It had arrived. Although this would be my third year “participating,” I was legitimately scared. I wasn’t sure why it was so scary, but honestly, I was petrified for so many reasons.
My first interaction with Pride Weekend was a mistake. I was making my way to Governor’s Island for a polo match with my family when we found ourselves “stuck” in the parade route. The following year was the first year I was out when the weekend came around. It wasn’t pleasant as I witnessed my relationship crumble before my eyes like an out-of-body experience. I missed the parade that year, but I got a sampling of the other aspects of the festivities.
My fear was grounded mainly in the unknown. While I am a gay man, I do not participate in the typical gay culture. I’ve never been a big fan of gay clubs and what goes on there. I come from a background of a traditional relationship. In the gay world, that is like finding a diamond in the rough. The clubs seem to be the antithesis of this. They are a hot-bed of drugs, promiscuity and raunchy behavior. I know all gay men who go to bars don’t fit into this stereotype, but this stereotype is founded in truth. While I’ve been to a handful of gay clubs, and my comfort level was rising, I still had no idea what to expect. Never before had I been to a circuit party. I was venturing into the abyss, and this caused me incredible anxiety.
While I have learned to let go of the men in my past, I still carry the scars of my relationship with them. They’ve all hurt or used me in some way, shape or form. My biggest fear in life is being alone, and this fear is fed by thoughts of cheating, which is birthed from my baggage. The idea of CK with another man broke my heart. I had clear definitions of cheating, but there were worse things floating through my imagination — Like cheating in a form I feel is unfaithful, but the offender does not.
My relationship with CK was building a great foundation, however, the cement was still wet. We were only dating two months and ten days — Very young for any relationship. In the first month, I had strong suspicions I wasn’t the only man entering his bed. Things didn’t always line up and some of the clear indications were there, however, our relationship was still just forming. I knew there would be a transition period. While he told me he was only interested in me, and I was the only man entering his bed, I was aware how we met. I was also aware of his intentions before we even met through his first major slip-up on Grindr. I couldn’t expect monogamy from the first night — That wasn’t realistic.
While I was fairly understanding and looked the other way early on, I was not going to tolerate infidelity as our relationship progressed and strengthened. For starters, my heart wouldn’t be able to handle the pain, and lastly, it wasn’t safe for my health. I needed to trust him to be faithful. Outside the heartbreak, frankly, we were having unprotected sex. We’d been tested, but there are no guarantees. I trusted him with my life, literally, and if he was sleeping with other men, he was treating my life carelessly.
I sincerely had a feeling his intentions had evolved, but I couldn’t be sure how he would react when faced with temptation. I hoped I was the only man for him. As a result, I was petrified for the life of our relationship. I’d watched my relationship with N publicly combust the previous year, and I didn’t want a repeat.
I’m sure many of you reading think I am overreacting. It’s just a party… It’s just a parade… It’s just a weekend… Well, not to me. To me, it was a litmus test for the strength of my love for CK. I didn’t want that love to be tested, and I didn’t want to have to make a decision that could end my relationship with CK. He was my Superman. He was my world. If I lost him, my world would come crumbling down.
We had plans to go to a huge party at XL Friday night, Matinée circuit party Saturday, and the parade Sunday afternoon. I was venturing into this unknown abyss with faith and hope I could persevere. The thought of CK dropping X and losing control of his inhibitions with some other guy caused me great pain and panic attacks. The idea of another man’s hand groping his package caused me panic attacks. Picturing him dancing shirtless against another shirtless man caused me panic attacks. Every time these scenarios and many others entered my brain, my heart rate would increase drastically, I would start to sweat, and I would get light-headed.
All this added up to me being petrified and frustrated. When I asked CK what clothes I should pack to bring to his apartment for the weekend, and I didn’t get any cooperation or help. It all became overwhelming. To begin with, this wasn’t something I was looking forward to, and his lack of cooperation made me lose my sh*t. “Okay Babe. I’ll talk to you in the morning. Have fun tonight!” I said on the verge of tears as I hung up the phone on him.
I think that was the wake-up call CK needed. I don’t think he fully understood how much anxiety this all created for me. I voiced my frustrations for weeks leading up to Pride Weekend. I told him I was going out of my comfort zone, but I was willing to do it as long as I got some hand-holding. I needed help to get over this. It was just another fun weekend for him, but it was a big deal to me.
After a few minutes, he called me back. We discussed things a little more rationally, and CK’s tone changed. He finally realized I was struggling and tossed out the life-preserver. Now that I knew I had him in my corner, I was a little more relaxed, however, I still wasn’t completely comfortable. It was going to be a long, stressful and exhausting weekend both physically and emotionally. I bit down then and there, and braced for impact as I packed my bag and walked out the door.
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I had a Friday to myself, and I wasted it on hookups. I could have been doing something productive like going to the gym or grocery shopping, but instead, I spent the day inside trying to line up sex.
There was one man in particular who I’d exchanged messages with on adam4adam.com. He was a well-built guy with a sexy body. He had a nice amount of body hair, great muscles and a spectacular behind. We’d talked about hooking up a few times, but we’d never seemed to line our schedules up. I messaged him, but he didn’t respond.
I continued to search for other guys on the computer when he finally responded. He didn’t read my message until it was too late. We exchanged phone numbers, and he called and told me he had a lot of errands to run before his mother’s birthday the following day. He wasn’t able to see me until later, but suggested we Skype in the meantime. I had nothing to do, so I agreed.
He was even good-looking with bed head on the computer. I couldn’t imagine how sexy he was in person. Seeing him on the computer was just making me hornier, if that’s even possible. I tried so hard to convince him to come by before his errands and do them later. All he needed to do was time-shift his day. He kept telling me the only way it would work is if I came to his apartment. I couldn’t because it was raining, and I don’t ride the motorcycle in the rain. We pushed back and forth for some time to no avail. Of course there was some teasing with body parts on camera while all this was going on. I couldn’t wait to feel his sexy body. Alas, he had to go, so I said goodbye and we made tentative plans for later. I told him when I came by, he’d certainly have to wear his jockstrap for me. He gave me a disclaimer. He was up for almost anything, but he was not up for full penetration the first time meeting me. I was a little disappointed, but understandable.
That’s when I turned to the Mexican guy in the previous post. He was willing to come by right then, and I needed a release. I had immediate regret after that encounter.
Later in the day, my old roommate texted and asked if I was interested in meeting up for happy hour. After being cooped up in my apartment all day, I thought that sounded like a spectacular idea. No one ever invites me out for drinks either. It’s usually me doing the inviting, so it was a special treat. I texted the burly man from my morning Skype session to tell him I’d have to postpone. He called immediately protesting. I told him other things came up, and I wouldn’t be able to come by. He didn’t stop persisting to try to persuade me otherwise. I told him he could have solved the whole thing had he come by earlier in the day.
The clock reached 6:00, and I hadn’t heard from my old roommate. I reached out to burly man to see if he was still available. Indeed he was. I agreed to come to his place a few miles from my apartment. He told me he would be waiting for me in bed wearing nothing but a jock and would leave the door unlocked for me to just walk in.
I drove over there and texted him when I got to his neighborhood. I tried the door, but it was locked. I called him to tell him, and he said his upstairs renter must have left and locked the door behind him. He told me to back away so he could unlock the door. I did as I was told and gave him a minute to get back to his bed.
Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. I came in, undressed down to my boxer briefs and began kissing his back while pressing my body against his. It was as great as I imagined. His a$$ looked incredible in that jockstrap! I could barely resist him. We had a lot of fun together. There was a lot of groping, heavy petting, kissing, sucking, licking, biting, rubbing, etc. It was great. I was really enjoying the jockstrap as well. I was grinding on his backside, almost penetrating him, but never fully entering him. He really enjoyed it and was pushing me further, but in the end, he stopped himself.
He was begging for me to finish, and he brought me to the edge many times. He started orally pleasuring me. He thoroughly enjoyed this, and it was turning me on since he was enjoying it so much. Eventually, I finished in his mouth and all over my abdomen, and he loved it. He began to use his hand to pleasure himself. I helped by applying pressure to different areas until he finished all over his abdomen. We’d chatted about how each of us shoots on Skype, and it was interesting how different and how similar we were. His description was pretty spot on for what actually happened.
We both just laid there a minute and enjoyed the feeling pulsing through our bodies. I still couldn’t get over how amazing his a$$ was. I wanted to penetrate him so bad, but I knew that would have to wait for another day. He hopped out of bed and handed me a towel to clean up. While I stood there, I met two of his cats. They were very cool. This guy was quite into animals. He had a huge saltwater fish tank as well. He ran to the restroom while I got dressed. I also took the opportunity to snap two pictures. He came back and got dressed as well.
He walked me outside and chatted a bit while he smoked a cigarette. He didn’t live in the best of neighborhoods. An old woman so strung out on something walked by, and he engaged her in conversation for quite some time before finally offering her one of his cigarettes and sending her on her way. He told me about how his mother lived next door and his family’s ties with the city. He was a really nice guy. I could see myself seeing this guy again some time. He told me he was also kinda seeing some guy, but it was very casual and nothing serious. He mentioned the desire to see me again sometime, but we didn’t set up anything concrete.
I sped off on the motorcycle back home to shower and get ready to go out and meet up with friends. The only friend interested in going out was P. We agreed to hit up one of my favorite local spots where I know the owner, and he takes good care of me, Cooper’s Union in Hoboken. We had a relaxing night drinking and sitting at the bar. I told her about how I was getting out of control, and it was then I decided I was going on a Grindr diet. This had gone on far too long. I was realistic enough to know I couldn’t quit it cold turkey, but I also knew it was a great temptation for me. I was going to try to steer clear. I would only go on to see if someone messaged me. I would no longer cast out a net and would no longer have it running on my phone all day. I needed a break. I was addicted, and it was time for me to ween myself off the drug…
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Things with Smiles had soured, and I was already getting back into the dating game. I found a guy who I thought I’d have a connection with on Grindr and set up a date. When the date didn’t go swimmingly, I made my way home.
I was horny — Really horny. Smiles and I had a sparse sex-life. This could quite possibly be a result of my inability to climax at the drop of the hat, or it could have been a result of something else. Regardless, I was hungry for some good sex. I’d come close a few nights earlier to succumbing to the temptation of a Grindr booty call, but in the end, I behaved myself. I hopped on the computer and managed to take care of myself.
Tonight I wouldn’t be so well behaved. I knew I could find a guy to selfishly pleasure me without much effort on my part, both in the search and in the bedroom. This may sound disgusting to some, but we are all animals when you get down to it. We have sexual desires and drives that need to be satiated. I held no loyalty to one man at the time, so I felt no guilt. The other guy would be quite aware of what he was getting into — A one-night-stand.
I didn’t always have this mindset. In fact, I can specifically remember a conversation I had with N about sex and relationships. At the time, I didn’t believe I could have sex without having an emotional attachment to. He didn’t have the same mentality. I found it ironic since I was further along the gay timeline than he was. I would have thought our positions would have been the opposite. Obviously, if you read my blog, you know my position has changed. I know I am capable of having sex outside a relationship.
I’m not proud of this, and this is far from and ideal situation for me. However, at times, my animal instincts take over and my libido craves for satisfaction.
On my walk home, I fired up Grindr. I began chatting with a few people, but there wasn’t much talent. One of the guys seemed decently cute, but I wasn’t sold just yet. I was still on the hunt. We talked a little bit, and I realized we’d spoken a bit on adam4adam.com.
I hit up a bunch of other guys. I was tempted to hit up one of the two friends with benefits I’d established over the summer, but better thinking kicked in. I didn’t want to open up that can of worms again.
When the night was drawing on, I decided to settle for the decent guy on Grindr. He was a really nice, genuine guy. I could tell he’d been judged for his smaller stature based on his adam4adam profile. I felt a connection in our current lack of self-esteem.
We talked a bit more about what the night would entail. It was getting quite late, and he wasn’t thrilled with having to trudge around Hoboken late in the night. I did the unthinkable. I told him to come over and said he could spend the night.
When he arrived, he came directly to my room. I was a little disappointed. He looked better in his pictures, and he was quite small, but I looked on the brighter side. I really enjoyed feeling strong in the bedroom, and it meant I could toss him around a little bit. We casually chatted while I sat on the bed, and he removed his coat and shoes. He joined me on the bed, and we began to make out.
We had protected sex and both of us rather enjoyed ourselves. I showered and then invited him to do the same before going to bed.
When I woke in the morning, it was a bit awkward. I had to go to work, but I also had to get rid of him so I could get ready. I woke with enough time to do both. I politely hinted it was time for him to go so I wouldn’t be late. He quickly got the hint, but he wasn’t going to leave immediately.
He decided to give a parting gift. He climbed down under the sheets and started pleasing me orally. He was good. He was very good. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long before I finished — For the second time in less than twelve hours. If this kid was more my type we surely would have started a thing that morning. He surely knew my libido and how to satiate it. Morning is when I am horniest, and the fact that he just went for it really got my engine revving.
I hopped in the shower while he got dressed. After my shower, I escorted him to the door. I was trying to avoid my roommate from seeing him, but I failed. I gave him a gentle kiss at the door and said goodbye. My roommate then said, “I guess the date went really well last night.” I didn’t feel the need to lie, but I didn’t want to get into it. “He wasn’t the one I went on the date with,” I added with a grin. And with that, I simply walked away.
I texted him that afternoon thanking him for coming by and telling him I had a good time. Later, he texted me saying, “Me too :). Do you wanna grab dinner or something sometime? If you aren’t interested or were just looking for a one-time thing, I’d totally respect that. Not trying to sound crazy. Haha. You just seem like a really nice guy, so thought I’d ask.” Apparently, I’d done it again. A guy who knew he was coming over for a hookup wanted more than just sex. I wasn’t interested in him for anything else, so I let him down gently. “Gonna be honest with you. You deserve at least that. Just ended a relationship this week, so I need to figure out me right now… Make sense?” He was quite classy and responded, “Absolutely man. Sorry to hear. Mine ended back in September. Dated over a year. It’s rough. Hit me up sometime :).”
I did need to figure myself out a bit. But, there was no reason I couldn’t do that while simultaneously playing with “Mr. Right Now” and searching for “Mr. Right.”
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