Posts Tagged settle down
Before you jump into today’s post, I’d like to bring to your attention a story a reader shared with me last night. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I was so touched by their story. Check it out here.
Back to our regularly schedule program:
When CK and I got home after a long night out on the town, we argued about the timing of the following morning. I was insistent we would keep our plans, or I would leave him behind. I wasn’t going to flake on Boston because he wanted to stay out at the bar that night. I realized we weren’t making much progress, and we were only staying up longer by arguing, so I set my alarm and climbed into bed.
The next day, I woke up and started reaching out to Boston. Much to my chagrin, he wasn’t responding. I tried over and over and over again via text and phone, but still no response. I’d already managed to get CK up, and he was being incredibly cooperative considering how early it was and how little sleep we got. I wasn’t happy because I got in an argument with CK over this, and now Boston was flaking on me. I was trying so hard to salvage this so CK wouldn’t flip out on me when I told him Boston wasn’t responding. I hit up Hip to see if he’d be interested in the beach. It’d been some time since we hung out, and I thought it would make CK much happier to have one of his friends there. I asked D and his girlfriend if they wanted to join us at the beach, and surprisingly, they were in. They would just be joining us a little later. I also reached out to my sister, and I learned she was driving out to the beach. We were planning to take the train, but now that Boston was missing in action, I asked her if she would give us a ride. Now, I had to manage the logistics of getting someone from Brooklyn, CK and I in Hell’s Kitchen and my sister coming from Hoboken through midtown coordinated.
CK and I were making great time. We hopped in a cab, and it was looking like we would all get to our meeting point at the same time. I couldn’t have been happier and more stressed. My sister arrived a few minutes before us, and we all piled into her car and were off to the beach. This was the first time my sister met Hip. I had a feeling they would get along since Hip is such a mellow guy and easy to get along with, but in her usual fashion, she took a little warming up. Once she warmed up to him, they were really hitting it off.
As we drove, I texted Boston telling him we were on our way and invited him to join us out there when he and the girl he was staying with got moving for the day, but I had a strong feeling I wasn’t going to see him. About half way out there, he finally called and told me he was way too hungover to come out to the beach. He offered to meet up later that evening, so I told him I would hit him up on my way home.
We arrived at the beach and spread out, taking over a solid chunk of beach. D and his girlfriend were on their way and would be joining us shortly. This day was going so much more smoothly than I ever thought possible. The weather was gorgeous, and we were all having a blast. I was really enjoying being with such a great group. Everyone was relaxed and having fun. We took a picture together, and we all agreed it was the picture of the summer. Now that summer is over, I can testify it was, at least for me.
Later in the day, CK and I decided to go for a jog/walk. It was nice to separate from the group for a little and take a nice stroll. We talked about the night before, and he apologized. He also thanked me for such a great day. The biggest smile grew across my face. I know I was stressed that morning and annoyed how things were playing out, but it was all worth it to have such a fun and carefree day. I was so happy with him. I loved him, and I couldn’t see myself with any other man. He was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
We stopped to take pictures on the rocks of the jetty. This quickly turned into a typical CK photo shoot, which I’m not the most thrilled with. I’m not a fan of having my picture taken because 99% of the time, I hate the results. I don’t like being in the spotlight, but CK does. When I take the pictures of him, I know these pictures will be sorted through as fodder for his Instagram feed. This is yet another account of my attention not being enough. He still needed the attention of his adoring fans. I wasn’t crushed by this. I have thicker skin than that, but it didn’t exactly have a positive effect on my feelings. On top of that, I knew everyone was about ready to go home when we started our walk. I didn’t want to make them wait too long to leave. I tried to be a good sport and shot some pictures of him and even let him snap a few of me, but the time came for me to insist we return to the group.
As we walked back, we passed two hot and I can only assume straight men walking the opposite direction. As we passed, CK not only made a comment regarding their aesthetic, but took the conversation one step further and asked if I would ever entertain the idea of fooling around with another couple (acknowledging a previous unprovoked sentiment I stated expressing my lack of interest in ever bringing another person into our relationship). I immediately started getting very anxious, and my heart sank a little. I was immediately taken back to the previous night with him looking around the bar to see who was looking at him. I was right back to worrying I would not be enough for him. My heart beat started pacing. I immediately and definitively expressed to him my feelings on this, and I think he recognized how worked up this was making me. I told him this was my worry when I finally came out. I didn’t know if I could ever find a man who would settle down with me and give me a “traditional” relationship. I realized that’s not for everyone, but that’s what I wanted. It’s not something I wanted to compromise on, nor do I think it’s something I should budge on. Now, I was worrying if CK was the right man for me.
“This isn’t something I want. I just wanted to know if you would be open to this,” he said. I responded, “If it’s not something you want or you’re interested in, then why did you bring it up? If this is coming up now when everything is fresh and fun, how’s it going to be ten years from now? Will I ever be enough for you?” He started backtracking immediately. He put his hands on my shoulders and said, “Babe, you are who I want. No one else. I was just asking the question, not proposing we do it.” I explained to him how worried I was that it was even brought up. He managed to calm me down and acknowledged that knowing that was off the table does not make him want to stop dating me. He added, “You have nothing to worry about. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I was a bit more relaxed, but I was still questioning if I was enough for CK. It had been the theme of many of my past relationships, and I didn’t want to go through that again.
When we got back, we all packed up and headed home. On the ride home, I fell asleep in CK’s lap. Unbeknownst to me, Hip and my sister we’re now like two peas in a pod. They were having so much fun together blasting music and weaving through traffic. D and his girlfriend were following, so when traffic came to a halt, Hip climbed up through the sunroof and started making faces and flailing around at them.
When we got back to the city, my sister dropped the three of us off at CK’s. He needed to pack an overnight bag before we went back to Hoboken for the night. We hung out for a majority of the evening before finally taking the bus to the other side of the Hudson River. Not before getting ice cream, of course. In the end, I didn’t get to hang out with Boston before he left town. It just didn’t work out. Maybe I’d have to wait another year to finally see him.
All in all, it was a great day. I had so much fun hanging with my friend and CK’s friends. It was completely refreshing to see his friends getting along with my friends. It wasn’t all roses and sunshine, however. I was still worried I wasn’t the man CK was looking for. I worried I was looking for him to settle down with me, and he wasn’t quite ready for that. It’s not that I didn’t trust him to not cheat on me so much as worrying we didn’t have the same relationship goals and outlook. Only time would tell if our paths were heading in the same direction.
My Friday off was certainly an eventful one. I spent the better portion of the afternoon planning and participating in my first real threesome. I was already starting to judge myself and question all my recent behavior. A large part of me knew this was not who I was. I was completely acting out, but another part of me realized these were my gay “formidable years.” I never hooked up with guys in college while all my male friends were taking girls home from the bar. This was my wild time. Basically, I was giving myself license to have emotionless sex for sport.
That being said, I was still searching for the guy who would get me off Grindr and be the reason to settle down. I’d already gone on one good date with Chelsea. He asked what my plans were for the evening. I told him I had none since I had the day off, and he asked if we could do something together. I didn’t feel like doing anything crazy or going out, so I requested a lazy night in and suggested he come to my place. “Cuddle night?” he replied. “Definitely,” I said.
I still felt a little disgusted with myself for my afternoon behavior, but I also hoped maybe he could help distract me. He would certainly be something to get my mind off it. I took all my sheets off my bed and threw them in the washing machine. I hopped in the shower once again. I needed a cleanse.
I texted him back and told him I would make us dinner, and we could watch a movie. He agreed that sounded like a great idea, but he told me he’d already eaten. I made myself something quick before he came over.
“Do I have to come back to NYC late by myself?” he added. I told him he could certainly spend the night. In fact, I would very much enjoy that. He tried to convince me to come into the city, but I wasn’t about to budge. I’d already done one date in his neighborhood. I didn’t want to go into the city that evening since I wasn’t already there for work. He painted a better picture of what I was asking him to do: “Mind you, I don’t even go see my friends in Brooklyn. So this better be scoring me some hefty points! Haha! LMAO. You can ask my friends how much of a NYC snob I am. I’m like who? What? Why? Do I need a passport? And does Jet Blue fly there?” I quickly responded, “This isn’t my first rodeo. You’re not the first guy I’ve stolen out of the city.” Every guy I’ve convinced to come over to Hoboken has fallen in love with it and become an advocate. I am slowly introducing the NYC gay community to the great city of Hoboken one gay at a time :).
He agreed to stay over, as long as we agreed to behave. I told him I had no problem with that, and I appreciated him wanting to take things slow. I was very surprised by this, considering we met on Grindr, and I learned he’d done the hookup thing more than a handful of times.
When he arrived, I got him some comfortable clothes to wear, and we settled in on the couch with a few refreshments. We went through the guide trying to find a movie to watch. Finally, we settled on Drive, with Ryan Gosling. We laid on the couch with him in my arms the entire film. It was nice to snuggle with a man. It was very romantic. We both thoroughly enjoyed the movie, and when it was over, it was decently late. We decided to head to bed.
I found it adorable he didn’t take his shorts and shirt off when we went to bed. I don’t exactly sleep naked, but I have a hard time sleeping with clothes on. I find them restricting. I stripped down to my boxer briefs and encouraged (playfully removed the shorts I lent him) him to get comfortable before spooning with him a little. He warned me about getting too fresh, but I told him to relax. “I’m just trying to cuddle, not rape you. Stop fussing,” I jokingly stated. He did relax, and we got into a comfortable spooning position before finally dozing off for the night.
That night, neither of us slept very well. He was a thrasher and constantly woke up. I didn’t mind too much because I didn’t have anything to do the next day but lounge around. It was nice change to be sharing my bed with such a sweet guy. This had potential, and we certainly weren’t rushing things…Follow @onegayatatime