The Fog Lifts

New Year’s Day, Smiles woke me in the morning. I was in a complete fog. I immediately began wracking my brain to remember how the night ended. I knew we had sex, and once again, I could only remember a tiny flash of the intimate moment we shared the night before but no more than a flash. I could remember being p*ssed at Smiles on the walk home for walking five paces in front of me. And, I could remember smoking on the balcony.

I had now realized I completely wiped my phone, so anyone who texted the night before would certainly not be receiving a response from me.

Smiles was up and about walking around the apartment. I searched the room for my briefs, but couldn’t locate them. He came in the room and retrieved them for me from deep within the sheets. I had a massive headache, so he gave me some pain killers and water. It was sweet of him to take care of me in my still inebriated/hungover state. I asked Smiles about leaving the party, and he recounted the details for me. It was clear he wasn’t thrilled about it, but he also wasn’t holding it against me. The he uttered, “And I haven’t even gotten to the fun part yet!” he added.

He was going to leave it at that. I told him he couldn’t do that to me. He had to tell me what else I did. He asked if I really wanted to know, and I insisted. This is the “fun” part:

Apparently, the advances made by the guy on the balcony didn’t end there. Clearly he was persistent, and clearly I was vulnerable and well intoxicated. Smiles recounted a scene for me that drained all the blood from my face. “[The guy who sang my praises to Smiles] came up to me and asked me if you were okay. When I told him you were fine, he replied, ‘Are you sure? Because he’s making out with someone else on the couch.” I nearly passed out. I couldn’t believe it. Was I really capable of that? Could I really do that to another person after witnessing N do that to me? Was I that heartless?

I racked my brain trying to remember any bit of a make-out session on the couch. A vague image came to mind of this man kissing all over my neck. I remember asking him to stop, but also couldn’t remember putting up a strong fight. I’m not sure if my mind was making this up or if it was reality. Either way, my actions were deplorable.

I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t believe he was still speaking to me. I couldn’t believe he still had sex with me that night after that. I was mortified. What was going on? My head was spinning!

“What did you do? Did you come over and stop it?” I asked. He shook his head no.

“[Smiles], I don’t know how to apologize for that. I can’t believe I did that! I can’t believe your still speaking to me right now. I can’t believe you didn’t leave me there. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. I don’t remember any of that. At all!” I plead.

“It’s okay. You were drunk. It was New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry about it,” he said.

Don’t worry about it!? I made out with another guy in front of you, and you tell me don’t worry about it?! Should I be happy you’re not that upset about it, or should I be even more hurt that you’re not phased by it. “I still don’t know what to say. I can’t believe I did that,” I added. He just looked back at me with a face that said, “Yeah. You did that.” I wanted to slither away into darkness and forget the world.

We continued to get ready for brunch and walked out the door. As we walked, all I could think about was how disrespectful I was to the man I’d grown so fondly of. Sure we had our moments where I questioned our relationship, but what I did was unforgivable. I would not have been able to forgive myself for what I did. When N did it to me, it signaled the end of our relationship.

I did this in front of his friends — Many of which I told I was dating Smiles. I made myself look like a complete whore, and I made Smiles look like a fool. The man who was singing my praises was the man who witnessed my greatest downfall. This was one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life, and there was no making up for it and no undoing it.

I continued to tell Smiles how bad I felt about the whole thing. He was trying to make conversation and ignore the subject, but it was all my mind could fixate on. “It’s fine. Stop worrying about it,” he kept saying. We ate breakfast and talked about a few things I can’t recall because my mind was completely elsewhere. I was crushed. I almost had to leave the restaurant, Extra Virgin — His favorite restaurant, so I could go outside and cry.

It was a gorgeous day, and Smiles told me he wanted to go for a bike ride. He asked what I had planned for the day. I couldn’t think. I had no plans. I was hoping to spend the day with Smiles, but clearly that wasn’t an option. I decided I was going to try to meet Boston before he left the city, even if it was at the bus stop. I had to tell him what I did. I knew he wouldn’t look favorably on me, but I also knew he wouldn’t judge me. I left Smiles with a kiss as he walked south, and I turned and walked north. I decided to walk off my disgrace.

As I pounded the pavement from 11th street to 43rd, I tried reaching Boston. He wasn’t answering the nearly twenty-five calls I made to him. I needed him. I needed someone to talk to. I decided to hit up my roommate and see what she was doing. Maybe we could curl up on the couch and watch a movie to help make the day pass by. I talked to her for a bit, but she had plans. I couldn’t bring myself to tell here what I did. I was too ashamed. I would tell her later.

I decided to call Smiles during my walk. I wanted to make sure he knew how broken up I was about it if we were to survive this. I reiterated how bad I felt and how wrong I was as I tried to choke back tears and a vocal quiver. “Listen. It’s okay. It’s in the past. It was New Year’s Eve. You were drunk. That was 2011. This is 2012. Don’t worry about it. It’s alright,” he assured me. I think he realized how upset this made me, and that was all I could do. My fate was in his hands…

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  1. #1 by Richard on February 8, 2012 - 12:42 PM

    Well, the good thing is, your BF is clearly understanding. So you made out with someone when you were black out drunk? You also welcomed a French woman to the country. I assume that in the absence of vast quantities of alcohol, you would have done neither. Correct? Smiles understands that people do crazy things when they are that drunk. Everyone has one or two stories like this, at least. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all done stupid things. I rode the PATH train for a few hours completely passed out. How I woke up with all my money, ipod, etc., is beyond me! I don’t even remember getting to the train that night.

    Smiles has probably been there, and could understand. Now of course, in hindsight, I’d say that fixating on it was wrong. Once you apologized three times, and he was trying to move on, you should have probably done that too. Or maybe said, you know he wants to move onto a new subject, but you are having issues with it, because you are feeling so appalled/ashamed of your actions. Easy advice, but having been there, I did exactly what you did. It’s almost impossible not to. The point is, when you get into a situation like that, it is important to have some sort of exit strategy.

    My exit strategy for moments like this comes from my theatre days. In college, if you auditioned for a role, and didn’t get it, the entire department had what they called the “24 hour rule.” For a full 24 hours, you were allowed to be upset/angry/sad/etc about not getting the role you wanted (or getting cast at all). After that, you were forced to move on, and if you kept moaning, people would basically call you out on it. I tend to use this approach in a lot of things, but I have longer time frames depending on the injustice. However, this looks like a simple 24 hour rule moment.

    When I had my worst black-out ever, I decided to show my husband I was serious about how bad I felt, by not drinking for a month. It was SUPER HARD, because we had parties, and Valentines day, and all sorts of stuff going on. I think it worked, but I had two rather crazy drunken nights within a month (fortunately, I’ve had none since). Maybe you can make a similar pledge.

    Another reason Smiles might have felt like taking it easy, is that he recognized, he was pouring your drinks most of the evening. As a party host who has accidentally gotten a few of my guests so smashed they had to stay over, I felt pretty bad about it, because I was drinking during the party, and therefore my judgment on who might have had too much, was not 100%. In addition, Smiles left you in unfamiliar territory, with people who seriously don’t know how to take no for an answer.

    What Smiles said really is the best though.

    “Listen. It’s okay. It’s in the past. It was New Year’s Eve. You were drunk. That was 2011. This is 2012. Don’t worry about it. It’s alright,”

    People tend to think that because it is NYE, they have to lose control. The pressure to have a great time is high, and people think alcohol will help that happen. Sometimes they are right, sometimes not so much.

    I am shocked that out of everything you report feeling, violated is not one of them. While drunken sex with your boyfriend is slightly easier to handle, the other guy took advantage of you. Now of course you are not sure you said no, but even still, if anyone should be ashamed of how they acted, it was the guy who went for you in your clearly impaired state. While I think it is good you are not “playing the victim” I do think you are also taking all of the blame.

    In the end, you’ll probably think back at this as “Can you believe what happened that night? So crazy!” and you’ve learned that you do have a breaking point when it comes to alcohol consumption. So you’ve got another life lesson from this experience.

  2. #2 by kinmanhattan on February 8, 2012 - 2:30 PM

    You really beat yourself up over this. It seems like Smiles wanted to protect you from it. I agree with the poster above, Smiles is pretty understanding.. or so it seems. Maybe he felt guilty for not ending your make-out session with that guy. Maybe Smiles felt responsible for placing you in that situation and felt that he couldn’t say anything because he didn’t want to label your relationship. Either way, seems like he handled it like a gentleman – though he probably could’ve comforted you more provided you were really upset… but then again, you had no expectations from one another. Also, like the above poster stated, this should hopefully serve as a lesson. I’m more interested in how one recovers from this.

    • #3 by The Shit Collector on February 8, 2012 - 6:27 PM

      To be honest, I was surprised that he did not make out with the other guy when I read To Kiss or Be Kissed. But as we see in this entry, he did make out with him.
      What you say above is right and I think that we could also speculate that Smiles took it easy because he felt that he neglected his boyfriend that night. Had he been around instead of playing co-host, maybe his horny boyfriend would have kissed him instead of making out with a stranger.

      I think that the OP is also worried about the impression that he made on Smile’ s friends. Especially after getting praise for being a good guy.

  3. #4 by VpO on February 8, 2012 - 4:43 PM

    Oh I’ve been their before too! At least he knows how bad you felt. Dam booze! Get’s us all the time. But also, shame on that guy for not respecting your boundries when you told him you were taken. Hate guys like that.

  4. #5 by Jon on October 9, 2016 - 11:17 PM

    Hey there,

    I started reading your blog some time ago but never ended up finishing. Now that I’m kinda back in the dating pool I thought I’d go back and re-read everything and I’ve reached the point where I stopped reading. Now it’s mostly “new” content for me and I’m excited to see how 2012 treats you.

    (2012 is especially important to me because that’s the year I officially came out)

    • #6 by One Gay at a Time on November 7, 2016 - 10:37 AM

      Hi there. Glad to hear you’re catching up and enjoying it!

      • #7 by Jon from Toronto on November 7, 2016 - 2:45 PM

        Ah, you’re still on here! Makes me wish I continued to leave comments as I was reading your blog. I’m almost finished but expect a few comments on your remaining posts!

      • #8 by One Gay at a Time on November 17, 2016 - 12:00 AM

        I still read every comment… Which way are you reading these? Forward or backward??

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