Posts Tagged possibility
The morning after my friend’s wedding, CK and I woke up in bliss. We started talking in hypotheticals about our own wedding. I’d never given any thought to my wedding since coming to terms with my homosexuality. I never had this great picture in my mind. It always just seemed like this big dream I’d never attain. But, now that I had CK, it was growing in possibility. I still didn’t imagine our picture-perfect wedding, but I did picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. I could see us old and gray together sitting on rockers on the front porch or going for our evening constitutional after a nice meal we shared at home on the sun deck.
Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. This isn’t exactly how I woke up. Before all this marriage talk, I awoke to warming, wet sensation in my groin. He continue this while I slowly woke and writhed with pleasure. I reached down and grabbed the back of his head while it bobbed up and down. Eventually, I grabbed hold of his hair and directed his head up to meet mine so I could kiss him. What a way to wake up. We continued fooling around in bed until we both finished.
I have had quite a few men in my life. Some of these men I’d dated for quite some time. CK was the first man to figure out how to make me finish every time. All that remained of my former embarrassing “condition” was barely an echo of a thought in the back of my brain. CK had often times mentioned to me how stupid my previous love interests were for letting me go. It was then I realized Broadway let me go when the sex started to deteriorate. Sex was a large part of our relationship, and when I found it difficult to finish, he lost interest in me. It made me question the relationship as a whole. Was the whole thing based on sex? Did he simply keep me around cause I was good in the sack? None of my previous relationships have instilled any bit of confidence in me, so I thought it better to not think about them anymore. I had something new and magical to concentrate my brain power on — There was no need to live in the past.
CK made me finish by manually stimulating my prostate. His magic touch is what kept our sex life alive and strong. By relieving this burden, I was able to concentrate more on other things, and I was able to relax. As a result, we had an incredibly healthy sex life. However, this comes with a price. No one likes to talk about it, but anal play can be awkward. Although I’d learned to relax, I was very self-conscious about things. I tell you this because I want to ease your fears about this. It gets messy. There are no two ways about it. There are ways to reduce this, and I highly recommend learning them. But, in the end, you both realize it’s no big deal and move on. I’m not saying this time was messy, but over the time I’d been dating CK, we both became comfortable with dealing with any situation that arose. There’s nothing a strategically placed small towel and a little soap and water can’t remedy.
When we finished in bed, we hopped in the shower and began to fool around more. We didn’t have sex because water is an awful lubricant! We washed each other from head to toe, making sure not to miss any of the nooks or crannies.
Afterwards, it was time for breakfast. I was being healthy, so I had yogurt. I’d decided to begin a new diet (and by diet I simply mean I was paying attention to what went into my face hole). I taught him how simple it was to make French toast, so he had that for breakfast. He was fascinated to learn how easy it was to make and enjoyed it even more knowing he made it.
I had made plans for us for the day to head to a friend’s for a barbecue. I made the mistake of assuming since we were in my neighborhood, I was responsible for entertaining us. We talked and decided to take the motorcycle out for a ride before we did anything. It was only when I mentioned we’d be dropping off food at my friend, D and K’s apartment that he learned about the barbecue. He wasn’t mad about it, but he didn’t appreciate not being consulted before plans were set. I apologized for being inconsiderate. I knew I was in the wrong and felt bad about it, but all was well.
We planned to film the motorcycle ride with CK’s iPhone similar to what we did on the bikes in Central Park, but it didn’t exactly work as planned. We rigged a contraption to record the ride, but the angle of the camera was toward the road. We’ll have to make a second attempt and post the video here when we get it down pat.
When we finished our ride, we went back to D and K’s apartment. There was a fun crew gathering, and I introduced CK to a few newbies he’d never met before. We spent the afternoon eating and having fun. The conversation was bustling between everyone, but the time came for us to head out. CK asked if we could go. He wanted me all to himself. I didn’t argue because I thought it was incredibly sweet of him. I was also happy to learn he liked all my friends and enjoyed seeing how well he fit in.
We went home and cuddled in my bed while watching a few more episodes of Game of Thrones. I made us fish for dinner, and when we finished, we made our way back into the city to spend the night.
While walking back to his apartment, he commented how he enjoyed taking the publicly more submissive role, cradling his hand in the crook of my arm. Being a guy who likes to protect and cuddle my man, I enjoyed being the more dominant role. We really fit well together, in every sense of a relationship. It’s as if we were meant for each other. When we finally got back to his place, we relaxed in bed with some Rachel Maddow. I was exhausted after a long weekend, so I didn’t last long before I dozed off cradling the man I love.Follow @onegayatatime
Today is a Fast Forward Monday!!!
Hope you are enjoying these. It will help bring the blog a little closer to real-time. If you’re keeping up with the stories chronologically, please skip down to this morning’s post first, then read this one. I think it’s a good one! Enjoy!
Back to your special edition of One Gay At A Time…
After spending the day with The Navigator at the beach and then sharing a pretty spectacular relaxing evening together, I slept great. There was a sexy naked man in my bed, and I knew just what to do with it. We fell asleep spooning each other. When I woke in the morning, I couldn’t stop smiling when I realized it wasn’t a dream.
I rolled over and pulled him close to me. He was still slipping in and out of sleep. As he woke up, we picked up just where we left off the night before. Everything we did was fun. We were constantly ribbing each other and joking around. When we ended laying face to face, I said to him, “I just want to climb up to the roof and shout, I love my best friend, [The Navigator]. Boop!” as I reached my finger out and tapped him on the nose (an homage to Super Bad).
We both laughed for some time. We continued to cuddle all morning. I didn’t care if I stayed in bed all day. I was happy.
We were interrupted by a call from his roommate. I’d already learned he was a really good friend, and he liked to placate his friends. While he was on the phone, I took out my camera and snapped a few pictures of him lying naked in my bed. I don’t think he realized what I was doing because he had his back to me, but I wanted some souvenirs to take home with me.
Turns out, his roommate wanted to go to the grocery store that afternoon. They share groceries, so he regrettably turned to me and told me he had to go with him that afternoon before we went hiking. I was very disappointed, but I wasn’t going to make a stink about it. I quickly hopped in the shower and got ready for the day while he packed up his things and got dressed. As we walked out the door, I pointed out the Marilyn Monroe portrait saying, “My week with Marilyn.”
I drove him home and dropped him off. I was already sad to see him go even though I knew it was a matter of hours before I’d see him again. I grabbed some lunch and made my way back to the pool. I relaxed with some light reading. I needed to finish off the Tickle My Tush book so I could write my review.
When most of the afternoon passed by and some noisy kids arrived at the pool, I texted him to see how he was progressing. He was on his way home, so I decided to go get ready to go hiking and make my way over to his place.
I pick him up, and we take a short drive to the base of the mountain. I grab my camera and we make our way up the trail. When we get to a decent height, he suggests we climb back down part way and hit up another trail that had a much better view. We were having fun just being together. On our way back down, he pointed out a shack along the trail: “I wanted to surprise you, but this is going to be where we live when we get married. :)” While he said this, he took hold of my arm. I knew he was completely kidding, but it was also a sweet gesture.
When we got to the top of the other trail, we had quite a view. We could see LA and Burbank off in the distance. He took my camera from me and took some pictures of me. Again, I thought this was a sweet gesture, as were many things he did. He was just very conscientious. You didn’t have to ask him to do things; he just anticipated it. I was falling for him more and more every minute, but I still maintained my mental state.
I then turned the camera on him and snapped a few pictures. I wanted to remember the great guy I met in LA. I hoped we’d remain friends even after I returned to New York. It would certainly be nice to have a friend on the West Coast. Maybe I could even come back to visit some time.
We climbed back down the mountain and made our way to Burbank. We joked about PDA. We both agreed we weren’t really into it, but at one point he casually reached out his hand and grabbed my junk while looking the other way. I pointed out to him that just because he wasn’t looking at it doesn’t mean other people wouldn’t see it as well. We both laughed and continued to joke about other things. We walked around for a little bit and grabbed some ice cream. He was cold, and I was trying to do my best to keep him warm without making him feel uncomfortable. That’s when he broke the bad news to me.
He’d already prepared me for the possibility he’d have to go to work that night at 1:00am. He was on call, and they hadn’t gotten back to him yet. He needed to go home and nap before that shift started.
My heart sank a little. He wouldn’t be spending the night in my bed again. I needed to be a big boy about it though. I drove him back to his apartment and said goodbye. We talked about seeing each other the following day since it was my last day there; I had a flight out at 10:00pm.
I returned to my hotel room and watched TV in my bed. I knew he was napping, but it was make or break for me to ask him if he would come with me for my ride up the Pacific Coast Highway. After debating for some time, I decided to text him: “Lonely here without you already 😦 haha. What are the chances you’d wanna ride up the PCH with me after work tom?” I really didn’t want to take that ride alone. I loved his company, but I seriously feared a disappointing answer.
The Navigator wouldn’t let me down like that: “LOL. I know. I wish I were cuddling with you!!!!! That sounds like a swell idea.” I was thrilled. I was prepared for the worst, and I got the best. I was looking forward to tomorrow’s road trip so much more now that I had my Navigator! “Marylyn Misses you too,” I added.
Shortly after that text, he requested I send him some pictures of myself. “You’re most handsome ones,” he added. “Whom are you showing me to now?” I asked. Apparently, he wanted to show off his “super long first date” to his roommate and his other friend.
I was pretty crazy about him, but reality wasn’t absent from my brain. It did, however, bring a big smile to my face to know he was showing me off to his friends. It made me feel special and gave me hope I would have a longtime friend from what started as weak Grindr banter…Follow @onegayatatime
After realizing PR wasn’t the one for me, I was ready to move on. I liked him a lot, but I felt we’d be sacrificing ourselves to stay together, and that’s not fair to either of us.
Wednesday night after work, we made plans to meet down near his neighborhood for some cocktails. I let him pick the place, and he told me where to meet him. When I arrived to the corner where he was, he immediately came off as shy. We shook hands and introduced ourselves, which always feels forced and awkward for me. I sometimes wonder if a hug may be more appropriate considering we’re about to embark on a date, but I never have the guts to go in for it from the start.
We walked towards the bar he had in mind while we struggled to make small talk. I asked him about his day and how work was. In turn he asked the same questions, and I detailed my boring day at the office.
Finally, we arrived at the establishment, The Dove Parlour and took our seats on two bar stools on the corner of the bar. We ordered our drinks and returned to our awkwardly forced conversation. Again, we returned to the topic of work. Every question I asked him was returned with a quick short response. It was like pulling teeth to keep the conversation going. There were long periods of silence I wasn’t sure how to deal with.
When we finished our second drink, the bartender approached and asked if we’d like another. This is where I failed miserably. This is why I’m too nice. I defaulted to him, expecting him to have felt as awkward as I did, but instead, he asked for another round. I was shocked. Did he think this date was going well? How could he?
I sat there and struggled to find a subject to continue to talk about over the next round of drinks. I was ready to leave, but I felt I’d be rude. I was in for another night of wasting my own time due to my lack of confidence to say, “I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to go.”
I ended up staying for two more rounds — Four in total. Things were slowly improving. As the drinks passed his lips more words finally came out the opposite direction. He was finally starting to hold a real conversation. The topics were nothing exciting, but at least it was bearable.
By the end of our fourth round, he wanted a kiss. He moved in to make a move, and I allowed it. It’d been a while since a man kissed me, but I wasn’t entirely weak in the knees from it. He really did have soft lips and was a good kisser, but that didn’t negate the fact that our date was not going well.
He beckoned me to change stools so we weren’t straddling the corner. He wanted me to be closer. At this point, he wanted a makeout session. I wasn’t having any of that. I don’t make out in bars (not unless I’m hammered and don’t know any better, and the last time I did that was with a woman).
I told him I thought it was bad manners to make out at the bar. I pointed out how it always turns into a spectacle, especially when it’s two men kissing each other. He pointed out the lack of people in the bar and asked if I wasn’t comfortable with my sexuality in public. I pointed out if he was a woman, I’d feel the same way. There’s never a need to make out at the bar. Take it outside. This was going to be a point we differed on, because he did not stop attempting to convince me to lock lips. This is when I basically told him to back off. It wasn’t going to happen.
When we were ready to leave, he decided to walk me to the PATH — The complete opposite direction of his apartment. He was going to take a cab home and mentioned something about his supervisor paying for it.
When we got to the PATH station, he took the opportunity to pin me against the fence so he could have his makeout session. Again, I’m too nice and too accommodating, but at least he was a good kisser. It was an amazing change of pace from the night before, in which my “date” tried to eat my face.
Finally, I pulled back and said goodbye. He mentioned his desire to meet again in the near future, and I left that door open for possibility (seeing the too nice trend beginning here). When I got to the other side of the Hudson, I had a text waiting for me: “In spite of being terrified, I had a really good time! Hope to see you soon!” I simply responded, “Terrified?” “Oh, I have panic attacks before dates,” he added.
I didn’t respond, but in the morning, I had another text waiting for me: “Those French Lavenders (the drinks he was having) pack a punch. Sorry :/” I simply put his mind at ease and said, “No worries.” That would be the last I would hear from him. I was happy to skip all the awkward texts and requests. He simply took the hint I wasn’t interested and moved on…Follow @onegayatatime
Finally feeling empowered again, I called my friends who also had the day off. We decided upon sunbathing on the pier in Hoboken. Ten pounds lighter (from not being able to eat) and one hot new bathing suit later, I was feeling sexy again. All I needed was a sexy tan to boot.
I arrived early, and as I lad my things out, I decided to write this entry while the emotion was still fresh. I sat down with my notepad facing west until I realized what I was missing. I had the cityscape 180 degrees away, and I wasn’t taking advantage. I turned around, literally changing my perspective, but in the process, I immediately changed my figurative perspective as well. This immense city lay before me in all its grandeur — the land of opportunity. The possibilities were endless.
I began to think, so many men and so little time. I’m 27. However, in gay years, I’m 1. This is my paradox. I’m ready to settle down to something concrete. Nearly 26 years of turmoil set the stage for all of this. I want a real relationship. I’m ready for love. True love. But like I just pointed out, I was still a gay baby. For me, I needed to be single. Not dating to find Mr. Right, but single. I needed to find my true gay self. Should Mr. Right come knocking, I wouldn’t be stupid and leave him standing on the porch or fight him off. But, I needed to stop trying to find him. It had to happen naturally. He would come to me when the time was right.
I spent the days leading up building a new roster. It’s amazing. All you have to do is open yourself up, and men will come flocking. I was back to using Grindr to find men, not just passing time. The floodgates were open. Men from everywhere were throwing themselves at me. It was utterly flattering and just the ego boost I needed to get back to my old self.
As I sat, I also debated what I would say to N. After talking to many of my friends, they couldn’t believe I didn’t want to go off on him. That would be the expected reaction. But, I was better than that. I already felt vindicated. I had hard proof my mistrust was justified. I not longer felt so manipulated. Even if he didn’t act on his desires, he was seeking out the company of other men. If it could have happened, I’m sure it would have. Consequently, I was so angry with myself for letting a man make me so upset. But that was over. He broke my heart, but I finally moved on.
So, I prepared the following monologue. I know it never goes as planned, but I wanted to prepare my thoughts at the least. I had a lot to say.
“I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t trust you anymore. The time you spend at the gym, especially after you told me what goes on there. The time you spend on Grindr ‘talking’ even in front of me. No one is ever on there just talking. Talking leads to things. How do you think we met? And after seeing you kiss that guy at the bar. And yes, I saw you kiss him. And even if you want to deny that, you were still exchanging numbers. All I could think about the rest of that night was how many other guys you were grinding on and kissing before I arrived at the bar. You’re not ready for a relationship, and I’m no one’s booty-call. I deserve so much more than that! Especially after how much of myself I’ve given to you. I hope we can still be friends, but I can’t continue down our current path.”
After talking with my friends on the pier, I planned what I would say when he denied everything. Not if, but when. I debated saying, “N. I have friends on Grindr.” But, my friends vetoed that. So my next suggestion was. “N. I know you haven’t been honest with me,” and leave it at that.
Now, I just had to wait to see him so I could have this conversation. However, I would not get the opportunity that night…Follow @onegayatatime