After all the drama between N and NC, I still hadn’t heard the end of it. These two really knew how to get under each other’s skin after one awkward hookup. I think it’s because they pretty much are the same person. I didn’t quite get it. But I also had nothing to do with it, so I didn’t need to get into it.
“I’m extremely p*ssed off at that prissy prick,” N typed to me. I told him he shouldn’t let it get to him. It’s over. He’s just one person. “I can’t stand him!” he replied. I tried to console him by telling him, “Well luckily you don’t have to deal with him anymore… You blocked him and he’s in another state.”
We changed the subject to talk about the night before. He asked how yoga was. I explained that yoga was cancelled, so I went out for the night. “Where’d you go? Get sh*t-faced? A date ?!?!?” he asked. I told him I just stayed in Hoboken, and I was trying to curb my drinking. “Gonna ignore the date question?” he replied. Quite frankly, I was ignoring the date question. It was none of his business. I recognized our situation and the heightened sensitivity, so I didn’t feel the need to get into it with him. Why did he need to know so badly if I was on a date. So I decided I was going to test the waters. I wasn’t on a date at all. I went to the movies with my good friend D. But, there was no reason I couldn’t insinuate a date. I wasn’t lying. I wanted to know where N’s head was at.
“Sorry… Didn’t see the question. I dunno what you’d call it,” I said, playing dumb. Then he decided to dig deeper: “Did you guys go out or did you go over his house?When I got home and turned my phone on I saw you were on Grindr. You were a # of ft. farther than your house.” Wow! Was he stalking me now? I know I did the same thing before, but I never let him know that until we broke up, and I used it as information to get him to tell me the truth about what he was doing and where he was going when we were still dating. “Are you Grindr stalking me?” I asked.
“R E L A X,” he answered. Trying to keep things light, I said, “Hahahah. That was said with a smile.” I have to admit, I was having a little fun here. We were broken up a week now, and I was enjoying witnessing him go through some of the same crap I went through weeks earlier. “When I’m home, you’re usually the first/second guy to show up from my favorites,” he said, trying to make an excuse for himself. I told him I didn’t go to his house, and I didn’t meet him on Grindr. I didn’t really appreciate all the comments he was making about me on Grindr lately, however. I know his sarcastic style, but he should have known how they would be received in our relationship’s climate. “You’re starting to make me sound like I’m a Grindr whore…” I stated.
Then he got defensive and said he never assumed we met on Grindr or went to his house. This is where the conversation started going downhill fast.
Me: But you asked if I went to his house…
N: So? You’re the one that told me you went to someone’s house the last face to face we had, so I asked.
Me: Haha. That wasn’t the last face to face we had. And I never said I went to someone’s house. And, if I recall you told me you went to someone’s house in the same conversation. Wait… Sorry. That was catty. Please ignore that. That has no relevance in this convo. Sorry.
N: Yeah, you can eventually be a catty c*nt when we’re further away from what we just went through and better best friends, but now — calm down the CCness. But don’t apologize.
Me: I don’t ever want to be a catty c*nt. Not who I am. I really didn’t mean that. I don’t know why I even brought it up. Just seems like you were asking a lot of ?s. So anyway… How was your last night?
Once again, I found myself trying to change the subject to something more neutral. It was frustrating we had to go through this every time we talked. I hoped desperately things would change, and we would get to a civil place. I wanted to be his friend. I liked his company and enjoyed spending time with him. He was a great guy to be around. But, he did a lot of sh*t to hurt me, and I would need to learn not to resent him if this was going to work. Hopefully, with time, it would.
He brought the conversation back to my night out: “So tell me about this guy… If we’re going to be friends…” I really didn’t want to tell him about it, even if I really did have a date. I said, “We’ll get there… We’re not there yet. Sorry.”
I asked him how his day was going, and he complained about his boss. “Other than that, a guy at the gym freaked me out by walking into my shower and me going to the front desk in a towel about it…” he said.
WHAT!? This could only happen to N. I never heard such stories from someone about the gym, especially in Hoboken. Was I that naive to the gay world. Was all this crap happening right under my nose? Or was this not the norm and something that happened only to people who provoked such behavior. I asked if he ever interacted with the guy before? “Maybe I looked at him while working out once? He was older and Spanish,” he responded. It was completely creepy. I’m learning more every day how often this sort of behavior happens, but it is still a complete turnoff for me. It made me quite glad I don’t make eye-contact at the gym and have never witnessed any behavior like that. “Your stories have made me never want to go to the downtown Hoboken gym again! I exclaimed. “I’d feel dirty just walking in the door.”
I told him I don’t quite get it. He didn’t really have a “gay air” about him, and it’s not that he wasn’t attractive. But still, how do they know he’s not straight and going to turn around and deck them. I feel I’m at least fairly attractive, and no one ever acted this way towards me. His response: “I guess I look at guys? Maybe he’s seen me on Grindr?”
At this point we both went to lunch, but later in the day, I got another message from him. “Thanks you tall ass bro you. Going on dates with boys…. Psssshaaa. LOL. JK. I’m being silly because I’m in a food coma.” REALLY!? Are we still really not over me going out with one guy. At least I knew where things stood, even if there never was a date to begin with. He was fired up for some reason, but he wasn’t explaining why. And then he did.
He typed, “Btw. I’m gonna send you a picture, and I don’t want you to respond to it. I just want you to know that I took offense to it. I’m not judging you or holding it against you.” Just then he sent me a passage from my blog. “Sorry I couldn’t do it for you, and you had to resort to your spank bank. And our sexual chemistry? Are you kidding me? I don’t want to talk about it. I’m over it.” He was insulted because I said we didn’t have a perfect sex-life.
I reminded him this was something we discussed earlier and suggested we discuss it again because he was reading it out of context. I said, “Things weren’t always perfect… We were 2 tops… Not easy for either of us to ‘take’ for example.” He interrupted me and asked that we not talk about it, but I wasn’t on board with that. He didn’t get to say his piece to me and then drop it. He had to let me explain. I told him it wasn’t fair. He jumped in and said, “Um…. What’s not fair is referring to our intimate relationship for all the world to read, regardless of not disclosing any personal name information.” I reminded him of our earlier conversation about this and how he didn’t care if I continued to write the blog. “At the time I said that I didn’t think you and I were going to be in the position we are now. Fine, continue,” he said.
I began again: “It takes time to build sexual chemistry. We were learning what turned each other on. We were exploring. The sex was good.” He asked me to try to explain the context of resorting to my “spank bank” to get me over my “final hump,” why we didn’t have “amazing sexual chemistry,” and how I thought he “felt the same way.” “All the while no less than one paragraph right before you go on to explain one of the best Os of my life,” he added.
I began once again, “Ok. The spank bank… We talked about this. You talked about thinking about the best porn that turned me on when we were hooking up. That’s what I was doing. When I was with you I was always there. Always in the moment. Did I have to think about how hot it would be if we hooked up in a locker room shower like I had seen in a porno sometimes? Yes. Yes I did. I don’t want you to think I wasn’t enjoying having sex with you. To be honest, if it wasn’t good, we prob wouldn’t have been having it nearly as often.”
I told him, “You’re taking offense to it, when it’s just the reality of beginning to have sex with a new person. You have to learn from each other and find what makes the other guy go crazy. That is all I meant by that comment. If I didn’t like having sex with you, do you think I would have tried to drag you to my room last week? That’s all I’m going to say about it… I just wanted you to let me explain.” He responded, “Thank you for explaining. This topic is closed from my perspective now.”
We talked some more, and I tossed out the idea of going out to dinner some night, just as friends. He responded well and said that would definitely be something he’d be interested in.
Of course, he didn’t bring my clothes over that night once again. Also, that night it was my turn to stalk him on Grindr. He wasn’t home like he said he was going to be. Later, I found out he went to dinner with a friend. He probably did something with his “friend” since he didn’t seem to come home according to Grindr, but that was no longer any of my concern. And it didn’t bother me one bit (other than I wanted my clothes back).
And me. What was I doing? For the first time in months, I went back on manroulette. I felt pathetic. How did I resolve myself to that site for so long. That would probably be the last time I visited the site, if even just for the sake of my ego.Follow @onegayatatime