Posts Tagged bike ride
New Year’s Day, Smiles woke me in the morning. I was in a complete fog. I immediately began wracking my brain to remember how the night ended. I knew we had sex, and once again, I could only remember a tiny flash of the intimate moment we shared the night before but no more than a flash. I could remember being p*ssed at Smiles on the walk home for walking five paces in front of me. And, I could remember smoking on the balcony.
Smiles was up and about walking around the apartment. I searched the room for my briefs, but couldn’t locate them. He came in the room and retrieved them for me from deep within the sheets. I had a massive headache, so he gave me some pain killers and water. It was sweet of him to take care of me in my still inebriated/hungover state. I asked Smiles about leaving the party, and he recounted the details for me. It was clear he wasn’t thrilled about it, but he also wasn’t holding it against me. The he uttered, “And I haven’t even gotten to the fun part yet!” he added.
He was going to leave it at that. I told him he couldn’t do that to me. He had to tell me what else I did. He asked if I really wanted to know, and I insisted. This is the “fun” part:
Apparently, the advances made by the guy on the balcony didn’t end there. Clearly he was persistent, and clearly I was vulnerable and well intoxicated. Smiles recounted a scene for me that drained all the blood from my face. “[The guy who sang my praises to Smiles] came up to me and asked me if you were okay. When I told him you were fine, he replied, ‘Are you sure? Because he’s making out with someone else on the couch.” I nearly passed out. I couldn’t believe it. Was I really capable of that? Could I really do that to another person after witnessing N do that to me? Was I that heartless?
I racked my brain trying to remember any bit of a make-out session on the couch. A vague image came to mind of this man kissing all over my neck. I remember asking him to stop, but also couldn’t remember putting up a strong fight. I’m not sure if my mind was making this up or if it was reality. Either way, my actions were deplorable.
I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t believe he was still speaking to me. I couldn’t believe he still had sex with me that night after that. I was mortified. What was going on? My head was spinning!
“What did you do? Did you come over and stop it?” I asked. He shook his head no.
“[Smiles], I don’t know how to apologize for that. I can’t believe I did that! I can’t believe your still speaking to me right now. I can’t believe you didn’t leave me there. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. I don’t remember any of that. At all!” I plead.
“It’s okay. You were drunk. It was New Year’s Eve. Don’t worry about it,” he said.
Don’t worry about it!? I made out with another guy in front of you, and you tell me don’t worry about it?! Should I be happy you’re not that upset about it, or should I be even more hurt that you’re not phased by it. “I still don’t know what to say. I can’t believe I did that,” I added. He just looked back at me with a face that said, “Yeah. You did that.” I wanted to slither away into darkness and forget the world.
We continued to get ready for brunch and walked out the door. As we walked, all I could think about was how disrespectful I was to the man I’d grown so fondly of. Sure we had our moments where I questioned our relationship, but what I did was unforgivable. I would not have been able to forgive myself for what I did. When N did it to me, it signaled the end of our relationship.
I did this in front of his friends — Many of which I told I was dating Smiles. I made myself look like a complete whore, and I made Smiles look like a fool. The man who was singing my praises was the man who witnessed my greatest downfall. This was one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life, and there was no making up for it and no undoing it.
I continued to tell Smiles how bad I felt about the whole thing. He was trying to make conversation and ignore the subject, but it was all my mind could fixate on. “It’s fine. Stop worrying about it,” he kept saying. We ate breakfast and talked about a few things I can’t recall because my mind was completely elsewhere. I was crushed. I almost had to leave the restaurant, Extra Virgin — His favorite restaurant, so I could go outside and cry.
It was a gorgeous day, and Smiles told me he wanted to go for a bike ride. He asked what I had planned for the day. I couldn’t think. I had no plans. I was hoping to spend the day with Smiles, but clearly that wasn’t an option. I decided I was going to try to meet Boston before he left the city, even if it was at the bus stop. I had to tell him what I did. I knew he wouldn’t look favorably on me, but I also knew he wouldn’t judge me. I left Smiles with a kiss as he walked south, and I turned and walked north. I decided to walk off my disgrace.
As I pounded the pavement from 11th street to 43rd, I tried reaching Boston. He wasn’t answering the nearly twenty-five calls I made to him. I needed him. I needed someone to talk to. I decided to hit up my roommate and see what she was doing. Maybe we could curl up on the couch and watch a movie to help make the day pass by. I talked to her for a bit, but she had plans. I couldn’t bring myself to tell here what I did. I was too ashamed. I would tell her later.
I decided to call Smiles during my walk. I wanted to make sure he knew how broken up I was about it if we were to survive this. I reiterated how bad I felt and how wrong I was as I tried to choke back tears and a vocal quiver. “Listen. It’s okay. It’s in the past. It was New Year’s Eve. You were drunk. That was 2011. This is 2012. Don’t worry about it. It’s alright,” he assured me. I think he realized how upset this made me, and that was all I could do. My fate was in his hands…Follow @onegayatatime
When it comes to men, I don’t have a type. The only real parameters I put on men are strong masculinity and that they take care of themselves. I’m very turned off my feminine, flamboyant men, and I lead a very active lifestyle, so I need a man who can keep up.
That being said, I message a lot of people on Grindr my friends would be shocked to find me with. One such man is a VERY muscular and looks like a total meathead. But, that was just my first impression. I try not to judge a book by its cover, so I attempted to investigate if there was more to this guy.
Surprisingly, he responded to my messages. He seemed like a really nice guy. We had a fair amount in common, and he didn’t live far from me. I learned he is an ex-marine who works in finance and travels quite a bit for work. He is very successful at his job as well. We exchanged pictures, and I found him very sexy. He is much bulkier than I am used to, but if he was okay with my body, I was certainly okay with his.
We attempted to find time to meet, but failed due to busy schedules. It just never quite seemed to work out. When he returned from a business trip, we finally picked a day to catch up. He proposed we meet at Energy Kitchen in Hoboken early Sunday afternoon (okay, so maybe he is a little bit of a meathead). This worked out well for me, so I gladly agreed. He was going to go for a bike ride and would start there for lunch, and it would be good motivation to get me out of the apartment earlier and get moving. I was going to head to the gym following our lunch.
I rode my motorcycle to meet him. We both arrived at the same time. He was a beast of a man, and somewhat intimidating. We went inside and ordered. We sat and started to chat about work, where we lived, what bars we went to, what we did for fun, etc.
Much to my surprise, this guy was a big ol’ softie. He loved gay clubs. This big marine dude went to some of the worst gay bars I’d heard of. I had a hard time picturing it all in my head.
We also talked about Grindr and a few of the guys we’ve spoken to on there. He talked about a few dates he’d gone on with guys from there. Ironically, I was chatting with one of them the night before. He saved me a lot of headaches by telling me the guy was incredibly sexy but completely fem and a total clinger. We continued comparing notes for a little, each getting a good laugh or chuckle here and there at the other’s expense.
When we finished eating, he was anxious to get out on his ride. He asked if I ride and encouraged me to do so as his biking buddy. I explained I didn’t have a road bike and had no desire to invest in one, but was always up for a good workout otherwise.
We said our goodbyes with a handshake, and he suggested we meet again soon. I didn’t think he was all that interested in me. We had good conversation, but I didn’t see strong chemistry/potential. However, he could certainly be a good friend.
Much to my surprise, after his bike ride, he sent me a text: “Hey stud. Was good to do lunch. 🙂 You got looks and personality. Are you on Facebook?”
I figured, what the hell. He seemed nice enough. Let’s keep him around and see what develops…Follow @onegayatatime