Posts Tagged Hoboken
Cloudy with a Chance of Depression
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on September 12, 2011
After the day on the lake with D, K, and D’s girlfriend, we all decided to go out for Mexican. It seemed this had become my new favorite cuisine considering I had it twice in the days prior on my date with Pillow and the Fire Island bartender. At dinner, I was scolded for being on Grindr. I really tried to limit my time spent on it when I was with friends, but it was a catch 22. If I spent time with them, I was not in a location where I could meet guys. We always went to straight bars. And, I was fine with this. In fact, I preferred it, but my friends would have to be tolerant of my Grindring.
I told D, “Just pretend I walked away from the group to talk to a guy when I’m on Grindr,” because that’s essentially what I’m doing. He suggested I physically walk away, but that was not something I was going to agree to. I asked him to be more understanding. I wish there is an easier way for me to meet men and still spend time with my heterosexual friends, but I have yet to find it.
After dinner and a quick pit-stop at a friend’s apartment to show face at his party, we made our way to the new Hoboken Biergarten. I wasn’t exactly in the most cheerful spirit. That morning, I never got a response from Pillow regarding his attendance to the lake. He didn’t take the time to text or call. I was starting to wonder if he just wasn’t into me. We had a great date the day before, and his texts following acknowledged that. But, I just had a feeling he wasn’t putting as much effort to get to know me as I was putting in to get to know him.
That night at the Biergarten, I noticed he was on Grindr. I’m not exactly sure why I sent him a message, considering he didn’t respond to my text messages, but I did. “Hey stud,” I sent. He responded, “Hi.” After not getting back to me at all, that’s all he had to say? So I said, “Did you go to Musikfest today?” His only response: “Yeah.” Well, that was over. So much for small talk. I said, “Well, have fun.”
After that, I figured I wouldn’t see him again. He obviously wasn’t interested, and it really started to get to me. I had been going on dates for a month and a half since breaking up with N. And, I went on A LOT of dates, almost all of which were failures. I thought this guy had a lot of potential, and I thought we were starting to click. I thought this was finally a success. He was part of an elite group — One of five guys with whom I’d gone on a second date with. Ever. I was feeling really low, and it showed.
A majority of the night, D looked my way and asked me why I was so gloomy. I told him I just wasn’t in a cheerful mood. He said, “I love this group, and I’m having a good time. Snap out of it. We’re having fun!”
I didn’t want to be a “Debbie Downer,” so I figured I’d step away from the table for a bit to try to clear my head. I had a hankering for a cigarette, so I went in search of someone from which I could bum one. I found a Good Samaritan who was willing to part with a cigarette. I relished every puff as a few raindrops fell on my skin. It was working it’s magic and relaxing me. I took the time to people watch. Everywhere I looked, I saw couples. Everything the cigarette gave me was just ripped from me, and I was back to feeling depressed. Dating was really starting to get to me. I’m a catch! Why couldn’t I find a good guy to realize that?
I went back to the table and tried to put on a happy face. I was successful for some time, but I was fading fast. I snuck away again to hunt for another cigarette. After I finished it, I walked home with two of my friends. I explained my issues to them both. They tried to console me, but I don’t think anything short of Bradley Cooper or Matthew McConaughey asking for marriage would have cheered me up.
When I got home, I poked around on Grindr. I found a guy who was two blocks away and looking for a good time. There was one issue — We are both tops. I told him we could just fool around and invited him over. He was an older man in his mid-thirties, but very attractive and had a great body!
We both undressed and had a good time. When we both had our fill, he began to get dressed. He expressed how much he enjoyed himself. He casually mentioned the possibility of a repeat, but we never exchanged numbers, so it would be completely left up to chance. Yet another casual encounter to add to my list.
This was the challenge I faced. I constantly wanted the instant gratification I knew I could conger up on-demand, but I also needed to stop destroying my emotional state following each of those casual encounters with men. It was a delicate balance, but I needed to figure it out so I would stop feeling so awful about my dating life…
Follow @onegayatatimeFire Island Bartender
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on September 8, 2011
I always get particularly excited when a new guy pops up on Grindr who happens to live in Hoboken. I have pretty much blocked all the gay men in Hoboken, so when a new one pops up, I notice.
One in particular messaged me and was pretty cute. In his pictures, he looked like he had a good body and seemed very nice and genuine. After we chatted a few times, we exchanged numbers and switched things over to texting.
He told me he was a trainer at NYSC, but he was on hiatus while he got a certification. In the meantime, he was working as a bartender on Fire Island. He was gone almost every Thursday through Monday. This made it very hard to find a time to meet up, but eventually we figured it out.
We decided to meet on a Tuesday evening at a Mexican restaurant in Hoboken, Charritos. I had only ever heard good things but had never been. He made a good choice. He spent the day out in the burbs of New Jersey at his friend’s pool, and he was late getting back because of rain and flooding. When he finally showed up in his ripped jeans, finely quaffed hair, tight T-shirt and leather bracelets, I knew this date was doomed from the start.
The night before I was warned about this guy. While talking to N, I learned they knew each other in passing. N had seen him working at the gym and told me he was quite effeminate. I became skeptical but open-minded at that point, but when I met this guy in person, the second he opened his mouth I was turned off. On top of that, I noticed how filled out he was. He was supposed to be a trainer. I would never go to a trainer who was that pudgy and couldn’t follow their own advice.
We sat and had a very nice dinner. We talked about coming out and our families’ reactions to the news. We chatted about work and what we do for fun. The conversation was nice, but there was no spark. He just kept looking at me with this big smile like he wanted to gobble me up. I got the feeling he was a bit lost in the world. He was openly gay, but I’m not sure if he knew how to navigate life with men. I shouldn’t talk, because I have no idea what I’m doing, but he seemed like his GPS was slightly off.
After dinner, he asked if I wanted to grab another drink somewhere. I obliged, but I should have ended the date then and there. I knew better. I clearly wasn’t interested in this guy and had an out to go home, but I felt bad for him. I felt like he needed a friend, so I stuck around. We went around the corner to Sushi Lounge and sat at the bar. We each ordered a round and continued our conversation.
Somehow the topic of the rainbow came up as a symbol for gay culture came up in conversation. I explained just how much I despised the rainbow. He was flabbergasted. He didn’t know how to react. I explained it was not something I embraced. I could understand why some people need a symbol to hold on to, but I was making every attempt to not let my homosexuality separate me from the rest of the world. I am a normal ordinary man who happens to like the company of other men. I don’t need a rainbow to broadcast who I am. On top of that, I find the rainbow aesthetically unpleasing. I could tell I really turned him off by all this, but he wasn’t going to argue.
Then the conversation turned to previous relationships. I told him about the two I had been in and the duration of each. He told me I had a longer relationship than any he’s ever had. When I asked him why, he asked the bartender for another drink. He was a broken gay man. I felt bad for him, but certainly no attraction towards him. I thought maybe I could be his friend.
After we split our tab, I walked him home. Much to my surprise, he invited me up. I have NO idea why I agreed, but I did. We sat on the couch with some wine while we watched one of the music channels. We got into a conversation about Lady Gaga. I told him I found her very inspirational and really got behind her message and what she stood for. He told me he was over her. We obviously were going to but heads, so I was about ready to leave.
At that moment, he took my wine glass, took off my shirt, and started kissing me. He was an awful kisser. All over the place. I did not want to be there making out with him. I did however feel he needed to be kissed. So, I suppose you could call it a pity kiss. After a short while, I told him I needed to go home. I had work the next day, and it was getting late. I said goodnight, and with that I was gone.
I made it as far as the bottom step of his apartment stoop when I realized I left my umbrella in his apartment. There was no way in hell I was coming back to this place to get it, nor did I really want to see him again after that night. So, I rang his apartment. He buzzed me in, and I went back up to get my umbrella. When I walked in the door, he pushed me back into a chair and mounted me. Apparently he wasn’t done. I immediately told him I needed to go. I only came back for the umbrella, not an encore. That’s when I really realized he only wanted me for my body. We didn’t have that great of conversation all night and disagreed a lot. We were obviously not compatible for a relationship, but maybe he was just horny. I was slightly offended and made my way home.
He immediately texted me: “Had a great night with you.” I didn’t respond immediately, but in the morning I texted: “I had a good time too.” After that, I was done with him. I was pleasant, but I didn’t give him hopes of a second date. He would not be a repeat offender. The next day he texted, “How was your day at work?” But, he would not get anything back from me. Once again, it was back to the dating pool…
Follow @onegayatatimeWeekend Hookups
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on September 6, 2011
Just when I was doing well and turning my back on my whorish ways, I got sucked back in. At work Friday I received another one of N‘s annoying, yet typical messages that pushed my buttons. I was still coming off the high from Wednesday’s successful date. He always knew just the right moment when I wasn’t thinking about him at all to poke his finger in my face with a sarcastic comment I was just expected to slosh off as a joke. On Thursday, through my blog, he managed to figure out who I had sex with while we were dating. He sent me a screen grab of his Grindr and asked if I recognized him. On Friday, he apparently wasn’t done talking about it and felt the need to bring it up again.
I had a half day, and I wanted to do something with it. N p*ssed me off, and I was in the mood for sex. I sat in Herald Square on my Grindr to see if I could stir something up. No dice. It was time to go home and pull up some porn.
When I got home, I went thought my daily routine of checking my messages on adam4adam.com. I had quite a few. One in particular was a very muscular man who lived nearby and happened to be online. We chatted a bit and unlocked our pictures for each other. He seemed like a really nice guy, and we were thoroughly horny at this point. So, I invited him over later that evening when my roommate would be out.
I can remember around the time I came out when I was talking to a guy in San Francisco. He used to have random guys come over for sex periodically. This blew my mind. It was inconceivable to me. I’m sure to some of my readers feel the same way. But now I was that guy. I’m not saying I’m not ashamed of it by any means. But it has become an easy way for me to get off, and it’s something I need to stop doing. Just not that day.
After my roommate went out to dinner, the guy from a4a came over. He came into my room, took his shoes off and hopped into bed with me. We were making out until both our shirts came off and our naked chests were pressed together. He felt so good. He was an older guy, but he was in great shape and everything was tight and muscular. We pleased each other orally and then moved on to penetration. I pulled out a condom and he begged for me to enter him. It was great sex. His smooth body was better than I expected. I was able to make him finish without even touching himself. We both really enjoyed ourselves.
Afterwards, he hopped in my shower and washed up. When he was getting dressed, he commented on how great he thought my body was. He was pleasantly surprised I lived up to my pictures, and suggested we make this a regular thing. I wasn’t opposed to the idea, but I was still making an effort to turn over a new leaf. At least with him, it wouldn’t constantly be a new or random guy.
The next day, I went to the beach. He started texting me, “Damn bro. Don’t usually text next day, but in the shower fully hard thinking about yesterday. HOT!” It was just the ego boost I needed. He added, “Anytime you want a repeat. So close n convenient too!” This was also followed up with a myriad of sexy pictures. I scolded him for getting me excited on the beach when there was nothing I could do to alleviate the hormones.
When Sunday morning rolled around, my roommate went out with my sister for brunch, leaving me home alone. I texted my new friend with some amazing benefits to come over for another visit. Of course, he obliged. We were having yet another sexy romp when we were interrupted by the sound of my roommate coming into the apartment. He was fully aware of what I was doing, but I didn’t exactly feel comfortable with him hearing us. I suggested we move to the shower, and Mr. Smooth agreed heavily.
We turned on the hot water and had a hot wet time. We both finished with fireworks in the shower. When I toweled off, I checked my messages and noticed my roommate tried to call numerous times and left a text message. He just left to go surfing at the beach without me. I managed to call him and convince him to come back to get me. He was only ten blocks away. I started to rush Mr. Smooth. I felt bad, but we both knew what this was. I got dressed for the beach in one minute flat, and he quickly put his clothes back on.
As we walked down the stairs, he grumbled about the walk of shame in front my roommate, but was over it right away. As I drove to the beach, I sent a text message apologizing for the circus, but also complimented him for yet another hot time in bed. He was fine with it all.
Maybe I would keep this one around for lonely times, but I would also try to find the strength to find a real man to be my boyfriend and stop with the hookups altogether…
Follow @onegayatatimeExcuse Me Mr. Officer
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 29, 2011
I left OCMD at 8:00am. My sister drove me back to Hoboken, and we made great time. I also managed to ramble off a few blog entries on the drive. So much for getting caught up while on vacation, but at least I was somewhat productive. I spent so much time hooking up and working on my tan, there was little left for anything else.
When I arrived home, I unpacked, but not before turning Grindr back on. There were more than a few guys I was courting before I left for vacation, and I wanted to touch base with them. I either texted them or waited until they were in Grindr range.
One guy I wasn’t expecting to touch base with again was a local police officer. Originally when I started talking to him, it took a lot to get that information out of him. He and I sparred verbally on Grindr a few weeks earlier. He had a day off and had tossed around the idea of meeting up. When push came to shove, he wouldn’t meet up.
This time, he was a black box with no picture and he messaged me out of the blue, “Hey. It’s [X] the cop. Wanna meet up today?” Apparently, he was in the area and had some free time between errands. All I had to do was unpack and grab a few groceries, so I obliged. He wasn’t giving me any ideas as far as what we were going to do. I told him he could come over and hang at my apartment, but I was a little worried he would take that to mean hookup. I also suggested taking a walk. Finally, I suggested we grab a coffee and maybe take a walk along the waterfront. Within ten minutes, he was at my apartment. I hopped in his car and shook his hand. He was a cut little hispanic boy who wore his hat on the very top of his head. He even had the cute gay slight hispanic lisp. I found it endearing. We chatted a bit in the car until we found a parking space near Starbucks.
When we ordered our coffee, he tried to insist on paying for me, but I wouldn’t let him. There was no need for him to pay. I’m stubborn that way when it comes to money and people paying for me.
After we got our coffees, we took a stroll along the water. We talked about his precinct and what it means to be an officer of the law. He told me about his partner and their dynamic. He seemed like a really nice down-to-earth guy, but I didn’t feel a spark there. I enjoyed his company, but could not see a relationship between the two of us.
The conversation turned to family and then evolved into his ex-boyfriend. He explained how it ended and how devastated he was when it did. My heart broke for him a little. I don’t know why, but I’m a sucker for heartbroken guys — Big soft spot for them. When our walk was over, we hopped back in the car and he drove me home. He had errands to get to, and I needed to get myself ready for my date that evening and to go back to work the next day after a week away.
Based on our interaction, I didn’t think he was all that into me, but I sent the text message, “It was nice meeting you.” He responded, “It was nice meeting you too.” In my mind, that was the end.
Almost a month later he texted me, but it was completely in the context of a hookup. When I called him on this, he tried to spin it as friends with benefits. It was 11:00 on a Monday night, and he wanted me to travel to his place. He wanted sex, and nothing more. That’s fine. I’m not judging, but I also wasn’t into the hookups so much anymore. The conversation was very blunt and polite. But, if we hung out again, it would simply be as friends, or possibly from a phone call for him to come get me out of trouble…
Follow @onegayatatimeWaste-a-Date
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 24, 2011
The time came for me to start going through the roster at a better pace. I was going to meet these guys for dates and slowly widdle the list down to a quality few. I started with the guys I’d been talking to the longest and worked my way up from there. I knew their patience was probably waning, so I figured it best to start there.
One specific torso had been talking to me for weeks. He was very busy when we first started chatting with a move to a new apartment. We chatted sporadically but never seemed to nail down plans.
I messaged him on Grindr and asked if he was available to go out that week. Surprisingly, he was available that Wednesday. We made plans to grab a drink after work and take it from there. He seemed like a really nice guy and was eager to meet me. His torso shot on Grindr also proved he had a great body!
I started off that Wednesday on the wrong foot. I left the house in the morning and got half way to the PATH before I realized I forgot a belt. It was going to be a long day of me constantly pulling up my pants. Not a good day.
When work ended, I decided to walk up to the neighborhood in which we were going to meet. It was about 20 blocks and 3 avenues — nothing I wouldn’t normally walk. However, it was much more uncomfortable without a belt to keep my pants up.
We met in front of his apartment. He came down and was dressed in what I describe as spunky gay — tight striped tank top and tight straight-leg shorts. I already knew he was not going to be my type. On top of the fact that he was about 5′ 6″ to my 6′ 2″. I wasn’t going to completely write him off, but it wasn’t looking promising.
We chatted while we walked to Therapy, a bar around the corner where we could grab a drink. He had a thick hispanic accent, and at times, it was difficult to understand him. This was going to be a long date. On second thought, this was going to be the shortest date ever!
We sat upstairs at a table and ordered a round of drinks. We had NOTHING in common. We went to completely different bars, we were into very different things, and he said he doesn’t really go out much. We couldn’t have been more polar opposites. The date was very awkward and uncomfortable, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. He asked what I had planned for later. I told him my roommates and I make dinner for each other every Wednesday, and they would be very upset with me if I skipped. This was a complete lie, but it was my out to leave after we finished the first round of drinks.
I excused myself to go to the restroom. I felt like I wasted my evening on this wet noodle of a man, so I wanted to see if I could salvage the night. I texted the next guy in my Grindr roster to see what he was up to. I couldn’t wait for a response, so I told him I’d be up for hanging out if he was around. I walked back up to the table and asked my “date” if he was ready to go. I paid the tab, and we walked down the stairs. I complained about all the old men ogling me as I descended the staircase, but he told me he was turned on by it and got off on it, reestablishing our differences.
I walked him home, and we talked about future plans. He was aware I was going to Ocean City, Maryland with my family the following week. It was an excellent out to not have to call him again. He mentioned the possibility of grabbing a movie when I returned. I told him it was a possibility, but I knew it wasn’t. I would never call or text him again. I gave him a hug and said goodbye.
As I walked to Port Authority, I pulled out my phone to see if the second Grindr guy responded. He told me he was having dinner with a friend. I offered to hang around a little while longer if he would be available later, but he suggested we do something some other night. With that, I chalked the night up to an utter failure and hopped on the bus back to Hoboken.
When I got home, I pulled up Grindr. I messaged and was messaged by some quality guys to beef up the roster. I was back to my old self. But this list was filled with guys I wanted to date, not just have sex with. I was turning over a new leaf, or so I hoped…
Follow @onegayatatimeThe Ex’s
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 23, 2011
Still reeling from the high of a hot successful lunch date, I was pleasantly surprised that evening by the return of my belongings from N. Before he came by, I made sure I looked great. I threw on a tight tank and some gym shorts. I had been going to the gym and beach a lot and wanted to show him how good I looked. Little messed up? Ehhhhh probably… Don’t judge. We’ve all been there.
After letting him in the door, I returned to sitting on the couch. He came and sat to chat a bit. We discussed how things were going and made small talk. It was nice. We were being pleasant. I was shocked too. Not once did something catty come out of his mouth. It appeared both of us finally moved on. This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. He couldn’t stay long. He handed me my clothing to check if he got it all. It appeared he did. I put the clothes down and he came in for a hug. It was nice. I liked hugging him. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. I cared about him. I feel people are too afraid to hug these days. He even turned his head and gave me a peck on the cheek. It was very nice.
He wouldn’t be the only ex I would see that night. I had plans to see the second half of the final Harry Potter installment with Broadway. We watched the first half together right before we broke up, so I thought it would be nice if we finished the series together. He agreed.
True to my own style, I was exceptionally late. He asked me to get to the theater early to hold seats for us. It was a late showing, but it was also a new movie. The theater would be crowded. As I was running to the theater, I was texting him to calm his nerves. If we didn’t have great seats, he would wait to see it another time. This was important to him. It also bothered him because this was something I did all the time when we were dating. I have a hard time being on time for things, “but at least I’m consistent,” I joked.
I got into the theater and found us seats. He arrived shortly into the previews, and we sat back for the movie.
Earlier that day, he invited me to crash at his apartment after the movie since it ended at 1:00 in the morning. I graciously accepted since I knew how easy the commute from his apartment was. I also knew he was dating someone, so there wouldn’t be any temptation for funny business from either of us. I had no desire to revisit that past, but the thought crossed my mind wondering if he would.
On the walk home, we talked about our dating lives. I told him about all my failed dates, including the self-centered dermatologist. He updated me on his drama and the recent end of his relationship with the guy he was seeing. We were both in the same boat. It was interesting too, considering months earlier he said I wasn’t a priority in his life. I wasn’t mad about that. I was happy to see him moving on and trying to find a man. I just found it interesting.
Since the last time I spent the night in his apartment, they had done some major remodeling. It was nice to finally get to see all the hard work he put in to the place. I was happy for him. When we were both too tired to keep our eyes open any longer from talking, he set me up in his empty roommate’s bed and went to sleep.
I was just happy we could be good friends and share a movie together. We talked about going out to the bar together. Now that we spoke about seeing other men, he would be able to see me hitting on a guy at the bar. We were in a good place. It gave me hopes for N and I. I was finally making great progress with the two men who used to rule my world…
Follow @onegayatatimeUnhappy Ending
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 19, 2011
I woke Sunday morning and decided my time with Mr. Grindr was over. N was still trying to get with him, and that was a whole lot of drama I didn’t want to get into. I was disgusted by the whole thing. It reminded me constantly of the time I cheated on N just for the sake of evening a score. It reminded me of how much less of a man I was. I didn’t need it. Plenty of other fish in the sea. I think I kept him on the roster for so long as I did because I felt guilty for dragging him into the middle of N and I.
Since no one was in town, I did what I could to clear my head. I don’t do well alone. When I’m alone, I have nothing to distract me. I star to crawl up into my own head, and I don’t like what I find. I get depressed. I know this isn’t healthy, but denial is a wonderful thing! I decided to head down to the pier in Hoboken with a few magazines and my notebook to catch up on my blogging.
Of course, I couldn’t leave the house without my matchmaker, Grindr. And once again, I found myself spending more time searching and less time writing. I managed to reconnect with a guy I had been chatting with on an earlier day. He was a sexy black man from Jersey City. I have nothing against black men, but they’re not usually my type. However, I don’t discriminate, so I convinced him to come to the pier and hang out with me.
I had been in the sun a majority of the day and was enjoying myself. I sat and people watched and read Men’s Health and Details. He showed up a few hours later. We shook hands, and he sat next to me. We started with small talk, but as the day progressed, the conversation developed more substance. We shared a great deal in common. He looked like quite the athlete as well. He had nice arms and great legs. He kept his shirt on while we sat in the sun. I found this slightly odd, but to each his own. I just wanted to see what was under the shirt.
When I couldn’t take any more of the sun, I asked if he wanted to grab a drink. I was enjoying his company a lot. He seemed like a great guy. We packed up my blanket and other things and walked to nearby Trinity to sit by the waterfront and have a few cocktails. I hadn’t had lunch, so I ordered a large salad. We both got drinks outside our usual comfort zones and shared with each other. It was nice. We were having a good time. Eventually, he ordered some food as well.
I was pleasantly surprised. This was a completely last-minute unplanned date, and it was turning out to be quite good. I was also finding myself more and more attracted to him. He had an amazingly infectious smile.
After a few round of drinks, we took a walk along the waterfront. I hit a bit of a snag in keeping the date going. It was starting to get late, so I wanted to head back to my apartment, but I also wanted him to join me. But, I had my motorcycle and only one helmet. When we arrived at my bike, I explained the predicament and invited him to come back. I would have to ride home, and walk and meet him half way to my apartment. He agreed, so I sped off.
When we got to the apartment, I opened a bottle of wine, and we went out to the balcony to relax and keep the dialogue going. When 11:00 rolled around, he was ready to head home. I invited him to stay. He knew I was no longer interested in simple hookups. I made that clear early on, so he questioned my logic. I told him, “After spending the day with you, I feel comfortable and would like you to stay.” He graciously agreed, and we started making out on the balcony. After some time passed, I grabbed his hand and brought him back to my room.
The clothes came off, and that’s when I got a bomb dropped on me. All of a sudden, I knew why the shirt stayed on at the pier. While his legs and arms were quite toned and muscular, his mid section was very flabby. It was almost as if he had lap band surgery and hadn’t completed the skin restructuring. When I grabbed for his ass, it felt like a Ziploc of water. There was absolutely no muscle definition there. He wasn’t kidding when he told me he was a mathlete in high school, and not the football player I pictured him to be.
I’m sure I’m coming across very shallow at this point, but sexual attraction is 40% of a relationship for me. This was 40% I couldn’t get over. I can be very forgiving about a lot of things on a guy, but this was tough. I had been with a guy before who had this issue, but it was very slight. I looked past it. Tonight, I could, but this guy would not be back for seconds. I liked him a lot, but I was no longer sexually attracted to him. We still fooled around, and he spent the night with me, but I couldn’t picture myself repeating the night.
In the morning, we woke and got dressed. I explained how he could get to the light rail to head home. We kissed and he invited me to hang out again. He said I could come hang at his pool sometime. I appreciated this. He really was a nice guy. I could easily see us being friends, but we certainly would not be romantically involved. I gave him a kiss goodbye, and with that, he walked out the door.
Follow @onegayatatimeDéjà vu
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 17, 2011
Thursday night, after my usual volleyball game, I grabbed my roommates and took them to my favorite local watering hole. It was going to be the perfect drama-free night I needed. We were gonna have fun! I invited N, but he had plans to go to dinner with friends and said he had to be at work at 6am.
However, we arrived at the bar only to find it DEAD. No one was out. We didn’t let that get us down. I took the opportunity to introduce the new roommates to all the bartenders, bouncers and even the manager. I went to this bar every weekend, and they treated me like family. I wanted my roommates to be shown the same love. The bartenders poured us drinks all night, and we all got properly drunk. We were also dancing up a storm with the five other people in the bar.
All night long, I was getting texts from Mr. Grindr. He was out and wanted to know what I was up to. Turned out, he was at the bar next door. I told him to come by, but he didn’t. When it was about closing time, I told him to come over to my apartment. He was a little weirded out because I was walking with my roommates, but I told him they were cool. He met us when we were halfway to the apartment. I hung back from the roommates and chatted him up on the walk home. He wanted to know why I wasn’t calling to hang out. I said the same thing back to him. If he wanted to hang out, he could just as easily pick up the phone and call me. I wasn’t all that thrilled about hanging out with him, but I wasn’t opposed to exploring the benefits of being friends.
When we got back to my room, of course the conversation started to revolve around N because he was texting him once again while he laid in my bed. For some reason, Mr. Grindr felt the need to show me some of the texts N was sending. One jumped at me. It said “baby boy” in it. Another little piece of my heart broke at that moment because that was something N called me all the time. I thought it was a term of affection he used towards me, but apparently it also went for guys he was trying to have sex with. Looks like I was simply one of those guys after all. When Mr. Grindr didn’t respond to the texts, N responded, “Well. Have fun with whoever you’re with.” Mr. Grindr suggested a threesome at this point. “If you think that’s happening, you’re nuts!” I responded.
Mr. Grindr told me he felt weird again because he had been talking to N before he even met me. Once again, I imagined they would have hooked up sooner if both weren’t in the closet to their roommates.
We started hooking up and things got hot. We had sex multiple times that night. At one point, he tried to insert himself with great force without any preparation. I’m not a fan of being a bottom to begin with, but this was unbearable. I nearly flung him off the bed and ran into the bathroom to make sure I was alright. That certainly was not going to happen again. I decided right then and there, that was going to be a prize possession only a special few would receive in the future.
In between sessions, we had a conversation about him staying or leaving for the night. We also somehow got on the topic of his parents being in the middle of a divorce and the issues it was bringing up for him. He was drunk, but the conversation was getting heavy beyond my comfort zone. He also mentioned something to the effect of him wanting to invite me to his brother’s wedding in the coming week. I quickly changed the subject because that was NOT going to happen, and I had no idea where that came from. We ended up both falling asleep and him spending the night. He certainly liked to cuddle and spoon. The next morning, he woke up and had to rush home to get ready for work. I texted him after he left, mentioning us grabbing a drink a the bar sometime, and he agreed. This was the last time I saw him, and I don’t plan to see him again. He carried a lot of baggage I didn’t want to get into.
I hopped on Grindr to see who messaged me overnight. I noticed N was signed on and only a few feet away. So much for being at work at 6am. He didn’t owe me an explanation, but he was starting to really show the pattern of a pathological liar. I don’t know why he even felt the need to lie. He could have said, “I don’t feel like going to the bar tonight, but thanks.” I would still try to be his good friend, but trust would always be an issue between us.
Ironically, I found solace through this whole breakup in a Beyoncé song. I found the lyrics exceptionally poignant. If you’ve gone through a recent breakup, I highly suggest listening to it.
The next day I felt myself feeling empty from my recreational sex. I spent 26 years masturbating. It was nice to have sex on demand, but it was emotionless and empty. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I needed to change. I decided then and there I wanted to find a boyfriend, and I needed to stop trying to fill the void in my life with meaningless sex.
That weekend, many of my friends went away. N went down to the Jersey Shore, and I was jealous. I was unhappy and lonely. I needed to learn how to be alone again. That night, I went to bed and had many dreams about men and Grindr. This proved it was consuming my life. I needed to cut back, or I would become one of the gay men I despise so much…
Follow @onegayatatimeA Role Reversal
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 16, 2011
After all the drama between N and NC, I still hadn’t heard the end of it. These two really knew how to get under each other’s skin after one awkward hookup. I think it’s because they pretty much are the same person. I didn’t quite get it. But I also had nothing to do with it, so I didn’t need to get into it.
“I’m extremely p*ssed off at that prissy prick,” N typed to me. I told him he shouldn’t let it get to him. It’s over. He’s just one person. “I can’t stand him!” he replied. I tried to console him by telling him, “Well luckily you don’t have to deal with him anymore… You blocked him and he’s in another state.”
We changed the subject to talk about the night before. He asked how yoga was. I explained that yoga was cancelled, so I went out for the night. “Where’d you go? Get sh*t-faced? A date ?!?!?” he asked. I told him I just stayed in Hoboken, and I was trying to curb my drinking. “Gonna ignore the date question?” he replied. Quite frankly, I was ignoring the date question. It was none of his business. I recognized our situation and the heightened sensitivity, so I didn’t feel the need to get into it with him. Why did he need to know so badly if I was on a date. So I decided I was going to test the waters. I wasn’t on a date at all. I went to the movies with my good friend D. But, there was no reason I couldn’t insinuate a date. I wasn’t lying. I wanted to know where N’s head was at.
“Sorry… Didn’t see the question. I dunno what you’d call it,” I said, playing dumb. Then he decided to dig deeper: “Did you guys go out or did you go over his house?When I got home and turned my phone on I saw you were on Grindr. You were a # of ft. farther than your house.” Wow! Was he stalking me now? I know I did the same thing before, but I never let him know that until we broke up, and I used it as information to get him to tell me the truth about what he was doing and where he was going when we were still dating. “Are you Grindr stalking me?” I asked.
“R E L A X,” he answered. Trying to keep things light, I said, “Hahahah. That was said with a smile.” I have to admit, I was having a little fun here. We were broken up a week now, and I was enjoying witnessing him go through some of the same crap I went through weeks earlier. “When I’m home, you’re usually the first/second guy to show up from my favorites,” he said, trying to make an excuse for himself. I told him I didn’t go to his house, and I didn’t meet him on Grindr. I didn’t really appreciate all the comments he was making about me on Grindr lately, however. I know his sarcastic style, but he should have known how they would be received in our relationship’s climate. “You’re starting to make me sound like I’m a Grindr whore…” I stated.
Then he got defensive and said he never assumed we met on Grindr or went to his house. This is where the conversation started going downhill fast.
Me: But you asked if I went to his house…
N: So? You’re the one that told me you went to someone’s house the last face to face we had, so I asked.
Me: Haha. That wasn’t the last face to face we had. And I never said I went to someone’s house. And, if I recall you told me you went to someone’s house in the same conversation. Wait… Sorry. That was catty. Please ignore that. That has no relevance in this convo. Sorry.
N: Yeah, you can eventually be a catty c*nt when we’re further away from what we just went through and better best friends, but now — calm down the CCness. But don’t apologize.
Me: I don’t ever want to be a catty c*nt. Not who I am. I really didn’t mean that. I don’t know why I even brought it up. Just seems like you were asking a lot of ?s. So anyway… How was your last night?
Once again, I found myself trying to change the subject to something more neutral. It was frustrating we had to go through this every time we talked. I hoped desperately things would change, and we would get to a civil place. I wanted to be his friend. I liked his company and enjoyed spending time with him. He was a great guy to be around. But, he did a lot of sh*t to hurt me, and I would need to learn not to resent him if this was going to work. Hopefully, with time, it would.
He brought the conversation back to my night out: “So tell me about this guy… If we’re going to be friends…” I really didn’t want to tell him about it, even if I really did have a date. I said, “We’ll get there… We’re not there yet. Sorry.”
I asked him how his day was going, and he complained about his boss. “Other than that, a guy at the gym freaked me out by walking into my shower and me going to the front desk in a towel about it…” he said.
WHAT!? This could only happen to N. I never heard such stories from someone about the gym, especially in Hoboken. Was I that naive to the gay world. Was all this crap happening right under my nose? Or was this not the norm and something that happened only to people who provoked such behavior. I asked if he ever interacted with the guy before? “Maybe I looked at him while working out once? He was older and Spanish,” he responded. It was completely creepy. I’m learning more every day how often this sort of behavior happens, but it is still a complete turnoff for me. It made me quite glad I don’t make eye-contact at the gym and have never witnessed any behavior like that. “Your stories have made me never want to go to the downtown Hoboken gym again! I exclaimed. “I’d feel dirty just walking in the door.”
I told him I don’t quite get it. He didn’t really have a “gay air” about him, and it’s not that he wasn’t attractive. But still, how do they know he’s not straight and going to turn around and deck them. I feel I’m at least fairly attractive, and no one ever acted this way towards me. His response: “I guess I look at guys? Maybe he’s seen me on Grindr?”
At this point we both went to lunch, but later in the day, I got another message from him. “Thanks you tall ass bro you. Going on dates with boys…. Psssshaaa. LOL. JK. I’m being silly because I’m in a food coma.” REALLY!? Are we still really not over me going out with one guy. At least I knew where things stood, even if there never was a date to begin with. He was fired up for some reason, but he wasn’t explaining why. And then he did.
He typed, “Btw. I’m gonna send you a picture, and I don’t want you to respond to it. I just want you to know that I took offense to it. I’m not judging you or holding it against you.” Just then he sent me a passage from my blog. “Sorry I couldn’t do it for you, and you had to resort to your spank bank. And our sexual chemistry? Are you kidding me? I don’t want to talk about it. I’m over it.” He was insulted because I said we didn’t have a perfect sex-life.
I reminded him this was something we discussed earlier and suggested we discuss it again because he was reading it out of context. I said, “Things weren’t always perfect… We were 2 tops… Not easy for either of us to ‘take’ for example.” He interrupted me and asked that we not talk about it, but I wasn’t on board with that. He didn’t get to say his piece to me and then drop it. He had to let me explain. I told him it wasn’t fair. He jumped in and said, “Um…. What’s not fair is referring to our intimate relationship for all the world to read, regardless of not disclosing any personal name information.” I reminded him of our earlier conversation about this and how he didn’t care if I continued to write the blog. “At the time I said that I didn’t think you and I were going to be in the position we are now. Fine, continue,” he said.
I began again: “It takes time to build sexual chemistry. We were learning what turned each other on. We were exploring. The sex was good.” He asked me to try to explain the context of resorting to my “spank bank” to get me over my “final hump,” why we didn’t have “amazing sexual chemistry,” and how I thought he “felt the same way.” “All the while no less than one paragraph right before you go on to explain one of the best Os of my life,” he added.
I began once again, “Ok. The spank bank… We talked about this. You talked about thinking about the best porn that turned me on when we were hooking up. That’s what I was doing. When I was with you I was always there. Always in the moment. Did I have to think about how hot it would be if we hooked up in a locker room shower like I had seen in a porno sometimes? Yes. Yes I did. I don’t want you to think I wasn’t enjoying having sex with you. To be honest, if it wasn’t good, we prob wouldn’t have been having it nearly as often.”
He interrupted, “Well, I’ll tell you that’s the way you come off. And, I don’t really want to think about it anymore.”
I told him, “You’re taking offense to it, when it’s just the reality of beginning to have sex with a new person. You have to learn from each other and find what makes the other guy go crazy. That is all I meant by that comment. If I didn’t like having sex with you, do you think I would have tried to drag you to my room last week? That’s all I’m going to say about it… I just wanted you to let me explain.” He responded, “Thank you for explaining. This topic is closed from my perspective now.”
We talked some more, and I tossed out the idea of going out to dinner some night, just as friends. He responded well and said that would definitely be something he’d be interested in.
Of course, he didn’t bring my clothes over that night once again. Also, that night it was my turn to stalk him on Grindr. He wasn’t home like he said he was going to be. Later, I found out he went to dinner with a friend. He probably did something with his “friend” since he didn’t seem to come home according to Grindr, but that was no longer any of my concern. And it didn’t bother me one bit (other than I wanted my clothes back).
And me. What was I doing? For the first time in months, I went back on manroulette. I felt pathetic. How did I resolve myself to that site for so long. That would probably be the last time I visited the site, if even just for the sake of my ego.
Follow @onegayatatimeStuck in the Middle with You
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 15, 2011
Just when I thought I removed myself form the drama between N and NC, I got sucked right back in.
NC and I had grown a bit closer since he moved away. I forgave him for all the roommate games he played, and he became one of my confidants. I don’t have many gay friends, so I try to hold onto the few that come into my life.
NC told me he was going to confront N about deleting him on Facebook. “Effin [NC] messages me. What a joke,” N gChatted to me. I told him I already knew, but I also told him I knew he sold me out to NC. “I said that I deleted him bc we’re not friends. Friends don’t lie to other people about their friends. He asked how he lied. I said ask you and ask [his coworker], because I’m not getting into it with him. That it’s not worth my time,” he retorted.
It’s fine if he had beef and didn’t want to deal with him, but he didn’t need to throw his coworker and I under the bus. “But, now you drug me into the middle of it cause he’s asking me how he lied,” I said. “Sh*t!” he exclaimed. “I didn’t even think about that when I said it. I was just so taken back by his gall that I just said it without thinking. I’m sorry. F! I didn’t even think of it.”
I was very annoyed with him. Damn right he didn’t think of it. He didn’t think at all before opening his mouth. “Ughhhh! I managed to repair things with him… Cause I’m a forgiving person… Hopefully this blows over…” I typed. It was damage control time. I was legitimately worried NC would be p*ssed at me for opening my mouth. Luckily, NC wasn’t phased by any of this, and somehow I managed to smooth things over with NC fairly quickly. But, I wasn’t going to tell N that right away. Let him feel bad for a little after dragging me into the drama.
N started texting me. “In a meeting but cant get over this. I’m very sorry I brought you up! I got very aggravated and lost my collectiveness for those moments.” Good. He felt really bad. What he did was wrong. I did my damage control, but what about his coworker? When he came back to his computer, he felt the need to elaborate on the full story. I pretty much already knew it from NC. I was already moving on to talk to Boston in the background. My one sane outlet in the gay world. My gay guru. I was filling him in on all my drama, and I could just picture him shaking his head in disapproval.
N elaborated, “I said ‘Just know you shouldn’t lie to people about things you do with others or the way interactions go on between you and someone else. It’s unattractive and makes you look like an as$hole.’ His response: ‘So is taking bathroom pictures of yourself of your new “beach-ready?” body and using it on facebook… Get a life dude. Your such a drama queen.’ Am I offended? Kinda. Does it bother me? A little. Am I drama queen? IDK.” Once again, he delivered a very off-color insult I didn’t need to hear.
I needed out. This was not my battle. I needed to get back to Switzerland status. He continued to talk, “I said ‘LOL. Good luck in life. Hopefully you’ll finding Mr. Right Now in Atlanta. How did you “repair” things with him and what was there to repair?’ ” I told him I needed to go so I could finish my work and make it to yoga. I already checked out of this drama long ago. He mentioned he would come to yoga that night. It would probably be good for him to calm down after all this drama. He also promised to bring over the clothes he borrowed from me after yoga.
Of course, he neither showed up to yoga nor brought over my clothes. Flaked once again. The next morning, I got a text explaining, “Hey you. I didn’t get in until 1:30. I went out for my friend’s birthday. I’ll bring them over tonight if you’re not busy. I’m batting 1000 with you.” Yea… he really was. This friendship thing wasn’t really working for me, but I would just sit back and be patient for the drama to end.
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 