Why Do I Make Such Poor Decisions?

Another Friday, and I used up yet another carryover vacation day. This one would kick off a staycation lasting over week long. I was beholden to no schedule and no one.

Once again, I woke up horny and turned to my go-to. I fired up Grindr and began to search for someone to satisfy the animal within. When over an hour passed by and had no luck, I turned to my computer. I checked adam4adam.com for any messages. I had a few, but no one seemed to be around for the day. I cast out a net to see what was out there. I began messaging some of the guys who lived in Hoboken and the surrounding area. Some of the guys were online, many were not.

After some time, I got some responses. I exchanged messages with a few guys, but they were all preoccupied or messaging me from work on their phone. This was turning out to be a bust, and I’d already wasted hours doing this. Geez, what was I doing with my life! But, I was still horny. Rather than turn to porn and finish myself off, I continued to search.

Then, out of the blue, a guy, who had messaged me many times before, sent me a message. He was horny and looking for fun. His profile was pretty bare, which is why I’d rejected him so many times before. However, this time I was a bit “desperate.”

I responded to his message and learned he lived close by. We talked about what he was looking for. I learned he was a “hungry bottom.” He was looking for some no-strings-attached action, and I was too. I told him to come by my place.

Half an hour later, he buzzed my apartment. When I answered the door, I was a little shocked. He was much smaller than he looked in the pictures. This is not at all what I was expecting. I don’t mean to sound racist here, only descriptive. He was a tiny little Mexican boy. He told me he was 29, but he looked about 18.

This is where I go wrong. Where I should be able to say, “Sorry. I don’t think I can do this,” I don’t because I feel bad they came all the way to my place. Why is this when the nice side of me decides to show its face?

I tell him to come in and show him to my bedroom. He immediately asks me again, “Are you clean?” I reassure him of my negative and clean status. I was a little relieved by his paranoia – It made for a stronger argument that he himself was clean and afraid of contracting something. At least I knew this guy was safe.

Warning: The following may be too graphic for some. With that, he undid my pants and began orally pleasuring me. He had a mint in his mouth, and this was certainly a new one for me. Everything tingled. I’m still not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing. I’m also still not sure if he did it on purpose, or if he just happened to be concerned with his fresh breath.

After a short while, he turned around and began to grind his a$$ in my crotch. He asked me to get a condom and lube. He was bent over the foot of my bed while I penetrated him. He thoroughly enjoyed it. He told me to keep going until I finished. “I’m here to serve you,” he added. “I want you to finish inside me.” I wasn’t sure this was a request I could fulfill. I have enough of a problem finishing without the added hindrance of the condom’s desensitizing nature. I alternated between penetration and self stimulation to see if I could manage to finish, but it was no use. Finally, with the right combination, I ripped off the condom and finished all over his back, accidentally hitting him in the back of the head with a shot. He began to spread it around when I told him I would get him a towel. He didn’t seem to mind nor need one, but I insisted on wiping what was left of my DNA off his back. He was going to find it to be an incredibly uncomfortable ride home in the car if I didn’t.

He turned and asked if he could suck on my toes. I’d never had that request live in person before, but I was game. After my toes were thoroughly bathed, while he pleasured himself to no finish, he collected his clothes and got dressed. I saw him to the door, and with that, he was gone.

I felt so disgusting. I didn’t waste one more second before jumping in the shower. Everything I did was safe, but I still felt incredibly dirty. I needed to wash the shame down the drain as well. I found myself asking the question once again, “What the f*ck are you doing!?” I decided then and there I wasn’t going to turn this into a trend over my staycation. I was going to turn things around. This staycation was going to be all about me bettering myself. I was going to eat right, relax, read, tan, go to the gym… No more was I going to call random guys for sex. I needed to move on and stop giving myself excuses.

This was a fine plan. Now I just needed to stick to it!

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  1. #1 by kinmanhattan on May 3, 2012 - 7:33 PM

    I just hope you found interesting enough entertainment to stick to your plan 🙂

    • #2 by One Gay at a Time on May 4, 2012 - 7:30 AM

      That’s just it. I don’t want entertainment. I want love 🙂

  2. #3 by Anonymous on May 4, 2012 - 12:49 PM

    Ok I think you have finally reached the point of disgusting. . .

  3. #4 by The Shit Collector on May 7, 2012 - 4:04 AM

    Your blog used to be interesting when it was about your relationship with your ex bfs. But it became it turned me off when it became a sex journal.

    • #5 by One Gay at a Time on May 7, 2012 - 10:06 AM

      I tend to agree, but it’s what I went through at the time. It was quite dark, and I don’t enjoy writing about it any more than you enjoy reading about it, but it’s also part of dating in the gay community… Stick with me through the dark bits to get to the lighter bits…

  4. #6 by Anonymous on May 9, 2012 - 7:47 PM

    hey- you know I’m going to give the guy credit though. He’s being honest and forthright. I think it’s pretty cool for him to straight up tell us *everything* that’s happening and not catering to an audience . After all, there is a ‘do not read below’ warning for the naughty parts, but I’m guessing most of us read them anyone under our own discretion! I guess operating under anonymity helps the process, but I think this blog is something that deserves to be read without stigma when processing how a person deals with relationships.

    • #7 by One Gay at a Time on May 10, 2012 - 10:02 AM

      Wow dude. Thanks for going to bat for me! Appreciate it. It’s not easy exposing myself when I’m so ashamed and embarrassed with myself. It’s nice to see my honesty is appreciated!

  5. #8 by Anonymous on July 30, 2012 - 10:58 PM

    Hey One Gay At a Time I completely understand how you feel, every time I have random sex I promise myself not to do it again after the disgust and regretful feeling I would afterwards. However when the loneliness/horniness steps in I find myself at it again. Can you tell me what’s the greatest motivation to overcome this? I myself is looking for true love and can’t find anyone that’s willing to seltzer. But to put a period to what I’m saying I honestly understand your situation and hope that one day you and I can overcome this self loneliness…Blessings

    • #9 by One Gay at a Time on July 31, 2012 - 9:00 AM

      Of course random sex feels great while it’s going on. The excitement and the rush gets your juices flowing. It feeds our animal instincts. But, it drains our emotional core. We’re meant to foster relationships as human beings. We’re no longer animals. That’s where the regret comes in.

      My greatest motivation was a few things. Part of it was shame. I was blogging about it, and people were commenting like crazy telling me I was better than that. You can only ignore those sentiments for so long. The other way I conquered the beast within was starving it. You have to “quit” cold turkey. If you give yourself any slack, you will constantly find yourself making excuses and allowances. I decided I wanted a man. I was willing to do anything I had to do to get that. When someone proposed anything other than friendship or a date on any of the sites/apps I was on, I told them to move on. I stuck to it. I was there to find someone to love, and that’s what I found. I met my man on Grindr. I found love in a hopeless place. But, in sticking to my guns, I found an amazing relationship! I hope you can find the same. It’s not easy, but you got this dude!!! We’re all rooting for you. Much Love, O.G.A.A.T.

  1. Sticking to the Plan « One Gay at a Time

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