Posts Tagged conversation
Late Night Check-In
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on January 24, 2012
Sunday morning, I woke up alone. It’d been a few days since I saw Smiles. I wished he’d been with me that night, but he was at a party in the city — God knows what he was up to.
I was feeling a little down. I wasn’t happy with how things were looking between us. Every time I seriously doubted his investment in our relationship, he would do something to show he still cared, but shortly after, I’d step back and wonder if it was worth it.
I had a few errands to run that I put off the day before — Mainly getting food for the week at the grocery store. I wanted to be as efficient as possible, so I took the motorcycle out to run my errands. When I finished, I came home and crashed on the couch with my laptop and a few movies.
I stayed there until the sun went down. I got up only to get food and use the facilities. I wasn’t in a funk, but I was feeling rather lonely.
Shockingly, Smiles called me late that night. It was around 10:30, and he was making his was back from the final party. It was in Connecticut, and he decided to take the Mustang out. He was just making his way back to the garage when he called. It was sweet of him. He wanted to hear all about my weekend and wanted to tell me a little about the party. I was still a little sour grapes having to hear about a party I wasn’t invited to. I knew if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn’t have thought twice about inviting him. I would have wanted to spend the time with him.
He also told me he was beginning to get sick. It was no wonder considering he was up until 4:00am three nights straight. He’s no spring chicken and he certainly can’t party and hang. I told him my concern, especially since it wasn’t that long ago he had surgery. Suggested a few remedies to help him feel better.
However, I still found it sweet of him to call just to chat. I was very pleasant and cordial, but I was also in the middle of a movie. When the conversation hit a lull, I told him I was going to get back to the movie I was watching. It was something he’d done when I’d called him before, so I didn’t feel guilty. I started to get the feeling he called because he was lonely and bored on his way home. He’d probably made all his business and friendly calls for the night on the drive, and he thought to circle back with me before the weekend was over. I was annoyed at the thought, and I didn’t want that to come across on the phone.
He detailed for me the long journey home ahead of him. All I could think in the back of my head was, “Well… You could have had company if you’d just asked.” He was making me feel like a complete “woman.” I hate feeling like that. It wasn’t that I was being emotional, but I felt clingy and like I was chasing him — Not a good feeling.
We said goodbye. I went back to my movie, and he made his way to the subway to head home.
When he got home, he sent me a text to let me know he made it home. Here is a clear indication something is wrong in your relationship — When you get that message, and you think to yourself, “Who cares?”
Things needed to change. I didn’t like what I was becoming or what was happening. Change was inevitable…
Follow @onegayatatime“Friend”
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on January 17, 2012
Monday would pass by and I would not see Smiles. As was typical with Mondays, he had to work an event, so we wouldn’t spend the night together.
Monday I reached out to him to ask if he wanted to see the newest Twilight movie after watching the third together. I also have free passes to the movies in Hoboken because my friend lets me use his discount card on free movie Tuesdays. He was interested, so we made plans to see the movie.
When Tuesday arrived, he asked me if I minded putting the movie off until later and seeing it in the city. His friend was doing a gallery showing in Brooklyn, and he wanted to go out and support him. I was fine with this. The only thing it meant was the movie wouldn’t be free anymore.
When I finished work, I made my way down to his apartment. As I walked to his place from the subway, I called him to see if I could get him anything at the Starbucks a block from his apartment. He told me he would just meet me there. I placed my order and played on Twitter while I waited for him to arrive and get his coffee.
We walked to the subway while we talked about our days since we last saw each other. Luckily, the subway ride out to Brooklyn wasn’t too long because the train was packed. We spent most of the ride not even standing next to each other.
When we got above ground, he told me he needed to make a phone call for work and asked if I could find our way to the place. I pulled up the map on my phone and pulled him around while he talked to someone else. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this, but I dealt with it. A few blocks before the place, he finally hung up and explained what it was all about.
When we arrived, we made our way to the back of the bar where his friend was showing his photographs. He gave his friend a big hug. Then, as he turned to me, words that felt like daggers came out of his mouth: “This is my friend, [OneGay AtaTime].” I wonder if my expression gave away my pain.
We’d been seeing each other for two and a half months at this point. He’d referred to me as the guy he was dating previously. Why now was I just a friend? I would have been happy without the descriptor. He could have just used my name. From then on, I was a little turned off. I began to analyze our relationship a bit. I looked back at a lot of our interactions with a fine tooth comb.
I was shying away from the boyfriend term because I’d had bad pervious history with it, but it was a term I wanted to use. It seemed he was avoiding using even the phrase dating. Was I getting ahead of myself, or was he way behind?
He bought me a drink at the bar, and we walked around with the photographer as he described his process. I was still distracted by my own thoughts.
When we sat down for a bit, and man approached and asked how we knew the photographer. Smiles described how he is an old friend from work projects and how he took pictures at his birthday gathering. The man explained his relation and told us what he did for a living. Smiles and he got into a long discussion about production. I sat quietly by, nodding my head. I didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation.
When Smiles tired of the man, he used me as an excuse. “I’ve gotta get this guy some food, or he’s gonna kill me,” he said. He told his friend we were heading out to get dinner, and I said goodbye.
As we walked back to the subway, Smiles b*tched about the conversation he had with the man. It was getting into a bit of a p*ssing contest towards the end. Then, he realized he needed to call someone else about the work project, so he was on the phone the entire walk back to the train once again.
I was feeling pretty unappreciated to begin with, but this was really getting to me. Why was I with him? He should have just canceled on me. I was still analyzing our relationship over the past two and a half months as I always do, and I wasn’t thrilled with the results.
We made our way back into the city and debated whether we would grab quick dinner and still try to catch the movie or just go for dinner. We wouldn’t decide until we were above ground and checking out showtimes for the movie…
Follow @onegayatatimeNight of Surprises
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 29, 2011
After an attempt to make lunch plans, Smiles and I were striking out to find time to get together after a week apart.
I told him I was heading home for the night and was about to leave work. However, I was pleasantly surprised to get the text, “Meet me for a drink at Extra Virgin. I haven’t heard from [my friend] confirming dinner yet, so I’m guessing it will be closer to 8:00 or he will flake.” I wasn’t thrilled with being second choice/fall-back, but I knew this was a friend he hadn’t seen in years who was in the city from L.A., so I was understanding.
I agreed to meet him and texted him when I arrived at the restaurant. “Oh goodness. I’ll be there in 10. Btw, I forgot I have a call from 6:00 – 6:30. My life is a pain-in-the-ass sometimes,” was the response I received. It didn’t help I was already feeling like an afterthought. Now I was learning the little time I had to spend with him was going to be interrupted by a half hour phone call.
I’d already been waiting for him for 15 minutes before he arrived. We exchanged a quick peck and a hug, and he suggested I could go inside while he made the call. I told him I could occupy myself outside while he took care of business.
While he talked with his movie team about next steps with their film, I sat on my phone playing with every app I could think of to pass the time. I checked my WordPress stats. I answered emails. I read everyone’s Twitter post that day. Anything I could do to keep busy.
When he finished his call, we grabbed a seat at the bar. The bartender was struggling to harvest a pomegranate, so I offered to help her. Smiles pointed out my culinary experience and told her she was in for a real treat. She was all too happy to receive my advice, as this was one chore she abhorred. After running to the restroom to wash my hands, I demonstrated for her how she could save herself some time and energy. She was very appreciative of my advice and thanked me.
Smiles and I placed our drink orders. We chatted over drinks on the spinning stools. I made it a point to turn my stool so I was facing him and our legs were interlocked. I heard all about his holiday on Long Island and the craziness he went through upon his return with his client. I told him about my relaxing trip home, my dysfunctional family, my Black Friday adventures, and my slow day at work.
At one point he had my his arms extended with his hands on my thighs rubbing them. He flippantly made the comment, “I love your big manly legs.” This was the first time he’d ever complimented my physically, so I took notice. He continued to rub them and massage them, and I continued to melt inside.
At that moment, he checked his phone and learned his friend wouldn’t be able to do dinner that evening, so they agreed upon breakfast the following morning.
With that, he turned to me and asked if I’d like to get dinner somewhere. Surprised, I told him, “Well. We’re already here. Why don’t we just eat here.” I was expecting to get the boot at any moment throughout the course of the evening, but instead I was extended a dinner invitation. Once again, I was happy to get to spend time with him.
We quickly placed our dinner orders and continued our conversation. Our dinner was very pleasant, and our meals were excellent. After we finished eating, we split the bill and began to walk down the street.
As per usual, when we reached the crossroad between his place and the PATH, we said goodbye. And, as per usual, it was said with a simple kiss and a gentle squeeze. I pulled him back in for another kiss and made it more than a peck. He smiled, and we said goodbye.
When I got back to Hoboken, on my walk to my apartment, I texted, “Mmmmmmm. I like you. You make me happy… Just felt the need to say that…” He responded twenty minutes later, “Awwww. 🙂 Thank you.” Clearly, he didn’t feel confident to reciprocate the sentiment just yet, which stung slightly, but then again, I already knew I was ready to move faster than was…
Follow @onegayatatimeYou Make Me Smile
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 16, 2011
Over the next few days, I thought a lot about my relationship with Smiles. It was a constant roller-coaster. As far as relationships go, I am an infant. I’ve had all of five real relationships in my life, including this one. I was still learning how to be in one.
I needed to clear my head. For three days straight, I woke up early to run. It was the perfect way to start my day, I allowed me time to think without really being distracted, and I was able to work towards my spiteful goal of losing my pudge as Smiles so gently pointed out.
It was also beginning to be quite a busy week for me at work. Tuesday I worked until midnight. I talked to Smiles that night when I had a break to make dinner plans with him for the following night. Since I started dating him, I purchased a lot of Groupons for restaurants, so I thought it was time to start using them up. I was eating out at restaurants a lot more than I would have if I weren’t dating Smiles. This was the perfect way to lighten the blow to my wallet. As I left work, I texted, “Dinner tomorrow night maybe? Just leaving work (12:00) :(”
It wasn’t until the morning when I got a response: “Morning! Just getting this. I went to bed early last night. Dinner tonight works.” I explained the Groupon I purchased for Philip Marie in the West Village and asked him if he was okay with the choice. “Sounds good if you get off before 12!” he replied.
Later that Wednesday afternoon, Smiles called to make sure I was still getting out on time, otherwise he was going to grab dinner with some of his friends. I got where he was coming from, but it also felt a little like he was trying to get out of our date. I assured him I would not be working late. As the afternoon progressed, he asked about what time we’d meet, joking about “a blue plate special at 6:30” when I told him I’d be done around 6:30/7:00. We made plans to grab dinner at 7:30. I took the opportunity to slip a joke in there about his grandpa status and his ability to make it until 7:30, and he retorted by saying, “I’m stressed. It makes me sleepy. I’ll bring my cane.”
We sat in the front window of the restaurant, and after we ordered drinks, we dove into conversation. We talked about family and career goals among other things. He talked about his desire to be beyond financially stable so he could spend more time with his family. He is not originally from the Northeast, so spending time with his family isn’t the easiest or most convenient. He also talked about his desire to build an empire. He is very passionate about a lot of different business ventures, many of which are sound ideas. However, sometimes I worry he tries to take too much on his plate at once.
The conversation was great. It was a conversation two people in a relationship would have, not two people who were just dating. I joked with him, “You’re going to be the next Nate Berkus.”
Oooooo, did I get a look! Apparently, Smiles met him in the past, and isn’t the biggest fan of him as a person. “Okay. Note to self: Don’t equate you to Nate Berkus ever again,” I said with a smile.
When the waiter came to ask us about desert, Smiles started a conversation with him like he always does. He asked if we were his only table, and the waiter described his other table. It was a man and a woman who he suspected were on a first date. We joked about our date. While we weren’t on a first date, he was learning all kinds of new things about me, such as my penchant for Black Friday shopping. He took the opportunity to take a few playful jabs at my sanity while we all had a good laugh.
After we paid our bill, we started to walk the five blocks towards the PATH. Instead, we walked about eight blocks. That was about the time Smiles realized we’d gone too far. He questioned the situation, but I explained how I was enjoying the conversation and was willing to walk back up to the PATH if I needed to. We were standing in front of a liquor store while he finished the story he was telling. When he finished, I grabbed his jacket and pulled him in closer so I could kiss him. For the first time, I felt like we were really kissing. We exchanged many affectionate kisses before finally pulling away from each other.
At that point, he said, “Why don’t you live in the city?” I laughed and replied, “Was that a subtle hint? I’m not that far!” And with that, I walked away with a smile from ear to ear. I finally felt like we had moved beyond going on dates with each other. We were dating. We were in a relationship, and I was very happy!
When I got back to Hoboken, I sent a text, “You make me smile 🙂 .” Shortly following he responded, “That’s a good thing cause I ain’t so easy to like all the time!”
I was REALLY HAPPY with everything that night. I was getting the validation I needed. I was also looking forward to Friday. That was the first time I’d be able to see him next since I play volleyball every Thursday. That would also be when I would once again attempt to seduce him and attempt to roll around with him in bed…
Follow @onegayatatimeA Lovely Morning
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 14, 2011
Saturday went by and I didn’t talk to Smiles all that much. I was disappointed about being rejected and was still wondering if it was my own issues preventing us from getting between the sheets.
I sent him dirty text messages (not me in the picture) when I woke up about what I wanted to do to him, and surprisingly, he was responding positively. I couldn’t understand why he would be playful over text, but when push came to shove, I got the cold shoulder.
I wasn’t going to give up on him over this. Sex is important, but it’s certainly not the end all and be all of a relationship for me.
He invited me to come into the city to grab brunch with him and a friend. We made plans to spend a majority of the day together. I was on a mission to seduce him once again. After my chat with Boston, I was ready to broach the subject if I was denied once again.
I decided to resort to one of my old tricks. I started watching porn to get myself excited and raring to go. I thought I could use the material if I got to a place of desperation.
And with that, I hopped on my motorcycle and rode into the city through the Holland Tunnel. I parked on the street and walked up the stairs to his apartment. I brought an extra helmet with me so I could throw Smiles on the back if we were traveling around the city.
He decided we should walk to brunch since it was such a nice day, and we weren’t in a rush. We stopped at Starbucks to grab coffees while we walked. As we made our way to the West Village, we popped into a few stores, from clothing to eyewear stores.
Our destination was a familiar one. Smiles’ friend was meeting us at Extra Virgin. I had no idea who this friend was, but Smiles told me I probably met him previously at his birthday gathering. The three of us arrived at the restaurant around the same time. We all sat at a table in the back corner. Indeed I had been introduced to the friend previously, but we only chatted briefly.
Ironically enough, I couldn’t tell which team this friend played for. It wasn’t until he asked advice about a woman I realized he was heterosexual. There was nothing flamboyant about him, so it was no reflection on him that I couldn’t tell. It was more of a guilt by association thing.
He was a really nice guy, and I was thrilled to be included in the conversation throughout brunch. I am good at diving right in, but when two people in a group of three have a strong long-standing friendship, the third can be marginalized at times. This was not the case. The friend was quite interested in what I do as he works in a similar field of communications.
When brunch was over, we said goodbye to the friend. Smiles and I were on the hunt for a branch of his bank make a deposit. In the meantime, we hit up a few stores and walked around most of SoHo. Smiles was scoping out every bakery we passed along the way. I could tell he wanted something to satiate his sweet tooth. I was egging him on as we walked, but he resisted.
Finally, we made our way back to his apartment. I had been getting calls and emails from work all day. It became necessary for me to go into the office. Luckily, I had the motorcycle in the city with me, so I could shoot up there quickly without issue.
Smiles had plans to meet a friend about a business proposal over coffee, so I told him I would give him a ride on my way to my office. He got changed while I waited, and we were off.
I always like having him on the bike behind me. He’s the first guy to truly embrace the situation. He always inches forward on the seat so he’s right up against me, and he tightly wraps his arms around me. I relish every minute of it. When we stop at a traffic light, I make it a point to rub his leg or grab his hand. I find it romantic ironically enough.
I had to spend about an hour at the office, but the second I was able to leave, I darted back downtown to Smiles’ apartment. He’d already been home from coffee, and I couldn’t wait to be with him again. He really did make me happy. I was also very horny. The porn from the morning worked to get my engine revving, and I was ready to get busy with him. I wanted him in the worst way — Traffic could not move fast enough…
After sitting in tunnel traffic near his apartment, I finally arrived. I rang the bell and climbed the stairs hoping to find a happy ending once I reached the top…
Follow @onegayatatimeGreat Story, No Climax
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 12, 2011
Things weren’t exactly progressing smoothly in my mind between Smiles and I. In fact, things weren’t progressing at all when I come to think of it.
Instead of abandoning my relationship with him, I decided to put forth greater effort to ensuring its success. I’m not one to quit without a fight, so when Smiles texted me to ask how my day was going, I was quite elated. I told him it was going well and was anxious for work to be over. We made plans to go to dinner that evening after work. I was looking forward to it and was ready to make sure it wasn’t a repeat of our last date.
In turn, I asked him about his day, and he responded with an explanation. I explained I wouldn’t be done work until a little later, and I wasn’t sure exactly what time that would be. One of my coworkers was dragging his feet, and my day was beginning to drag on. It was a Friday, and I wanted nothing more than to see Smiles after a long day.
Smiles was running errands in my neighborhood and called when he was finished. I had a feeling I would be done shortly, but there really was no telling when I’d finish. Smiles occupied himself for some time. When he called again to check in on me, I was able to tell him I was about to be walking out the door. He was about to hit up Barracuda to have a drink with his bartender friends, but instead, we picked a place to meet.
I snuck up on him on the street and startled him with a big hug. We exchanged a kiss and started to walk towards Chelsea. We quickly found a spot to grab dinner. Smiles wasn’t drinking, but I certainly needed a drink. I ordered a glass of wine and took a big swig. I’d been talking up a storm from the time we kissed on the street. I was going to make sure the conversation flowed like a waterfall. He was well engaged all throughout dinner at Bar Baresco. I really felt very comfortable with him and was appreciating his company greater. It was night and day difference from the last date we had. I was realizing why I fell for him in the first place. No awkward pauses. No blank stares.
During my workday, I began drafting plans to build my new closet since I was moving. Smiles had much experience in this sort of thing, so I asked him for advice and to look over my plans. He gave his suggestions, and I appreciated his advice.
When we finished dinner, we hit up Barracuda. Smiles suggested it because he figured we’d say hi to his friends. When we arrived there, we found they weren’t working. Smiles ordered us two drinks. After relieving myself, we found a quiet corner to tuck ourselves in to sit and chat.
We discussed age and the ability to hang. He talked about how he used to be able to go out all the time all night long. We talked about growing older and looking forward to staying in and sitting on the couch on a Friday night.
We were growing even closer. As time progressed, I realized he was growing weary. I asked if he would like to get out of there, and he gladly obliged, but not before we played around with his scarf in about 20 different permutations around his neck and head.
As we walked outside, I proposed coming back to his place with him. He agreed. I thought I was sending a pretty clear signal of my intentions. We walked over to Seventh Avenue to hail a cab to no avail. I was not properly dressed for the weather. I was freezing. The Smiles did one of the sweetest things. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me to keep me warm. I reached up and grabbed his arms and brought him in closer. It was extremely romantic, and I wasn’t about to let this moment run away from me. It took a long time to get a cab, but I was relishing every second.
When we finally hailed one, we hopped in. He extended his hand beckoning for mine. He was winning me over big time! It was a complete 180. I was thrilled with his new-found affections. It painted a clearer picture of his true feelings for me. He was still interested in me. I was thrilled.
When we arrived at his place, he started cleaning. I kept yelling at him to stop. I didn’t care about the condition of his apartment. I would have liked to think of myself no longer as company, and more as companion. He sat on the couch, and I sat on his computer chair facing him while we chatted. After a while, I realized how ridiculous this setup was. I aimed to remedy it. I got up, walked over to the couch, moved the pile of papers from it, and sat next to him. He looked slightly uncomfortable by this, and I couldn’t fathom why.
He suggested we move to the bed. My goal was being accomplished. I was all too happy to move things to the bedroom. We climbed onto his bed. We talked and then began hugging each other. This morphed into spooning.
I was happy and hoping this would progress to sex, but I was sorely mistaken. After spooning for about ten seconds, he had his fill. He was ready to go to bed, and apparently I wasn’t part of that scenario. He went to brush his teeth, and was giving me all the signals it was time for me to go.
We said goodnight and exchanged a kiss at the door. Yet another night without sex. It was an enigma to me. I couldn’t figure him out. He spent the earlier portion of the night being utterly sweet and affectionate, but when it came time to end the night, the sparks were quickly doused.
I wished the night ended on a more positive note. I would have liked to go home a happy satisfied man, but yet again, I was debating in my head Smiles’ attraction to me…
Follow @onegayatatimeQuite a Cast of Characters
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on December 1, 2011
Yesterday’s video got great reception, so I decided to include another video I came across lately thanks to Smiles. I think it’s amazing shots and a very emotional piece. On top of it, the music is spectacular! Hope you like it!
On with the story…
Monday came, and I had a very light day at work. I was hoping Smiles would ask me to grab dinner, but alas, nothing. I was always the one to initiate dates, and I needed to see if he would take the initiative for once.
I gave up all hope and went home without hearing from him. Surprisingly, while lounging on the couch in front of the TV, I received an email from Smiles. He wanted to know what I was up to for the night. I logged onto Facebook to chat with him. “They are partying in the streets below me. I’m getting cage crazy,” he typed. I forgot about the Halloween parade that was happening in his neighborhood since I didn’t partake in the Halloween festivities this year.
I responded to him, “What do you propose?” He suggested coming to me since it was so crazy where he lived. I explained I was already home, but I would come back into the city to meet him for dinner. When he learned this, he said, “Oh, no don’t do that. I thought you were still at work.” I suggested he could also come out to Hoboken, which prompted the response, “I’ll get [my friend] and keep myself entertained.” That’s not the response I was looking for. I told him I was bored and really didn’t mind coming back into the city (So much for playing hard-to-get). He told me he felt bad, but I assured him I was as close as I’d be if I were still at work.
We picked a convenient place where we could find each other in the melee of the Halloween parade. We walked around the West Village and found a cute spot to grab dinner, Hudson Corner Cafe. There was a slight wait, so we hit up the bar. Once again, I was a little taken aback by the charisma he showed everyone at the restaurant. From the host to the bar tender to the waitress. He always made it a point to be personal with them, and I found it incredibly sexy.
We ordered drinks outside our comfort zones at the bar until a table was made ready. I wasn’t 100% sure, but I thought he switched the drinks when the bartender served them. Interestingly enough, we tried the drinks the other was served. I didn’t like his, and he wasn’t thrilled with mine. When we sat at the table, we ordered another round, and the waitress clarified the confusion. It worked out well considering we liked the other’s drink better.
We ordered our food and chatted while we waited. I was surprised the conversation was flowing so easily since I’d just seen Smiles the day before. When the food arrived, he commented on how little food I received. We split a brussel sprout salad, and he encouraged me to take a much larger portion. It was a very sweet gesture. We talked a lot about work and his aspirations. I was being very encouraging, but I also gave him my strong opinion on the situation. He was trying to find a typical office job while struggling to reinvigorate and old company he started years earlier. I knew that was his passion, and he would be very unhappy with a desk job. I told him he was at a great advantage. He didn’t have a comfortable job he wasn’t thrilled with that he was stuck with because it was a paycheck. He had the freedom to do whatever he wanted. He should just take a job to have a job. He took my advice to heart, which I really appreciated.
After dinner, we walked the streets. We passed someone in an amazing E.T. costume like I’d never seen before. We decided to grab desert at Magnolia’s Bakery before more walking. I made friends with a few British pigs in a blanket while waiting in line. We ate as we walked, and when we finished, we were near the PATH station. He asked, “What do you want to do now?” I was under the impression he was dropping me off, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t think very quickly, but I suggested we head over to the parade and check it out.
Smiles had his camera, so we snapped a lot of pictures of some special characters along the way. We finally arrived at the parade and watched for a short while. When we had our fill, we continued on. Smiles suggested we go into a bar. This sounded like a great idea to me considering I already thought our night was going to end a while ago.
When we walked into the bar, Julius’, Smiles needed to use the facilities, so I attempted to order us drinks. For some reason I had no luck with this task. Usually this is my forte since I’m 6′ 2″. While standing there, an old man was creepily eyeing me up. He wasn’t being nonchalant about it at all. His eyes were burning a hole in me. I made NO eye contact with him, even though he was standing two feet away from me. When Smiles returned, he magically had no problem getting service. He commented I wasn’t smiling, and that’s why I wasn’t getting service. (Probably cause I felt uncomfortable).
We drank our beers and had a chat about weight. I joked about the Magnolia’s stop and the beer and how it would affect my waist. He casually made a comment about my weight. This wasn’t the first time he alluded to my size. Over the summer, I was extremely confident about my body, but once fall arrived, I put on a few pounds. By no means was I fat, but I wasn’t as sexy as I was over the summer. I asked him,”What’s your waist size?” He told me and was shocked to learn mine, 32″, was only one inch larger than his. He couldn’t believe it. I wanted to point out to him we share similar body shapes, even though I think he thought I was heftier. I made a lot of jokes about losing weight not for him, but in spite of him. I was making it a serious goal to lose weight just to prove it to Smiles I could. He looked at me with skepticism. I still couldn’t believe he was basically calling me fat, even if it was playful.
After we finished our beers, we continued to a bar he frequented, Diablo Royale. He knew the bartender quite well. We found a nice corner to stand in and chat. We took in all the costumes around the room. I remember specifically realizing I didn’t feel 100% comfortable with Smiles yet. I questioned this. We’d been dating for some time, and while I enjoyed his company, I felt I couldn’t completely relax. It was as if I was on a constant audition.
When we had our fill of the night, he walked me to the waterfront. Even more than usual, there was quite a cast of characters walking around. He pointed out a piece or property he’s had his eye on for some time he’d like to develop. I agreed with him about the possibilities for the property. That night, he was opening up to me more about work. I liked learning about that side of his life. I shared a lot of the passions he had in that respect. Finally, he walked me back to the PATH. It was 12:30, and I knew I would be heading home. This was one time I wasn’t hoping/expecting to go home with him. I had to work the next day. I was still shocked and very pleasantly surprised the date didn’t end after dinner. He gave me a kiss, and I hopped on the PATH.
He was quite sweet and affectionate that night, but we still hadn’t completely clicked. Something was still missing, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…
Follow @onegayatatimeI Think We Need to Talk
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 3, 2011
Finally, Tuesday night, N agreed to come by so we could talk. When he arrived, we exchanged a quick kiss on the lips. You could cut the tension with a knife. We started with some banter between us and my other roommate while I finished emptying the dishwasher. When I finished, I asked him if he wanted to go out on the balcony.
I knew what was coming, and I knew what I needed to do. I also knew a lot more than he thought I did. I let him go first, fully giving him the opportunity to come clean about his transgressions.
He opened with many, many praises. Two that stood out in my head were good-looking and disgustingly generous. I liked that part. At least he acknowledged what a full package I was, but apparently he didn’t realize it if he was there to break up with me.
We started to chat about his weekend and why he never called like he said he would. He recounted the story as the following: Friday night I passed out on the couch. T woke me up in the morning at 7:30 on the couch with a dead phone. We drove down to Amanda’s and the day got away from me. I didn’t call because I didn’t know what to say to you.”
IMMEDIATELY, I called him out on his lies. I pointed out I knew he never saw Amanda all weekend. He copped up and told me he went down the shore with his family. The way his new story progressed, he got a ride down the shore with his roommate after being woken up on the couch and met up with his parents for the rest of the weekend.
Things still weren’t adding up. I shook my head and told him I knew he still wasn’t being honest with me. He looked at me with a questioning expression. I explained how Grindr pegged him 17 miles away at 2:00am. Immediately, he shook his head and said, “I’m such a bad liar. Why am I lying!? Ok. So Friday night, I met a guy at Elmo in the city with two of his friends for dinner. Afterwards, we went back to his place on Staten Island. Nothing happened. We just hung out and then I went home.” Even then, he was still lying. No one comes back from Staten Island to Hoboken at 2:00. It would take four hours. You’d have to be insane to do that. Inside, I was crying. It was hard to hear. Outside, I was strong.
Going into this conversation, my goal was friendship. I knew we could not date any longer, but I hoped to still have him in my life as one of my best friends. However, he was making it very difficult by lying to me. My friends were much more honest with me than that. I knew what I knew and that’s all that mattered. If he was going to continue to lie to me, that was his choice.
He said, “This is not how I expected things to go.” I said to him, “You thought you were just going to come over here and rip off the band-aid?” His response: “Touché. This isn’t who I am. I don’t lie. You can ask [my roommate].”
Now, it was my turn to come clean. I had to tell him about Mr. Grindr, and I did. “I’m not going to stand here and pretend to be guilt free.” I told N I met him on Grindr. It started innocently, but when he started to suggest otherwise, I went along with it. I told him it was no emotional connection, just sex, and it was just my way of evening the playing field when I suspected him of cheating on me. I only told him about the first time we hooked up. He had no idea. I think I blindsided him with this information. My intent wasn’t malicious. But if I was going to cheat on him, I was going to have to deal with the consequences. After all, we weren’t exclusive, so I did nothing wrong according to “the rules,” but we all know what I did was wrong. I apologized for hurting and betraying him.
He asked if we hooked up in my bed and if he slept in my bed the same night. I simply replied, “I’m not going to get into the details.”
We began to talk about how we were going to proceed. It was going to be difficult at first, but eventually, we would be friends. He apologized for our timing being off. He told me he really liked me and spending time with me, but he just ended his long-term relationship with his last girlfriend shortly before meeting me. He was not ready for another serious relationship.
I took the opportunity to give him some advice. I’m not sure whether he appreciated it, but I think he did. I told him if he got into a relationship with anyone else, he owed it to them to be honest about extra curricular activities. We live in a climate when HIV is a serious threat to both his and his partner’s safety. I also told him I didn’t think he was scared enough of the possibility of HIV. Furthermore, I explained to him how wrong he was for hitting on my close friend Boston. He apologized emphatically. I explained to him if he wanted to have a more open relationship, he should have spoken up. I would have been open to that from the start, but when I thought we were progressing towards a serious relationship, how would I know to act any other way.
Finally, I told him if we were going to be friends, he needed to be more honest with me. “What do you mean?” was his response. I had my next words planned precisely. “Grindr is a small world. That’s all I’m gonna say.”
“What does that mean?” I told him I wasn’t about to elaborate or sell someone out, but I knew he still wasn’t being honest with me. He really wanted to know more details, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. I already knew what he was trying to do behind my back, and in the end, I got the guy he was chasing.
At this point, he had to go home and do some work before the morning. He turned to me and said, “Can I have a hug?” I happily responded “YES!” and we shared a nice embrace. We walked inside, and as he walked out the door, we shared one more long embrace and a sweet kiss goodbye.
I finally got to say my piece, but I wasn’t fully at peace. His dishonesty still bothered me. I thought he had more respect for me — Obviously not. It just proved to me we weren’t meant to be together. Deep down I still had affectionate feelings for him, and that would take time to get over. But, we were over. Only time would tell how our relationship would evolve.
Follow @onegayatatimePlaying it Cool
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 28, 2011
The conversation and actions the night before helped me gain perspective of my relationship. I was beginning to get to a better place. I knew exactly where I stood. N was enjoying the time he spent with me, but I wasn’t a priority in his life. With that, I was no longer going to make N my top priority. For the sake of my own emotional state (and apparently the state of my digestive system), I needed to manufacture some distance between us.
I also needed distractions. If N was leaving the door open for other men to walk through, so would I. That day at work, I fired up Grindr and began once again to cast out the nets. I found a few good looking men to occupy my time. I started messaging them and receiving responses.
One man in particular showed exceptional interest in me. He had an attractive body and seemed to have a level head on his shoulders. We talked about our common interests and occupations. Once I felt comfortable with this man, I proposed we meet. He agreed. We were both slated to finish work around 5:30, so we planned to meet at quarter to 6:00. Work ran slightly late for me, so I didn’t meet up with him until about 6:00. We met at a coffee shop near his apartment. We grabbed a bench outside the shop and introduced ourselves after I apologized for running late. After a few minutes, we both went inside and ordered iced teas. Being the gentleman I am, I paid for us both.
We returned back to the bench outside and had a very nice discussion about where we came from and what we did for fun. He mentioned something about work, and I asked him to elaborate about his job. What he was doing sounded very interesting. Not something you hear every day, and he seemed to be enjoying it. In the middle of our conversation, we were interrupted by a text message on his phone.
Earlier that day, he explained he was planning to meet his workout buddy after we met. This is who texted him. I don’t know if he ever explained he was on a “date,” but in any case, he told me his buddy was getting impatient. He was already at the gym just 2 blocks away. He apologized, but he needed to go. He asked if we could meet up again sometime soon, and I obliged. He was attractive and seemed nice enough, but I certainly wasn’t overly thrilled with the over package. He also prioritized his gym buddy over making a formidable first impression on me, which is never a good sign. Whether we would meet again or not would be decided by the fates. If it seemed to work out, I wouldn’t fight it.
That night I went home and met up with friends on the pier to watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s on the outdoor screen. I informed them about my situation with N and the date I went on earlier. They offered their full support and told me I was doing the right thing. On another positive note, my appetite was slowly returning, so I was able to pick at some of the snacks we all brought.
When I finally got back to my apartment, I showered and climbed into my bed. I didn’t talk to N that night, and he was not coming over. This time when I climbed into bed, my outlook was different. I didn’t have to work that hard to find men who were interested in me and found me attractive. So, no longer did my bed feel big and empty. It felt the perfect size for me to sprawl out and get a good night’s rest.
What Do You Want From This?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 27, 2011
Tuesday came and went, and N and I barely talked. We usually messaged each other during the day at work on Gchat, but that day he wasn’t able to sign on. I was a little suspicious, but he said it happens periodically. I asked him to come over that night, and he said he would come by late. He wanted to go to the gym since he didn’t go the night before and ate and drank a lot at the graduation party.
I needed to further our discussion about what we were doing and where we were heading. I wasn’t satisfied with the current path laid out, so something needed to change.
When he came over, things were awkward. I didn’t get nearly the warm greeting I usually got. He hadn’t eaten, so he ordered a ton of food — Enough to feed three people. He also brought along supplies to smoke. We went out on the balcony so he could smoke. I was still feeling nauseous and not eating much. He mentioned smoking might be a good thing for my nausea. I hadn’t thought of that, and immediately agreed. The idea of smoking in my state wasn’t appealing, but the idea of feeling better sounded great at that point.
I asked him if we could talk about us. I wanted to get to him before his state of mind was altered. He responded, “Can I eat my food first?” Begrudgingly, I agreed, but this was torture for me. I knew it wouldn’t be a quick meal, and this was already eating at me for days. But, I would have to wait longer. We chatted a bit while I watched him eat, but the conversation was superficial and lacked substance.
When he was finishing eating, I was getting very flirtatious with him. I don’t know why I did this. Maybe I thought it was the only way to grab his attention. Maybe I was simply horny. Either way, we were making out in the kitchen and moved things to the bedroom. We had some fun and pleasured each other.
Warning: The following paragraph may be more graphic than you are used to reading here. When we got into bed, I started with the heavy petting and started using my mouth. After a short bit, we switched, and N gave me head. He always told me how much he enjoyed my dick and the taste of it. Whether or not this was just a line I will never know. I noticed immediately he was utilizing some new techniques. Of course my mind began to wonder where these came from? Another man recently perhaps? Either way, it felt great. Normally it took me some time to finish, but not tonight. He was finding all the right spots. I was very close, and right when he went deep, I exploded down the back of his throat. I didn’t make a noise when this was happening. I assumed he knew and that’s why he went deeper. When he pulled back, he asked why I didn’t tell him I was going to finish. I reminded him of an earlier discussion we had in which he told me I never needed to warn him of that. A big part of me did it on purpose. I did it in a power move. It made me feel like I had the upper hand. However, the power shifted almost immediately. He didn’t swallow all of my seed. A good portion was deposited back al over his hand. He motioned as if he was going to slap my chest with his semen-covered hand, but I protested. Instead, he quickly shifted and slid a semen-covered finger across my forehead and proclaimed, “Simba” and began to perform a victory dance around my bedroom. I have never before been so disrespected in my life. This one act solidified in my mind my status as his convenient booty call. No one disrespects someone they care about in this manner.
When we were finished, I ended up, arms folded, resting naked on his chest. Our faces were locked on each other, and I posed my question again, “Now can we talk about us?”
This whole time I felt like such a woman. I was doing all the things a needy girl does in a relationship, and I didn’t like it. But, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed answers, and I needed to know if he still had feelings for me.
So, I started the conversation. I asked, “What do you want from this?” I didn’t get a response. So, I posed another a better-phrased question, “Do you like where things are going?” He responded with a definitive yes. He explained he really enjoys spending time with me and thinks things were progressing well. I then asked, “Do you think we’re moving too fast?” Again, he said yes, and I agreed with him. We only knew each other a month and a half and he was spending almost every night in my bed. I took a lot of the blame here. I should have known better then to put us into that situation considering how new a gay relationship was for him. I asked if he wanted to take a step back, and again he said yes. I agreed and explained maybe we shouldn’t spend so much time together. In my mind, in light of recent events, I was already taking a step back to protect my own feelings. Now, I was going to give him all the space he needed. I was no longer going to be the first to initiate contact. I would respond to his messages, but I was going to give him a lot of space.
I know my hands were not clean at all. I had sex with another man. I justified it in my mind because it was just sex, and it was just to even the playing field for the suspected cheating. I had no emotional attachment to the man. But, in my mind, what N did at the bar was so much worse. I felt he was seeking out another relationship under my nose, not just a physical need. I now know how warped and hypocritical all this sounds, but at the time, it made sense to me.
I then took the opportunity to address N’s time spent on Grindr and at the gym. As he did two days earlier, he told me he was not actively seeking anything. He was just talking, “and not like ‘I want to stick it in your ass’ talking.” I knew better. No one just talks on Grindr. After all, it’s how I met N, and it’s how I met the random hookup. I wasn’t buying his line about just talking at all.
I told him if this was going to work, he needed to be completely honest with me. I could stand not being exclusive (or so I thought), but if that was the case, I needed to be kept in the loop. Looking back, I knew better. I don’t share my men. I knew that was not an arrangement I could be a part of, but I wasn’t ready to let him go.
We talked about how he didn’t need to spend every night with in my bed. He lived across the street. Some nights we could just do our own thing. He needed freedom, and I needed to give it to him if I wanted to keep him.
With that, it was starting to get late. I walked over to my phone and asked what time he needed to get up in the morning so I could set the alarm. He responded, “Well, I was going to go home.” I think my facial expression must have said a lot, because he immediately began to back peddle. He said, “No, but I’ll stay.” I said, “You can go home. You don’t have to stay. It’s fine.” I wasn’t even simply being passive aggressive. He insisted on staying now, and I gave him one more out. At this point, he pulled down the covers and got under the sheets.
The fact that he wanted to leave after our discussion painted a clearer picture for me. This was over. I didn’t fully know it yet, but we were done.
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 