Posts Tagged compatibility
I needed to be honest and upfront with PR. He deserved that at the very least. However, this was going to be a very delicate situation. I wanted to make sure I didn’t hurt his feelings. I really did like him and wanted to be his friend — I just didn’t think we’d be a good match to date each other. I gathered up a little courage (if I was truly courageous, I would have called him on the phone), and I we had the following exchange:
Me: After you left yesterday, I gave our compatibility a lot of thought. I have bigger doubts now. You and your friends are into the scene, and that’s not really my thing. Then there’s the sexual compatibility issue was well… And we’re in very different places right now. I can see you’re still recovering from your breakup. I don’t want to seem callous, but I don’t want to lead you on. I’d rather take a step back from this now, rather than when we get deep into things and serious feelings develop. You’re a great guy. I think very highly of you, and I hope we can remain friends. I’m sorry if this comes as a shock, but again I thought it better to speak up now.
PR: Okay. I just saw this. I understand your concerns. But I would like to say I’m not all about the “scene.” I do enjoy going out with my friends, and that is exactly all it is to me. Regarding our sexual compatibility, I thought I was making it clear that I am willing to be versatile for you. I get the sense that this is more about my moving back home and where I am in my life right now. Obviously I recognize I’m not in the most stable position in terms of my job, but I’m working to change that. As for my emotions, I can honestly say that I’m over my previous relationship. Yes, this is a bit of a shock. I know we were moving quickly. And I am willing to slow down, but as I understand it, you are asking to just be friends. Is this correct?
Me: I know you’re willing to be vers, but I’ve been down this road. With my last relationship, I put sex on the back burner for things I thought could make up for it. I learned my lesson. I told myself I would find someone with great sexual chemistry with me. I told myself I wouldn’t settle. As far as the scene things, Griffin doesn’t sound like fun to me, and I know how much you enjoy it. We’d end up constantly making sacrifices for each other. I have no desire to put on a wig and dress up. I’m not judging. It’s just not my idea of fun.
Me: You’re moving home and the job search thing are factors, but not the main obstacles I foresee us running into going forward. I just think we lead different lifestyles. We have a lot in common, but we also have a lot of different priorities. I don’t think slower is going to change things.
PR: As far as the dressing up thing, I did that for the first time in my life for a couple of hours! I never said or expected you to do so. I understand the sexual aspect. And, I agree it’s a big concern. But I thought it was workable. I felt our chemistry was worth exploring and being versatile. My priorities and getting myself in a stable position in my work and home and to one day be able to share all I have to give with someone and build a home and life together. Listen, I thought we had great chemistry. I’m not trying to argue or beg. I just feel like maybe you have some misconceptions about what I value and look for in a person.
Me: I think I have an understanding of what you’re looking for, but I don’t want to sacrifice who we are to make the other happy. It never works. Been there, done that.
PR: I just don’t understand what sacrifices you’re talking about. I don’t believe you were faking the whole time. I feel like something spooked you and you’re not telling me. It sounds like you’re saying I’m too gay for you. But you have never voiced anything like this when I spoke of things like Griffin. I mean this is a drastic reversal from when I last saw you yesterday.
Me: I wasn’t faking it, but we only spent time together. We weren’t out with your friends or mine all that much. It is a reversal because I took a step back and looked at the week and what I learned about you. I didn’t say anything about Griffin because I try to have an open mind, but I need to make changes or I’ll keep repeating old mistakes.
PR: Okay. I wish you the best of luck.
Me: Please don’t be that way. We obviously have a lot in common, so we should be friends.
PR: I would like to be friends. But, I am hurt.
Me: I’m sorry. That’s not my intention at all. That’s what I’m trying to avoid!
PR: I know. It’s better you told me now. I’m not angry or anything towards you. Just sad. I was really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and had something special planned.
Me: I’m very sorry. I didn’t want to get into tomorrow under false pretenses. That wouldn’t be fair to you. I knew you’d do something utterly sweet.
And with that, our week-long intense relationship came to a close…
All week long, I was still reeling from my date with Prince Charming. He was really everything I was looking for in a man. Mature, driven, sexy, interesting, masculine… the list goes on. However, I couldn’t limit myself to just him. I needed a distraction or I would end up driving him away. Pillow seemed to have fallen by the wayside. Not sure what went wrong there, but I wasn’t going to put any more effort into chasing him down. After coffee with the midtown trainer, I realized the potential we had for compatibility. He seemed like a really great guy. On top of that, he was texting me asking when we were going to finally go out again, which is always a good sign. Apparently I made a good first impression.
We agreed to go out for dinner that Wednesday. He chose an Italian restaurant, Il Melagrano in the neighborhood between his gym and apartment. When I arrived, he was already sitting at a cozy table at the back of the establishment. I apologized for being slightly tardy, and we got to it.
We chatted a bit about what we were going to order, and then turned the conversation to our days so far. He had a very busy morning, while I had a day mainly filled with surfing the internet. When that conversation got stale, I brought the conversation back to something we spoke about on our first “date” — His skydiving trip. He was very excited, and we joked about all the possibilities of things going wrong and what he could do about it. When age came up, I could see he was uncomfortable with how much younger I was — Seven years. I told him not to think about it and to judge me on my actions and words and not my years on the planet. We changed topics of conversation periodically from working out, to work attire, to the Tough Mudder, to Fire Island, his dog and so on…
When our meal arrived, we continued the conversation. I feel as if I was doing a lot of the talking because he finished his food much sooner than I. When I realized this, I started asking more questions and did less of the talking myself. The conversation flowed well over our single glasses of wine, but it wasn’t 100% fluid. At one point during the conversation he mentioned his studio apartment: “Well, you’ll see it some day when it’s not a complete mess.” It was nice to hear, because it showed promise of another date and signaled to me he was a gentleman.
After coffee and desert, I walked him home. The conversation on the walk was much more jovial and relaxed. I felt very at ease with him. When we got to his apartment, I was ready to say goodbye on the street, but he invited me in to his lobby. We started making out and things began to get heavy. He backed himself up against the wall and pulled me in closer. His hands were all over my body, including down my pants, and I was seconds away from him having my shirt completely off. At that point, he paused long enough to hit the elevator button, signaling an invitation upstairs.
From the look of him, he was tipsy off the one drink we had at dinner. I wasn’t expecting to move this fast, so I was a little caught off-guard. I liked this guy and debated if I should be doing this with him already, but I just went with the flow like I usually do. When we entered the apartment, I got to meet his dog. She was very cute and friendly. He put her in the bathroom so she wouldn’t bother us while we got busy.
Seconds after I sat on the couch, he ripped my shirt off. At least I knew he was attracted to my body. Him being a personal trainer, I was self-conscious about my body. His was nothing short of spectacular, so I was hoping I’d live up to his standards.
We moved things to the bed, and both of us had our pants around our ankles. We were doing some heavy petting and grinding. It was a good time, but once again, I was having second thoughts about this. After some more fooling around, he finished. I wasn’t able to join in the fun as my head was a bit distracted. And then, on top of that, I was worried he’d wonder if there was something wrong with me or if I wasn’t attracted to him. Neither was the case. It’s just something that has always been adversely affected by mental distraction.
While he went to clean up, I began to put my pants back on. He already established he was getting up around 5:00am to go for a run and had a 6:00am client. I knew he wouldn’t want me to linger for small-talk. He came back and sat next to me with the dog at our feet. She already took a shining to me after I gave her an extensive belly rub, but when he went to give me a kiss, she started making noise. At this point, he made a game of it and started testing her, scolding her between every kiss until she didn’t make a sound.
At that, I gathered my things and said goodbye with a kiss. I walked down to Port Authority to take the bus home. Normally, my MO. was to text immediately and tell him how much I enjoyed the date, but this time I waited to see if he texted me the next day to see if he was interested, especially since the night didn’t end exactly smoothly. Only time would tell…Follow @onegayatatime