Posts Tagged gay sex
A Night Away (Or Not)
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 8, 2011
Time away. Time away from work. From stress. From my relationship problems. Time away from N. I just needed time away to escape it all.
Following work that Friday, I hit the road to the Jersey Shore at 1:30 with one of my best friends, D. We were getting a head start on the mass exodus that happens every weekend in Hoboken. We really lucked out and didn’t hit any traffic. My stomach was very gracious for this because my hangover was just starting to kick in. I woke earlier that morning, and I was still drunk. I walked into work with my sunglasses on and asked everyone to leave me in peace if at all possible. My wish was granted. Now I was stuck in a car and the positive effects of the alcohol were wearing off.
I thought my conversation with N ended for the day when I signed off Gchat. We had a decent chat, but things certainly weren’t casual yet. Exchanges were still slightly awkward, especially since I tried to drag him to my bed the night before.
However, N wasn’t done talking to me apparently. About half way down to Belmar, I received a text from him. “How was your half day? Are you dts yet?” I read it on my phone and grumbled out loud. Even though I was the one who made it awkward the night before, I didn’t even want to think about him. I turned to D, who had just been filled in on the details of the night before, and I told him what the text said. I asked him what I should do. He said, “You’re trying to put distance between you two right? Then ignore it!”
I took his advice, and I was happy about it. I put the phone back in the console and continued to suffer through my hangover in silence. However, the silence was broken ten minutes later when I received a call from a blocked number. I picked it up and of course, no one was on the other side. I wondered if it was N. Was he calling to see if I was ignoring him? I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was getting to me enough for me to ignore him, so I thought it best to respond to the text. “Half day was necessary. I was still drunk at work. We’re still in the car…” After that, I got radio silence.
An hour and a half later, I received another text from N asking about traffic and our time of departure. I simply ignored this one. I was going to let him hijack my weekend. It would just ruin my weekend with my friends if I spent all my time texting with the guy I just “broke up” with. After some more time, N felt the need to inform me his roommate was down the shore as well. At this point, I was very short. I simply responded, “I know. We’ve been texting each other.” I was hoping he’d get the hint that he was not included in the nights festivities and his services were not needed. He either got the hint or found something else to entertain his time.
At this point, D and I had been drinking for a few hours. We were both six beers deep. D was starting to feel drunk, but I felt NOTHING. This was a typical occurrence for me. I have a very high tolerance, but I was hoping to get drunk. I turned to D and said, “I think I may switch teams this weekend.” I knew I wasn’t going to find a guy down at the Jersey Shore — not in Belmar anyway. I figured why not find a pretty girl to flirt with and see where things go. Not like I’ve never been there before. D laughed and I could see the excitement in his eyes. He knew if this was going to happen, he was going to have entertainment for the rest of the night. He had a girlfriend who was on her way to meet us, but at least he could watch me hit on hotties.
There was one particular girl I was watching from afar. I liked her interaction with her friends. She was participating in their festivities, but always kept herself slightly detached and available. We made eye contact once or twice, so I promised myself I would talk to her once I was properly lubricated. I would never get the opportunity, however. The group of them walked outside into a torrential downpour of rain. In the next minute, I found myself very attracted to her. Her solution to the rain was to rip off her dress, crumple it in her hands, and sprint through the rain in her bikini. She gained major cool points right then, but it was too late. She was gone in a flash (or should I say splash).
Over the next few hours, I switched from beer to vodka sodas and got properly wasted. My sister and K arrived, shortly followed by D’s girlfriend. We were all having a blast. We were at D’Jais afterall, so my fist was pumping hard. I danced my ass off, stuffed my face, and went back to the sh*ttiest hotel I’ve ever been to with D and his girlfriend.
On the way back to the hotel I checked my Grindr out of curiosity. No quality bites, as I expected. One bite I wasn’t expecting was from N. I checked what the message said. “Having fun finding ZERO gay men in the Belmar/Manasquan area?” I immediately rolled my eyes. What was he doing!? I tried not to think about it and laid my head down on the pillow and fell asleep. He wasn’t worth losing one minute of sleep over anymore.
Follow @onegayatatimeBlackout Regret & Poor Life Choices
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 5, 2011
On Thursday, I talked to N on GChat during work hours. It was simple banter. At the same time, I was confiding in NC. We talked about the conversation we had, and he consoled me. He told me, “You’re a good looking guy, good job, etc. Don’t set yourself up to get hurt.” I said, “Thanks! I really needed that!” “It’s true,” he said. “It’s true. I woulda hooked up with you. Not that it means much.”
I had a feeling this was true. I could feel the sexual tension when he stayed the night in my roommates bed. I responded, “And yet, you didn’t. Haha.” “Had I had a few more drinks and wasn’t planning on moving in with you, I woulda suggested cuddling that night,” he replied. This was welcome information considering I felt the same way that night, so I let him know: “And had you not been planning to move in, I totally would have.” I further thanked him and explained, “I know I’m hot and I’m a catch, but for someone to do this to me, sapped a bit of my confidence…”
By the end of the day, N informed me he was going to a work function following work. Thursday was a typical night for me to meet up with friends at my favorite bar, but I wasn’t particularly in the mood to go out with them.
Instead, when I got home, I texted my new gay gym buddy and asked if he was going to be at the gym. He was, so I told him I’d meet him there. Over the past few weeks, I saw him periodically, and we chatted. I would keep him in the loop on my failing relationship, and he would chat with me about his issues. Together, we were providing a little bit of therapy for each other.
I got there and had a chat between lifting. I could tell he was starting to get better, but I certainly was headed downhill since he first met me. I didn’t want to drag him back down with me, so I only told him some of the highlights.
When I was nearly finished lifting, N texted me, “Hey. You wanna go out tonight?” Of course my heart lept a little. I was happy he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe this friendship thing wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe we could shift right into friendship mode with no speed bumps. I played it coy, however. I asked him what time and where. Then, I informed him I was still at the gym and had to go home, shower, eat, and then I would be ready. Since he was still at his work function, the timing would work out perfectly.
As I left the gym, I wondered if this was a group thing or just the two of us. We still had a few things we needed to chat about, and I wasn’t sure if tonight was going to be the time for that conversation. I had said to him, “Maybe sometime we can get drunk and put it all out there and have a good laugh about this.” But maybe this wasn’t that sometime.
After I showered I came out to the kitchen to find L there.. I filled her in on the latest details and began to pour myself some Johnnie Walker. I texted N and asked him what time he wanted to hit the bar and asked where we were headed. He informed me he couldn’t find anyone to go out and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I would hit up my friends and see what I could round up, but I still wanted to go out regardless.
Apparently, it wasn’t going to be just the two of us. I was able to find two friends who were willing to go out, and I told them I would keep them in the loop when I knew what the plan was.
N texted and said he wanted to save some money by pregaming. He asked if he should grab a bottle from the liquor store to replenish some of the liquor he drank at my apartment. I graciously accepted the offer and told him I would see him in a few.
I was two glasses of scotch deep at this point, and my conversation with L was getting quite silly. Not sure why it hit me so fast, considering I can hold my liquor like a champ! After 20 minutes, I texted N asking what was taking him so long. He responded, “Walking out the door now.”
He came by with a bottle of Grey Goose. When he walked in the door, I got a luke-warm hug and a peck on the check, but that was to be expected. It just wasn’t what I was used to. I was also on to my third hefty glass of scotch. The Grey Goose wasn’t all he brought with him. He also brought some recreational supplies. I asked if he wanted to go out on the porch and smoke, but he wasn’t really feeling it. After some arm-twisting, he complied. I don’t know if it was the smoking or the spending time alone with me on the porch he was avoiding, but looking back I’m willing to bet it was the time alone with me.
When we came back in, I plopped down on the couch with another glass of scotch and the rest of the bottle of Johnnie. He sat in a chair rather far from me. L joined us as well after I extended an invitation. I was hoping her presence would help cut the tension.
The three of us sat and chatted while we drank. After some time, N’s roommate joined us. We talked about random things I can’t remember because the scotch began to kick in. At one point, N said something exceptionally person I never knew about him. It really pulled at my heartstrings. All I could think about was how much I wanted to give him a hug. I texted him and said, “You never told me about any of that.” He responded, “We never got that far, and I don’t like normally bringing it up unless it comes up in conversation.”
I asked him if he would come out on the balcony with me. His response: “I don’t mean to be rude, but why?” After that, I lost all the emotional sympathy I was feeling and received his message loud and clear. I said, “Forget it.” Of course, after that, he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about, but I told him to just forget it. We texted each other a few more times while we sat a few feet apart. I was now wasted. One of his texts even said, “You need more ice.”
Since it was getting late, N’s roommate and my roommate went to bed.
After that, everything is a blackout for me. The next thing I remember, I woke up alone and in a panic. It was the next morning, and I couldn’t remember N leaving my apartment that night. He wasn’t in my bed, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember how the night ended. I could hear L outside my door, so I shouted, “Did I do anything dumb last night!?” She told me we were still in the living room when she went to bed, so she had no idea.
I knew I needed to do some damage control. I didn’t know if I did anything inappropriate, but I knew at that point N was the only one who could tell me what happened. I texted him to ask what happened and preemptively apologize if I did anything wrong. I also explained that I had fun just hanging with him and our roommates and added, “Last thing I wanna do is make it uncomfortable…”
He responded, “We made out for a little bit. Then you tried bringing me in the bedroom but I couldn’t… That wouldn’t have been right for either of us.” I slapped myself in the forhead. Of course I did that. I responded, “Thank you for telling me this and thank you for being a gentleman.”
Surprisingly, he replied, “We both knew we wanted to but I couldn’t, especially with you as drunk as you were and I having sobered up.” I thanked him again for being a gentleman, and he countered, “No need to thank me… I’ll always be there for you.” It was a sweet notion. I had a lot of regret for putting us both in that position and was disappointed in myself for acting like a child.
Later that Friday, we talked on Gchat about the events of the night before. It was a very adult and civilized conversation. I was happy for that. We even spoke about what would have happened if I weren’t incapacitated by alcohol. While the conversation was nice, I knew for my own sake, I needed to put more distance between us, or I would never be able to get over him.
As the day progressed, N read my blog again. He read about NC commenting on my ability to do better and was not happy about it. I tried to calm him down, but there was already bad blood between the two. He decided to remove NC from his life and unfriended him on Facebook and blocked him on Gchat.
When 1:00 rolled around, I left work after a half day. I was headed to Belmar at the Jersey Shore with three friends and my sister for the weekend. I was very excited to get away and have some fun. I just got through the week from hell and needed some distractions. I would be free to do whatever and whomever I chose, and that made me very happy!
Follow @onegayatatimeDr. Talks A Lot
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 4, 2011
Since I was back to the single life, I was back to adam4adam. This certainly didn’t thrill me. But, once again, I have almost no gay friends, and I’m really not big on the gay scene. Other than online, I had no way to meet other gay men. One year out of the closet, and only one friend tried to connect me with another man.
In my a4a travels, I came across The Hot Dermatologist. When I first set eyes on his picture, I was a bit gaga. His body looked amazing. I messaged him and told him so, but I also told him I’d like to get to know him better. He responded well because I wasn’t just looking for a hookup. After chatting back n forth a few times, we agreed to meet for dinner.
We set a date, and made plans. He lives on the Upper East Side of NYC, and he asked if I would be willing to trek up there. I had no reason why I couldn’t, so I agreed. The day of the date, we picked a time, however, I finished work earlier than expected. I texted him, and we changed our plans. He meant to walk the dog before we met, but since I was done early, he invited me to join him for the walk.
When I arrived at his apartment, he told me to come up. He was doing something and wasn’t quite ready yet. When I got up to his apartment, we introduced ourselves at the door with a handshake. He told me to come in and introduced me to his dachshund. He apologized for not being ready and told me he was uploading pictures from his camera onto his computer. I originally thought it was something for work, but then he started showing me the pictures. They were of his dog from the weekend. This was a priority over a date with a sexy man?
He then proceeded to tell me he endorses a product on the HSN. He showed me the video clip from his call in earlier in the day.
Finally, he was ready to take the dog for a walk. We made our way outside and began to chat a bit. We talked about work, his dog and what we do for fun — simple small talk. He warned me ahead of time he needed to stop at one point to call into HSN live again. We found a quiet corner of the street, and he placed the call. It was interesting to hear what he had to say, but at the same time, I felt this was a bit odd.
When he finished the call, we walked back to the apartment to drop off the dog. He informed me his best friend was coming by while we were grabbing dinner to watch the dog and then go to the gym together later.
We walked to a nearby Mexican restaurant. He made a few recommendations, and we ordered. The whole meal, he talked. I got a few words in edgewise, but the majority of them were simply a response to his comments. He talked about how he’d like to meet a guy, but they never seem to tolerate his busy schedule. He had a boyfriend for a long time who was able to deal with his lack of presence, but that was long over. In the next sentence, he talked about how little he was making because he was in residency. He was interviewing at two different dermatologists’ offices for a position on Saturday and Sunday, his only two days off. How did he expect to find a man willing to be in on that deal?
Following dinner, he decided to take me into the garage of his building to move his car to the new space he acquired that morning. Again, this was an odd thing to do on a date. It was like I was tagging along for his errands. As we took the elevator to his floor, he told me his friends do not approve of his online dating. Just before opening his apartment door, he explained to me how he told his friend he was on a business dinner. I didn’t know what to do with that information. I had no idea what part I was supposed to be playing.
We walked in and I was introduced to his friend. His friend said, “I thought you told me you were on a business dinner?” Dr. Hotness responded, “I did.” To which his friend responded, “You went dressed like that?!” I think he immediately caught on to what was up and stopped asking questions.
After the good doctor showed his friend the pictures of his dog and the same video he showed me only an hour earlier, we all went down to the sidewalk in front of his building with the dog again. We all sat there chatting a bit. This was one of the oddest dates I have ever been on. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to run, but I didn’t want to sit there any longer either. It was the single most selfish dateI’ve ever been on.
When 8:00 arrived, Dr. Hotness said, “Well, we’re gonna hit up the gym.” We all stood, and I got a handshake. “Call me later,” he said.
With that, I turned and started walking downtown. I knew I couldn’t walk all the way down to Port Authority from 96th street, but I wasn’t ready to hop on a subway. I pulled up Grindr to see if any of the other men I was pursuing were available to meet up. Of course no one was. I wasn’t ready to just go home and plop on the couch, so I called a few friends to see if anyone was interested in an evening jog. Once again, no luck.
I got about half way to Port Authority when I gave in and flagged a cab. Another date under my belt and I had nothing to show for it. It was very disappointing.
That night, I sent him a text: “It was a pleasure meeting you and [the dog].” He responded, “U too.” I have NO idea why I said this (probably because he was so hot), but I did: “Hit me up if you want to meet up again sometime.”
In a funny twist of fate, he responded, “I think we should just be friends.” I texted, “Gonna have to agree with you there. Not that you’re not a good-looking guy. Haha.” Apparently I struck a chord there, because he said, “Ha. Why? Am I not your type?” I said, “Haha. Why do you ask? You actually are… You just don’t seem to be fully invested in finding a relationship to be honest… I assume you said just friends because I’m not yours?”
At this point, he was insulted by my observation. We went back n forth on the issue. I told him I didn’t mean to offend. After some long exchanges and some playful banter, we ended on being friends with benefits. He said, “I can tell you are a great guy too. Love your body and how sincere you are!” I was very flattered. Since then, we have been texting but have yet to meet up again. Who knows? Maybe we’ll have a hot time sometime. Maybe not.
I went in to this date very skeptical. Most men and women would swoon over dating a doctor. For me, it was a BIG turnoff. I already dated a Broadway dancer who was unavailable. A doctor would be a step in the wrong direction. When was I finally going to find a guy for me? It was back to the drawing board…
Follow @onegayatatimeI Think We Need to Talk
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 3, 2011
Finally, Tuesday night, N agreed to come by so we could talk. When he arrived, we exchanged a quick kiss on the lips. You could cut the tension with a knife. We started with some banter between us and my other roommate while I finished emptying the dishwasher. When I finished, I asked him if he wanted to go out on the balcony.
I knew what was coming, and I knew what I needed to do. I also knew a lot more than he thought I did. I let him go first, fully giving him the opportunity to come clean about his transgressions.
He opened with many, many praises. Two that stood out in my head were good-looking and disgustingly generous. I liked that part. At least he acknowledged what a full package I was, but apparently he didn’t realize it if he was there to break up with me.
We started to chat about his weekend and why he never called like he said he would. He recounted the story as the following: Friday night I passed out on the couch. T woke me up in the morning at 7:30 on the couch with a dead phone. We drove down to Amanda’s and the day got away from me. I didn’t call because I didn’t know what to say to you.”
IMMEDIATELY, I called him out on his lies. I pointed out I knew he never saw Amanda all weekend. He copped up and told me he went down the shore with his family. The way his new story progressed, he got a ride down the shore with his roommate after being woken up on the couch and met up with his parents for the rest of the weekend.
Things still weren’t adding up. I shook my head and told him I knew he still wasn’t being honest with me. He looked at me with a questioning expression. I explained how Grindr pegged him 17 miles away at 2:00am. Immediately, he shook his head and said, “I’m such a bad liar. Why am I lying!? Ok. So Friday night, I met a guy at Elmo in the city with two of his friends for dinner. Afterwards, we went back to his place on Staten Island. Nothing happened. We just hung out and then I went home.” Even then, he was still lying. No one comes back from Staten Island to Hoboken at 2:00. It would take four hours. You’d have to be insane to do that. Inside, I was crying. It was hard to hear. Outside, I was strong.
Going into this conversation, my goal was friendship. I knew we could not date any longer, but I hoped to still have him in my life as one of my best friends. However, he was making it very difficult by lying to me. My friends were much more honest with me than that. I knew what I knew and that’s all that mattered. If he was going to continue to lie to me, that was his choice.
He said, “This is not how I expected things to go.” I said to him, “You thought you were just going to come over here and rip off the band-aid?” His response: “Touché. This isn’t who I am. I don’t lie. You can ask [my roommate].”
Now, it was my turn to come clean. I had to tell him about Mr. Grindr, and I did. “I’m not going to stand here and pretend to be guilt free.” I told N I met him on Grindr. It started innocently, but when he started to suggest otherwise, I went along with it. I told him it was no emotional connection, just sex, and it was just my way of evening the playing field when I suspected him of cheating on me. I only told him about the first time we hooked up. He had no idea. I think I blindsided him with this information. My intent wasn’t malicious. But if I was going to cheat on him, I was going to have to deal with the consequences. After all, we weren’t exclusive, so I did nothing wrong according to “the rules,” but we all know what I did was wrong. I apologized for hurting and betraying him.
He asked if we hooked up in my bed and if he slept in my bed the same night. I simply replied, “I’m not going to get into the details.”
We began to talk about how we were going to proceed. It was going to be difficult at first, but eventually, we would be friends. He apologized for our timing being off. He told me he really liked me and spending time with me, but he just ended his long-term relationship with his last girlfriend shortly before meeting me. He was not ready for another serious relationship.
I took the opportunity to give him some advice. I’m not sure whether he appreciated it, but I think he did. I told him if he got into a relationship with anyone else, he owed it to them to be honest about extra curricular activities. We live in a climate when HIV is a serious threat to both his and his partner’s safety. I also told him I didn’t think he was scared enough of the possibility of HIV. Furthermore, I explained to him how wrong he was for hitting on my close friend Boston. He apologized emphatically. I explained to him if he wanted to have a more open relationship, he should have spoken up. I would have been open to that from the start, but when I thought we were progressing towards a serious relationship, how would I know to act any other way.
Finally, I told him if we were going to be friends, he needed to be more honest with me. “What do you mean?” was his response. I had my next words planned precisely. “Grindr is a small world. That’s all I’m gonna say.”
“What does that mean?” I told him I wasn’t about to elaborate or sell someone out, but I knew he still wasn’t being honest with me. He really wanted to know more details, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. I already knew what he was trying to do behind my back, and in the end, I got the guy he was chasing.
At this point, he had to go home and do some work before the morning. He turned to me and said, “Can I have a hug?” I happily responded “YES!” and we shared a nice embrace. We walked inside, and as he walked out the door, we shared one more long embrace and a sweet kiss goodbye.
I finally got to say my piece, but I wasn’t fully at peace. His dishonesty still bothered me. I thought he had more respect for me — Obviously not. It just proved to me we weren’t meant to be together. Deep down I still had affectionate feelings for him, and that would take time to get over. But, we were over. Only time would tell how our relationship would evolve.
Follow @onegayatatimeDarkness Falls
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 2, 2011
That weekend, N was going down to the Jersey Shore. His roommate has a house in Manasquan, and he was planning to possibly go Friday evening with one of his other roommates.
After my Friday off, and my new-found clarity, I didn’t care what N did anymore. I lost all the emotional attachment I had towards him. It was over. I just needed the opportunity to tell him. To be honest, for my own self-esteem, I needed to break things off with him before he tried to break it off with me. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Once again, I want to point out that I take full responsibility for my actions. I was wrong to cheat on N. It still bothers me to this day. It’s not who I am. Goes to show what happens when you act on suspicion.
When Friday evening arrived, I was at the gym. I got a text message from N explaining he didn’t know if he would be going to the shore that evening or the next morning. He wasn’t sure when his roommate wanted to go, but if he was staying in town for the night, he wanted to meet up.
I told him my plans for the night. I was going home, showering, hitting up the Zepplin Hall Biergarten with my sister and some friends. I told him he was welcome to tag along if he liked. I wanted to see him because I needed to talk to him, but I debated in my mind if a public setting was the place to have this chat. I was almost to the point of not caring. It was a monkey on my back and I needed it OFF!
While en route to the biergarten, I received a text from N telling me he would meet me there with his roommate. This threw a wrench in my plans because he wasn’t out to this roommate. It would be hard to have a serious conversation.
As time progressed, I texted asking him where he was. He told me he decided to stay in Hoboken and was drinking in his apartment. He was going to meet me when I got back to Hoboken. After arguing with my sister about our planned time of departure back to Hoboken, I finally made my way back. I was going to meet more friends at 1 Republik.
I texted N telling him my plans, but received no response. I sent numerous more texts asking him where he was, asking if he was still planning to meet up with me. But again, darkness. I started to check up on him on Grindr, but he was offline.
Finally, when 1:30am rolled around, I went home. When I got to my room, I laid on my bed and poked around Grindr a bit. All of a sudden, N popped up, and he was 17 miles away. Where the hell was he? Manasquan is not 17 miles away from Hoboken. We went from meeting up in Hoboken, to him being 17 miles away, obviously on his phone not responding to my text messages. What an as$hole! He was obviously up to no good at this point. I sent him a text message, “Well… Have a good weekend I guess…”
Over the course of the weekend I received one text Saturday afternoon from N. “We’re pulling up to Amanda’s house now, but I’m in the car with T. We’re going to get food soon. I’ll call you then.” When I didn’t hear back from him for the next day and a half, I called his roommate the morning of July 4th. She told me she hadn’t heard from him nor seen him all weekend. This was an interesting turn of events, considering he was supposed to be spending the weekend at her house. Pretty sure they should have run into each other at some point if that was the case.
On Monday afternoon, I received a text. N told me he was back from the shore. I texted him back immediately to come by so we could talk, but I got no response.
Later that afternoon, I received another text telling me he passed out on the couch all day and was running late for a party to watch the Macy’s fireworks. I decided to use his roommate for information once again, since when we spoke earlier, we talked about possibly meeting up later. I texted her asking if she’d seen N yet. She told me he just got back from the gym and was making food down in the kitchen. They must have spoken shortly after that because she texted back telling me he was going to a friend’s party. I never let on to either of them I knew he was lying to me about his weekend. I wanted to see his face when I called him on it.
After the fireworks, N decided to come back to Hoboken. He texted me to tell me so, but caveated it by telling me he smoked and was quite drunk. “I know we need to talk and it will prob be serious. I want to be somewhat coherent when we do.”
I begged him to just come over. I needed to get this monkey off. The more I learned about the deceit, the more twisted I felt. He didn’t respond to my texts. Once again, I would have to wait to have the discussion to end my insanity.
Follow @onegayatatimeA New Perspective — A World of Opportunity
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 1, 2011
Finally feeling empowered again, I called my friends who also had the day off. We decided upon sunbathing on the pier in Hoboken. Ten pounds lighter (from not being able to eat) and one hot new bathing suit later, I was feeling sexy again. All I needed was a sexy tan to boot.
I arrived early, and as I lad my things out, I decided to write this entry while the emotion was still fresh. I sat down with my notepad facing west until I realized what I was missing. I had the cityscape 180 degrees away, and I wasn’t taking advantage. I turned around, literally changing my perspective, but in the process, I immediately changed my figurative perspective as well. This immense city lay before me in all its grandeur — the land of opportunity. The possibilities were endless.
I began to think, so many men and so little time. I’m 27. However, in gay years, I’m 1. This is my paradox. I’m ready to settle down to something concrete. Nearly 26 years of turmoil set the stage for all of this. I want a real relationship. I’m ready for love. True love. But like I just pointed out, I was still a gay baby. For me, I needed to be single. Not dating to find Mr. Right, but single. I needed to find my true gay self. Should Mr. Right come knocking, I wouldn’t be stupid and leave him standing on the porch or fight him off. But, I needed to stop trying to find him. It had to happen naturally. He would come to me when the time was right.
I spent the days leading up building a new roster. It’s amazing. All you have to do is open yourself up, and men will come flocking. I was back to using Grindr to find men, not just passing time. The floodgates were open. Men from everywhere were throwing themselves at me. It was utterly flattering and just the ego boost I needed to get back to my old self.
As I sat, I also debated what I would say to N. After talking to many of my friends, they couldn’t believe I didn’t want to go off on him. That would be the expected reaction. But, I was better than that. I already felt vindicated. I had hard proof my mistrust was justified. I not longer felt so manipulated. Even if he didn’t act on his desires, he was seeking out the company of other men. If it could have happened, I’m sure it would have. Consequently, I was so angry with myself for letting a man make me so upset. But that was over. He broke my heart, but I finally moved on.
So, I prepared the following monologue. I know it never goes as planned, but I wanted to prepare my thoughts at the least. I had a lot to say.
“I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t trust you anymore. The time you spend at the gym, especially after you told me what goes on there. The time you spend on Grindr ‘talking’ even in front of me. No one is ever on there just talking. Talking leads to things. How do you think we met? And after seeing you kiss that guy at the bar. And yes, I saw you kiss him. And even if you want to deny that, you were still exchanging numbers. All I could think about the rest of that night was how many other guys you were grinding on and kissing before I arrived at the bar. You’re not ready for a relationship, and I’m no one’s booty-call. I deserve so much more than that! Especially after how much of myself I’ve given to you. I hope we can still be friends, but I can’t continue down our current path.”
After talking with my friends on the pier, I planned what I would say when he denied everything. Not if, but when. I debated saying, “N. I have friends on Grindr.” But, my friends vetoed that. So my next suggestion was. “N. I know you haven’t been honest with me,” and leave it at that.
Now, I just had to wait to see him so I could have this conversation. However, I would not get the opportunity that night…
Follow @onegayatatime2 Can Play That Game
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 29, 2011
N and I were talking sporadically, but it was almost as if we weren’t in a relationship. He was working in the city that day, and sent me a text message asking what time I was heading in. I was getting in the habit of waking up and getting to work earlier. I still didn’t have my appetite and wasn’t eating breakfast in the morning, which bought me more time. I was also enjoying the distraction of work that kept me busy. I told him I would be heading in at 8:30. He said he wouldn’t be ready by then. I didn’t have to be in at a set time, so I waited for him.
Finally, at 9:15 he emerged from his apartment. Had I known he would take so long, I would not have waited, especially if I knew what was to follow. The conversation on the walk was very distant and awkward. We spoke as if we were already broken up. Most of the time, he was buried in his phone. Maybe he was on Grindr, but at this point, I didn’t care. I was too, and I was getting bites. When we were half way to the PATH, he pulls back and says, “Wait! This is telling me the bus is a better option for me to get to work.” Apparently we wouldn’t be going into to work together after all. I waited around for an awkward five-minute walk. He mentioned his need to stop at the ATM but would also needed exact change. Since I’m the overly generous person I am, opened my wallet and handed him a bus pass. He commented, “You would have this in your wallet.” Not even a thank you. I felt like one of his discarded used tissues. I allowed him to take advantage of my generosity, and I hated myself for it.
Before we headed our separate ways, he told me he was going to watch the fireworks with his family at his aunt’s house that night and would probably be staying there. We would not see each other that night.
While watching TV on the couch, I began to get horny. I decided to text the man I had sex with a few weeks earlier. He was a good lay, and I figured why not? I texted, “Hey man. Wanna come over?” He responded pretty quickly. He was out with friends but would stop by later. He added, “I not a whore or anything either, but I had fun last time with you.”
This is also the exact moment N texted me asking what I was up to because he was on his way back from his aunt’s house. In my passive aggressiveness, I told him watching a movie and chatting online. In the meantime, I texted the man from Grindr and informed him I would have to cancel and apologized. I got no response from N, so I asked if he was just checking up on me or if he was interested in hanging out. When N replied telling me he was just checking up on me, I immediately texted Mr. Grindr and told him to get his ass to my place and apologized for the confusion.
When he arrived, we went out to the balcony to hang out for a little bit and smoke. At this point, he started asking a lot of questions about N. When I asked him “What gives?” he explained someone meeting many of my descriptors had been texting him for some time now. He spoke up because when we met the first time, I was upfront and told him I was involved with someone. At this point, he offered to show me the messages he received. It was really none of my business what the exchanges were between them, but I graciously accepted the offer. What I saw next was just the dose of reality I needed. N had been asking this guy to hook up many times, even sending him pictures of his dick (with his face in the shot). So much for just talking! The icing on the cake was he was messaging him that night. He was playing back n forth between the two of us. That was the ultimate slap in the face. While he was sitting there in front of me, N was still texting him.
I knew better than to leave notifications on my phone when Mr. Grindr came over. I had a feeling N would text again, and I didn’t need a distraction. I was horny and was annoyed with N’s games. Mr. Grindr and I had an extensive conversation about the situation at hand. I apologized profusely for bringing him into the mess and came clean about using him just for sex. He actually was a good guy and I started to look at him as more of a friend than just a hookup. He didn’t need to tell me about N’s sexting, but he did. I greatly appreciated his candor.
With that, we headed inside to my bedroom. As we did, I glanced at my phone. I had three text messages from N asking if I was feeling better, asking how my chatting was going, and finally asking again what I was doing. Mr. Grindr looked at me and asked if it was N. I said yes as I put the phone down and lunged at him.
We had sex and it was good, but we needed to take a break. When we did, we discussed things again, but the conversation was more about the relationship between he and I, not involving N. He even asked, “Should I tell him to come over?” I loudly protested how bad an idea that was. I don’t know if he meant in the sense of a three-some, but I thought me meant more to confront him on his indiscretions. I told him it wasn’t my style to make a public spectacle of things. That type of action was not proper, not matter how much N was playing games.
At that very moment, Mr. Grindr got a text notification. He said, “That’s one of two people. Either my roommate or him.” I told him he didn’t need to look for me, but if he wanted to look for himself, that was his business. He looked, and sure enough, it was N asking him to hang out still. I got GREAT satisfaction out of this. Not only was N home alone with just his hand, but after trying to manipulate both of us, I got the guy. The two of them never had the opportunity to meet. Both were closeted and had roommates. They had nowhere “safe” to hookup.
Mr. Grindr’s morals kicked in at this point, and he decided it best if he went home. I tried to convince him to stay and chat further (and also finish what we started), but it was no use. He insisted on leaving. If I wasn’t feeling guilty enough for dragging him into this mess, now I felt downright awful. As he left, I walked to the window to watch what he did. I was curious if he was going to try to meet N. He walked to the corner of my street, looked at his phone, and looked toward N’s apartment. He paused a moment as I said out loud to myself, “Don’t you dare!” Just then, he turned and walked home. “Good boy!”
After about a half hour, I responded to N’s texts. I told him my appetite was returning and the online chatting was just Facebook. I then played dumb and followed up with, “Did you need something?”
The next morning I woke up to a text from N saying, “I wanted to see you.” What a prick! He didn’t want to see me. He wanted to get off! And, he didn’t care if it was Mr. Grindr or I. This cut deep, but my anger provided a sufficient band-aid for the time being. To me, it was his worst transgression. Even if they never met, he had every intent to do so. He even went as far as covering his bases by texting me should their plans fall through again. It was over. We were done. I do not stand for anyone treating me this way. After 26 years of single life and tormenting myself, I wouldn’t stand for this behavior! I deserve better! This was the wake-up call I needed, but this was just the beginning of my transformation back to my old self.
Playing it Cool
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 28, 2011
The conversation and actions the night before helped me gain perspective of my relationship. I was beginning to get to a better place. I knew exactly where I stood. N was enjoying the time he spent with me, but I wasn’t a priority in his life. With that, I was no longer going to make N my top priority. For the sake of my own emotional state (and apparently the state of my digestive system), I needed to manufacture some distance between us.
I also needed distractions. If N was leaving the door open for other men to walk through, so would I. That day at work, I fired up Grindr and began once again to cast out the nets. I found a few good looking men to occupy my time. I started messaging them and receiving responses.
One man in particular showed exceptional interest in me. He had an attractive body and seemed to have a level head on his shoulders. We talked about our common interests and occupations. Once I felt comfortable with this man, I proposed we meet. He agreed. We were both slated to finish work around 5:30, so we planned to meet at quarter to 6:00. Work ran slightly late for me, so I didn’t meet up with him until about 6:00. We met at a coffee shop near his apartment. We grabbed a bench outside the shop and introduced ourselves after I apologized for running late. After a few minutes, we both went inside and ordered iced teas. Being the gentleman I am, I paid for us both.
We returned back to the bench outside and had a very nice discussion about where we came from and what we did for fun. He mentioned something about work, and I asked him to elaborate about his job. What he was doing sounded very interesting. Not something you hear every day, and he seemed to be enjoying it. In the middle of our conversation, we were interrupted by a text message on his phone.
Earlier that day, he explained he was planning to meet his workout buddy after we met. This is who texted him. I don’t know if he ever explained he was on a “date,” but in any case, he told me his buddy was getting impatient. He was already at the gym just 2 blocks away. He apologized, but he needed to go. He asked if we could meet up again sometime soon, and I obliged. He was attractive and seemed nice enough, but I certainly wasn’t overly thrilled with the over package. He also prioritized his gym buddy over making a formidable first impression on me, which is never a good sign. Whether we would meet again or not would be decided by the fates. If it seemed to work out, I wouldn’t fight it.
That night I went home and met up with friends on the pier to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s on the outdoor screen. I informed them about my situation with N and the date I went on earlier. They offered their full support and told me I was doing the right thing. On another positive note, my appetite was slowly returning, so I was able to pick at some of the snacks we all brought.
When I finally got back to my apartment, I showered and climbed into my bed. I didn’t talk to N that night, and he was not coming over. This time when I climbed into bed, my outlook was different. I didn’t have to work that hard to find men who were interested in me and found me attractive. So, no longer did my bed feel big and empty. It felt the perfect size for me to sprawl out and get a good night’s rest.
What Do You Want From This?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 27, 2011
Tuesday came and went, and N and I barely talked. We usually messaged each other during the day at work on Gchat, but that day he wasn’t able to sign on. I was a little suspicious, but he said it happens periodically. I asked him to come over that night, and he said he would come by late. He wanted to go to the gym since he didn’t go the night before and ate and drank a lot at the graduation party.
I needed to further our discussion about what we were doing and where we were heading. I wasn’t satisfied with the current path laid out, so something needed to change.
When he came over, things were awkward. I didn’t get nearly the warm greeting I usually got. He hadn’t eaten, so he ordered a ton of food — Enough to feed three people. He also brought along supplies to smoke. We went out on the balcony so he could smoke. I was still feeling nauseous and not eating much. He mentioned smoking might be a good thing for my nausea. I hadn’t thought of that, and immediately agreed. The idea of smoking in my state wasn’t appealing, but the idea of feeling better sounded great at that point.
I asked him if we could talk about us. I wanted to get to him before his state of mind was altered. He responded, “Can I eat my food first?” Begrudgingly, I agreed, but this was torture for me. I knew it wouldn’t be a quick meal, and this was already eating at me for days. But, I would have to wait longer. We chatted a bit while I watched him eat, but the conversation was superficial and lacked substance.
When he was finishing eating, I was getting very flirtatious with him. I don’t know why I did this. Maybe I thought it was the only way to grab his attention. Maybe I was simply horny. Either way, we were making out in the kitchen and moved things to the bedroom. We had some fun and pleasured each other.
Warning: The following paragraph may be more graphic than you are used to reading here. When we got into bed, I started with the heavy petting and started using my mouth. After a short bit, we switched, and N gave me head. He always told me how much he enjoyed my dick and the taste of it. Whether or not this was just a line I will never know. I noticed immediately he was utilizing some new techniques. Of course my mind began to wonder where these came from? Another man recently perhaps? Either way, it felt great. Normally it took me some time to finish, but not tonight. He was finding all the right spots. I was very close, and right when he went deep, I exploded down the back of his throat. I didn’t make a noise when this was happening. I assumed he knew and that’s why he went deeper. When he pulled back, he asked why I didn’t tell him I was going to finish. I reminded him of an earlier discussion we had in which he told me I never needed to warn him of that. A big part of me did it on purpose. I did it in a power move. It made me feel like I had the upper hand. However, the power shifted almost immediately. He didn’t swallow all of my seed. A good portion was deposited back al over his hand. He motioned as if he was going to slap my chest with his semen-covered hand, but I protested. Instead, he quickly shifted and slid a semen-covered finger across my forehead and proclaimed, “Simba” and began to perform a victory dance around my bedroom. I have never before been so disrespected in my life. This one act solidified in my mind my status as his convenient booty call. No one disrespects someone they care about in this manner.
When we were finished, I ended up, arms folded, resting naked on his chest. Our faces were locked on each other, and I posed my question again, “Now can we talk about us?”
This whole time I felt like such a woman. I was doing all the things a needy girl does in a relationship, and I didn’t like it. But, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed answers, and I needed to know if he still had feelings for me.
So, I started the conversation. I asked, “What do you want from this?” I didn’t get a response. So, I posed another a better-phrased question, “Do you like where things are going?” He responded with a definitive yes. He explained he really enjoys spending time with me and thinks things were progressing well. I then asked, “Do you think we’re moving too fast?” Again, he said yes, and I agreed with him. We only knew each other a month and a half and he was spending almost every night in my bed. I took a lot of the blame here. I should have known better then to put us into that situation considering how new a gay relationship was for him. I asked if he wanted to take a step back, and again he said yes. I agreed and explained maybe we shouldn’t spend so much time together. In my mind, in light of recent events, I was already taking a step back to protect my own feelings. Now, I was going to give him all the space he needed. I was no longer going to be the first to initiate contact. I would respond to his messages, but I was going to give him a lot of space.
I know my hands were not clean at all. I had sex with another man. I justified it in my mind because it was just sex, and it was just to even the playing field for the suspected cheating. I had no emotional attachment to the man. But, in my mind, what N did at the bar was so much worse. I felt he was seeking out another relationship under my nose, not just a physical need. I now know how warped and hypocritical all this sounds, but at the time, it made sense to me.
I then took the opportunity to address N’s time spent on Grindr and at the gym. As he did two days earlier, he told me he was not actively seeking anything. He was just talking, “and not like ‘I want to stick it in your ass’ talking.” I knew better. No one just talks on Grindr. After all, it’s how I met N, and it’s how I met the random hookup. I wasn’t buying his line about just talking at all.
I told him if this was going to work, he needed to be completely honest with me. I could stand not being exclusive (or so I thought), but if that was the case, I needed to be kept in the loop. Looking back, I knew better. I don’t share my men. I knew that was not an arrangement I could be a part of, but I wasn’t ready to let him go.
We talked about how he didn’t need to spend every night with in my bed. He lived across the street. Some nights we could just do our own thing. He needed freedom, and I needed to give it to him if I wanted to keep him.
With that, it was starting to get late. I walked over to my phone and asked what time he needed to get up in the morning so I could set the alarm. He responded, “Well, I was going to go home.” I think my facial expression must have said a lot, because he immediately began to back peddle. He said, “No, but I’ll stay.” I said, “You can go home. You don’t have to stay. It’s fine.” I wasn’t even simply being passive aggressive. He insisted on staying now, and I gave him one more out. At this point, he pulled down the covers and got under the sheets.
The fact that he wanted to leave after our discussion painted a clearer picture for me. This was over. I didn’t fully know it yet, but we were done.
Follow @onegayatatimeSick to My Stomach
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 26, 2011
Monday morning, I woke to the sound of my alarm clock. The night before, N entertained the idea of taking the day off or working from home, however, this morning, his tone changed. He rushed to get ready for work since he was late, as usual. While he got dressed, everything from the night before slowly bubbled up in my brain. My disposition changed as I realized the hell my relationship was in. He gave me a kiss goodbye, and I gave him a forced smile as he walked out the door. I could tell by the expression on his face he knew how I was feeling.
Besides feeling like someone ripped my heart from my chest, I was feeling even sicker than the day before. My stomach was turning. I had so much work to do that day, but I couldn’t fathom going into the office. All morning, I was back n forth to the bathroom. I also realized sitting at home all day by myself with just my thoughts for company would be THE WORST thing possible for me at the time. The distraction of work would be a good for me, but I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know if I could make the walk to the PATH, let alone make it through the whole day, so I called in sick.
All morning, I curled up in a ball on the couch watching TV. I tried to eat a bowl of cereal, but after four bites, I felt nauseous. I really did a number on myself that weekend. I drank very heavily both Friday and Saturday well into the morning, as well as a few cocktails on Sunday, which was because I thought a little hair of the dog might help. NOPE!
After a while, I tried to fall asleep, but sadly all I could do was think about N. I started to tear up again, but refused to let myself cry. Finally, out of exhaustion, I fell asleep.
After some time, my roommate’s girlfriend came by. She was packing their things for their move to a new apartment. I needed someone to talk to, so I told her what happened. She gave me her take on the situation and offered advice. I didn’t fully agree with her on some things, but I knew she was right about most of it. It just wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I knew in my brain I needed to break up with him — the guy in which I had zero trust to be faithful to me. But, my heart was not in sync. It still wanted him — this great guy I met and integrated into my life so easily. I was torn. I knew if I just had hard proof, it would be the closure I needed to get over it and end things with him.
Nevertheless, I didn’t think our conversation was over. I didn’t have all the answers I needed, and if I was going to be treated like a second string booty call, this relationship was over. I asked him if he would be around that night since he couldn’t spend the day at home with me. He responded by telling me he completely forgot, until his roommate reminded him, he was going to her brother’s graduation party and would be spending the night. I would not see him for at least another 36 hours.
A big red flag went up in my head. Since I had no trust in him whatsoever, I began stalking him on Grindr. Was he meeting up with a man? Grindr would tell me how far away he was. I knew his job was 6 miles from my apartment. At one point that evening, he was 10 miles away, and then it jumped to 33 miles away. Of course, my brain racked over what the pit stop was. Did he stop at a Grindr friend’s apartment on the way to the party for a quickie? Who knew? This is was I was reduced to.
I was driving myself insane, so I took my frustrations out on someone who was bothering me for some time, Gatsbie69. The week before I met N on Grindr, I met what seemed to be the perfect guy for me also on Grindr. He was 28, and his name was Tim, or so he said. We talked for hours between Grindr and AIM. He emailed me numerous pictures of him and his hot body, but something never quite added up. Long story short, we discussed our lives and interests and matched up quite well. I was excited to meet him, except he always had an excuse why he couldn’t. Over two months, I did some research and came to find how much of a fake he was. I couldn’t figure out what he was getting out of this arrangement, and in my agitated state, I ripped into him that night on AIM. He denied the accusations, but with little fervor. When I finished telling him what an awful person he is, I made sure to make a full report to Grindr for impersonating someone else.
I needed to get out of my apartment. I was driving myself crazy. I texted my friends to see what everyone were up to. I didn’t care what it was. I just needed a distraction. K finally answered. I told her how much of a wreck I was. I explained my lack of appetite during the day (K knows how much I love to eat, so she knew how out of sorts I was), so she invited me over for dinner. I jumped at the invitation. I was at her apartment in five minutes. She made lobster ravioli, and I was able to stomach four of them. So if you’re keeping track, I had four spoonfuls of cereal and four raviolis. But, I couldn’t help it. The thought of food made me nauseous. At this point, I knew it was more than just a hangover. I was causing myself so much emotional distress; it was beginning to affect my digestive system.
I was stronger than this. I didn’t do this. This is not who I am. Why was I letting one boy’s folly tear me down? It was ridiculous! But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake it.
After dinner, I laid on her couch watching TV with her. We didn’t talk, but it was just nice to be with someone and watching mindless TV. She doesn’t realize it, but she really helped me that day. I haven’t felt that depressed in a long time, and I really needed a friend to be there. Thanks K!
When N posted pictures of the party to Facebook, I knew he actually went to the party. When it started to get late, I walked home. I didn’t want to keep K up, and I knew it would probably do me good to get more sleep.
When I got back to my room, I hopped into bed. My California King never felt so empty as it did that night. I know I didn’t want N in my bed that night, but I also know I didn’t want to be alone either. The nightmarish thoughts that were my love life ran though my head until I was finally able to doze off to sleep.
At the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 