Posts Tagged space

Postponed Plans

On Thursday afternoon, I made plans with Smiles to go out with him Friday night. We planned to grab dinner and then go out the bars for a night on the town finally. However, that plan would have to be postponed.

Thursday night, he sent me a text explaining he forgot he had dinner plans in Brooklyn and then a birthday gathering in the West Village. He quasi invited me, but added, “That’s probably not exactly what you meant when you said night out on the town,” he added.

I suggested we simply postpone our plans one night. It was still relatively early in our relationship, so some space can sometimes help. I didn’t want him to get tired of me. I would use the time to go out with my friends since I was spending many of my weekends with Smiles or traveling.

Friday, I went out in Hoboken with my friends. He texted me to tell me he got a new phone. I was thrilled to know he was thinking of me even though I wasn’t with him (Or, at least that is what was going through my head as I read it).

Saturday morning, I woke and was feeling very productive. For quite some time, I wanted to trek down to the Financial District to check out the Occupy Wall Street movement in Zuccotti Park. I wanted to take the nice camera from work with me to snap some cool shots of the protestors. I didn’t want to do this alone. It was something Smiles and I discussed many times. I tried texting him and then eventually called him to see if he would join me. He was doing work, so he wouldn’t be able to join me until later in the day.

Since I knew he was by his phone now, I sent him a sexy picture of myself from the summer with the caption, “Wanted you to have a sexy picture for your new phone.” He responded, “Haha. Love it!”

I tried a few of my other friends to see if they’d tag along, including LES. After much convincing, I was able to get him to join me, but under one condition. I had to come by his place to smoke first. I agreed and also proposed we use up my Groupon that was expiring that day.

When I finally got to LES’s place, we smoked and got on our way downtown in a cab. The sun was setting quickly, so I proposed we just grab something quick for lunch instead of using the Groupon.

We got downtown to the Occupy movement, and we began exploring. I took many pictures and was even approached by an editor from The Suit Magazine asking me to send her some of my shots. She was looking for pictures to use in an article.

After we had our fill of protestors, we made our way to Wall Street. While walking, LES said to me, “So what’s the deal with this other guy? How old is he? What does he do?” I knew exactly what that question was. I interpreted it to mean, “What does this guy have that I don’t? What makes him so special.” It was an awkward moment, but it was bound to come up at some point. I really liked Smiles, but I also really enjoyed LES’s friendship. I didn’t want to create too many waves or hurt anyone’s feelings. When we got to Wall Street, we found they were filming Batman, and we wanted to check it out. By the time we got there, they were cleaning up the “set.”

As I was walking LES home, Smiles called. He finished work and was ready for dinner. I wanted to go home, shower, change and drop off the camera before we went out. I told him I would meet him for dinner later, and we made plans. I felt very guilty having that phone call with LES walking next to me.

After I cleaned up and changed, I met Smiles in Chelsea for dinner. We had no location picked out, and ended settling on Elmo for dinner. Conversation during dinner was great. He had a very productive work day, and I feel he let me in even more. He was opening up more and more every time I saw him. We were finally peeling back the layers of that onion.

After dinner, he proposed we go over to Barracuda. I’d never been and have always been leery of it. I’m not a fan of gay bars. They make me uncomfortable.

When we arrived, I learned he knew two of the bartenders. I had met them before as well. They were both very good-looking and pretty unforgettable. They were at Smiles’ birthday gathering. Barracuda wasn’t anything like what I expected. I was expecting a flashy club like seen, not a dive bar. I immediately felt more comfortable.

That is until a tall overly friendly black man came up behind me and started feeling up my chest with his arms around me. He was a feisty one, and I wasn’t interested. I made that pretty clear by my extremely uncomfortable facial expression. Smiles on the other hand was playing ball. I assumed it was a friend of his, until I learned he never met the guy before. This was just Smiles being his charming self.

Because I wasn’t completely comfortable, I drank a little more excessively than I should have. On top of that, Smiles’ ex arrived. I had no problem meeting him and talking to him, but I did have a problem when Smiles said to me, “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to steal away with [him] for a minute. I haven’t seen him in a while, and I need to chat about some things.” Based on the interaction, I wasn’t worried that he was going to do something with his ex. I was more annoyed I was being ignored in a place I’d never been before where I wasn’t completely comfortable and knew no one else.

I entertained myself by watching the bartenders cutting off the tall black man because he was being obnoxious to everyone at the bar. However, for me, the drinking continued — In excess! I drank so much, the bartender started giving me free drinks. I drank my face off. I was hurt and p*ssed. This little chat went on for a long time. There was some flirting and maybe Smiles wasn’t 100% over him, but I was okay with that. It’s natural. I wasn’t okay with being ignored! When the conversation ended, Smiles said to me, “How come you’re so quiet?” What the hell was I supposed to say to that? — “I’m quiet because you just ignored me for the past half hour?”

Next thing I know, when I woke up in his bed, the first thing I noticed was I was naked. I never sleep naked. The second thing I noticed was some lube on my backside. I couldn’t for the life of me remember anything about the night before. I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember getting my coat from coat check. I don’t know how we got back to his apartment. I don’t remember climbing into bed.

I racked my brain to remember anything from the night before. The only thing I could conjure up was a flash of about ten seconds of sex with him on top of me. It was a very scary feeling! I’d blacked out before, but never have I blacked out sex. I was the only one ordering my drinks all night, but I couldn’t 100% rule out the possibility someone roofied one of my drinks.

I never mentioned to Smiles my panicky thoughts. There is no chance in hell Smiles would have done that to me, so I wasn’t worried in that respect. I knew he would never take advantage of me. I was probably pretty lucid in my drunken state, if previous history has anything to say. I was worried I may have done something to embarrass myself. I decided to play it cool and pay close attention to how the rest of the morning progressed…

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What Do You Want From This?

Tuesday came and went, and N and I barely talked. We usually messaged each other during the day at work on Gchat, but that day he wasn’t able to sign on. I was a little suspicious, but he said it happens periodically. I asked him to come over that night, and he said he would come by late. He wanted to go to the gym since he didn’t go the night before and ate and drank a lot at the graduation party.

I needed to further our discussion about what we were doing and where we were heading. I wasn’t satisfied with the current path laid out, so something needed to change.

When he came over, things were awkward. I didn’t get nearly the warm greeting I usually got. He hadn’t eaten, so he ordered a ton of food — Enough to feed three people. He also brought along supplies to smoke. We went out on the balcony so he could smoke. I was still feeling nauseous and not eating much. He mentioned smoking might be a good thing for my nausea. I hadn’t thought of that, and immediately agreed. The idea of smoking in my state wasn’t appealing, but the idea of feeling better sounded great at that point.

I asked him if we could talk about us. I wanted to get to him before his state of mind was altered. He responded, “Can I eat my food first?” Begrudgingly, I agreed, but this was torture for me. I knew it wouldn’t be a quick meal, and this was already eating at me for days. But, I would have to wait longer. We chatted a bit while I watched him eat, but the conversation was superficial and lacked substance.

When he was finishing eating, I was getting very flirtatious with him. I don’t know why I did this. Maybe I thought it was the only way to grab his attention. Maybe I was simply horny. Either way, we were making out in the kitchen and moved things to the bedroom. We had some fun and pleasured each other.

Warning: The following paragraph may be more graphic than you are used to reading here. When we got into bed, I started with the heavy petting and started using my mouth. After a short bit, we switched, and N gave me head. He always told me how much he enjoyed my dick and the taste of it. Whether or not this was just a line I will never know. I noticed immediately he was utilizing some new techniques. Of course my mind began to wonder where these came from? Another man recently perhaps? Either way, it felt great. Normally it took me some time to finish, but not tonight. He was finding all the right spots. I was very close, and right when he went deep, I exploded down the back of his throat. I didn’t make a noise when this was happening. I assumed he knew and that’s why he went deeper. When he pulled back, he asked why I didn’t tell him I was going to finish. I reminded him of an earlier discussion we had in which he told me I never needed to warn him of that. A big part of me did it on purpose. I did it in a power move. It made me feel like I had the upper hand. However, the power shifted almost immediately. He didn’t swallow all of my seed. A good portion was deposited back al over his hand. He motioned as if he was going to slap my chest with his semen-covered hand, but I protested. Instead, he quickly shifted and slid a semen-covered finger across my forehead and proclaimed, “Simba” and began to perform a victory dance around my bedroom. I have never before been so disrespected in my life. This one act solidified in my mind my status as his convenient booty call. No one disrespects someone they care about in this manner.

When we were finished, I ended up, arms folded, resting naked on his chest. Our faces were locked on each other, and I posed my question again, “Now can we talk about us?”

This whole time I felt like such a woman. I was doing all the things a needy girl does in a relationship, and I didn’t like it. But, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed answers, and I needed to know if he still had feelings for me.

So, I started the conversation. I asked, “What do you want from this?” I didn’t get a response. So, I posed another a better-phrased question, “Do you like where things are going?” He responded with a definitive yes. He explained he really enjoys spending time with me and thinks things were progressing well. I then asked, “Do you think we’re moving too fast?” Again, he said yes, and I agreed with him. We only knew each other a month and a half and he was spending almost every night in my bed. I took a lot of the blame here. I should have known better then to put us into that situation considering how new a gay relationship was for him. I asked if he wanted to take a step back, and again he said yes. I agreed and explained maybe we shouldn’t spend so much time together. In my mind, in light of recent events, I was already taking a step back to protect my own feelings. Now, I was going to give him all the space he needed. I was no longer going to be the first to initiate contact. I would respond to his messages, but I was going to give him a lot of space.

I know my hands were not clean at all. I had sex with another man. I justified it in my mind because it was just sex, and it was just to even the playing field for the suspected cheating. I had no emotional attachment to the man. But, in my mind, what N did at the bar was so much worse. I felt he was seeking out another relationship under my nose, not just a physical need. I now know how warped and hypocritical all this sounds, but at the time, it made sense to me.

I then took the opportunity to address N’s time spent on Grindr and at the gym. As he did two days earlier, he told me he was not actively seeking anything. He was just talking, “and not like ‘I want to stick it in your ass’ talking.” I knew better. No one just talks on Grindr. After all, it’s how I met N, and it’s how I met the random hookup. I wasn’t buying his line about just talking at all.

I told him if this was going to work, he needed to be completely honest with me. I could stand not being exclusive (or so I thought), but if that was the case, I needed to be kept in the loop. Looking back, I knew better. I don’t share my men. I knew that was not an arrangement I could be a part of, but I wasn’t ready to let him go.

We talked about how he didn’t need to spend every night with in my bed. He lived across the street. Some nights we could just do our own thing. He needed freedom, and I needed to give it to him if I wanted to keep him.

With that, it was starting to get late. I walked over to my phone and asked what time he needed to get up in the morning so I could set the alarm. He responded, “Well, I was going to go home.” I think my facial expression must have said a lot, because he immediately began to back peddle. He said, “No, but I’ll stay.” I said, “You can go home. You don’t have to stay. It’s fine.” I wasn’t even simply being passive aggressive. He insisted on staying now, and I gave him one more out. At this point, he pulled down the covers and got under the sheets.

The fact that he wanted to leave after our discussion painted a clearer picture for me. This was over. I didn’t fully know it yet, but we were done.

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