Posts Tagged texting
Was that a Date?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 22, 2011
I first downloaded Grindr as I was pushing back from the gate on my flight to San Francisco for business. Upon my return, I often played around with it at work. Early in my Grindr experience, I found a VERY sexy torso to strike up a chat with. The guy seemed very level-headed and not simply interested in hooking up. I also discovered he worked across the street from me.
But, when I asked him to hang out, he got very shy. He told me he was very picky and wasn’t that interested in meeting someone. I asked if he would grab a drink after work sometime, and he kinda let me down easy. Periodically, I messaged him after that just to say hi, but I never got much of a response. It was disappointing. Finally, I gave up.
Then one day, out of the blue, he messaged me. He asked if I had just been in Bryant Park sitting on a park bench for lunch. I was impressed and thrilled he recognized me without having met me. Ironically enough, I was on a lunch date with someone from adam4adam.com.
We chatted about the chances of him picking me out of a crowd in the city. I brought up the idea of getting a drink together. A month passed by since the last time I asked him. This time he was ready to play ball, maybe since he saw me in person? Not exactly sure. Either way, I convinced him to send me both his number and a picture of his face. At this point, I’ve had so many guys’ numbers in my phone, I needed some way to keep them straight (the first sign I was becoming a whore). My strategy was to get pictures of them to attach to their contact profile. I’m much better with faces than names.
A week later, on a whim, I sent him a text asking if he would be interested in grabbing lunch that very afternoon. I knew it was a long shot since it was such short notice, but why the hell not. Much to my surprise, he agreed. I had to run into a meeting, but would be able to meet immediately following since my work for the day was pretty much over. I told him to pick a spot. He told me he’d get right on it.
We met in the square between our offices and walked to KyoChon for some excellent wings. I had never been there before, so he explained all the ins and outs to the place. We took our food and grabbed a table upstairs.
He was great company. The conversation started immediately when I met him. The whole walk over we chatted about careers and how we got where we are today. The conversation still flowed while we ate. There were no awkward pauses or hiccups. I was very comfortable with him. He also had a great smile, something I’m coming to find is a weak spot for me. Ironically enough, he looked like Boston, had the same name as him, and he recently moved to NYC from Boston. The resemblance was a little uncanny, but I moved past it quickly.
I had a lot of respect for him. He left a very successful job at a law firm to come to NYC to find himself. He wanted a new job, but didn’t know what he wanted to do. He just knew he wasn’t going to find himself in Boston. Right now he was working in marketing, but that also wasn’t exactly what he wanted to be doing. He was still on the path to clarity.
We also talked about therapy. He was seeing a psychologist from time to time to talk through issues. He told me most people don’t realize it’s covered by most insurance companies to go for periodic sessions. He explained how it’s been a good outlet for him to get his head straight. I didn’t see him as a crazy person. I actually saw him as more sane for having such a healthy respect for it. I began to entertain the idea myself. My friends are my therapist. I have abused many of my friends in this respect and turned to writing a blog to alleviate some of that burden. Maybe a therapist was what I needed.
This was truly a quality guy. A guy I really wanted to get to know. I knew I would need to take it slow with this one. I didn’t want to come on too strong and turn him off right off the bat. We walked back towards our offices and said goodbye with a nice handshake. He turned and said, “This was good. We should definitely do it again!” I was very happy. I passed the test. Also, was this a successful “date?” It didn’t quite feel like it was a date going in, but maybe it was a lunch date by the time we were done. I was looking forward to our next.
As time passed, I didn’t push the issue of a second “date.” I also became distracted with other guys, but one day, while going through my contacts, I discovered him again. I shot him a text asking if he’d want to grab lunch again soon. He told me he was out-of-town for the week, but we would touch base when he got back the following week. Only time would tell if we’d figure it out…
Follow @onegayatatimeDéjà vu
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 17, 2011
Thursday night, after my usual volleyball game, I grabbed my roommates and took them to my favorite local watering hole. It was going to be the perfect drama-free night I needed. We were gonna have fun! I invited N, but he had plans to go to dinner with friends and said he had to be at work at 6am.
However, we arrived at the bar only to find it DEAD. No one was out. We didn’t let that get us down. I took the opportunity to introduce the new roommates to all the bartenders, bouncers and even the manager. I went to this bar every weekend, and they treated me like family. I wanted my roommates to be shown the same love. The bartenders poured us drinks all night, and we all got properly drunk. We were also dancing up a storm with the five other people in the bar.
All night long, I was getting texts from Mr. Grindr. He was out and wanted to know what I was up to. Turned out, he was at the bar next door. I told him to come by, but he didn’t. When it was about closing time, I told him to come over to my apartment. He was a little weirded out because I was walking with my roommates, but I told him they were cool. He met us when we were halfway to the apartment. I hung back from the roommates and chatted him up on the walk home. He wanted to know why I wasn’t calling to hang out. I said the same thing back to him. If he wanted to hang out, he could just as easily pick up the phone and call me. I wasn’t all that thrilled about hanging out with him, but I wasn’t opposed to exploring the benefits of being friends.
When we got back to my room, of course the conversation started to revolve around N because he was texting him once again while he laid in my bed. For some reason, Mr. Grindr felt the need to show me some of the texts N was sending. One jumped at me. It said “baby boy” in it. Another little piece of my heart broke at that moment because that was something N called me all the time. I thought it was a term of affection he used towards me, but apparently it also went for guys he was trying to have sex with. Looks like I was simply one of those guys after all. When Mr. Grindr didn’t respond to the texts, N responded, “Well. Have fun with whoever you’re with.” Mr. Grindr suggested a threesome at this point. “If you think that’s happening, you’re nuts!” I responded.
Mr. Grindr told me he felt weird again because he had been talking to N before he even met me. Once again, I imagined they would have hooked up sooner if both weren’t in the closet to their roommates.
We started hooking up and things got hot. We had sex multiple times that night. At one point, he tried to insert himself with great force without any preparation. I’m not a fan of being a bottom to begin with, but this was unbearable. I nearly flung him off the bed and ran into the bathroom to make sure I was alright. That certainly was not going to happen again. I decided right then and there, that was going to be a prize possession only a special few would receive in the future.
In between sessions, we had a conversation about him staying or leaving for the night. We also somehow got on the topic of his parents being in the middle of a divorce and the issues it was bringing up for him. He was drunk, but the conversation was getting heavy beyond my comfort zone. He also mentioned something to the effect of him wanting to invite me to his brother’s wedding in the coming week. I quickly changed the subject because that was NOT going to happen, and I had no idea where that came from. We ended up both falling asleep and him spending the night. He certainly liked to cuddle and spoon. The next morning, he woke up and had to rush home to get ready for work. I texted him after he left, mentioning us grabbing a drink a the bar sometime, and he agreed. This was the last time I saw him, and I don’t plan to see him again. He carried a lot of baggage I didn’t want to get into.
I hopped on Grindr to see who messaged me overnight. I noticed N was signed on and only a few feet away. So much for being at work at 6am. He didn’t owe me an explanation, but he was starting to really show the pattern of a pathological liar. I don’t know why he even felt the need to lie. He could have said, “I don’t feel like going to the bar tonight, but thanks.” I would still try to be his good friend, but trust would always be an issue between us.
Ironically, I found solace through this whole breakup in a Beyoncé song. I found the lyrics exceptionally poignant. If you’ve gone through a recent breakup, I highly suggest listening to it.
The next day I felt myself feeling empty from my recreational sex. I spent 26 years masturbating. It was nice to have sex on demand, but it was emotionless and empty. I didn’t like who I was becoming. I needed to change. I decided then and there I wanted to find a boyfriend, and I needed to stop trying to fill the void in my life with meaningless sex.
That weekend, many of my friends went away. N went down to the Jersey Shore, and I was jealous. I was unhappy and lonely. I needed to learn how to be alone again. That night, I went to bed and had many dreams about men and Grindr. This proved it was consuming my life. I needed to cut back, or I would become one of the gay men I despise so much…
Follow @onegayatatimePetty Games
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 12, 2011
On the Monday, following my trip to the Jersey Shore, I didn’t want much to do with N. I embarrassed myself the previous week by getting obliterated and trying to drag him to my room days after we broke up. And then, while in Belmar, we managed to create a situation once again. It was too much drama. I remembered the days I carried no drama. Those certainly were the days. I needed to find a way back to my drama-free days.
The night before, N texted me. I didn’t feel the need to respond, considering he wasn’t responding to me when I was asking him about coming to the beach. But come Monday morning, sure enough, I got a gChat message from him: “Morning. Did you ignore my texts on purpose.” Of course I did, but I wasn’t about to open up that door. I told him I was busy the night before. He responded, “It’s ok. I was worried you were very mad at me for Sat night.” Of course, I was over Saturday night. I cursed him out for it, we talked about it, and I moved on. I was still annoyed he never got back to me about the beach. “How come you never came to the beach?” He told me it was because his roommate didn’t get back until 2:00, so he hopped on the 3:30 train. “I didn’t feel like staying. I was tired,” he said. “And then you went dark,” I responded. Of course he couldn’t extend the common courtesy of telling me this information the day of.
Then he took the conversation where I didn’t think it was going to go. “Busy as in boy busy?!?!?” Where did he get off? There was no way he was asking out of the goodness of his heart because he wanted to ensure my happiness. And, of course I wasn’t about to tell him about my date, especially since it was a bad one. I didn’t need to open up that can of worms. So, I lied: “And no, I wasn’t boy busy… I was unpacking and repacking and getting ready for work. And, I was doing laundry and talking with my roommate.”
I tried to change the subject as fast as possible. “And I’m sorry again for the ‘f*ck you.’ ” He responded, “Don’t be. It’s not your fault I acted like a scum bag and did one or two things I shouldn’t have.” It was nice to hear him take responsibility for his actions. This was a definitive change. Maybe we could be friends after all.
Then I mentioned to him that NC noticed he deleted him on Facebook and blocked him on gChat. “Good for him. I could care less,” was his response. I apologized and told him not to shoot the messenger. I never should have gotten involved. I have no idea why I did. Then he went on to insult NC on a very low level. I understand he was angry, but he was delivering some low blows all over a few discrepancies in a hookup story.
Then, N said, “You should go ahead and let him know why.” I told him I wasn’t getting in the middle of it. That was a lie. I already got myself in the middle, but at this point I wanted out. More drama I did not need in my life. “I shouldnt have brought it up! I’m sorry.”
I tried to change the subject once again. This time to his roommate and the reason she came home so late. I also had a friend I wanted to set her up with. We talked about it a bit and finally found a topic of conversation to have a civil conversation.
Just when I thought we were finally moving forward. Finally moving on. Finally going to be friends, N went and ruined any progress we made. Tuesday I woke up to the text, “Morning! Sorry to interrupt your grinding this morning, lol, but I was thinking about something last night.” I happened to leave my Grindr on overnight. I do this periodically to cast out the net to see what I catch by the morning. I hadn’t even checked Grindr yet. “I just got out of the shower. What’s up?” I replied. I didn’t appreciate what he was insinuating, but I let it slide.
I wasn’t expecting what came next. “Our pictures and video together… LOL We’re making sure those are secure, right?” he asked. One night when we were hooking up, N turned on the camera on my computer. I explained to him that the video never saved and there was only one picture. I deleted it. “After I posted and tagged it on Facebook, of course,” I joked.
We were done with that line of conversation, so I decided to check my Grindr messages. I text N back telling him he has a doppelganger on grindr. “Who? Send me the link. I’ll be online in 5.” When I got to work, he was asking me all about his doppelganger. I described him, “He’s near Hoboken. Name is M. He’s 21 so he looks like your little brother.”
Over lunch, I went to the gym. As I was coming back out to the street, I saw a text from N: “Is this M?” He sent me a screengrab of a man’s chest. N is latino. I laughed and responded, “Nope! That looks nothing like you. He’s a white dude. M has a face pic and is 21.”
Then he made another comment referencing myself and Grindr. “Oh, I didn’t know you were that versed in the men on Grindr. Guess you’ve spoken with him before.” This time I wasn’t going to let it slide. Not two days in a row. This isn’t the kind of friendship I was seeking. He wasn’t going to undercut me and I would just sit by and take it. “Don’t be an as$hole!” Apparently he didn’t think he said anything out of line because his response was, “Uggghhmmmmmm, okay. LOL.”
I went off: “Not that I need to explain myself to you, but I’ve never spoken to him. He popped up on my screen last night, and I thought it was funny that he looked like you… that’s all.” And then he made it worse by insinuating I was overreacting. And maybe I was a little bit, but he had to know this was a sensitive time. We were just beginning to navigate a new friendship. “Wow! Sorry I said anything!”
I needed to defend myself. “Your comment had a lot of undertones I don’t appreciate.” He retorted, “My comment was a joke. I’m sarcastic. You know this. Sorry I said anything about it to you.” I wasn’t going to let him act like I was the one out of line. Again, the drama was starting, and I wanted no part of it! “It’s fine,” I responded.
If this was the type of friendship N wanted, then I wasn’t on-board. I didn’t need him in my life if all he was going to do was cause me headaches. I really had a good time hanging out with him when we were dating, but he’d need to learn how to be a real friend if this was going to work. None of my other friends treated me htis way, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him.
Follow @onegayatatimeWhen It Rains, It Pours
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 10, 2011
The next morning, I woke up and felt bad about what I said the night before. I texted N, “Sorry I blew up.” He quickly responded, “Yea.” I didn’t want to just leave it at that, however. I wanted to explain where it came from in hopes of avoiding the situation in the future. “You were kissing all over me last night. I’m still trying to figure this out. Regardless, I was out of line…” I said.
Immediately, he got defensive. “I kissed your cheek n shoulder? I was wrong? Lest you forget you invited me to your bedroom two nights prior.” I didn’t want this to escalate into an argument, so I tried to calm him down. “I didn’t say you were wrong. I just said I’m still trying to figure this out.”
Then he hit me with a blindside I wasn’t expecting. “Don’t take me the wrong way when I say this because you know how I feel about you… But maybe it’s too soon for us to be friends?” I didn’t want to hear this. “No. I don’t want to take a step back that far. I get it. We’re not a fit. I can control myself…” I responded. He tried explaining himself as well by noting, “I don’t know if we are a fit or not, it’s just not the right time.”
The conversation had come full circle. I stated, “We’ll do our own thing and we’ll still be friends. It’s cool.” He apologized, “I’m very sorry if I led you on last night.” I replied, “It’s cool. No apologies necessary. We’re cool… At least on my end…” To which he said, “We’re cool here too big guy! Always.”
When I wrapped up my conversation with N, I turned my attention back to the man I was chatting with on Grindr the night prior, a hot construction worker from Queens, NY. He was awake and responding. I talked to him about the possibilities for the day. I wanted to find some way to meet him, and I wanted sex. He was hot, and I was horny. I had the hotel room until 10:00. My sister and K had already gone home. I knew D and his girlfriend and I would be heading to the beach for the day. I could double back to the room if I could get this guy to meet me before 10:00.
No dice. He was still with his friends and he couldn’t get them moving. In the meantime, I started getting hit on by another guy on Grindr. He was younger and good looking, so I started to respond. I was holding a conversation simultaneously with both of them. I managed to convince the hot construction worker to gather his buddies and come to the beach in Belmar. They were going to grab breakfast and head over. He told me the other two guys he was with didn’t know he was gay, so he would have to sneak away at some point.
As I made my way to the beach for our final day at the shore, the younger guy told me he and his friends were coming to Belmar to go to the beach as well. I responded with our street number and told him I’d meet up when he arrived.
I sat on the beach laughing out loud. D and his girlfriend asked what was up. I told them all about N from the night before, but also how two different guys were coming to the beach to meet up. Just then, N started responding to my text messages and told me he and his roommate would come to Belmar from Manasquan to go to the beach. He just had to wait for his roommate to come home. At his point, I was laughing my ass off. I had two guys from Grindr coming to meet me, and the guy I just broke up with would probably be there to witness the whole thing.
After some time passed, I got a text from the younger guy telling me he was on the beach. I texted the construction worker to see if he arrived yet. He was the main target. The younger guy was a fallback. The construction worker texted back. He was just stepping onto the beach. I turned around to the entrance to see him. I paid attention to where he set up camp.
Later in the day, I noticed the younger guy walking around. He walked right in front of me. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to meet him just yet. I thought I would wait for the construction worker first since he was much sexier. After he went to the back end of the beach, he called me. I picked up and turned around to notify him of my location. D and his girlfriend both left to grab food, so at least I didn’t have an audience when I met him. He came up next to me, and we formally introduced ourselves.
He was a really nice guy. He is from near where I grew up. I asked him what he was doing at the shore. He told me he was staying with his two friends. He told me they went to Paradise, a gay bar in Asbury Park the night before. He also told me he felt like a bit of a third wheel because the other two guys he was with kinda had a thing for each other. After we chatted for a bit, D came back and the guy decided to head back to his friends. He said he’d swing by again later before he left.
I watched as he walked back to his towel. I thought to myself, “What a coincidence! He’s sitting right near the construction worker.” The irony.
I couldn’t have expected what was coming next. The construction worker, the younger guy and the other random dude all walked down to the water together. They were talking and periodically glancing in my direction. I tried not to make eye contact. I went through all the logistics in my head and stories were not lining up. The construction worker told me his friends didn’t know he was gay. The younger guy told me he had a thing for the random dude. I was willing to bet the construction worker was the one fabricating the story. Nonetheless, they were all together.
When they all went back to their towels, I texted the construction worker and asked him if he was going to meet me. He agreed to go for a walk, and I would follow right behind. When I caught up to him, I introduced myself. We talked a bit. He apologized for not being able to meet up earlier. It was very awkward and slightly forced. Then I told him, “Grindr is a small world.” I brought up meeting his friend, the younger guy. He played dumb and acted like he didn’t know he was gay, only suspected it. I wasn’t buying his BS, but he was hot! I wanted a piece of that action, even if I had to wait until we were both back up north. We chatted about a few bars in the city. I was very turned off when he made the comment, “I hate the faggot bars. They’re not my scene, but when you go to the straight bars, the drinks are so weak.” I agreed with him and we discussed a few good place in the New York City to go to. He was trying to be someone he wasn’t, and I wasn’t impressed. As we got closer to our beach, we walked our separate ways. We talked about when we were leaving and left meeting up later open for discussion.
When I got back to my towel I texted N and his roommate. I assumed at that point he and his roommate were not going to show, but I thought I’d offer him a ride home with D and I. N didn’t respond, but his roommate told me N already gone home on the train. She was going to stay in Manasquan. I found it a little disrespectful after talking to N all day about hanging out on the beach he never told me he was going home. This was becoming standard protocol for him though. It would be something I needed to get used to.
On the ride home, I texted the construction worker. I wanted to see if he wanted to swing by my place on his way back to Queens. I got a few messages back at first, but then he went completely dark. When I arrived home, I texted him one last time. “Hey man. If you’re not interested, let me know. I have thick skin and don’t want to bother you if you’re not interested.” He responded back telling me I just wasn’t his type. I could respect that, and we each texted each other, “Ok. Good luck…”
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 9, 2011
I woke the next day early. The night before I got in a blowup with my sister and K over the sleeping arrangements. I was sure there would still be some lingering resentment in the morning, but I was on a drama free weekend. I wasn’t going to let it bother me. I would stick with D and his girlfriend, two of the most drama-free people I know.
We all decided to get breakfast burritos and hit the beach. This may have been a good idea to prevent a hangover after a night of heavy drinking, but probably not a good idea before heading to the beach for the day. I will just leave it at that.
While I laid on the beach, I started getting texts from N. He was heading to the shore that day as well, but would be staying with his roommate, who I partied with the night before, in Manasquan.
I don’t know why I did this to myself, but I was telling him all our plans for the night and encouraging him to meet up with us. I’m a masochist, what can I say?
After the beach, my group went out for dinner. We had a really nice time eating and chatting at Parker House. After dinner, we went downstairs for libations and music. We danced a bit and played a fair amount of shuffleboard. When we found ourselves bored with the crowd, we decided to move on. This is when the group dynamic started to stretch. My sister wanted to stay, but the rest were ready to move along. We had plans to go to Bar A for our friend’s birthday.
Once at Bar A, D and his girlfriend got in a fight, and the camp became seriously divided. The girls went to one end of the bar, and the men were on the other. D was pouting, but my other friend and I were not ready for our night to end in drama. We tried to encourage D to come with us to another bar, but he wasn’t going to leave his girlfriend, even if she wouldn’t talk to him. After many attempts, my other friend and I left for D’Jais.
Part of the reason I wanted to go there was because I had so much fun the night before, but I think a bigger part was because I knew N was there. I had it in my head I would say a friendly hello, but then somewhat ignore him most of the night. I would dance with lots of other people and show him that we could be friends, but I was finally able to move on (after trying to drag him to my bed 2 nights before. STUPID!)
I didn’t want to announce my presence ahead of time. I knew it would be a madhouse, but I would find them eventually. When we arrived, I went to the spot we were the night before with his roommate, and sure enough they were there. I started brushing shoulders with N without him fully noticing me until I made it very obvious I was there.
I got the most excited and biggest hello from him. He grabbed me, gave me a bear hug, and kissed me on the cheek numerous times. I wasn’t expecting nor was I ready for that, but I have to admit it made me very happy.
My friend and I ordered drinks at the bar and hung out with N and his roommate. We were all dancing our asses off once again, and I was having fun. I was constantly turning away from N trying to find other dance partners, but was unsuccessful. I took many opportunities to talk to my other friend and ignore N a bit. I needed to prove to him I was no longer dependent if we were going to have a successful friendship.
After some time, N went to the bathroom. I had to go too, but I didn’t want to go with him. That would look pathetic. So I waited a minute or two before heading back there.
As I walked into the bathroom, N was washing his hands. I slapped him on the back as I made my way to the urinal. He waited for me outside the bathroom to head back to our spot. When I exited the bathroom, he motioned for me to walk ahead of him. As I did, I got a slap on my ass.
After some more dancing, N started to get overtly affectionate. He grabbed me in what I can only explain as a wrestler hold with his arm around the back of my head and our foreheads pressed against each other. This was my first time D.T.S., but I can guarantee you this was not normal behavior for two men in a bar. down there. After more time, he started kissing me on the cheek and neck more. It was never enough to draw the eyes of the entire crowd, but it definitely would raise at least a few eyebrows.
Once again, my head was a mess. WHAT WAS HE DOING!? He was the one who really initiated us moving things to the friend zone. I understood what was happening. I myself fell victim to my own passions two nights before. Either way, my head was in a tailspin once again. I didn’t know what to think.
When we realized we lost both his roommate and my friend, we went outside. He grabbed a slice of pizza, and I sat and kept him company while we tried to reach the rest of our party. He said, “Whether I come with you to the hotel or we go back to Manasquan, I’m not leaving here without [his roommate].” Who said anything about us going home together? Was this an invitation? Was he having second thoughts?
Nope. Just then, his ex-girlfriend appeared and he went over to talk to her. After about two minutes, he came back to collect me and introduce me to her. On the way over, he turned and said, “Remember, just friends. She doesn’t know about me.” The girl wanted nothing to do with meeting me, and the two of them were deep in catching up. I didn’t sit there long. I was also on Grindr because it was obvious N was up to his games again. To him, I was simply there and convenient, but I wasn’t going to fall prey to his ways all over again.
I told him I was going to walk home and said goodbye. On the walk home, I texted him, “F*ck you.” He immediately responded, “Whhhhhhaaaatttt. R u kidding.” I took the opportunity to get something off my chest in my drunken stroll home. “I dunno. Maybe I’m tired of being led on… You say sh*t you don’t mean. Yea… Thanks for that.” He retorted, “What do I say?” I was done with him for the night. It was time to go back to Grindr and see if I could manage to find some entertainment.
I managed to find a guy who was eight miles away and had a sick body. We chatted a bit and exchanged more than a few pictures. Now I was horny and trying anything I could to get him to come meet me. No dice. He was with friends and couldn’t get away, so we talked about the possibility of meeting up the next day.
After the drama of the night and the Grindr texting for the previous 45 minutes, I was tired. I walked back up to my hotel room to find everyone already passed out. I laid a blanket down on the floor, grabbed a pillow and passed out. I was disappointed in myself. I let myself get sucked in again, but for the second night in a row, I wasn’t going to lose one second of sleep over N.
Follow @onegayatatimeA Night Away (Or Not)
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 8, 2011
Time away. Time away from work. From stress. From my relationship problems. Time away from N. I just needed time away to escape it all.
Following work that Friday, I hit the road to the Jersey Shore at 1:30 with one of my best friends, D. We were getting a head start on the mass exodus that happens every weekend in Hoboken. We really lucked out and didn’t hit any traffic. My stomach was very gracious for this because my hangover was just starting to kick in. I woke earlier that morning, and I was still drunk. I walked into work with my sunglasses on and asked everyone to leave me in peace if at all possible. My wish was granted. Now I was stuck in a car and the positive effects of the alcohol were wearing off.
I thought my conversation with N ended for the day when I signed off Gchat. We had a decent chat, but things certainly weren’t casual yet. Exchanges were still slightly awkward, especially since I tried to drag him to my bed the night before.
However, N wasn’t done talking to me apparently. About half way down to Belmar, I received a text from him. “How was your half day? Are you dts yet?” I read it on my phone and grumbled out loud. Even though I was the one who made it awkward the night before, I didn’t even want to think about him. I turned to D, who had just been filled in on the details of the night before, and I told him what the text said. I asked him what I should do. He said, “You’re trying to put distance between you two right? Then ignore it!”
I took his advice, and I was happy about it. I put the phone back in the console and continued to suffer through my hangover in silence. However, the silence was broken ten minutes later when I received a call from a blocked number. I picked it up and of course, no one was on the other side. I wondered if it was N. Was he calling to see if I was ignoring him? I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was getting to me enough for me to ignore him, so I thought it best to respond to the text. “Half day was necessary. I was still drunk at work. We’re still in the car…” After that, I got radio silence.
An hour and a half later, I received another text from N asking about traffic and our time of departure. I simply ignored this one. I was going to let him hijack my weekend. It would just ruin my weekend with my friends if I spent all my time texting with the guy I just “broke up” with. After some more time, N felt the need to inform me his roommate was down the shore as well. At this point, I was very short. I simply responded, “I know. We’ve been texting each other.” I was hoping he’d get the hint that he was not included in the nights festivities and his services were not needed. He either got the hint or found something else to entertain his time.
At this point, D and I had been drinking for a few hours. We were both six beers deep. D was starting to feel drunk, but I felt NOTHING. This was a typical occurrence for me. I have a very high tolerance, but I was hoping to get drunk. I turned to D and said, “I think I may switch teams this weekend.” I knew I wasn’t going to find a guy down at the Jersey Shore — not in Belmar anyway. I figured why not find a pretty girl to flirt with and see where things go. Not like I’ve never been there before. D laughed and I could see the excitement in his eyes. He knew if this was going to happen, he was going to have entertainment for the rest of the night. He had a girlfriend who was on her way to meet us, but at least he could watch me hit on hotties.
There was one particular girl I was watching from afar. I liked her interaction with her friends. She was participating in their festivities, but always kept herself slightly detached and available. We made eye contact once or twice, so I promised myself I would talk to her once I was properly lubricated. I would never get the opportunity, however. The group of them walked outside into a torrential downpour of rain. In the next minute, I found myself very attracted to her. Her solution to the rain was to rip off her dress, crumple it in her hands, and sprint through the rain in her bikini. She gained major cool points right then, but it was too late. She was gone in a flash (or should I say splash).
Over the next few hours, I switched from beer to vodka sodas and got properly wasted. My sister and K arrived, shortly followed by D’s girlfriend. We were all having a blast. We were at D’Jais afterall, so my fist was pumping hard. I danced my ass off, stuffed my face, and went back to the sh*ttiest hotel I’ve ever been to with D and his girlfriend.
On the way back to the hotel I checked my Grindr out of curiosity. No quality bites, as I expected. One bite I wasn’t expecting was from N. I checked what the message said. “Having fun finding ZERO gay men in the Belmar/Manasquan area?” I immediately rolled my eyes. What was he doing!? I tried not to think about it and laid my head down on the pillow and fell asleep. He wasn’t worth losing one minute of sleep over anymore.
Follow @onegayatatimeBlackout Regret & Poor Life Choices
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 5, 2011
On Thursday, I talked to N on GChat during work hours. It was simple banter. At the same time, I was confiding in NC. We talked about the conversation we had, and he consoled me. He told me, “You’re a good looking guy, good job, etc. Don’t set yourself up to get hurt.” I said, “Thanks! I really needed that!” “It’s true,” he said. “It’s true. I woulda hooked up with you. Not that it means much.”
I had a feeling this was true. I could feel the sexual tension when he stayed the night in my roommates bed. I responded, “And yet, you didn’t. Haha.” “Had I had a few more drinks and wasn’t planning on moving in with you, I woulda suggested cuddling that night,” he replied. This was welcome information considering I felt the same way that night, so I let him know: “And had you not been planning to move in, I totally would have.” I further thanked him and explained, “I know I’m hot and I’m a catch, but for someone to do this to me, sapped a bit of my confidence…”
By the end of the day, N informed me he was going to a work function following work. Thursday was a typical night for me to meet up with friends at my favorite bar, but I wasn’t particularly in the mood to go out with them.
Instead, when I got home, I texted my new gay gym buddy and asked if he was going to be at the gym. He was, so I told him I’d meet him there. Over the past few weeks, I saw him periodically, and we chatted. I would keep him in the loop on my failing relationship, and he would chat with me about his issues. Together, we were providing a little bit of therapy for each other.
I got there and had a chat between lifting. I could tell he was starting to get better, but I certainly was headed downhill since he first met me. I didn’t want to drag him back down with me, so I only told him some of the highlights.
When I was nearly finished lifting, N texted me, “Hey. You wanna go out tonight?” Of course my heart lept a little. I was happy he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe this friendship thing wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe we could shift right into friendship mode with no speed bumps. I played it coy, however. I asked him what time and where. Then, I informed him I was still at the gym and had to go home, shower, eat, and then I would be ready. Since he was still at his work function, the timing would work out perfectly.
As I left the gym, I wondered if this was a group thing or just the two of us. We still had a few things we needed to chat about, and I wasn’t sure if tonight was going to be the time for that conversation. I had said to him, “Maybe sometime we can get drunk and put it all out there and have a good laugh about this.” But maybe this wasn’t that sometime.
After I showered I came out to the kitchen to find L there.. I filled her in on the latest details and began to pour myself some Johnnie Walker. I texted N and asked him what time he wanted to hit the bar and asked where we were headed. He informed me he couldn’t find anyone to go out and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I would hit up my friends and see what I could round up, but I still wanted to go out regardless.
Apparently, it wasn’t going to be just the two of us. I was able to find two friends who were willing to go out, and I told them I would keep them in the loop when I knew what the plan was.
N texted and said he wanted to save some money by pregaming. He asked if he should grab a bottle from the liquor store to replenish some of the liquor he drank at my apartment. I graciously accepted the offer and told him I would see him in a few.
I was two glasses of scotch deep at this point, and my conversation with L was getting quite silly. Not sure why it hit me so fast, considering I can hold my liquor like a champ! After 20 minutes, I texted N asking what was taking him so long. He responded, “Walking out the door now.”
He came by with a bottle of Grey Goose. When he walked in the door, I got a luke-warm hug and a peck on the check, but that was to be expected. It just wasn’t what I was used to. I was also on to my third hefty glass of scotch. The Grey Goose wasn’t all he brought with him. He also brought some recreational supplies. I asked if he wanted to go out on the porch and smoke, but he wasn’t really feeling it. After some arm-twisting, he complied. I don’t know if it was the smoking or the spending time alone with me on the porch he was avoiding, but looking back I’m willing to bet it was the time alone with me.
When we came back in, I plopped down on the couch with another glass of scotch and the rest of the bottle of Johnnie. He sat in a chair rather far from me. L joined us as well after I extended an invitation. I was hoping her presence would help cut the tension.
The three of us sat and chatted while we drank. After some time, N’s roommate joined us. We talked about random things I can’t remember because the scotch began to kick in. At one point, N said something exceptionally person I never knew about him. It really pulled at my heartstrings. All I could think about was how much I wanted to give him a hug. I texted him and said, “You never told me about any of that.” He responded, “We never got that far, and I don’t like normally bringing it up unless it comes up in conversation.”
I asked him if he would come out on the balcony with me. His response: “I don’t mean to be rude, but why?” After that, I lost all the emotional sympathy I was feeling and received his message loud and clear. I said, “Forget it.” Of course, after that, he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about, but I told him to just forget it. We texted each other a few more times while we sat a few feet apart. I was now wasted. One of his texts even said, “You need more ice.”
Since it was getting late, N’s roommate and my roommate went to bed.
After that, everything is a blackout for me. The next thing I remember, I woke up alone and in a panic. It was the next morning, and I couldn’t remember N leaving my apartment that night. He wasn’t in my bed, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember how the night ended. I could hear L outside my door, so I shouted, “Did I do anything dumb last night!?” She told me we were still in the living room when she went to bed, so she had no idea.
I knew I needed to do some damage control. I didn’t know if I did anything inappropriate, but I knew at that point N was the only one who could tell me what happened. I texted him to ask what happened and preemptively apologize if I did anything wrong. I also explained that I had fun just hanging with him and our roommates and added, “Last thing I wanna do is make it uncomfortable…”
He responded, “We made out for a little bit. Then you tried bringing me in the bedroom but I couldn’t… That wouldn’t have been right for either of us.” I slapped myself in the forhead. Of course I did that. I responded, “Thank you for telling me this and thank you for being a gentleman.”
Surprisingly, he replied, “We both knew we wanted to but I couldn’t, especially with you as drunk as you were and I having sobered up.” I thanked him again for being a gentleman, and he countered, “No need to thank me… I’ll always be there for you.” It was a sweet notion. I had a lot of regret for putting us both in that position and was disappointed in myself for acting like a child.
Later that Friday, we talked on Gchat about the events of the night before. It was a very adult and civilized conversation. I was happy for that. We even spoke about what would have happened if I weren’t incapacitated by alcohol. While the conversation was nice, I knew for my own sake, I needed to put more distance between us, or I would never be able to get over him.
As the day progressed, N read my blog again. He read about NC commenting on my ability to do better and was not happy about it. I tried to calm him down, but there was already bad blood between the two. He decided to remove NC from his life and unfriended him on Facebook and blocked him on Gchat.
When 1:00 rolled around, I left work after a half day. I was headed to Belmar at the Jersey Shore with three friends and my sister for the weekend. I was very excited to get away and have some fun. I just got through the week from hell and needed some distractions. I would be free to do whatever and whomever I chose, and that made me very happy!
Follow @onegayatatimeDr. Talks A Lot
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 4, 2011
Since I was back to the single life, I was back to adam4adam. This certainly didn’t thrill me. But, once again, I have almost no gay friends, and I’m really not big on the gay scene. Other than online, I had no way to meet other gay men. One year out of the closet, and only one friend tried to connect me with another man.
In my a4a travels, I came across The Hot Dermatologist. When I first set eyes on his picture, I was a bit gaga. His body looked amazing. I messaged him and told him so, but I also told him I’d like to get to know him better. He responded well because I wasn’t just looking for a hookup. After chatting back n forth a few times, we agreed to meet for dinner.
We set a date, and made plans. He lives on the Upper East Side of NYC, and he asked if I would be willing to trek up there. I had no reason why I couldn’t, so I agreed. The day of the date, we picked a time, however, I finished work earlier than expected. I texted him, and we changed our plans. He meant to walk the dog before we met, but since I was done early, he invited me to join him for the walk.
When I arrived at his apartment, he told me to come up. He was doing something and wasn’t quite ready yet. When I got up to his apartment, we introduced ourselves at the door with a handshake. He told me to come in and introduced me to his dachshund. He apologized for not being ready and told me he was uploading pictures from his camera onto his computer. I originally thought it was something for work, but then he started showing me the pictures. They were of his dog from the weekend. This was a priority over a date with a sexy man?
He then proceeded to tell me he endorses a product on the HSN. He showed me the video clip from his call in earlier in the day.
Finally, he was ready to take the dog for a walk. We made our way outside and began to chat a bit. We talked about work, his dog and what we do for fun — simple small talk. He warned me ahead of time he needed to stop at one point to call into HSN live again. We found a quiet corner of the street, and he placed the call. It was interesting to hear what he had to say, but at the same time, I felt this was a bit odd.
When he finished the call, we walked back to the apartment to drop off the dog. He informed me his best friend was coming by while we were grabbing dinner to watch the dog and then go to the gym together later.
We walked to a nearby Mexican restaurant. He made a few recommendations, and we ordered. The whole meal, he talked. I got a few words in edgewise, but the majority of them were simply a response to his comments. He talked about how he’d like to meet a guy, but they never seem to tolerate his busy schedule. He had a boyfriend for a long time who was able to deal with his lack of presence, but that was long over. In the next sentence, he talked about how little he was making because he was in residency. He was interviewing at two different dermatologists’ offices for a position on Saturday and Sunday, his only two days off. How did he expect to find a man willing to be in on that deal?
Following dinner, he decided to take me into the garage of his building to move his car to the new space he acquired that morning. Again, this was an odd thing to do on a date. It was like I was tagging along for his errands. As we took the elevator to his floor, he told me his friends do not approve of his online dating. Just before opening his apartment door, he explained to me how he told his friend he was on a business dinner. I didn’t know what to do with that information. I had no idea what part I was supposed to be playing.
We walked in and I was introduced to his friend. His friend said, “I thought you told me you were on a business dinner?” Dr. Hotness responded, “I did.” To which his friend responded, “You went dressed like that?!” I think he immediately caught on to what was up and stopped asking questions.
After the good doctor showed his friend the pictures of his dog and the same video he showed me only an hour earlier, we all went down to the sidewalk in front of his building with the dog again. We all sat there chatting a bit. This was one of the oddest dates I have ever been on. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to run, but I didn’t want to sit there any longer either. It was the single most selfish dateI’ve ever been on.
When 8:00 arrived, Dr. Hotness said, “Well, we’re gonna hit up the gym.” We all stood, and I got a handshake. “Call me later,” he said.
With that, I turned and started walking downtown. I knew I couldn’t walk all the way down to Port Authority from 96th street, but I wasn’t ready to hop on a subway. I pulled up Grindr to see if any of the other men I was pursuing were available to meet up. Of course no one was. I wasn’t ready to just go home and plop on the couch, so I called a few friends to see if anyone was interested in an evening jog. Once again, no luck.
I got about half way to Port Authority when I gave in and flagged a cab. Another date under my belt and I had nothing to show for it. It was very disappointing.
That night, I sent him a text: “It was a pleasure meeting you and [the dog].” He responded, “U too.” I have NO idea why I said this (probably because he was so hot), but I did: “Hit me up if you want to meet up again sometime.”
In a funny twist of fate, he responded, “I think we should just be friends.” I texted, “Gonna have to agree with you there. Not that you’re not a good-looking guy. Haha.” Apparently I struck a chord there, because he said, “Ha. Why? Am I not your type?” I said, “Haha. Why do you ask? You actually are… You just don’t seem to be fully invested in finding a relationship to be honest… I assume you said just friends because I’m not yours?”
At this point, he was insulted by my observation. We went back n forth on the issue. I told him I didn’t mean to offend. After some long exchanges and some playful banter, we ended on being friends with benefits. He said, “I can tell you are a great guy too. Love your body and how sincere you are!” I was very flattered. Since then, we have been texting but have yet to meet up again. Who knows? Maybe we’ll have a hot time sometime. Maybe not.
I went in to this date very skeptical. Most men and women would swoon over dating a doctor. For me, it was a BIG turnoff. I already dated a Broadway dancer who was unavailable. A doctor would be a step in the wrong direction. When was I finally going to find a guy for me? It was back to the drawing board…
Follow @onegayatatimeI Think We Need to Talk
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 3, 2011
Finally, Tuesday night, N agreed to come by so we could talk. When he arrived, we exchanged a quick kiss on the lips. You could cut the tension with a knife. We started with some banter between us and my other roommate while I finished emptying the dishwasher. When I finished, I asked him if he wanted to go out on the balcony.
I knew what was coming, and I knew what I needed to do. I also knew a lot more than he thought I did. I let him go first, fully giving him the opportunity to come clean about his transgressions.
He opened with many, many praises. Two that stood out in my head were good-looking and disgustingly generous. I liked that part. At least he acknowledged what a full package I was, but apparently he didn’t realize it if he was there to break up with me.
We started to chat about his weekend and why he never called like he said he would. He recounted the story as the following: Friday night I passed out on the couch. T woke me up in the morning at 7:30 on the couch with a dead phone. We drove down to Amanda’s and the day got away from me. I didn’t call because I didn’t know what to say to you.”
IMMEDIATELY, I called him out on his lies. I pointed out I knew he never saw Amanda all weekend. He copped up and told me he went down the shore with his family. The way his new story progressed, he got a ride down the shore with his roommate after being woken up on the couch and met up with his parents for the rest of the weekend.
Things still weren’t adding up. I shook my head and told him I knew he still wasn’t being honest with me. He looked at me with a questioning expression. I explained how Grindr pegged him 17 miles away at 2:00am. Immediately, he shook his head and said, “I’m such a bad liar. Why am I lying!? Ok. So Friday night, I met a guy at Elmo in the city with two of his friends for dinner. Afterwards, we went back to his place on Staten Island. Nothing happened. We just hung out and then I went home.” Even then, he was still lying. No one comes back from Staten Island to Hoboken at 2:00. It would take four hours. You’d have to be insane to do that. Inside, I was crying. It was hard to hear. Outside, I was strong.
Going into this conversation, my goal was friendship. I knew we could not date any longer, but I hoped to still have him in my life as one of my best friends. However, he was making it very difficult by lying to me. My friends were much more honest with me than that. I knew what I knew and that’s all that mattered. If he was going to continue to lie to me, that was his choice.
He said, “This is not how I expected things to go.” I said to him, “You thought you were just going to come over here and rip off the band-aid?” His response: “Touché. This isn’t who I am. I don’t lie. You can ask [my roommate].”
Now, it was my turn to come clean. I had to tell him about Mr. Grindr, and I did. “I’m not going to stand here and pretend to be guilt free.” I told N I met him on Grindr. It started innocently, but when he started to suggest otherwise, I went along with it. I told him it was no emotional connection, just sex, and it was just my way of evening the playing field when I suspected him of cheating on me. I only told him about the first time we hooked up. He had no idea. I think I blindsided him with this information. My intent wasn’t malicious. But if I was going to cheat on him, I was going to have to deal with the consequences. After all, we weren’t exclusive, so I did nothing wrong according to “the rules,” but we all know what I did was wrong. I apologized for hurting and betraying him.
He asked if we hooked up in my bed and if he slept in my bed the same night. I simply replied, “I’m not going to get into the details.”
We began to talk about how we were going to proceed. It was going to be difficult at first, but eventually, we would be friends. He apologized for our timing being off. He told me he really liked me and spending time with me, but he just ended his long-term relationship with his last girlfriend shortly before meeting me. He was not ready for another serious relationship.
I took the opportunity to give him some advice. I’m not sure whether he appreciated it, but I think he did. I told him if he got into a relationship with anyone else, he owed it to them to be honest about extra curricular activities. We live in a climate when HIV is a serious threat to both his and his partner’s safety. I also told him I didn’t think he was scared enough of the possibility of HIV. Furthermore, I explained to him how wrong he was for hitting on my close friend Boston. He apologized emphatically. I explained to him if he wanted to have a more open relationship, he should have spoken up. I would have been open to that from the start, but when I thought we were progressing towards a serious relationship, how would I know to act any other way.
Finally, I told him if we were going to be friends, he needed to be more honest with me. “What do you mean?” was his response. I had my next words planned precisely. “Grindr is a small world. That’s all I’m gonna say.”
“What does that mean?” I told him I wasn’t about to elaborate or sell someone out, but I knew he still wasn’t being honest with me. He really wanted to know more details, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. I already knew what he was trying to do behind my back, and in the end, I got the guy he was chasing.
At this point, he had to go home and do some work before the morning. He turned to me and said, “Can I have a hug?” I happily responded “YES!” and we shared a nice embrace. We walked inside, and as he walked out the door, we shared one more long embrace and a sweet kiss goodbye.
I finally got to say my piece, but I wasn’t fully at peace. His dishonesty still bothered me. I thought he had more respect for me — Obviously not. It just proved to me we weren’t meant to be together. Deep down I still had affectionate feelings for him, and that would take time to get over. But, we were over. Only time would tell how our relationship would evolve.
Follow @onegayatatimeDarkness Falls
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 2, 2011
That weekend, N was going down to the Jersey Shore. His roommate has a house in Manasquan, and he was planning to possibly go Friday evening with one of his other roommates.
After my Friday off, and my new-found clarity, I didn’t care what N did anymore. I lost all the emotional attachment I had towards him. It was over. I just needed the opportunity to tell him. To be honest, for my own self-esteem, I needed to break things off with him before he tried to break it off with me. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Once again, I want to point out that I take full responsibility for my actions. I was wrong to cheat on N. It still bothers me to this day. It’s not who I am. Goes to show what happens when you act on suspicion.
When Friday evening arrived, I was at the gym. I got a text message from N explaining he didn’t know if he would be going to the shore that evening or the next morning. He wasn’t sure when his roommate wanted to go, but if he was staying in town for the night, he wanted to meet up.
I told him my plans for the night. I was going home, showering, hitting up the Zepplin Hall Biergarten with my sister and some friends. I told him he was welcome to tag along if he liked. I wanted to see him because I needed to talk to him, but I debated in my mind if a public setting was the place to have this chat. I was almost to the point of not caring. It was a monkey on my back and I needed it OFF!
While en route to the biergarten, I received a text from N telling me he would meet me there with his roommate. This threw a wrench in my plans because he wasn’t out to this roommate. It would be hard to have a serious conversation.
As time progressed, I texted asking him where he was. He told me he decided to stay in Hoboken and was drinking in his apartment. He was going to meet me when I got back to Hoboken. After arguing with my sister about our planned time of departure back to Hoboken, I finally made my way back. I was going to meet more friends at 1 Republik.
I texted N telling him my plans, but received no response. I sent numerous more texts asking him where he was, asking if he was still planning to meet up with me. But again, darkness. I started to check up on him on Grindr, but he was offline.
Finally, when 1:30am rolled around, I went home. When I got to my room, I laid on my bed and poked around Grindr a bit. All of a sudden, N popped up, and he was 17 miles away. Where the hell was he? Manasquan is not 17 miles away from Hoboken. We went from meeting up in Hoboken, to him being 17 miles away, obviously on his phone not responding to my text messages. What an as$hole! He was obviously up to no good at this point. I sent him a text message, “Well… Have a good weekend I guess…”
Over the course of the weekend I received one text Saturday afternoon from N. “We’re pulling up to Amanda’s house now, but I’m in the car with T. We’re going to get food soon. I’ll call you then.” When I didn’t hear back from him for the next day and a half, I called his roommate the morning of July 4th. She told me she hadn’t heard from him nor seen him all weekend. This was an interesting turn of events, considering he was supposed to be spending the weekend at her house. Pretty sure they should have run into each other at some point if that was the case.
On Monday afternoon, I received a text. N told me he was back from the shore. I texted him back immediately to come by so we could talk, but I got no response.
Later that afternoon, I received another text telling me he passed out on the couch all day and was running late for a party to watch the Macy’s fireworks. I decided to use his roommate for information once again, since when we spoke earlier, we talked about possibly meeting up later. I texted her asking if she’d seen N yet. She told me he just got back from the gym and was making food down in the kitchen. They must have spoken shortly after that because she texted back telling me he was going to a friend’s party. I never let on to either of them I knew he was lying to me about his weekend. I wanted to see his face when I called him on it.
After the fireworks, N decided to come back to Hoboken. He texted me to tell me so, but caveated it by telling me he smoked and was quite drunk. “I know we need to talk and it will prob be serious. I want to be somewhat coherent when we do.”
I begged him to just come over. I needed to get this monkey off. The more I learned about the deceit, the more twisted I felt. He didn’t respond to my texts. Once again, I would have to wait to have the discussion to end my insanity.
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 