Posts Tagged libido

Gray Hairs

Today is another Fast Forward Friday!!!  

Hope you are enjoying these. It will help bring the blog a little closer to real time. If you’re keeping up with the stories chronologically, please skip down to this morning’s post first, then read this one. I think it’s a good one! Enjoy!

Back to your special edition of One Gay At A Time…

That night following my breakup with Smiles, I went home feeling some freedom. I’d already gone on a date and hooked up before breaking up with Smiles. But, now that it was official, I felt I could do whatever I wanted.

It’d been a while since I had some good, wild, crazy sex. I was horny. I had three months go by with only a little bit of lovin’ in the bedroom. I was hungry for a good man and a good time.

I was very cautious of history not repeating itself. I was not going to let myself go wild like I had after breaking things off with N. I didn’t need to do it now like I needed to do it then. But, that didn’t mean I couldn’t have a little fun.

I pulled out Grindr and began my talent search for the night. I wanted to find a good time one-night stand type. Any guy who wanted to hook up with me the first night he met me would not be a guy I wanted to date. Yes! That is exceptionally hypocritical of me, but it’s my love life, and I make the rules.

I found an old friend on Grindr while I was searching. He was a guy who came over to my apartment one rainy night shortly after breaking up with N. We were both staunch tops at the time, so we just fooled around a bit, but he had a great body and was a lot of fun. Even though we didn’t have penetration, we managed to find other creative ways to ensure the other fully enjoyed himself.

We chatted a bit, and he told me he missed me. I explained why I hadn’t been around as he told me he was hoping I’d hit him up again for a fun night. I told him to come by, and I would surely show him another good time. He tried to convince me to come to his place, but I insisted on hosting. I just felt more comfortable in my own bed.

He came by, and we laid in my bed just talking for a little bit. He had on many layers, and I slowly stripped a few off so he would be more comfortable while we laid there. Eventually, we started making out, and I rolled him on top of me.

Warning: The following may be too graphic for some: I stripped him down to his briefs and fully appreciated his body. He was an older gentleman, but he certainly kept in shape. Everything was still tight and sexy. I hoped I would be in such good shape when I was older. Ironically it was that night I learned he was in his last year of his forties. I had no idea he was so old. I was shocked in fact. It didn’t change the fact that he was a sexy specimen of a man, but it kinda flipped my mentality on end. Up until this point, I thought the forty-year-old was the oldest I’d been with. He looked a lot like Ulrich Alexander Fox.

Regardless, he had a great d*ck and an amazing ass. I was ready to have some fun. I recalled his position as a top only, so I knew there would be not penetration again, but ironically enough, he volunteered, “Maybe sometime I’ll let you inside me.”

I was completely caught off guard. I replied, “Really!? Why’s that?” “Because you’re sexy, and I really feel comfortable with you. Maybe some day.” I asked if he ever bottomed, and he told me it’d been many many years since he’d last done it. I felt privileged. I was getting the ego boost I needed to get me back on my feet. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Here was a guy who was looking forward to another romp in the sheets with me, and we’d never even had full intercourse. Maybe I was better in the sack than I gave myself credit for :).

I had a lot of fun with him that night. He went down on me, and I finished like a pro. He commented on how he wished he still got as hard as I did and was able to shoot like I can. I then, with jello legs, helped him finish as well. He certainly deserved that after the fun night I was having.

Afterwards, we laid next to each other and just talked for a while. It was then I learned he was actually black. I’d noticed he wasn’t a white guy, but I wasn’t sure what his background was. I had nothing against this at all. I’d just thought maybe he was of Middle Eastern descent or possibly Egyptian. I also learned he was adopted by what seemed like a picturesque white family in Connecticut. He was very happy explaining his upbringing. I could tell there was a lot of love in that family. I was happy I had a real man in my bed and not just a body to hook up with. I’d never start a relationship with him, but at least this friend with benefits was an interesting guy with a big heart.

He again told me how much he missed me and being with me. He also told me he hoped we could find time to meet up again in the future. He encouraged me to come to his place some time since he lived alone and had a nice apartment. I told him I would certainly come to him next time. I learned he really wasn’t a creep, but a decent guy with a decent libido.

I once again took the opportunity to admire his body and tell him how hot he is. He was embarrassed by my compliments and talked about his need to take more care of his body. I insisted it was pretty amazing, and he directed the attention toward mine. He told me in detail how hot I was and how thrilled he was to have fun with me.

We continued to talk as her got dressed. I walked him to the door and gave him a kiss goodnight.

It was exactly what I needed right when I needed it. I had fun. I got an ego boost. And, I had a smile on my face for at least the rest of the night. I would sleep a very happy man that night!

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Pocket Gay

Things with Smiles had soured, and I was already getting back into the dating game. I found a guy who I thought I’d have a connection with on Grindr and set up a date. When the date didn’t go swimmingly, I made my way home.

I was horny — Really horny. Smiles and I had a sparse sex-life. This could quite possibly be a result of my inability to climax at the drop of the hat, or it could have been a result of something else. Regardless, I was hungry for some good sex. I’d come close a few nights earlier to succumbing to the temptation of a Grindr booty call, but in the end, I behaved myself. I hopped on the computer and managed to take care of myself.

Tonight I wouldn’t be so well behaved. I knew I could find a guy to selfishly pleasure me without much effort on my part, both in the search and in the bedroom. This may sound disgusting to some, but we are all animals when you get down to it. We have sexual desires and drives that need to be satiated. I held no loyalty to one man at the time, so I felt no guilt. The other guy would be quite aware of what he was getting into — A one-night-stand.

I didn’t always have this mindset. In fact, I can specifically remember a conversation I had with N about sex and relationships. At the time, I didn’t believe I could have sex without having an emotional attachment to. He didn’t have the same mentality. I found it ironic since I was further along the gay timeline than he was. I would have thought our positions would have been the opposite.  Obviously, if you read my blog, you know my position has changed. I know I am capable of having sex outside a relationship.

I’m not proud of this, and this is far from and ideal situation for me. However, at times, my animal instincts take over and my libido craves for satisfaction.

On my walk home, I fired up Grindr. I began chatting with a few people, but there wasn’t much talent. One of the guys seemed decently cute, but I wasn’t sold just yet. I was still on the hunt. We talked a little bit, and I realized we’d spoken a bit on adam4adam.com.

I hit up a bunch of other guys. I was tempted to hit up one of the two friends with benefits I’d established over the summer, but better thinking kicked in. I didn’t want to open up that can of worms again.

When the night was drawing on, I decided to settle for the decent guy on Grindr. He was a really nice, genuine guy. I could tell he’d been judged for his smaller stature based on his adam4adam profile. I felt a connection in our current lack of self-esteem.

We talked a bit more about what the night would entail. It was getting quite late, and he wasn’t thrilled with having to trudge around Hoboken late in the night. I did the unthinkable. I told him to come over and said he could spend the night.

When he arrived, he came directly to my room. I was a little disappointed. He looked better in his pictures, and he was quite small, but I looked on the brighter side. I really enjoyed feeling strong in the bedroom, and it meant I could toss him around a little bit. We casually chatted while I sat on the bed, and he removed his coat and shoes. He joined me on the bed, and we began to make out.

We had protected sex and both of us rather enjoyed ourselves. I showered and then invited him to do the same before going to bed.

When I woke in the morning, it was a bit awkward. I had to go to work, but I also had to get rid of him so I could get ready. I woke with enough time to do both. I politely hinted it was time for him to go so I wouldn’t be late. He quickly got the hint, but he wasn’t going to leave immediately.

He decided to give a parting gift. He climbed down under the sheets and started pleasing me orally. He was good. He was very good. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long before I finished — For the second time in less than twelve hours. If this kid was more my type we surely would have started a thing that morning. He surely knew my libido and how to satiate it. Morning is when I am horniest, and the fact that he just went for it really got my engine revving.

I hopped in the shower while he got dressed. After my shower, I escorted him to the door. I was trying to avoid my roommate from seeing him, but I failed. I gave him a gentle kiss at the door and said goodbye. My roommate then said, “I guess the date went really well last night.” I didn’t feel the need to lie, but I didn’t want to get into it. “He wasn’t the one I went on the date with,” I added with a grin. And with that, I simply walked away.

I texted him that afternoon thanking him for coming by and telling him I had a good time. Later, he texted me saying, “Me too :). Do you wanna grab dinner or something sometime? If you aren’t interested or were just looking for a one-time thing, I’d totally respect that. Not trying to sound crazy. Haha. You just seem like a really nice guy, so thought I’d ask.” Apparently, I’d done it again. A guy who knew he was coming over for a hookup wanted more than just sex. I wasn’t interested in him for anything else, so I let him down gently. “Gonna be honest with you. You deserve at least that. Just ended a relationship this week, so I need to figure out me right now… Make sense?” He was quite classy and responded, “Absolutely man. Sorry to hear. Mine ended back in September. Dated over a year. It’s rough. Hit me up sometime :).”

I did need to figure myself out a bit. But, there was no reason I couldn’t do that while simultaneously playing with “Mr. Right Now” and searching for “Mr. Right.”

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What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

Sunday afternoon, I tried to see if Smiles would want to do something fun the following day since I didn’t have to go to work. Sadly, he had work to do. He was trying to build up a company from scratch, and it is a lot of hard work, so I understood. What I didn’t expect was he would be busy he wouldn’t be able to find the time to pick up the phone and call or text.

Monday passed with me planted on the couch watching TV all day while surfing adam4adam.com and reactivating my Grindr account. I was just seeing what was out there, but as the afternoon progressed, I started to think toward the future while examining the past.

I realized I wasn’t happy. I equated my relationship to the struggle of Sisyphus, a king punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this throughout eternity. I was constantly putting work into the relationship only to find I wasn’t receiving much benefit from it.

I had given Smiles more than his fair share of chances to finally woo me, and he failed. I enjoyed his company, and he was a very nice, successful, good-looking man, but the time had come to move on. It just seemed he wasn’t that into me, and I realized I deserve better. Since I had been on the journey to this conclusion for quite some time, I wasn’t that broken up about it. I’ve had varied reactions to the end of relationships in the past. I moved on with closure after my mutual breakup with Broadway. I had slight some minor cardiac scarring after I ended things with San Francisco. I was a wreck when things went south with N — Losing ten pounds in a week (Not proud of that).

This epiphany wasn’t all that earth-shattering for me. Things had been on the decline for some time. This certainly didn’t come out of the blue, so the blow was lessened.

I actually started to get slightly angry about things. I felt used. I recalled asking Smiles on our first date why he was on Grindr, and he had mentioned he was lonely. I realized I was someone to pass the time for him. I was someone he could go to dinner with so he didn’t have to eat alone. I was someone he could have the occasional romp in the sheets when he was in the mood. I was a seat warmer. He never had any plans to forge a relationship with me, and this made me really feel used.

I wanted more. I deserved more. And I was going to find more. I started searching once again on a4a and Grindr. These are clearly not the best place to find Mr. Right, but it couldn’t hurt to try. Once again, it was just going to be a lot of work.

On top of it all, our sex-life was minimal. As a result, I was horny. I was hungry for some good sex. Over the summer when I was having my wild time, I felt I started to really hone my craft. I had numerous guys constantly hitting me up for seconds, thirds, and more. It was great for my ego, and I craved a really good romp in the sack.

That’s when I turned my efforts toward Grindr. I wanted to find a local guy with a hot body. I knew it wouldn’t be easy from past experience, but maybe some new hotties moved into the area in the three months I’d been away. I started talking to one guy for quite some time. We even started to Skype with each other while I watched TV. He lived very close and had a really nice body. He was Asian, which doesn’t quite get my engine roaring so there he wasn’t a relationship prospect, but we could at least start on a friendship. We face-time chatted most of the evening. I gave him full disclosure on the situation. We even discussed him coming over to hook up, but in the end I decided to be good.

Afterall, I still hadn’t officially ended things with Smiles yet. It wouldn’t be right. I’d already betrayed that relationship once, I didn’t need to do it again, not matter how resolved I was about its end.

I got an offer from a man I’d had a tryst with in the past. He begged me to come to his apartment, but it was cold outside, and it was getting late. I had work the next day, and I needed to go to bed. I told him I’d take a rain check.

My new friend went to bed, and I continued to figure out a way to satiate my libido. I figured I would hit up some old friends in my Skype contact list. One of the sexiest men happened to be online. He lived in South America on an island, and I wanted to do bad things to his body. It was amazing. I loved camming with him. The only issue was he had a big thing for me. He always begged me to be his boyfriend, no matter how many times I told him it couldn’t happen because we are so far away. He begged me to come visit, but I told him I couldn’t afford the flight. I wasn’t about to fly to South America for a booty call. But if he lived anywhere close, I would have been over there in a second!

I convinced him to have a little fun on camera until I finished. As usual, it sapped all the energy from my body, and I jumped into bed and dozed off without a thought left in my head.

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You Were on Oprah!?

Sometimes someone comes into your life and just simply blows you away. You have no idea where they came from, and you have no idea why they are talking to you. They are simply amazing, and you feel you don’t deserve a minute of their time.

On a random Monday night, while watching Labyrinth with my roommate, I was poking around on Grindr. I came across a good looking torso so I messaged him my standard message, “Hey stud.” I don’t know why, but that line always seems to work. I think men can’t resist being called stud. I know I would be highly flattered if someone said it to me.

We began chatting. He was a really nice guy and quite a gentleman. I learned he lived not far from me in Jersey City. We started flirting a bit and swapped a few picrtures. I told him why I was on Grindr: I am looking to meet guys and see where things go. I told him about my sordid dating life, and what I was really looking for in a man. He told me I seemed like a really great guy and asked why I was still single. I told him I was hunting for my unicorn, a monogamous man who acted like a man and was willing to give me as much as I was willing to give him. I then turned the question on him. He said, “I never said I was single.”

This is the part of the conversation when my heart sinks. Every time someone says something like this to me, a little piece inside of me dies. There have to be guys out there who are happy with their relationships and aren’t involved in extra-curricular activities outside their relationship.

I asked him to elaborate. (I apologize if this gets vague, but I am doing so to protect this man’s identity… He is somewhat of a public figure as you will come to learn) He explained his partner is a performer who continued to work beyond the typical age of retirement in his field. Because of this, his partner has to take a lot of medication, and he thinks it has severely effected his libido. As a result, after seven years together, they haven’t had sex in a year and a half. On top of that, he travels the world for months at a time (he was gone for 5 months when we started chatting). My heart went out to him on this one. That is a long time. But, I still don’t see that as an excuse to sneak around and find sex outside the relationship.

Every time he asked for sex, his partner was always too tired or not feeling well. A year and a half of that is unacceptable. They needed to talk about it with each other, even if it was something his partner wasn’t interested talking about. He rationalized being on Grindr by saying he needed to feel sexy, so why couldn’t he flirt a bit. We had a very adult conversation about the whole situation. I told him he needed to force his partner to address their problems. Relationships are about two peoples’ happiness. If he wasn’t getting everything he needed in the relationship, he needed to speak up more forcefully. Basically, I talked him out of doing anything he would regret down the road. I never want to be something someone regrets. No one wants that negative energy associated with himself.

He replied, “Okay. Sorry for the pictures! Just friends!” I needed friends just as much, if not more than I need a lover. I was excited by the prospect because this man seemed to lead an exciting life. He was an amazing man who had a weak moment. I told him not to worry about the pictures and made sure to reiterate I thought he was a very sexy man. He loved his partner, and it was apparent. From then on, we had a friendly conversation to get to know each other. I could tell we both have very curious minds. I wanted to hear all about him and his life’s adventures.

In high school, he moved to another country for some time and was a cowboy. After that he went to college in the states. Following, he made an extended trip to a remote part of India and fell in love with the culture. When he came back to the states, he came upon a windfall amassing him a very large sum of money. Instead of squandering it, he put it to good use and started a charitable organization.

The man is basically Indiana Jones. I almost didn’t believe his story, but then discovered someone made a movie about his life. But the coup de gras was when I found out he was on Oprah. Not that she is the end all and be all, but she added legitimacy to his story no one else could equal. I was honored a man of this caliber was interested in being my friend.

We talked about the celebrities he’s worked with and the good he’s done in the world. In the back of my mind, all I could think about was the medium in which I met this amazing man. To anyone who says Grindr is simply a hookup, I feel you are sorely mistaken. Grindr is what you make it. It is simply the medium for communication. You choose the messages you send.

After I finished watching the movie, I called him on the phone to chat more. I was purely fascinated. Before hanging up, I made plans with him to grab a drink the following night. He agreed to come to Hoboken, as he had to travel to Edgewater to meet a friend. We would find a nice quiet bar to grab a glass of wine and chat. I was elated. The following night, I texted him to confirm our plans, but those plans would have to change…

 

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