Posts Tagged promise

Suspicions Raised

Let me first start off today’s post by apologizing for my extended absence. I’ve been quite busy as of late and have a lot going on in my life right now. I promise you I will make a more concerted effort to dedicate time to the blog. I am truly touched by those who reached out to me expressing both concern and unhappiness regarding the lack of posts. I will do my bet not to let you down. That being said, on with the show…

I’d been dating CK for 2.5 months. To some, that may seem like a long time. To others, it’s the lifespan of a fruit fly. For me, I didn’t see it as a definitive amount of time. I saw it as a period during which my relationship was growing and evolving. Over the course of that time, I was learning. I was learning a lot about CK and about myself. I was learning what it takes to be in a real relationship of substance. I was trying to do things the right way this time, however, there is no right way. You just make it work. I was struggling with trusting CK.

I was constantly aware of the medium in which we were introduced to each other, and I was relatively aware of CK’s past. They didn’t instill the greatest of confidence in me. On top of that, I was still carrying issues with me from the other men who hurt me. I’m sure, by now, you’re tired of hearing about that, but I can guarantee you weren’t as tired of carrying that around as I was.

I had a few suspicions. I chalked them up to my over-active imagination, and I managed to put them aside.

One thing CK and I differed on was gay friends. I didn’t really have too many of them in my posse. Sure, Boston always gave me sage advice, and one of my volleyball teammates I’d known since high school was gay, but it’s not even enough to field a full team. Since I didn’t have too many gay friends, I never did get some of the idiosyncrasies that came with them, such as calling my gay male friends gerrlll. It just wasn’t part of my vernacular. But, one slow day at work, I pulled out my headphones and watched The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert on HBOGo, and finally I got it. It made sense to me. I didn’t see myself throwing it around all the time, but I finally got the bond it signified.

Speaking of gay friends, one of the few I had was visiting New York that weekend. It’d been a long time since I last saw Boston. I was very excited anticipating his arrival. I hoped we could hang out while he was in town. We’d both gotten rather busy, and we found it hard to make sure we kept in touch. However, he wasn’t arriving until the weekend.

Friday morning, I woke up to the sound of CK’s alarm blasting while he laid sound asleep. I roused him to turn it off, and I was wide awake. I motivated us to get out of bed and toss around the medicine ball while watching TV and eating breakfast. When we finished, my blood was flowing, and I was feeling rather frisky. I attempted to seduce CK, and it worked. We had less than little time since we’d already leisurely worked out and ate, but I could tell he was also feeling frisky. I didn’t have to go to work because I had a random day off, but CK did. He conceded to having sex, but insisted I give him a ride to the PATH on my motorcycle before we continued. It was a deal.

With that, I pounced. There was little I enjoyed more than morning sex. I was almost always horny and raring to go first thing, but after working out, I certainly needed a release. We had GREAT sex that morning. It was passionate and rough and gentle in all the right ways. I couldn’t get enough, and I couldn’t keep my hands off him. As amazing as it was, the clock was ticking, and CK had a meeting to get to at work. We needed to stop. That certainly wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I knew it was the right thing to do. We hopped in the shower, and he finished getting ready for work.

When he was ready, I drove him to the PATH and kissed him goodbye. I sped home and finished myself off. It was all I could do to last that long. He really got me going, and like I said, I needed a release. After all the foreplay and sex with CK, the explosion was quite forceful and bountiful. It was a shame he wasn’t there to witness it.

CK texted me from work asking me if I wanted to see Magic Mike that night. I figured it’d be a really fun experience for us to go, so I was definitely in. What I wasn’t aware of was that he was planning to invite his old fling, Old News. I wasn’t thrilled with this idea, but I went with it because he was a friend. What I was thrilled with was Hip and Old News setting up a date, but when I learned that never really took off, I was disappointed. I didn’t really have anything against him. He was a nice guy, but he was a nice guy who happened to like my man. This was going to be part of growing for me. I needed to learn to trust him. But, it wasn’t really CK who I didn’t trust — It was Old News. In the few interactions I had with him, it was clear to me he wasn’t over CK yet. He wanted more, and I was clearly in the way of that. When CK opened up movie night to other friends, I did the same. I reached out to P to see if she wanted to join us, and I was thrilled to hear she would be joining us.

Before we went into the city to meet up with the other two, I prepped P. I asked her to do me a favor. I asked her to watch the interaction between CK and Old News. I wanted someone else’s perspective on the situation. I needed to know if it was just my imagination or something I needed to keep an eye on. She agreed to observe and report back.

P wasn’t the only one to whom I’d brought attention to my issue with Old News. CK knew I thought he still had a crush on him, but he was in denial. He didn’t agree with me. He pointed out the frank conversation they’d had in which CK explained to him extensively their friendship and nothing more. I wasn’t convinced, and that night, someone else would determine for me once and for all how to proceed with Old News.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 Comments

Southern Hospitality

After my lukewarm date with the doctor, I was ready to get back out there in search for a man.

I’m happy to report, which I’m sure some of you may have suspected otherwise, I was doing a great job of staying off Grindr. Granted, it was a short period of time, but I was thoroughly proud of myself. I felt like I’d joined GA. Every day not having meaningless sex was another day of Grindr sobriety.

Tuesday after work, I arranged another date with Southern Drawl. The last date was a bit crazy. Footsie under the table. Shenanigans in the bathroom. I was curious if he’d be able to behave this time or would he be looking for another quick trip to the bathroom.

We texted during the day to lock things down. I proposed The Breslin. I’d always loved their food, their drinks and their ambiance. He shot the idea down because he said the place was always full of hipsters. I had always been a fan of Sala 19 in the Flatiron District, so I proposed we go there for dinner. It worked out well because it was halfway between our offices. He agreed.

I had to wait at work for him to finish. When he did, I made my way south to meet him. I met him on the street corner, and we walked to the restaurant.

Dinner was very nice. He was well-behaved, and the conversation was good. I told him about my allergist appointment, and he told me about his day. We talked frankly about our last date. We discussed what went on. I learned he’d never done anything like that before. I was also learning about the guys he’d dated since living in New York City. When we originally spoke on the phone, I was under the impression he was new to the gay world. I thought he’d never really dated anyone before. Now, I was learning about all the guys he dated in NYC, as well as the guy he dated through college that he said I so strongly reminded him of and resembled. It was a bit unsettling.

In the middle of dinner, he told me he’d ended things with the guy he was seeing. He explained they’d only been seeing each other for two weeks, and things were never that strong. When I probed him to ask if he left the other guy because he met me or if he did it because he wasn’t satisfied with the previous guy, he told me it was the latter, but part of it was also due to meeting me. A big red flag went off in my head. Would he leave me for a better model?

I still wasn’t sure about him. I liked talking to him. I liked being with him. He was smart. He was nice. He wasn’t flamboyant, however, I wondered if maybe he was too “straight.” He was a bit homophobic. I’m not the most open about my sexuality. I’m not out to everyone at work. I don’t openly advertise my sexuality. However, if he wasn’t comfortable with himself, how could we be comfortable with each other. I couldn’t be sure about him. Was he right for me? I had no idea. Only more time could tell. I was keeping a distance as we moved forward. We had a connection, but was it strong enough to last? Was it what I wanted?

In our conversations, his southern entitlement shined through. It was an incredible turnoff. Where was the southern charm I’d seen so many times in movies. When I think of the ideal man, I think of Matthew McConaughey. He definitely has an ego and self-confidence, but he also exudes charm and sexuality. His confidence is not in your face, and he seems down-to-earth. Southern Drawl fit the other Hollywood archetype — The Southern plantation owner. He had an air or superiority that was hard to swallow. Many times, he laughed off these comments, making them seem like a joke, but I wondered if there was really something deep down that was more genuine. I wasn’t ready to date a snob. That $hit wouldn’t fly with me. I wasn’t going to let him get away with it, and I’d already started calling him on it.

When we finished eating, we split the bill and walked north to the PATH station. I said goodbye to him ont he street with barely a hug. He was uncomfortable exchanging a kiss with me in front of a city of strangers. I wasn’t thrilled by that.

On my ride home, I questioned why I was continuing to see Southern Drawl. He was definitely interested in me, and I was still intrigued by him. I wasn’t ready to write him off just yet, but I didn’t see a lot of promise or potential. I would continue to see other men and continue to see him until I was ready to make a definitive decision.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 Comments

Not Every Day is Eventful

After I learned my lesson with cheap haircuts and learned how much more I can spend on top of the original cost to have them fixed, I decided to pay more attention to who was cutting my hair.

The opportunity arose for me to purchase a Living Social for the New York Shaving Company for a haircut, a shave and free shaving cream for $36. I jumped at it because I was about due for a cut. My hair had grown in considerably since Smiles and I had the barber fix it in Brooklyn. The location of this establishment was also an added bonus — Not far from Smiles’ apartment.

I decided to get a new cut before New Year’s Eve, so I made an appointment for Wednesday night following work. I figured I would get cleaned up and then visit Smiles before heading home for the night. We’d texted during the day and I told him of my plan to get a cut and shave and told him I would try to swing by after since I was in the neighborhood.

I have to say, I was really impressed with the place and they did a great job. I was quite uneasy with the cut immediately following because it was so short. It was shorter than the last time, which was a bit of a change for me to get used to. Now I was going even further. It also made me realize the chill outside since I was far less insulated from the bitter cold that night.

As I walked through the streets of SoHo carrying a side table in a large box I’d ordered and shipped to work, I pulled out my cellphone and called Smiles to see if he was home. My hand and face froze in the bitter cold as we I waited for the phone to ring, but I got no answer. After two short rings, it went to voicemail. I knew he’d “sidebarred” me.

However, I was upset for not, because a minute later, he called me back. He apologized for hitting the wrong button when picking up the phone. He was trying to run around to get ready because he was meeting a friend for drinks. I tried to see if he’d be home for another five minutes, even if all I got to do was say hi and give him a kiss, but alas, he was already running late. I was disappointed I wouldn’t get to see him. He did promise to call me later that night before going to bed.

I course corrected for the PATH and made my way back to Hoboken, but not before texting a few other friends to see if they’d meet me for dinner at the Village Pourhouse in Hoboken. I had a Groupon I needed to use up, and it was late. I didn’t want to go home and cook dinner. I also didn’t want to be alone. After not getting to see Smiles, I felt a little lonely.

I quickly stopped home and dropped off the table. I said hello and goodbye to my roommates and made my way to the Pourhouse. D and K decided to come meet me for dinner. It was nice to see them and catch up. I hadn’t seen them in some time.

After dinner, I went home and watched TV. The time came for me to go to bed, but it would be without a phone call from Smiles.

I went to work the next day and learned Smiles was attending the opera that morning from his Facebook status. Considering he took me to the opera a few weeks earlier, I was curious who he was there with. I started to become suspicious, but I had no grounds.

Then I felt quite guilty when he called me during intermission to see if I was available to step away from “work” to grab lunch. I was thrilled. He never did this sort of unplanned thing. I told him it wouldn’t be an issue at all, and we picked a place to meet. It looked like my prayers of him finally asking me on a date were answered.

I decided to take him to Kyo Chon. I’d gone there before on a friendly lunch with a guy I’d met on Grindr and rather enjoyed it. It wasn’t that great this time around. I could tell Smiles wasn’t all that happy with it either. His wings were a little hotter than he could handle. He started sweating in front of me.

After we finished out lunch, Smiles was on the lookout for ice cream. He pulled out his phone to search for it. We walked to a Baskin Robins, but he wasn’t thrilled with the idea. I told him about the Ben & Jerry’s in Macy’s Herald Square, and he was much more content with the idea of that as long as time allowed for me to continue to be away from work.

I took him on a mini tour of Macy’s after we got ice cream to scope out some of the areas. I’d always liked the 1½ floor there. It’s the “designer” floor, and the people there have always taken great care of me, acting almost as a personal shopper. He was turning his nose up at the commercialism of it as if they weren’t “real” designers. I don’t buy all my clothes there, but to me, all I needed was the Ralph Lauren section to keep me happy.

Smiles was talking about his need to revisit his energy specialist, but he was debating whether to go home and go later because he needed a nap. He called to see the hours and learned he’d have to kill an hour somewhere or come back up to midtown later. I invited him to come up to my office to kill time. I wanted to show him our penthouse in the shadow of the Empire State Building, but he had decided on the nap.

I said goodbye to him and he hopped on the subway south.

That night I went out with friends. I thought about Smiles while at the bar and decided to text him, but got no response. I was being a good wingman to a friend that night, so I concentrated my efforts on that.

He texted me back in the am to tell me he stayed in for the night studying. He planned to go shopping for the day, and I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day. I called him because I wanted to discuss our plans for New Years, but I got no answer. We messaged each other on Facebook briefly that night to tell me he was going out with a friend. I still didn’t know quite what we were going to be doing to close 2011. I didn’t need to know for any reason, but I was curious what was in the plans.

This was another night he’d be going out with his friends and I mine. I started to think about that. He’d never invited me out for his boys’ night out. He never asked about my nights out in Hoboken with my friends. If we were in a relationship, we’d be meeting each other’s friends at this point, but that wasn’t the case. It seems we weren’t in a relationship at all. All the pieces were coming together, but I wouldn’t get the final piece until New Year’s Eve. That would be my gauge on how to proceed. It appeared my timeline had a new distinct end. Or would it be a beginning?

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments