Posts Tagged confident

Flip the Crazy Switch

I woke Monday morning to find myself all alone. After spending nearly forty hours straight with CK, it’s no wonder I felt alone. Two mornings in-a-row I woke in the embrace of an amazing man who made me utterly happy.

Utterly happy until I became utterly confused. I still had no idea where the conversation came from Sunday afternoon. He peppered the weekend with some of the thoughts he had about taking things slow, but this conversation came out of nowhere. I was not putting pressure on him to put a label on things. I never mentioned anything of the sort. I wasn’t even becoming clingy or stalkerish.

Almost always, he was the one to pick up the phone and call. I would send the periodic text message, but I was always sure to do so sporadically. Since Wednesday night, when he mentioned the need to talk to me about something in person, I’d been walking on eggshells. I was also slowly preparing myself for just this type of news.

I had lots of questions. A large part of me wished he never brought up the subject. Who was this other guy? How does he fit in the picture? So far, all I knew about him was they met around the beginning of the new year, they would see each other about once a month and go out to dinner as friends, and they would do things as more than friends. We were not exclusive. I’d known him for two weeks. I never had that expectation. A part of me knew that wasn’t the case the moment he blocked me on Grindr.

The fact that this was a policy made sense on paper, but when you look at the emotional collateral damage that policy has, it seems absurd. If he was so happy with me, why did he need to be on Grindr at all? Was he still getting sex out of his system? Fine. Not happy about it, but I get it. But a time will come when he’s going to have to $hit or get off the pot. I don’t wait around forever. My timeline, if anything, has shrunk after guys like Smiles stringing me along for three months. There would come a time when I would have to be enough for him, or I would be nothing for him.

I have to say, I was a little shocked with how well I was handling this. I was so proud of how much I’d grown. Normally this kind of information would make me a nervous wreck. My mind would be closing gaps between spotty information with whatever it chose to create. Maybe my suspicions would be on point. Maybe they’d be way off base. Maybe I’d make another assumption and cheat on him like I did with N. That was not going to be the case this time. I was stronger. My expectations were far more realistic. I was not following A’s advice of continuing to keep up a roster, but he was. I was okay with that. But there comes a time when you have to settle down and narrow the field to one. Who knew when that would be?

It was so contradictory as well. That afternoon, I received a text from him saying: “Baby, I can’t get you outta my mind. And, I’m totally ok with that. Hope you’re having a good one xoxo.” It’s obvious he was interested in me.

After an awesome workout at the gym, I left feeling confident and happy. It was a good workout. I kept thinking about how I wanted to look good for CK, but also, if things didn’t work out, I’d be a sexy man waiting for the next guy to sweep me off my feet. This is what was different about me. I wasn’t emotionally putting all my eggs in one basket.

I came back to my office and chatted with J on gChat. I told him the situation, and he was just as perplexed as I was. He saw the same picture painted I did. He also came to the same conclusion: “I have no idea how you should proceed,” he said. It was then I decided the best thing for me was to ignore the conversation completely. We weren’t at that place yet to have that talk. I wasn’t going to face what he told me until I needed to, which J pointed out to me would be in about two to three weeks based on my typical timeline. I agreed that around one to one and a half months in, I would get restless and need answers.

That evening, I was writing blog entries. I picked up the phone numerous times to call CK, but better judgment kicked in for once. I put the phone down, after stalking his Twitter account a little and went back to writing. That’s when I received a call from CK. He was at a work event and took the time to call. We made tentative plans Sunday morning for me to spend the night either Monday or Tuesday. I had been curious if he’d call and if our plans would stick. Indeed they did. He asked if he’d see me the following night. He had tickets to a Johnnie Walker scotch tasting. Little did he know how good friends Johnnie and I am. He asked if I’d be his plus one and suggested we grab dinner and go back to his place after. I agreed, and he asked if he could call when he got home later in the evening to give me more details. One thing I have to give him credit for, he was incredibly considerate and when he said he’d call, he always delivered. That is until that night. He never did call. I’m not going to lie when I say my imagination was already getting the better of me. However, I couldn’t make any assumptions.

This time, I would be brave and speak my mind. I wouldn’t wait two more months at the sake of a failing relationship just so I had something to hold onto. No. This time would be different. This time I knew what I wanted, and I was going to get it – If not from him, than from a more deserving man.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Comments

It’s About Time

Today is a Fast Forward Monday!!!  

My apologies to those who have come to expect Fast Forward Fridays. I have been traveling for work/pleasure, and I got caught up in things. I haven’t had a chance to write the second post, so I’m making up for it today. Hope you are enjoying these. It will help bring the blog a little closer to real-time. If you’re keeping up with the stories chronologically, please skip down to this morning’s post first, then read this one. I think it’s a good one! Enjoy!

Back to your special edition of One Gay At A Time…

After missing the opportunity to finally meet my online friend after almost a years time chasing each other around, the day finally arrived when I was scheduled to finally meet him in the flesh. This was well overdue, and I was quite excited. I wasn’t about to get ahead of myself, but the suspense had been building up for quite some time.

We discussed where we would go for drinks or dinner and finally settled on Charritos, a Mexican restaurant I’ve been to on numerous occasions. In fact, this wasn’t the first date I took there. We planned to meet at 7:30. I knew the place didn’t take reservations, but it was a Monday night on a holiday weekend. I figured everyone was home getting ready for the coming workweek. It also wasn’t the nicest night, as snow was in the forecast, so I thought we’d be alright.

When I arrived, I was immediately proved wrong. I stood in front waiting for him to arrive noticing every table (all 8 of them) filled with diners. Finally, he arrived, and we attempted to go inside out of the cold. Even this proved difficult since there was nowhere to go once we were in there. While we waited for a table to clear, we awkwardly chatted.

This was surprisingly difficult. He seemed so incredibly flirty online and charismatic, and the man standing in front of me was a very shy reserved individual. I couldn’t get over it. Where was the guy I’d been chatting about my body and sexual interests in detail? Where was the flirt?

We talked about work and the weather. It was a struggle to find a topic to discuss. Everything felt forced. It wasn’t awful, but it certainly wasn’t what I expected.

Finally we got a table and sat. After we ordered, we started to chat a bit more. I asked most of the questions. He always responded in detail, but he never asked a question in turn. That may have helped the conversation flow much more freely, but it wasn’t there. I had to volunteer all my information. I feel awkward talking about myself when I wasn’t asked to. It was as if I was interviewing him for a job.

One topic we got on was siblings. I don’t know why, but that topic has been coming up more and more frequently on my dates. I’ve actually noticed it and tried curbing it. I learned about his siblings as well. It was nice to hear he came from such a similar family dynamic.

We talked about his job as well. I was very intrigued by it. He told me all about his schooling, his specialty in the field relevant to the gay community, his boss, the clinical work he does… This was really shaping up to be quite the catch of a man. He was very sweet and thoughtful. However, our chemistry was not mixing AT ALL! It was so disappointing. On paper he looked so good. Online, he seemed a sexual match for my libido. In person, he was a mouse. Night and day from my expectations.

After quite a while, the waiter basically asked us to leave. There were people waiting for a table, so they kicked us out. I was more than a little p*ssed, because I thought it was very unprofessional and rude, however, it was time for the date to conclude.

We’d already talked about him coming over to my apartment before the date. I was still very sexually attracted to him. I wondered if he’d relax when he was out of the public eye. As we walked outside, I asked him where he parked and told him I’d walk him to his car. I was hoping for a signal along the way to show his interest. I thought he’d drive me to my apartment and come up.

When we got to the car, it was the complete opposite. I hope you can understand my explanation without a diagram:

I thought we’d at least say a proper goodbye. I was hoping for a kiss considering all I could think about during the meal was how good his lips would feel. When we got to the car, I stood on the sidewalk, and he walked to the front passengers panel in front of the rearview mirror. That would have been fine. I may have even used the car as a backboard for a strong kiss, BUT there was also a chopped off parking meter between him and myself. Yes. A metal pole about four feet tall was between the two of us. I don’t think he could have strategically showed his lack of interest any more other than to simply get in the car and drive away.

We said goodbye, and I told him it was nice meeting him. He said, “Likewise.” That’s when I grew some balls and took what I wanted. I moved forward, reached my long arm over the pole, hooked it under his arm around his back, and pulled him in for a kiss. It wasn’t a long kiss or a makeout session, but I certainly wasn’t going to be satisfied with a peck.

And with that, I turned and walked home in the flurries falling from the sky. I was still a little blown away by the lack of spark during the date. I wasn’t even ready to go home. I decided to stop by my friends’ place on the way home and say hi.

I came in and we caught up on what’s going on with each other before I told he and his wife about my awkward date. He was a little baffled by it as well. He couldn’t understand what was going on. He really loved the parking meter pole story as well. I was so nonplussed.

I sulked home after saying goodnight to my friends. When I got home, I was curious to see if he was back on a4a. Surprise! I was right. I wasn’t going to get past this immediately. I needed to ask him about what happened.

“Surprise, surprise. Look who’s on here,” I messaged him. We chatted a bit awkwardly about the date. He messaged me back: “I was waiting for you to ask me to come back.” He wanted to come back to my apartment. He even brought his c*ck ring and poppers with him. I was so confused, and I made that clear to him. He wasn’t aware of his mixed signals, nor was he aware of the pole. He just thought I wasn’t interested since I walked him to his car. It was all a big misunderstanding. “I had a good time. I thought the conversation was nice,” he added. That doesn’t make up for the awkward date however. That just cleared up the mixed signals at its close.

Just to satiate my curiosity, I told him we would have to try to fix what went wrong when I got back from my work trip to San Francisco. He agreed, so we kept in touch over the next week.

I decided to see what was going on with the southern guy. He texted me to see how my weekend was, so I picked up the phone and called him. Again, we talked for almost an hour while I packed. This completely made up for my awkward date. I was really looking forward to getting back so I could finally meet him. Hopefully this one wouldn’t be as big a disappointment.

In the morning, I had a message from my new southern gentleman caller. He was asking for a picture of my “morning excitement” we’d discussed previously. I denied his request and told him he’d have to wait to see the real thing. This was my way of getting him on the ball about meeting up with me.

I also got a text message from my friend and recent neighbor. It was very sweet of him to do so. I needed to make it a priority to hang out with him when I got back to New York.

All that would have to wait on the backburner… The following day, I was headed to San Francisco for the week for work. Waiting for me were two men. One I attempted a long distance relationship with whom I would meet for a cocktail. The other, a great confident and online friend whom I was extremely excited to meet in person, especially in the bedroom…

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment