Posts Tagged AIM
Sick to My Stomach
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 26, 2011
Monday morning, I woke to the sound of my alarm clock. The night before, N entertained the idea of taking the day off or working from home, however, this morning, his tone changed. He rushed to get ready for work since he was late, as usual. While he got dressed, everything from the night before slowly bubbled up in my brain. My disposition changed as I realized the hell my relationship was in. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I gave him a forced smile as he walked out the door. I could tell by the expression on his face he knew how I was feeling.
Besides feeling like someone ripped my heart from my chest, I was feeling even sicker than the day before. My stomach was turning. I had so much work to do that day, but I couldn’t fathom going into the office. All morning, I was back n forth to the bathroom. I also realized sitting at home all day by myself with just my thoughts for company would be THE WORST thing possible for me at the time. The distraction of work would be a good for me, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know if I could make the walk to the PATH, let alone make it through the whole day, so I called in sick.
All morning, I curled up in a ball on the couch watching TV. I tried to eat a bowl of cereal, but after four bites, I felt nauseous. I really did a number on myself that weekend. I drank very heavily both Friday and Saturday well into the morning, as well as a few cocktails on Sunday, which was because I thought a little hair of the dog might help. NOPE!
After a while, I tried to fall asleep, but sadly all I could do was think about N. I started to tear up again, but refused to let myself cry. Finally, out of exhaustion, I fell asleep.
After some time, my roommate’s girlfriend came by. She was packing their things for their move to a new apartment. I needed someone to talk to, so I told her what happened. She gave me her take on the situation and offered advice. I didn’t fully agree with her on some things, but I knew she was right about most of it. It just wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I knew in my brain I needed to break up with him — the guy in which I had zero trust to be faithful to me. But, my heart was not in sync. It still wanted him — this great guy I met and integrated into my life so easily. I was torn. I knew if I just had hard proof, it would be the closure I needed to get over it and end things with him.
Nevertheless, I didn’t think our conversation was over. I didn’t have all the answers I needed, and if I was going to be treated like a second string booty call, this relationship was over. I asked him if he would be around that night since he couldn’t spend the day at home with me. He responded by telling me he completely forgot, until his roommate reminded him, he was going to her brother’s graduation party and would be spending the night. I would not see him for at least another 36 hours.
A big red flag went up in my head. Since I had no trust in him whatsoever, I began stalking him on Grindr. Was he meeting up with a man? Grindr would tell me how far away he was. I knew his job was 6 miles from my apartment. At one point that evening, he was 10 miles away, and then it jumped to 33 miles away. Of course, my brain racked over what the pit stop was. Did he stop at a Grindr friend’s apartment on the way to the party for a quickie? Who knew? This is was I was reduced to.
I was driving myself insane, so I took my frustrations out on someone who was bothering me for some time, Gatsbie69. The week before I met N on Grindr, I met what seemed to be the perfect guy for me also on Grindr. He was 28, and his name was Tim, or so he said. We talked for hours between Grindr and AIM. He emailed me numerous pictures of him and his hot body, but something never quite added up. Long story short, we discussed our lives and interests and matched up quite well. I was excited to meet him, except he always had an excuse why he couldn’t. Over two months, I did some research and came to find how much of a fake he was. I couldn’t figure out what he was getting out of this arrangement, and in my agitated state, I ripped into him that night on AIM. He denied the accusations, but with little fervor. When I finished telling him what an awful person he is, I made sure to make a full report to Grindr for impersonating someone else.
I needed to get out of my apartment. I was driving myself crazy. I texted my friends to see what everyone were up to. I didn’t care what it was. I just needed a distraction. K finally answered. I told her how much of a wreck I was. I explained my lack of appetite during the day (K knows how much I love to eat, so she knew how out of sorts I was), so she invited me over for dinner. I jumped at the invitation. I was at her apartment in five minutes. She made lobster ravioli, and I was able to stomach four of them. So if you’re keeping track, I had four spoonfuls of cereal and four raviolis. But, I couldn’t help it. The thought of food made me nauseous. At this point, I knew it was more than just a hangover. I was causing myself so much emotional distress; it was beginning to affect my digestive system.
I was stronger than this. I didn’t do this. This is not who I am. Why was I letting one boy’s folly tear me down? It was ridiculous! But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake it.
After dinner, I laid on her couch watching TV with her. We didn’t talk, but it was just nice to be with someone and watching mindless TV. She doesn’t realize it, but she really helped me that day. I haven’t felt that depressed in a long time, and I really needed a friend to be there. Thanks K!
When N posted pictures of the party to Facebook, I knew he actually went to the party. When it started to get late, I walked home. I didn’t want to keep K up, and I knew it would probably do me good to get more sleep.
When I got back to my room, I hopped into bed. My California King never felt so empty as it did that night. I know I didn’t want N in my bed that night, but I also know I didn’t want to be alone either. The nightmarish thoughts that were my love life ran though my head until I was finally able to doze off to sleep.
Stood Up
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 6, 2011
I’m not sure what it is about the gay dating world, but no one seems to have a sense of commitment. I can’t tell you how many times I tried to plan a date with a guy I clicked with on adam4adam.com or Grindr, and last minute, they either canceled, or just went completely dark. I have been cancelled on three times as often as I have gone on dates. I know the gay world is more prone to promiscuity, but c’mon guys! Lock it down. Either show up, or be man enough to own up to the reason why you can’t show up.
A little background about me: I’m a very nice and forgiving guy. You really have to screw me over to get me p*ssed off at you. I give countless chances to redeem yourself. I may be a doormat, but I have also found if you give people a second chance, you may be pleasantly surprised.
A few of the guys got more chances than others, quite simply because they were gorgeous. Even if we didn’t hit it off, I wanted to go out with them to just stare at them. Others fell by the wayside after a few attempts. I was getting to the point where I scheduled 2 dates a night because I knew one would back out last minute.
Like with dates, I give roommates more chances than they deserve. Since I moved to Hoboken, I’ve been a revolving door for roommates. I’ve had 11 roommates in 5 years at 2 different apartments. When the time came for my one of my roommates and I to find yet another replacement roommate, I turned to my tried and true friend, Craigslist. At this point, I could be a professional Craigslister. Not only have I written my own posts, but friends have requested I write theirs after their own return no quality results.
One respondent to my ad included his Facebook profile link. When I clicked the link, I immediately noticed how hot he was. He had an amazing body in his shirtless on the beach profile picture. As I scrolled down to the bottom of his info page, I noticed it said, “Interested in men.” I assume the Facebook link was his subtle way of addressing his homosexuality.
This was definitely a pleasant surprise. I was in desperate need of gay friends, and a new gay roommate could be a lot of fun. It would also make the coming out to a new roommate thing less awkward for me.
I reached out to him, and got no response. (Here is where my tenacious personality took over where most would have given up). I sent him an follow-up email explaining I was gay and thought it would be great to have him meet us and check out the apartment. Apparently that was the bait I needed to lure him in. We all clicked, he loved the place and agreed to move in.
When it came time to sign paperwork, all of a sudden, he backed out. He gave me an excuse about the possibility of his job transferring him to North Carolina in a few months.
Fast-forward 6 months later to me cruising Grindr. To my amazement, who do I find? Mr. North Carolina. I sent him a message just saying, “Hey. What’s up?”
He responded, “Hey man. Very hot! What’s going on?”
I debated whether to play games for a little while or to tell him who I was. I responded, “You know me btw…” And I told him who I was.
Ten seconds later, I received a text message from him, “You??? Damn, you look good man!”
We started chatting, and I asked him if he wanted to go out for drinks sometime. I was attracted to him physically, but after he bailed on living with me, unfriended me on Facebook, blocked me on G-chat and AIM and stopped answering my text messages, I wasn’t so sure he was relationship material. I wasn’t expecting anything to happen, but if it did, I probably wouldn’t fight it.
We picked a Friday to go out for happy hour drinks. When 5:00 rolled around, I texted him. Of course, I got complete darkness. No response. No explanation. Finally, I gave up and went home. I texted him on Saturday to see what happened. Instead of just being honest and texting me Friday to say, “Hey, I’m kinda tired. Can we reschedule?” he decided to come up with an elaborate story.
We still texted, but after the second time he bailed on me, I told him the ball was in his court as far as the next time we would hang out.
Later, he texted me about his awkward living situation in which his roommate was sexually harassing him. So, when I got the news of yet another roommate moving out, I reached out to him. He came to Hoboken for a barbeque at my apartment and to hit up the bar scene. We got along great. He agreed to move in. Just goes to show, if you give people another chance, they may surprise you.
Finally, I would have a gay roommate/friend/wingman. However, this of course would pose a whole new load of drama in my life, but that’s another post for another day…
Follow @onegayatatimeFinally Taking Boston Out for Steak Dinner
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 2, 2011
News flash: Started a new Twitter feed. Follow me @onegayatatime for up-to-date tweets about my gay dating life…
On with the show…
When the opportunity arose for me to accompany my company’s U.S.A. CEO on a speaking engagement at Boston College, I jumped at it. I would finally get to go visit Boston.
I reached out to him as soon as I heard about the possibility to see if he was available. I made arrangements to spend the night at his apartment if I was able to come up the night before the speech. I asked if I could crash on his couch. He told me how ungodly uncomfortable it was and offered to dust off his air mattress for me.
To be honest, in my head, I was considering the possibility of both options looking slightly old fashioned, and he would offer to share his bed with me. I certainly wasn’t expecting anything sexual to happen, but was not opposed to the idea of cuddling. In the meantime, I met San Francisco, and it became much more evidently clear Boston was not interested in a relationship.
The point of sleeping arrangements became moot when an overnight stay was necessary for me as far as the company was concerned. I booked a hotel room near his apartment and made arrangements to meet him after the speech for dinner. I was finally going to be able to make good on my offer to take him out to dinner, even if it was just as friends.
We met at my hotel and strolled along until we found a suitable restaurant. My CEO suggested Abe and Louie’s, so we ate there. We sat, and the conversation flowed like water downhill. We dove right in and got caught up on each other’s lives since we last saw each other in Miami. We had spoken online and on the phone, but there were more details to discuss.
I told him about the few dates I went on, the guys I was talking to on adam4adam.com, downloading Grindr, etc. He was a little surprised by my embracing of these social media as a way of finding suitable men. He told me about his dates and his love life. The whole time we talked, I was mesmerized by his smile and kept thinking how great his lips would feel again. I had to put the thought out of my head though. We were now good friends, I was interested in San Francisco and another long distance relationship should not be in my plans.
We stayed and chatted until we realized everyone else in the restaurant left. We both would have stayed there for another two hours if we could. When we walked back to my hotel, I probably should have invited him in since we both still wanted to chat longer. However, I had a 4:00am departure for the airport. I also wasn’t sure how he’d react to my inviting him in. Instead, we discussed him coming to New York to visit, we exchanged a nice hug and we went out separate ways.
Now, when I have a story to share with someone or just need to talk, I call Boston. Last time we were on the phone for almost an hour. He’s a great friend and couldn’t be more pleased to have him in my life.
I’m still looking forward to his visit to my neighborhood.
The Grindr Fill-In
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 26, 2011
TuesGAY late night cocktails…
Single life was looking less scary every day. I accomplished 2 dates in 2 nights. I was on a hot streak (at least for me). So far, one was a incompatible, and the compatibility of the other would be determined on a second date.
On Tuesday of that week, I planned to meet a guy who lives in Weehawken. We met on adam4adam.com, exchanged AIM screennames and had been chatting online for weeks. It seemed we were never able to set a date and time that worked for both of us. When I finally got his number, it was a lot easier to plan a date. The night before, we texted and decided to meet in Hoboken after work for drinks, a bite to eat or coffee, depending on how we felt at the time. We both work in the city, but since he had a meeting in Philly, we agreed to meet on the Jersey side of the Hudson.
Midday, I texted him to confirm our plans for the evening. However, that text was met with silence. I didn’t hear back from him until 5:30 when he told me he was in a meeting all day that ran over. He and his coworker were going to hang out until rush hour died down before heading home. By the time he got home, it was about 9:00 and he was beat. He asked to reschedule. I obliged.
At the same time I wasn’t hearing a response to my text, I was cruising Grindr. I happened to find a guy on there who lived in Hoboken and started chatting him up. Through our discussion, we realized we live a block apart. He asked if I wanted to grab a drink after work. I told him I was planning to meet a “friend,” but it was looking bleak. I asked if I could give him an answer later that evening. So, when Weehawken cancelled on me, I brought in the guy from Grindr as a backup.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not usually some big whore. I was totally new to this. I had a fear of this dating game and needed to face it head on. The only way I saw it getting any easier was by meeting a lot of guys.
So we met at a bar near our apartments (the same restaurant/bar I went to for Sunday brunch for a date). I arrived before him and grabbed two seats at the end of the bar. The second he walked into the bar, I predicted we would not be compatible. I’m not completely shallow, but you can generally tell pretty early on.
I wasn’t ruling him out by any means. I was going in with an open mind, but it wasn’t looking promising.
We began to chat about work and what we each did. The conversation wasn’t exactly flowing naturally. We talked about what we liked to do for fun. Both of us play tennis, so we talked for some time about that. As the date went on, my assumptions were confirmed. He was far too feminine for me, and we didn’t share a whole lot in common.
At this point, it’s 11:00 on a Tuesday. I asked him if he wanted to head out. We finished our drinks and I closed my tab.
We walked home to the intersection where we would head in opposite directions and said goodbye with a hug and a “European” kiss on the cheek.
When I got home, I received a text from him. “Nice meeting you tonight.”
To which I politely responded, “Likewise.”
I figured we were on the same page. We weren’t entirely compatible. I was wrong. He responded, “Maybe we can hang again?! You are funny and cute!”
I’m not sure what made me lose my nerve with this guy. He was very nice, but you should be honest with everyone. I guess I figured he wasn’t the type to hound me if I never got back to him, so I responded, “Yea, we could do that sometime.” I had no plans of ever hanging out with him again.
Needless to say, we have yet to see or hear from each other since.
The Office ‘Mo
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 19, 2011
When I myself accepted my homosexuality and came out to many of my friends, I decided I wasn’t going to come out at work. Much like my reasoning for not telling my extended family, I decided it wasn’t relevant to my work-life. Rarely does the topic of significant others arise in my department. When it does, I am probably thought of as the ambiguous bachelor.
I’m quite close with my coworkers. One of them described our department best when she said, “I love our dorm-room work environment.” Very few subjects are taboo. It’s like working in a Seinfeld episode. On the contrary, my boss is a born-again Christian. I’m not too sure how accepting of my lifestyle he would be. I’ve never given him the chance to prove me wrong, but like I said, it is not relevant.
While I was dating Broadway, it became necessary for me to tell coworkers I was in a relationship. Like my friends originally, I led them to believe I was dating a woman. I explained it as a no-strings-attached relationship to compensate for never bringing “her” around or talking about her.
After a while, I got to the point of needing to tell one of them. The lying was geting to me. On top of that, I spend 8+ hours a day there. I needed to talk about it. It’s my nature.
I have been working with my current officemate for 3+ years (at 2 different companies). She is very outspoken and lacks the filter many of us were born with (this also happens to be the reason why I love her). Many times, she said to me, “You better not turn out to be gay, or I’m going to have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do.” The first time hearing this, I asked her to elaborate. She told me it was because many of my coworkers have asked her about my sexual orientation, and she told them flat out I was straight.
While most times I appreciate her frankness, this got under my skin. I didn’t appreciate my sexuality being the topic of any conversation. So when I finally came out to a coworker, it wasn’t her.
Over the year I worked at my current company, I came to know and trust one of my coworkers. I saw how professional she dealt with her job and how she was able to compartmentalize. I knew if I confided in her, she would be a lock box. I just prayed the key wasn’t an array of mini liquor bottles like Elaine on Seinfeld. She also had a gay roommate, so I knew she would be accepting of my sexuality.
When I finally felt comfortable telling her, I messaged her on AIM. She sat 10 feet away from me, and I’m surprised she didn’t get whiplash from turning her head so fast. She became my confidant, and over time, I felt comfortable telling my office mate as well. But that didn’t stop me from explaining to her why it took me so long to tell her.
I feel that many of my other coworkers either know or suspect I’m gay. That means they’re either clueless, or they have enough respect for me not to ask. And I’m fine with that arrangement. It’s none of their business quite frankly.
I question every day whether I should tell them or not. I trust them, but I also feel the more people I tell at work, the faster it spreads. I’m afraid people may judge me or look at me differently, and I’m not ready for that. I don’t plan to stay at this company forever. Maybe when I change jobs and start fresh, I will feel comfortable being my whole self with my coworkers, with no reservations.
Finding a Friend in the Oddest of Places
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 5, 2011
The whole time I was dating Broadway, I was still cruising Manroulette. Many consider this cheating, but I don’t. We all have needs and urges. I was simply taking care of that. Call it cheating. Call it selfish. Call it what you will. But it worked for me. I was always present in the moment when I was with Broadway, but there were also many nights spent alone while he worked late.
I wasn’t going on there purely to get off either. I had one gay friend at this point. He was in a serious relationship, living with his boyfriend after coming out just two years before. I didn’t think we could relate on a lot of my issues/questions.
One October night on there, I came across a guy, Boston, who had a great smile. I immediately stopped “nexting” and tried very hard to engage him so he wouldn’t “next” me. We started off exchanging stats and location, but then dove deep into conversation.
It was very refreshing to have an intelligent conversation with someone on Manroulette. We never shared anything sexual/vulgar. We just talked about dating, coming out, jobs, school, etc. We really hit it off, and when the time came for me to go to bed, I asked how we could keep the conversation going. We exchanged email addresses since he didn’t have a Skype account at the time.
We kept in touch loosely over email before we moved the conversation to AIM. Shortly thereafter, we lost touch. Not sure what happened, but we didn’t really talk for about 3 months. Until I got a surprise email:
“Hey brah, how ya been? Just randomly checked my email and realized I haven’t talked to you in a while so just checkin’ in. Hit me up. I have a Skype now!”
We would video chat on Skype, telling him all my happy stories and all my sad stories. Although he is five years younger than me, he was already much wiser than me in the “gay arts.” He came out a few years earlier and helped me understand what I was going through. He is a excellent listener and gives very sound advice. He listened to me complain about my parents not opening up to my homosexuality and just told me to be patient. He went through the same thing just a few years earlier.
When things started to get a bit rocky for Broadway and I, he was really there for me. I was always willing to give Broadway the benefit of the doubt, but Boston told me when he thought I was being foolish. He pointed out when I should stop ignoring the signs. All this time, he never told me what to do, much like a therapist. He just helped me find the conclusions myself.
At some point we started talking about spring travel. Both of us were headed to South Beach, Miami, and our trips overlapped.
At this point, I said, “I hope I’m not being too forward, but would you want to grab a drink while we’re down there?” To which he replied, “Of course. Sure!”
We exchanged numbers, and when the trip was upon us, I suggested we figure out now where we could meet before we got down there. I gave him the address of my hotel.
Turned out we were staying at the same hotel, so it couldn’t have been easier. The rest of the trip is another story…