Posts Tagged Mr. Right
Sunday afternoon, I tried to see if Smiles would want to do something fun the following day since I didn’t have to go to work. Sadly, he had work to do. He was trying to build up a company from scratch, and it is a lot of hard work, so I understood. What I didn’t expect was he would be busy he wouldn’t be able to find the time to pick up the phone and call or text.
Monday passed with me planted on the couch watching TV all day while surfing adam4adam.com and reactivating my Grindr account. I was just seeing what was out there, but as the afternoon progressed, I started to think toward the future while examining the past.
I realized I wasn’t happy. I equated my relationship to the struggle of Sisyphus, a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity. I was constantly putting work into the relationship only to find I wasn’t receiving much benefit from it.
I had given Smiles more than his fair share of chances to finally woo me, and he failed. I enjoyed his company, and he was a very nice, successful, good-looking man, but the time had come to move on. It just seemed he wasn’t that into me, and I realized I deserve better. Since I had been on the journey to this conclusion for quite some time, I wasn’t that broken up about it. I’ve had varied reactions to the end of relationships in the past. I moved on with closure after my mutual breakup with Broadway. I had slight some minor cardiac scarring after I ended things with San Francisco. I was a wreck when things went south with N — Losing ten pounds in a week (Not proud of that).
I actually started to get slightly angry about things. I felt used. I recalled asking Smiles on our first date why he was on Grindr, and he had mentioned he was lonely. I realized I was someone to pass the time for him. I was someone he could go to dinner with so he didn’t have to eat alone. I was someone he could have the occasional romp in the sheets when he was in the mood. I was a seat warmer. He never had any plans to forge a relationship with me, and this made me really feel used.
I wanted more. I deserved more. And I was going to find more. I started searching once again on a4a and Grindr. These are clearly not the best place to find Mr. Right, but it couldn’t hurt to try. Once again, it was just going to be a lot of work.
On top of it all, our sex-life was minimal. As a result, I was horny. I was hungry for some good sex. Over the summer when I was having my wild time, I felt I started to really hone my craft. I had numerous guys constantly hitting me up for seconds, thirds, and more. It was great for my ego, and I craved a really good romp in the sack.
That’s when I turned my efforts toward Grindr. I wanted to find a local guy with a hot body. I knew it wouldn’t be easy from past experience, but maybe some new hotties moved into the area in the three months I’d been away. I started talking to one guy for quite some time. We even started to Skype with each other while I watched TV. He lived very close and had a really nice body. He was Asian, which doesn’t quite get my engine roaring so there he wasn’t a relationship prospect, but we could at least start on a friendship. We face-time chatted most of the evening. I gave him full disclosure on the situation. We even discussed him coming over to hook up, but in the end I decided to be good.
Afterall, I still hadn’t officially ended things with Smiles yet. It wouldn’t be right. I’d already betrayed that relationship once, I didn’t need to do it again, not matter how resolved I was about its end.
I got an offer from a man I’d had a tryst with in the past. He begged me to come to his apartment, but it was cold outside, and it was getting late. I had work the next day, and I needed to go to bed. I told him I’d take a rain check.
My new friend went to bed, and I continued to figure out a way to satiate my libido. I figured I would hit up some old friends in my Skype contact list. One of the sexiest men happened to be online. He lived in South America on an island, and I wanted to do bad things to his body. It was amazing. I loved camming with him. The only issue was he had a big thing for me. He always begged me to be his boyfriend, no matter how many times I told him it couldn’t happen because we are so far away. He begged me to come visit, but I told him I couldn’t afford the flight. I wasn’t about to fly to South America for a booty call. But if he lived anywhere close, I would have been over there in a second!
I convinced him to have a little fun on camera until I finished. As usual, it sapped all the energy from my body, and I jumped into bed and dozed off without a thought left in my head.Follow @onegayatatime
Finally feeling empowered again, I called my friends who also had the day off. We decided upon sunbathing on the pier in Hoboken. Ten pounds lighter (from not being able to eat) and one hot new bathing suit later, I was feeling sexy again. All I needed was a sexy tan to boot.
I arrived early, and as I lad my things out, I decided to write this entry while the emotion was still fresh. I sat down with my notepad facing west until I realized what I was missing. I had the cityscape 180 degrees away, and I wasn’t taking advantage. I turned around, literally changing my perspective, but in the process, I immediately changed my figurative perspective as well. This immense city lay before me in all its grandeur — the land of opportunity. The possibilities were endless.
I began to think, so many men and so little time. I’m 27. However, in gay years, I’m 1. This is my paradox. I’m ready to settle down to something concrete. Nearly 26 years of turmoil set the stage for all of this. I want a real relationship. I’m ready for love. True love. But like I just pointed out, I was still a gay baby. For me, I needed to be single. Not dating to find Mr. Right, but single. I needed to find my true gay self. Should Mr. Right come knocking, I wouldn’t be stupid and leave him standing on the porch or fight him off. But, I needed to stop trying to find him. It had to happen naturally. He would come to me when the time was right.
I spent the days leading up building a new roster. It’s amazing. All you have to do is open yourself up, and men will come flocking. I was back to using Grindr to find men, not just passing time. The floodgates were open. Men from everywhere were throwing themselves at me. It was utterly flattering and just the ego boost I needed to get back to my old self.
As I sat, I also debated what I would say to N. After talking to many of my friends, they couldn’t believe I didn’t want to go off on him. That would be the expected reaction. But, I was better than that. I already felt vindicated. I had hard proof my mistrust was justified. I not longer felt so manipulated. Even if he didn’t act on his desires, he was seeking out the company of other men. If it could have happened, I’m sure it would have. Consequently, I was so angry with myself for letting a man make me so upset. But that was over. He broke my heart, but I finally moved on.
So, I prepared the following monologue. I know it never goes as planned, but I wanted to prepare my thoughts at the least. I had a lot to say.
“I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t trust you anymore. The time you spend at the gym, especially after you told me what goes on there. The time you spend on Grindr ‘talking’ even in front of me. No one is ever on there just talking. Talking leads to things. How do you think we met? And after seeing you kiss that guy at the bar. And yes, I saw you kiss him. And even if you want to deny that, you were still exchanging numbers. All I could think about the rest of that night was how many other guys you were grinding on and kissing before I arrived at the bar. You’re not ready for a relationship, and I’m no one’s booty-call. I deserve so much more than that! Especially after how much of myself I’ve given to you. I hope we can still be friends, but I can’t continue down our current path.”
After talking with my friends on the pier, I planned what I would say when he denied everything. Not if, but when. I debated saying, “N. I have friends on Grindr.” But, my friends vetoed that. So my next suggestion was. “N. I know you haven’t been honest with me,” and leave it at that.
Now, I just had to wait to see him so I could have this conversation. However, I would not get the opportunity that night…Follow @onegayatatime