Posts Tagged hard to get
Last Minute Regrets
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 9, 2011
After my awkward date with Smiles, I felt I needed some change. The date was uncomfortable and the goodbye was lack luster.
Two guys had been reaching out to me on OKCupid, so I took the time to respond to them and try to set up a time to grab drinks. I shot them a text to see if they was available the following evening.
One of them, a guy who happened to go to the same college as me, responded informing me Wednesdays were the only day during the week that really worked for him. He was taking graduate courses, so he was quite busy.
The other guy texted me back to explain he was most likely available to meet for a drink when he finished work, but was unsure when that would be. He is a financial planner, so his hours are somewhat sporadic. We planned to touch base again at 5:00 the next day.
I had a lot of regret after setting up this date, but I tried to proceed with an open mind. All my friends encouraged me to date more people and not put all my eggs in one basket. I was finally following their advice. Smiles wasn’t exactly being the warmest towards me, so no harm, no foul.
When 5:00 arrived, the regret came flooding in. I didn’t want to meet up for drinks. I felt like I was cheating on Smiles. The planner sent me a text explaining he would be working late. He asked if I could meet for coffee at 9:30. I agreed, and sat with my guilt. It was already bothering me, and I didn’t even go out for the drinks yet. What if he tried to kiss me? What if he really liked me? What if I really liked him? This just goes to show you shouldn’t make quick irrational decisions.
As it got later, I got more nervous about the date. Not because of the date, but because of what it would mean for Smiles and I. I didn’t want to betray him. We hadn’t talked about exclusivity yet, but I was hoping we were moving in that direction.
I received a text that calmed my nerves completely. He had to cancel because he got called back into work. I was off the hook. I’m very grateful he cancelled on me, because the guilt would have really gotten to me. It’s just who I am.
I began to examine my relationship with Smiles. There were times he was completely affectionate and a total sweetheart. He really made me happy during those times. Probably far more than he realizes. I really enjoyed spending time with him, no matter what we were doing. On the other hand, when he would ignore me or not take me into consideration, I felt like such a small man. It really hurt to feel he wasn’t feeling about me the same way I was feeling about him. I wanted him to adore me the way I adored him at times. I felt like he always kept me at a safe distance. Not so far that I leave him, but not too close that I could ever hurt him. If we were going to proceed together, he was going to have to make himself more vulnerable and let me in.
I felt like I was part of his second life. He had his friends and acted one way with them, but when he was with me, he was different. He never integrated the two lives. Always separate. This is the reason I broke up with Broadway.
All this also helped me realize I needed Boston back in my life to talk me out of these crazy ideas. He is my sanity. I let my mind run wild after one bad date. He was always someone who could put me back on track and give me a strong dose of reality, not what my mind was conjuring up. However, he isn’t the easiest to get ahold of since he’s in he final year of school.
Smiles wasn’t talking to me much, so I would wait until he felt the need to talk to me. I didn’t go on the date, but I wasn’t exactly running back into Smiles’ arms. I was going to play hard to get a little bit…
Follow @onegayatatimeBack On Top
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 30, 2011
In unrelated news, I came across this video from my fellow blogger, http://www.ty-curious.com/. He shared it with me, and I think it’s spectacular. Totally safe for work! Hope you like it! Take the time to check out his blog too. Great guy!
On with the story…
After my ride back to Hoboken, Smiles and I chatted on Facebook.
He described his drunken night involving too much Patron and a lost iPhone. He hadn’t had a chance to track it down, so I offered my assistance to make some phone calls for him. He was grateful, but had it under control. While he described his night, I described my time out in the sticks with no power or technology. “Yeah… It was a real Amish paradise,” I said.
Once again, I had to facilitate plans with him. He typed, “Okay. Off to go get food. I’m starved.” I quickly replied, “What are you doing later?” I knew it would be difficult getting ahold of him the second he signed off for the day. It’d been a while since I’d seen him, and I was anxious to do so. “No plans, although I may go back to the bar tonight for a Halloween thing,” he declared. I wish he had the same desire to see me to invite me without provocation, but I’ll take what I can get. “Wanna try to get together later?” I asked.
“Jump on the bike and come over and have brunch with me,” he finally stated. I explained the bike was snowed in with a dead battery, but I told him I’d meet him for brunch. I quickly made my way into the city to meet him at the Christopher Street PATH station. I arrived well before him and waited for him to show. I couldn’t call to find out what was keeping him, so I tried to occupy myself with my phone.
When he finally arrived, I wasn’t greeted with a kiss. I could have initiated the situation myself, but again, I was still in the mindset to play a little hard-to-get. We walked to a nice brunch spot neither of us have tried before, Barbuto. It was great. We got a nice seat next to the kitchen, which in most situations is a bad thing, but in this case, was entertaining.
Smiles ordered a beer after wavering between that and a bloody mary to help cure his hangover, and I ordered a glass of red wine. We took the time waiting for the food to arrive to catch up with each other. He was a little quiet, but I had plenty of stories to tell from my time home. We talked a bit about his family as well, and I started to get a better picture of the dynamic going on there.
Our food arrived, and we were both very pleased with the results. After we paid our tab, we decided to walk around a bit since the weather was so gorgeous. We walked to Doma Coffee Shop to grab coffees while we walked around. We had no plan for our day. After we grabbed caffeine, he turned to me and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I was just happy to be out, and it didn’t matter to me what we did. We started to walk around aimlessly. When we came upon Pleasure Chest sex shop, he suggested we pop in. This wasn’t the first time walking into a sex shop with him. I was game.
We looked at all the toys in the place and even asked one of the workers there to explain one of the feminine toys to us. We had more than a few laughs as we perused the store.
We spent the rest of the afternoon walking around SoHo looking for hats to replace the one he lost. I was happy to spend the day with him. We did some shopping for other things while we searched for hats. While I was checking out to pay for the flannel shirt I picked up, I could see in his eyes he was exhausted. He was fading fast. He suggested we go back to his place to take a nap. I myself wasn’t feeling very sleepy, but I rather liked the idea of napping with him.
We got back to his place and climbed into bed. I put on my new flannel and got comfortable. Surprisingly, I passed out rather quickly. He, on the other hand had a hard time falling asleep.
Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. After about an hour, we were both awake. He turned to face away from me, so I decided to make a move. I engulfed him in my arms and spooned with him. After some time passed, I gently began caressing him all over and slid my hand between his thighs. I began massaging him until he turned his head back to kiss me. It was on — FINALLY! Things only got more passionate from there. It wasn’t long before he pulled out a condom, put it on me, and climbed on top. I was finally getting my turn as top dog (even though I was on the bottom). The sex was good, and I enjoyed having sex facing him with the lights on. However, once again, he finished, and I wasn’t able to.
Embarrassment came flooding in. I was very attracted to him, and I enjoyed the sex, but something underlying wasn’t allowing me to relax and fully enjoy the moment. I was very close, but I just couldn’t get over that last hump (no pun intended). This wasn’t the first time this happened, but it certainly didn’t make it any easier to deal with.
After sex, we both showered and cleaned up. He had plans to meet friends at his favorite restaurant to say goodbye to a bartender friend who was leaving for another restaurant. I was a little curious why he didn’t extend an invitation, but I didn’t want to dwell on it. We made some progress, and I wanted to concentrate on the positive. I was doing my best to play hard-to-get, but I really liked him. I wanted this to continue. I wanted to get to know him more. I wanted to be closer to him physically. I wanted him.
We got dressed and walked towards the PATH and Extra Virgin, where he was headed. When we reached a crossroads, we said goodbye with a quick kiss and went on our separate ways.
Later that night, I got a message from him complaining about having to go to the bar to see if his phone was found. I sympathized with him and wished him luck.
When he got back from the bar, he messaged again to tell me he had no luck. I felt bad for him, but selfishly, all I could think about was how hard it was going to be to get ahold of him without a phone. The next couple of days would pose an interesting challenge.
Follow @onegayatatimeThe Game — Hard To Get
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 29, 2011
As predicted, Monday was the day from hell. We had a huge pitch on Tuesday morning, so it was constant work until the end.
There was already no chance Smiles and I would see each other. However, we did get to chat on the phone briefly. He had to do work with his film, and I would be working until the wee hours of the morning to finalize the content for the pitch. I didn’t end up leaving my office until 1:30am.
I really wanted to see him Tuesday. I wasn’t going to be around the rest of the week, and whenever I have a long work pitch or long work trip, I look forward to decompressing with a sexy guy, even if it doesn’t involve sex. I asked him if we could do something, but he already made plans.
I was heading home Wednesday for my grandfather’s funeral. It was going to be a while before I got to see him again, and I was really disappointed. Things were really getting strained between us, at least on my end. We weren’t having sex as often as I’d like, and I was constantly on a roller-coaster of emotions. Smiles would pay a lot of attention to me and make me feel great, and then retract and shy away from me. I didn’t know how much more I could take it.
I decided I was going to play hard-to-get. I wasn’t going to text or call at all. If he still wanted to see me, he was going to have to put in the effort. I was at my emotional breaking point.
This was no easy task for me. I struggled with it. I carried my phone with me everywhere I went in case he tried to call or text, but it was silent. Part of me wondered if he thought it was a very personal family time, and he just didn’t want to bother me. But, the bigger part of me thought he had other things with which he was preoccupied.
Finally, Thursday he texted me to see how I was doing. It was progress. He was texting to check up on me, and I appreciated it. I texted him back after some time passed.
When Friday came about, he called and left a message. It was impeccable timing. I was just about to walk into the funeral parlor when my phone began ringing. After the viewing, I stepped out from the family gathering and called him back. We had a nice conversation.
The following day, I went to the funeral. Afterwards, I came home. I have awful cell service at my parents’ house. I finally managed to get signal by using the Wi-Fi. Ironically, right after I texted him, we lost power in the snow storm, so if he responded, I couldn’t read it if I tried.
I was home with no power, no internet, no phone and no TV. It had snowed about a foot outside, so we were trapped. On top of it, I was missing the Halloween festivities with my friends back in Hoboken. I wasn’t heartbroken about that, but I was disappointed. Instead, I spent the day shaking snow off trees so the branches wouldn’t break.
I was really feeling ignored overall by Smiles. The time away wasn’t a good thing for me. It was making me realize how little attention he was paying to me. I started to think about some of the other prospects I had spoken to. I could have pursued LES, but he was young and lived in an inconvenient part of town. There were a few guys who were still sending me messages on OKCupid. While I wasn’t seeking out anyone new, I maintained communication with them. I was now beginning to think about them as prospects. All I knew was I deserved better. Was I just jumping the gun? Was it still early with him? I personally thought we should have been over that hump, and if he was interested in me, he’d want to spend more time with me.
When Sunday arrived, my sister and I made our way back to Hoboken. It was a bit of an adventure with the snowfall and trees laying across the road. Once I got back to Hoboken, I hopped on Facebook. Smiles messaged me, and I learned he lost his phone. He told me about going out for Halloween and how he lost it. We made plans to grab brunch, and I made my way into the city. I didn’t forget about the lack of attention he paid me, but I tried to concentrate on the moment at hand. I was going to proceed with skeptical optimism. It was the only way I was going to keep my sanity.
Follow @onegayatatimePlaying It Cool
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 21, 2011
My weekend with Smiles was a decent one. I’m not self-destructive, nor do I get in my own way enough to think it was a failure or a bad weekend. Any time I spendt with him was progress, and it made me happy. But, I left the weekend feeling a little uneasy. I was denied twice in two days. Did he not find me attractive? Was he just thinking of me as a friend? Not knowing where I stood was eating away at me.
It’s obvious he was interested in me. But, it was his level of interest that worried me. We were in the beginnings of a budding relationship, or so I hoped. Things were supposed to be carefree and fun. The heavy stuff comes later. We should have been having sex like rabbits and dying to see each other.
I felt like I was constantly chasing after him. I got no indication he was interested in chasing me. But, maybe I wasn’t giving him the opportunity. Maybe I got so excited about him, I was constantly initiating our time together, and if given the chance, he would be asking me out on dates.
On Monday evening I texted him to see if I could spice things up with a little getaway. “Hey. What would you say to getting out of the city for a weekend?… Celebrate your birthday, just the 2 of us… Something totally low-key and relaxing like New Paltz, NY. Gorgeous this time of year too and not that far…” I thought if we hit up a bed and breakfast, we could find the time to get wrapped up in each other with no other distractions.
A big part of me thought this was a giant leap forward, and I was moving too soon, but another part of me noticed a little bit of stagnation. Things were getting a little stale. Maybe I needed to intervene to get us to that happy-go-lucky mindset.
Just as I expected, he safely replied, “Hmmm that sounds like fun, can I think on that one for a min? I’d want to be able to give you my full attention and I think with [work] this weekend, the [possibility of a new prospective work project] starting and the over two jobs with a bit of clock on them, I might not be totally present. Which wouldn’t be fair.”
I was right. Too soon, too fast. I didn’t want to cower and backtrack. I had to play it cool. “Certainly. Wasn’t exactly talking about this weekend. Was more thinking 3+ weekend out. Just wanted to throw it out on your radar,” I replied. I wasn’t lying. I was really just planning in advance.
He got my drift. I soon got a text back: “Ah. Ok. Sleep well. I’m crashing early tonight for a change.”
I decided to take some advice from friends and play a little hard to get. I stopped texting or calling. The next point of contact was going to be initiated by him. It killed me. I wanted to text so bad. I never went anywhere without my phone, waiting for him to text or call.
Tuesday went by without a word. I was in a bad place. I started having doubts about the whole thing. We were only a couple of weeks in, and he already grew tired of me. These weren’t good signs, and I started to really get down about it.
I decided, I wasn’t going to put myself back out there completely, but I was going to continue to put my ear to the ground to see what was going on out there. I started answering my messaged on OKCupid and chatting with a few guys. It was nothing crossing the line, but in a way, I was laying some groundwork if Smiles decided he was done with me.
Finally, on Wednesday, he texted me to ask me how my day was going. The exchange went back and forth a bit before simmering out. I was thrilled — Back on top. I recognized how happy I was, but I also recognized how dependent I am on others for my own happiness. This is an issue. I really need to learn to be more independent. It’s not healthy to need other people to that extent.
In our exchange, he invited me to come with him to a bar to watch a friend’s band the following night. I reminded him I had volleyball on Thursdays and couldn’t go. I really wanted to go, but another part of me was happy I had to turn him down. I have a tendency to drop everything for men I’m interested in. I needed to show I was independent as well.
Thursday went by, and we didn’t talk to each other during the day. On my way to volleyball, I texted him: “Thinkin’ bout you 🙂 .” He responded, “Good luck at your game!” It was nice he remembered I had a game. He was showing a vested interest in my life, which is always a good sign.
After volleyball, we texted a bit. He told me about how he didn’t get the project he was counting on for work. I knew it meant a lot to him, so I tried to console him as best I could. I knew he would be depressed for a few days as a result because he was really looking forward to it. I called him, and we spoke on the phone. I also took the opportunity to ask if I would get to see him Friday night.
Since he asked me to watch the band with him, I was satisfied he wanted to spend time with me, and I knew it wasn’t simply me chasing him down.
He had plans to go to a friend’s birthday party Friday night and talked about us going together as if we planned this long ago, and it was assumed I would be attending with him.
It appeared things were back on the upswing, at least emotionally for me. The question remained. Would we continue moving up, or was it only a matter of time before things started sinking again?…
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
