricated Frustrations

As things were progressing with Smiles, I started to feel guilty about The Principal. I really liked him, but I didn’t want to string him along. I needed to do some damage control.

I legitimately enjoyed talking to him and found him to be a great guy. If he lived closer, I’m sure a relationship would have developed, but living six hours away prevented all that. The time came to protect his feelings. Through our discussions, I knew he was falling for me harder by the minute. I needed to cut things off before we got any deeper, even if that meant hurting him a little now. I needed to find a way to do this without hurting his feelings.

I decided to approach it by telling him the distance thing was getting to me. I was going to blame it on that so he didn’t feel responsible for my wanting to morph the relationship into a simple friendship. This is how the conversation went down:

Me: “So, I told you I would always be honest with you on things, and I’m starting to have my doubts about all this.”

P: “Okay. What’s the mater? Figured you were giving up on me.”

Me: “I just haven’t seen this going anywhere… I can deal with the distance as long as there is progress, and I haven’t seen that. I’m worried if it’s been this tough so far to get things off the ground, it’s only going to get tougher.”

P: “We are not in a relationship. This isn’t preventing you from doing anything. So what’s the harm? Next, what’s been tough lately? What happened over the past 3-4 days?”

Me: “I think you are a great guy, and I like you a lot. But, I’m having doubts this is a good idea if feelings are getting involved. What changed is I had a hard time both remembering to text or call and to find the time to do so. And, I feel bad about that! However, I don’t hear my phone ringing all that often to be honest either.”

P: “And, this came about because? Have I done something recently?”

Me: “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

P: “K. You don’t need to feel bad.”

Me: “I’m just being honest.”

P: “I haven’t called in the past 2 days because I was waiting to see if you’d put in some effort.”

Me: “I mean in general.”

P: “So, you feel I don’t call or contact a lot first?”

Me: “You text me, but you know how I feel about that. I can’t think of this as not a relationship. I’m not capable of that based on how we talk to each other. And by tying myself up in this relationship, I don’t feel I’m opening myself up to something else, and I just don’t know if this is enough for me. Does that make sense?”

P: “It does. Why did you feel bad this weekend? You weren’t thinking of me? It’s okay. Um. You’d date a guy if he came along right?”

Me: “Which goes to say, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you anymore. It’s just the tone and frequency that may change.”

P: “I mean first you have to be interested in someone? Then you can worry about that. No? You should worry about not being able to open up to a guy when you see someone who interests you. What can I do to have you continue to be close? My ‘babe?’ LOL.”

Me: “And, how is this fair to you? I string you along until I find another guy? That’s not right!”

P: “I know the risk I’m taking. You find another guy, I back off and let you be happy.”

Me: “I know. But I don’t play like that. The emotions that build up until I meet someone else.”

P: “Obviously sounds like you just don’t like me that much.”

Me: “I like you plenty. I just don’t like the situation. And, I don’t want to hurt.”

P: “And, then you meet someone. If we meet before then, we could discuss different terms.”

Me: “This isn’t easy, but I’m trying to make the mature decision. I thought it would go down differently than it has. I thought after a month I’d have seen you already.”

P: “I’m shocked by this.”

Me: “I thought we’d be making this work long distance, when really it’s just been ‘how’s your day’ text messages and calls.”

P: “I know you want more in-depth talks.”

Me: “We had a fight about this… I told you I wanted more. I haven’t seen more since then.”

P: “How else is making this work long distance? More talks? I have a feeling that still won’t be enough.”

Me: “Exactly. I thought by now we’d be planning a second visit. We haven’t had a first.”

P: “You haven’t been home at night. Been doing every sport in the world.”

Me: “I’m not pointing fingers in blame! By any means. I take responsibility as well. I lead a very active lifestyle.”

P: “Yup.”

Me: “I just need more if I’m in a relationship, and if I’m not getting that, it’s more of a friendship. Just redefining us. Not eliminating us.”

P: “Well. Not hearing ‘babe’ or having that closeness… Seems more like eliminating.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

P: “Just unhappy about this obviously. I can try to have more intimate talks and move us forward.”

Me: “I think we need to discuss this more, but I have a busy afternoon until this evening…”

P: “I like you. I feel emotionally connected to you. Of course you do. “

Me: “Can I call you later? And that snide comment is exactly why I feel this conversation needs to happen.”

P: “Yet, I get the blame for no contact. I might be with friends later.”

Me: “I’m not going to fight with you about this, so please drop the combative attitude.”

P: “I’d stop anything for a guy who will do the same for me. Babe. You made up your mind right?”

Me: “No. I want to talk to you about this, but I have work to do.”

P: “So you want to talk more to tell me how you want less contact and just a friendship?”

Me: “You are impossible. I want to discuss how we can proceed from here. Please be an adult about this.”

P: “I am if you are saying you are open to developing our closeness. Great. If you are going to continue to explain our new status, I get your thoughts. I’m not mad. Have a good afternoon. I get that you want the tone and frequency to change. I’ve missed you and care about you and think you’re an incredible person.”

With that, the texting conversation ended for the afternoon. I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to him like adults, but every time I called, he ignored me. He would go right back to texting me, but would not discuss this over the phone. I don’t like having conversations like this over text. You can’t hear someone’s tone in a text. Later that night we chatted some more:

P: “In bed thinking of you. Very unhappy about this situation.”

Me: “I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sorry. I know I need more in a relationship, but I’m also trying to take your feelings into consideration.”

P:  “You need more, so go find more… I’m very frustrated.”

Me: “What are you frustrated about?”

P:  “That you want to just quit and be friends.”

Me: “I don’t want things to get messy. I don’t want to hurt you. How are you going to feel when I say, ‘I met someone?’ “

P:  “I’m sensing you just lost interest. I’m a big boy. You meet someone and then I’ll get put aside. You don’t like me. Then there’s not much I can do with that.”

Me: “Okay. The truth is, I did meet someone.”

P:  “K. That you should have said. So much for always being honest. So what’s with the I don’t know how to fix this?”

Me: “I thought it would make things easier if I asked you to just be friends, but if that means you think I don’t like you, then I feel the need to come clean… Cause I do like you.”

P:  “Okay. I wish you luck. You’re a great guy.”

Me: “I want to keep you as a friend. That’s why I’m treating treading so delicately. Are you okay?”

P:  “We can be friends, but I need space… I’m fine. Not happy about it, but what can I do?”

Me: “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you! You’re an amazing guy!”

P: “We are going to change our relationship, and that’s not going to happen soon. If you’re ever single and want to explore, definitely contact me. If I’m single, who knows…”

Me: “Okay. I’ll give you space. When you feel comfortable, please reach out to me again!”

I didn’t feel I got the closure I needed with him. I could tell he wasn’t happy and a little heart-broken. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew if I kept up the charade, it would only get worse down the road. I think I did the right thing. I did what needed to be done. Now it was a matter of time and healing before he would reach out to me again.

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Breaking Up Broadway

Just want to start today’s post by reminding everyone it is the International Day Against Homophobia, held on May 17 every year. Keep it in your thoughts today, and every day.

On with the show…

After Florida, it’s pretty clear I was no longer committed to a relationship. I needed to end it. It crushed me to think such thoughts, but my heart was no longer in it.

When I got back, I texted Broadway asking if we could talk. After a short exchange, I wasn’t sure if he could see what was coming. I agonized over how to break the news.

That night, I met him after his show; no overnight bag on my shoulder. We awkwardly hugged and exchanged a peck on the lips. He asked me if I was ok. I said, “Yes,” with a shrug. He asked me what I wanted to talk to him about. This was the moment of truth.

“I feel like we’ve been drifting apart over the past few weeks,” I said.

He responded, “That’s it?”

I said, “No. I just want to hear your thoughts.” After that, I elaborated. I explained my feelings about how he acted during his trip to Barcelona and the previous weeks in general. He silently walked beside me taking it all in. I was so proud of myself for saying how I truly felt. I didn’t sugar coat it.

When I finished, he took his turn. He told me all my points were fair and valid, but I could never be prepared for what came next. He said, “You’re just not a priority in my life right now. I have school and work…”

I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I turned to him and said, “I have to say, that was very hard to hear.” I began to get a little choked up. Until then, I was strong and resolved in breaking up, but that statement tainted out entire relationship together. I wasn’t prepared to hear anything so harsh.

He acknowledged his emotional issues and his inability to call me his boyfriend. He also took the opportunity to unload a lot of issues he’d been holding back for some time. He pointed out my issues with the gay scene. I have never felt comfortable in gay clubs, and he knew this. He went on to tell me how uncomfortable and threatened he felt going to my favorite straight bar in Hobobken.

This was news to me. I defended myself. While not comfortable with the flamboyant gay scene, he never asked me to go. With the right crowd and understanding, I’m sure I could find comfort. I was uncomfortable because it was not familiar to me. He never gave me a chance.

This went back-n-forth. It never turned into a fight. We never fought through the 10 months we were in a relationship. We weren’t about to start now. It was a discussion about our differences. We came to an agreement. Although we were very compatible, we were not meant to be dating.

The conversation turned casual. He showed me pictures on his phone from Barcelona and asked about Florida. The he asked me how drinks with Boston went. After blatantly lying about its innocence, he said, “Well I had to ask. You know how it could look from my perspective.”

I immediately rebuked with, “Well, you have to know how it looks when you buy 2 bottles of lube the day you go away.”

He explained. He bought it for us to use. It was just cheaper than usual. And then added, “But, touché. I could see ho that looks shady.”

After walking around the city talking for an hour, I dropped him at his apt. We kissed and embraced. Finally, I pulled back and said, “Just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean we can’t hang out.”

As I walked to Port Authority, I felt power. Before this night, I don’t know if I would have had the confidence to be a person who set in motion the actions that would end a relationship. I was a new man who was about to fully exercise his new found freedom.

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