Posts Tagged love
The Start of a Spectacular Weekend
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 30, 2011
The Friday following my business trip to Memphis, my special neighbor, who we’ll call N from here on out, came over. I was pretty beat from my trip, and he had a hard day at work. We decided against going out for the night and settled on Mediterranean on the couch. We ordered food and snuggled up for a movie. For me, there’s nothing better than having someone to come home to after a stressful business trip. I also finally figured out my roommate situation (or so I thought), so that stress was lifting. One of my good friends from Long Island was taking one room, while North Carolina was laying claim to the other.
We noticed It’s Complicated was on TV. I told him it was a very good movie, and he hadn’t seen it, so we watched it. I was happy we picked a more romantic movie for our night in on the couch. I just wanted to snuggle up to my big man and feel at home. We both enjoyed the movie immensely.
When the movie was over, we went into the bedroom to have sex. It was a very good night, and we finally dozed off late in the night.
The next morning, we were going to the beach with my sister. When she came to pick us up, N was running late. She started to get p*ssed, and made the comment to me, “Do you even know this guy? I don’t exactly like bringing strangers with me to the beach in my car.”
I flipped out on her and asked her why should would make such a malicious comment. “I don’t like the implications you’re making right now, and I suggest you back off!”
N finally arrived, and I introduced him to my sister. We had a nice ride out to Long Beach, Long Island with nice conversation. When we arrived at the beach, N got a little more affectionate with me. He was feeling comfortable in public, probably since he didn’t know anyone. We put suntan lotion on each other’s backs, and as we laid on the blanket next to each other, he periodically put his arm around me. When I was in his stage of being comfortable with myself, I was not that ready for PDA. I was impressed with how fast he was evolving and finding his comfort zone.
The time came to head back home to avoid serious traffic. We packed up and made our way back to the city, all the while my hand was in reached into the back seat stroking his leg, and then finally making it’s way to his crotch. He rather enjoyed it, and I think the possibility of my sister noticing made it all the more exciting for him.
When we got back, we both went to our separate apartments to shower. We were going out for dinner that night. He was excited we were going on a “real” date. There is a restaurant I have been dying to hit up for a date since before I was dating Broadway. I was never able to take him there, so N and I went to Dino and Harry’s. We both enjoyed our meals a great deal. We shared desert after seeing others immensely enjoying theirs, as did we. We also watched as a couple was on a date. The man abandoned the woman to go over to the piano to join in the karaoke. We both talked about how much of an as$hole he was, and I became more attracted to N’s personality. It was a very special date for me.
A few of my friends he had yet to meet were at City Bistro that night. Since it was only 2 blocks away, I suggested we go there for a few after dinner drinks. He met them all, and they all loved him. He was giving some of the girls dating advice and really stood on his own two feet with them. This is very big for me. My friends are very important to me, so I thoroughly enjoy when the man I’m dating fits in the mix.
After a while, we were both exhausted, and we decided to go home. As usual, we ended up in my bed. With N, the sex wasn’t always perfect. Sometimes the condom caused a problem. Sometimes things were awkward. But not being perfect doesn’t mean it wasn’t great. We were both finding our sexuality and learning about each other. We were exploring new things and finding out what made the other tick. I really like that we were going through the process together. I think too many people, especially gay men, feel sex is going to be like it is in a porno flick. It’s not. Even the best sex is not like sex in porn. There are emotions tied into it, whether you acknowledge it or not.
Finally we dozed off. I laid there with a smile on my face. I had only known this man for a short period of time, but we were fully immersing in each other’s lives, and I was starting to have very strong feelings towards him.
This created a whole new dilemma. My blog is about dating. If this guy became my boyfriend, would I tell him about the blog? Will he read it and want nothing to do with me? Will he insist I don’t write about him? Or will he be totally cool with it and excited about? This was something I was going to have to figure out soon. I’m very honest in my relationships, sometimes to a fault. This was certainly something I was going to have to come clean about. Only time would tell the ramifications of the timing of that discussion.
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 29, 2011
Memorial Day was approaching quickly, and I had no plans. Anything I did at this point was going to be a staycation. I checked with my neighbor, and his plans were to go down to the shore for the holiday weekend. He left that Friday and came back the following Monday.
I was in the midst of trying to find new roommates and a new apartment. I scheduled multiple showings with my broker to see apartments that day, all the while trying to monitor craigslist to see if I got any hits for prospective roommates. Needless to say, I was stressed.
I really needed a distraction from my crumbling home life. My apartment is for sale and could be bought any second, and both my roommates were moving out. I felt all alone. I went for a long hard run since it was such a nice day. I figured I could at least put the nervous energy to good use. But when I finished my run, my anxiety returned.
That night I had a BBQ and invited a bunch of my friends over. One of my best friends since moving to Hoboken, her roommate, 2 other girls they brought into the group, and one of the girl’s male friends visiting from San Diego all came with wine in hand. My sister and one of my other good friends, K, also joined the party with ample supplies.
The BBQ was nice and got my mind off things for a time, but it was still in the back of my head. I posted to facebook my unhappy status, “Feeling very alone right now.” North Carolina read this and immediately texted me.
“Feeling pretty down? What’s wrong? I’m feeling pretty alone myself right now…”
We exchanged texts. He was missing the man he met while on vacation in Florida. I explained my roommate situation. He jokingly said that he’d move in, but wouldn’t be able to until July 1. He explained that his gay roommate was making very inappropriate passes at him, and it was making him very uncomfortable. He sent me some of the messages, and my jaw nearly hit the floor. I called his bluff and told him to move in. This wouldn’t be the first time he was slated to move in.
We talked back-n-forth for some time, and I convinced him to come out to the apartment for a BBQ the following night. I invited my sister, K, D, and his girlfriend L as well. We had another great time with food and wine all night. After we ate, my sister, K, and NC all went out to the bars. We bounced from dead spot to dead spot, the whole time bonding with NC.
We talked about Grindr and our hookups and the guys we were pursuing. We talked about winging for each other and how great it would be to live together. We also chatted about the status of my relationship with my neighbor, a coworker and previous hookup of his. At the time, they were not getting along. Both of them thought they were better than the other, and their egos were getting the better of them. NC told me I was a gook-looking guy, and I could do much better than him. He told me about the night they hooked up, which I would later find was contradictory to the other party’s recollection of the night. However, I was really happy with where the situation was headed, but I wouldn’t relax until he signed a check.
He ended up spending the night in my roommates room. When I got him settled in, and went to my room, I noticed he never closed the door. He is a very attractive man, and I definitely had some sexual attraction to him, but he was going to be my roommate. I don’t sh*t where I eat. I wasn’t going to make a move. I laid in my bed wondering if I would hear a knock at my door. But none came, and I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, he woke and had to be back home early. He borrowed a T-shirt, and we walked towards the PATH. I was meeting some of the girls from the first BBQ night. As we walked, he sounded 99% committed to moving in. He had to make sure he could get out of his current place first. As we went to say goodbye, I extended my hand for a handshake, but he pulled me in for a hug. It was a very nice gesture and was very appreciated.
Memorial Day was spent lounging on the pier in Hoboken trying to get some color. My neighbor and I had been texting most of the day, as he was on his way back from the shore. Before heading home, he came and met me at the pier. We sat and chatted a bit, and he talked with many of my friends.
That night he came over for dinner and spent the night. It was very nice getting to see him after being away. We had a nice time both in bed and out.
That Wednesday I was slated to go to Memphis for an important business trip. After him being away, I wanted to see him the night before my business trip. I knew I’d be gone for the next 2 days and would be stressed. I wanted to get some quality time in with him.
The next morning, I finished packing while he got ready for work. We said goodbye and decided we would talk later in the day. He was very supportive and sent me texts wishing me luck on my trip. This was really starting to feel like a strong relationship.
P.S. North Carolina would eventually not move in because he got a job with a consulting firm and moved back home to save money until he got placed on a project… Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you!
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 28, 2011
Sunday passed, and I hadn’t seen my new neighbor friend. This was a good thing however, because I didn’t want him to tire of seeing me already. Sometimes I can be a bit much, believe it or not (if you couldn’t already tell from my blog posts). So, a little time apart would hopefully help him realize I’m quite a catch.
Monday, however, was his birthday. Without knowing this, on Sunday I asked him if we could go out to dinner. His response was, “What? Like a date?”
I said, “Maybe. Call it what you want, but I was to see you again.” He informed me it was his birthday, and he would most likely be going out to dinner with his roommates. I was very disappointed, but I wasn’t unreasonable. He met me twice before that. I doubt I was birthday worthy yet.
There was a glimmer of hope, however — a silver lining. He said if it wasn’t too late, he would stop by afterwards. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Chances were they would make it a late night celebrating.
When I got a text message telling me he was coming by, I was delighted. He followed it up by asking if I smoke. I informed him of my recreational habit since my college days, so he said he would bring over supplies.
I was thrilled when he arrived. I threw my arms around him and give him a big ol’ birthday kiss. We sat on the couch, him in my arms, telling me about dinner and the one roommate who failed to attend due to lack of interest.
I noticed earlier in the day his Grindr status mentioned his birthday. I joked with him then that he was going to get a ton of b.j. offers, as I did a few weeks earlier on my birthday. I asked him if it produced any results since. He responded, with a look of defeat, “Nope. Not a single offer.” I felt guilty like I delivered a blow to his self-esteem, so at that point, I mad an offer. I insisted he would get the best b.j. of his life.
We went out on my balcony and smoked. We relaxed next to each other on my outdoor loveseat. We talked about life and other random things I can’t quite remember. When we were ready to go back inside, I scooped us a bowl of peanut butter ripple ice cream to share. By the time we were scraping the bottom of the bowl life ravenous animals, my hand was in his crotch getting him excited for his birthday present.
We moved things to the bedroom. I wanted to make sure he had a happy ending to his birthday. And he did… At least from the noises and sounds coming out of his mouth. This was shaping up to be a beautiful friendship…
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Booty Call?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 27, 2011
The night after my spectacular date with my neighbor, I wanted more. He was everything I was looking for in a man, and we were in such similar periods on the gay timeline.
I texted him to see what his plans were for the night. He was attending a birthday party in nearby Jersey City with a bunch of friends and roommates (only one of which knew at the time he was gay). I suggested maybe we could meet up later in the night and would be in touch.
I decided to go to City Bistro with a few friends that night. I had a really good time, but the whole time I really wished he was there. I told my friends all about him and how great he is. They knew all about my dating track record, especially since so many of them are readers. They were all happy I finally found someone datable again.
Finally, late in the night, he texted me. His friends were being lame, and he wanted to leave. He asked where I was and said he would come meet me.
After some time passed, he asked how long I planned to stay where I was. He was thinking about just going straight home to wait for me to come home so he could come over. The night was getting old for me as well, and the thought of a man in my bed for the night was very enticing. I told him I was on my way home as well. He said he would head to my apartment and wait for me to arrive.
While walking home, he asked if I would mind picking up his keys from the bar he left them at the night before. I stopped in, and they gave them to me. As I approached my apartment, I saw him sitting on the steps next to my building facing away from me. I tucked his keys into the waistband of my jeans against the small of my back. He’d have to find them on his own. I startled him when I put my finger down the back of his jeans to get his attention when I arrived. “Jeez! I thought a dog or some other small animal was licking me! Do you have my keys?”
Of course I lied and said no. We entered my apartment and he began to search for his keys. When he failed, we embraced and started making out. I moved his hands down to my back so he would discover his keys. He pulled back and gave me such a look, but then smiled and said, “That was a really good move! I like it!”
We went into my bedroom and rolled around the bed together until we both passed out for the night.
Two nights in a row he slept in my bed. It seemed he was into me as much as I was into him. I was very happy. Very happy, until I realized I may have just been booty called…
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Cup of Sugar, Neighbor?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 24, 2011
At this point in my dating life, online dating site, adam4adam.com and phone app, Grindr have produced fairly decent results. Sure, a lot of them were flakes, but the ones who made it to a first dates were all fairly decent guys.
One day, I messaged North Carolina to ask him how Grindr was working out for him. He told me about a few dates he went on. In turn, he asked if I had any positive dates from the app, and I told him about my encounters. He then asked if I had spoken to a particular guy, one of his coworkers, who happened to live in Hoboken. I checked my list, and in fact, I had been chatting with him for some time.
I took the opportunity to message the individual and tell him I knew one of his coworkers. He wasn’t too happy. He’s not “out” and was annoyed North Carolina was talking about his sexuality to other people he’d never met. When I explained he did it to set us up, things calmed down a bit.
We began chatting more and came to find we were neighbors. But, not just neighbors in the same hood. He lived across the street.
We attempted to find time to grab a drink, but he was always at the gym or I was in the pool. It never seemed to work out. Finally, on a random Friday, I texted him late in the evening while making dinner with my sister to see if he had plans. He was entertaining the idea of going into the city to meet a guy at Boxers. But, when I suggested we grab a drink locally, he was all over it.
He waited for me outside my building, and we walked a few blocks to a local bar. We both ragged on each other for taking long to get ready. He also took the opportunity to poke fun at my flip flops, all the while wearing men’s U.G.G.s. Who even knew they made U.G.G.s for men?!
We grabbed a high top near the bar and drank vodka sodas and Guinness all night. I learned how new he was to the gay world. We were both very fresh, and we swapped coming out stories. There wasn’t a single moment during the date that felt uncomfortable. He was perfect. Not only that, he had a smile that could melt granite. His dimples made me swoon, and his eyes when he smiled made me giddy.
We talked about Grindr and the guys we knew in common. He informed me others asked him about me. This was intriguing and surprising to me. First off, it’s an ego boost, but secondly, why would a guy talk to dudes about other Grindr dudes? Isn’t that your competition?
The time came for us to close our tabs and go home. He was ecstatic because his tab was so low. He thought it was beacuse he had a temporary debit card and the bartender made a mistake, but in reality, the other drinks were on my tab. I allowed him enjoy thinking he made out.
When we got back to my place, I asked if he wanted to come upstairs. He hesitated for half a second, but accepted the offer nonetheless.
Once we got upstairs, we started making out on the couch. He said, “I’ve wanted to do that all night!”
I proclaimed, “Me too!” Things started to heat up, and our hands were exploring each other’s bodies. He suggested we move to my bedroom, but my roommate was still awake with her light on in her room right next to mine. After a short period, I noticed the light was out and was confident she was asleep, so we moved things to the bedroom. We fooled around and finally dozed off.
The next morning, I awoke especially horny. I woke him up by arousing him, until we were both fully enjoying ourselves. At one point, I was grinding against his backside when he suggested I get a condom. I obliged and we began to have sex. I could tell he wasn’t used to this, and it was short lived. This is the one big regret I have from our encounter. I think he found himself in a situation that pushed the boundaries of his comfort zone, and he gave into the moment. While he “asked for it,” I feel we took things too fast too early. I really liked him! A lot! I wanted to do things right by him.
After we showered, he got dressed and went home. I thought about him a majority of the next day. I had other prospects in the queue, but this one had boyfriend potential. So, I took what I learned from my relationship with Broadway, and I applied it to the current situation. I wasn’t going to rush things, and I wasn’t going to try to define or label it either. I would patiently await whatever was going to happen next.
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 23, 2011
Every once in a while, work gets the best of us, and it becomes necessary to take a mental health day. My friends can all attest, I take my fair share of these.
One specific mental health day, I woke up feeling particularly horny. The idea of having the apartment all to myself all day long sent my mind spinning. From my bed, I pulled up Grindr and began messaging all the hot men on there.
One in particular had a gorgeous body. I messaged him and asked him for a face picture. He obliged, and we began to chat back-n-forth. He was absolutely stunning. He also sent along numerous other pictures that drove me wild!
I told him I had the place to myself, and he needed to get his ass over to my apartment. It took a lot of convincing, only because he had a full day planned for himself. He didn’t exactly live nearby and had no means of personal transportation either. On top of that, he is also a personal trainer and had an interview and training sessions later in the day. I convinced him to come by for a romp over his lunch break, and I told him I would cook lunch for us both. His only request was I also supply wine.
At 1:00, he arrived at my door. He was incredibly sexy and wearing workout gear. We sat and chatted a bit over a bottle of wine. He is from the Dominican Republic and had a thick accent, which I found adorable and sexy all in one. He was still learning English, but he had an impressive grasp on the language.
After some chatting and wine, he walked over to me, grabbed me by the waste, pulled me in and planted a big kiss on me. We moved things to the bedroom where it really started heating up. He took his clothes off and I laid on the bed admiring the god that stood before me. His body was incredible — ripped and tight. I told him how impressive his body was, and it was then I learned he was also a model [See picture at right… Yea… That’s him… No joke!].
He hopped into bed, and I went at him like a fat kid deprived of cake. I explored every inch of his body. It was spectacular. We had sex for about an hour. It takes me a while to finish most times, but he was begging for it. I was surprised how passionate and open he was the entire time. He was constantly concerned with my pleasure. By the time we were done, we were both dripping with sweat. It was the best sex of my life! The passion we both brought into the bed was intense.
He hopped into the shower while I checked on our lunch on the grill. When he was finished, I hopped in. Finally, we sat and ate lunch on my kitchen counter. He told me all about his situation and how he came to live in America. He was unemployed but also the hungriest person I’ve ever seen looking for a job. He was working do hard, just to find work.
When we finished, we talked about meeting again sometime. He continuously commented on how my passion was such a turn-on for him. I saw the same passion in him as well.
When he left, I gave him a long kiss goodbye. We’ve continued to text each other, but haven’t found the time to be together again. At one point, he was dancing (go-go style) at the only gay bar in my city. I tried to make an appearance but had to work late that night. It’s also been hard to meet again because he went to LA for three weeks for a special trainer certification. I think of him often. I daydream of the day I get to experience that hot body once again…
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 21, 2011
Now that I have a fair amount of dates under my belt, I feel comfortable meeting more men without much prescreening. Normally, I try to qualify them by talking a fair amount before meeting in person. Now, it’s worth it to save this conversation for a first date.
I came across a very attractive 25 y.o. on adam4adam.com. His profile was far from substantial. Play safe only. HIV neg and STD free — looking for same. His name also had nsa (no strings attached) in it. This is not the arrangement I seek out, but at this point, I was having fun and not asking too many questions.
We exchanged a few messages over a decent time span. The conversation actually died to the point I messaged, “Hey there. Haven’t heard from you for some time. If I’m barking up the wrong tree, let me know.”
He responded with continued interest, and shortly after, I said, “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’d love to meet up for a drink sometime. Toss me your number if you’re interested.” I got his number and set a date. We agreed to pick a location the following day as the workday was ending.
I texted him the day of the date to make sure we were still on. Nearly an hour passed. Just when I had about given up on him as yet another flake, he responded. He told me to meet him at 7:00. I purposely left my office late to arrive fashionably late. That would have gone well, except he showed up for the date a half hour late.
I waited for him at a high top in the dive bar he chose, Whiskey River. When he arrived, he apologized for being late and grabbed a beer at the bar. The conversation started slow, but picked up quickly once we got comfortable. I asked him why he agreed to go on a date with me. He said, “Because you asked me out for a drink. It was a nice change from all the guys looking for hookups.” When I asked him what he did, he told me he was unemployed and unleashed a story like I’ve never heard before.
He was born in Israel. After he served his military term for one year, he decided he wanted to explore the U.S. for 6 months. He left behind a boyfriend of about a year (a very complicated relationship). He ended up staying in NY working as a waiter. When a woman heavily flirted with him, he informed her he was gay. She introduced him to her other gay friend, and they all became close. So close, he and the woman married (took me a few minutes to realize for immigration purposes). This woman had fallen in love with him, but he realized this too late. They had a big falling out, and he moved out on his own.
That’s when he met a new man. They were dating for about a month when this man decided to take him to his Connecticut house. My date was expecting to be visiting a cottage, when in reality it was a mansion. This man was a millionaire 10 years his senior.
The whole time my date was telling me this story, he looked past me. His eye contact was unnerving. He periodically glanced back to me, but spent a majority of the date looking elsewhere.
So Wandering Eyes went on to tell me this man asked him to move to California with him for the winter. This was his typical schedule, and he wanted Wandering Eyes to come. W.E. left his job managing a hotel and his friends and moved to California.
He lived the life of a kept man. They even discussed marriage. He drove a Porsche, wore Armani suits, was waited on hand and foot by servants and went to galas, award shows and benefits, all the while not working. The millionaire was also very possessive over him. He read his emails and checked his phone periodically. W.E. had nothing to hide, so he allowed this behavior. He started to get bored with his new lifestyle and missed his NY friends,. He decided to plan a trip back east for a week.
Upon his return, the millionaire was acting very different and suspicious. When the opportunity for W.E. to read through the millionaire’s emails arose, he jumped on it. He discovered that while he was in NY, the millionaire had an affair with another man and even took pictures of the two of them in the bed he shared with W.E.
W.E. decided he wanted nothing to do with this situation moved back to New York. The millionaire did everything in his power to get him to stay, even asking for them both to have action on the side, and they would just stay together. No dice. W.E. was gone.
In the meantime, the woman he married was interested in marrying a new man and filed for divorce. W.E. came back to New York jobless, divorced, newly single and homeless (the millionaire allowed him to live in his Manhattan apt until he got back on his feet). I wanted to walk around the table and give him the biggest hug. My heart bled for him.
I learned so much about him from that story. His character ran deep. His friends told him he was crazy for giving up the lifestyle he had, but he was still able to recognize his own unhappiness and moved on.
We chatted for about 3 hours before we walked to a Starbucks for a coffee. There we talked about movies and one of his interests, comic book heroes. We discussed our favorites and why.
The time came for me to go home, so I walked him to his subway stop. He had the most beautiful eyes and lips. I had been staring at them all night. A majority of the night, all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss them. However, when the time came, I lost my nerve. I hoped he would make a move, but he didn’t. We hugged goodbye and talked about a second date.
On my way home, I texted, “Hey. Prob supposed to wait til tomorrow to msg you, but not my style… Really enjoyed meeting you tonight. Can tell deep down you’re a really great guy… And you’re even hotter in person… I’d really love to see you again some time if you feel the same… P.S. I’m really awkward with goodbyes… Sorry… Felt like such a sh*t when I walked away…”
He responded, “No worries. I probably would’ve kissed you if you didn’t walk away… So maybe it’s not a bad thing that you did…”
This is very confusing. How would it be a good things I walked away without a kiss? “Of course it’s a bad thing! Wanted nothing more than for you to kiss me ;),” was my response.
His next text was much more reassuring; “Well… Guess we’ll know better next time.”
I told him I was happy to hear there would be a next time. Sadly, there never would be. We tried, but plans never seemed to work out. Things fizzled out, and we haven’t been in touch since…
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Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 20, 2011
When I was single and “straight,” I used to think about how gay men would react to me when I came out. I kinda always knew I’d be a catch. Now, it’s a little out of control. I have been propositioned by sooo many men on Grindr and adam4adam.com. I’m not tooting my own horn here. I recognize the quality of men admiring me. And, quantity does not make up for the lack of quality.
Many of the messages I receive are easily understood, such as:
Would you let a dude lick ur feet for cash? $200 U come in, we watch porn, I lick and massage ur feet. I jack off… U sit back and relax. No other touching… and also…
Wanna come over and breed me?… A bunch of guys are gonna take turns with me. Want in?… (After some time passed with no response from me) Guy who was gonna host can’t anymore. Wanna breed me?
Some take it even further to illustrate their point.
Let me show you what’s gonna happen… (Picture of his massive black dick) U gonna need stitches!
Some of the messages and profiles I see are not so easily deciphered. Things like, looking for? Looking for what? Does this mean what am I into? Are you asking me if I’m looking for a hookup or a relationship? Just ask the question you want an answer to. I’m already in the dark about so much in the gay culture. Code and cryptic messages aren’t helping!
This is where you come in. I’m enlisting the help of everyone who reads my blog/tweets to compile a gay dictionary. I’m new to this game, so things like “M4M” confuse me. I know it means man for man, but when you’re on a gay app, why would you feel the need to say that? Did you mean something else? Obviously, I need someone to help me decode the lingo.
What’s a power-bottom, and how is it different from a regular bottom? I’m so lost!
I tried doing my own research for many of the terms I’ve come across, but this was an overwhelming task.
So I’m asking you to think about the gay terms you see or use and define them in the comments for me. Thanks!
Follow @onegayatatimeBreaking San Francisco’s Heart
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 14, 2011
After San Francisco’s visit, I realized we were not compatible. He had quite a few skeletons in his closet. And, it wasn’t the skeletons that bothered me most. What bothered me most was the feeling he was hiding all these secrets. So many past relationships with such a diverse crowd of men much older than I, drug use, some cross-dressing, etc. We come from different worlds, on top of the fact that he lived on the other side of the country.
After playing it cool for a week, I decided to end it, or at least find a way to morph it into a friendship. I spent the week being slightly less available to his phone calls, instant messages, etc. I was doing all the cowardly things I preach against. If I were a real man, I would have told him while he was still in New York, before he went home. Apparently, I need to grow a pair before I tell everyone else to.
Furthermore, I decided to clue him in on my feelings with a text message. I’m such a coward. I wasn’t about to “break up” with him over text, but I couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone and say it all out loud. Pretending like everything was okay was really getting to me. I don’t do the charades very well. Especially after spending 26 years in the closet. Life’s too short to pretend anymore. So, I sent the following textwhile walking through the mall with my friend:
Hey. I think we need to talk about things. I had a really great time with you out there and when you came to visit, but I just don’t think I’m cut out for the distance thing. I ended my last relationship because I never got to see him, and it appears I’ve gotten myself into the same situation… It’s really been wearing on me over the past few weeks. You are the biggest sweetheat I’ve ever met! You deserve someone you can be with… I have no regrets and hope that you will still want to be a part of my life as a very special friend I cherish forever… I hope you understand!
I didn’t tell him it was because of all of the hidden facets of his life I discovered when he came to visit. I didn’t think it was necessary. The distance thing had already gotten to me before he even stepped foot on a plane. That was the root of the issue. The others were just what made me step into action on ending whatever it is we had.
He responded, I felt like something was up. Can you talk now?
I replied back, I figured you would… I can’t now… Out with friends, but we can talk later…
He took the opportunity to respond with his feelings and sentiments:
I understand. I always say people come into our lives for a reason… You have taught me how good it feels to love regardless of age, distance, and future. Love knows nothing, except how happy one can be. I took a chance to open my heart and have no regrets. Boo, I know distance did not change how happy you made me every time I was with you, texting, skyping or just thinking of you. We both deserve someone to be with, and I hope you find somoene who will always cherish every minute with you as much as I did. A hui ho, 😉 (Hawaiin for until we meet again).
I told him he is the sweetest man I have ever met in my life and apologized if I hurt him. To which he responded, You have a piece of my heart, and I have a piece of yours, so we will always be connected. And will cherish your friendship. Let’s talk later.
We did speak later on the phone. He understood where I was coming from, and he agreed on many points.
We still talk to each other periodically. For a while, it was still uncomfortable because he sent me messages telling me he missed me. Now, he’ll message me to ask what I have planned for the weekend or to ask how my day’s going. We’ve talked about dates we’ve gone on with other people as well. Recently, he had to find a new roommate. Turns out the new roommate’s name is the same as mine, which is not very common. I guess it’s safe to say I’ve officially been replaced.
We will forever be friends, and I do cherish his friendship. And, maybe, one day our paths will cross again…
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Lunch on Broadway
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on June 13, 2011
Broadway and I have been civil since our breakup. Periodically, he messages me, mainly after he reads a misconstrued or particularly positive Facebook status update. He always messages me to make sure everything is okay or to congratulate me. It’s very nice to know he still cares enough about me to reach out with concern/praise.
When he asked me to find time for the two of us to meet up, I graciously agreed. Over two months had passed. And, it had been a while since we fully caught up with each other’s lives, and I hadn’t seen him since we broke up (with the exception of his profile on adam4adam.com and Grindr). A little part of me missed him too.
I really enjoyed the lunch I had from Cosi when I met “The Wild Card” in Bryant park, so I suggested we do that. We met in front of Cosi. He warned me on the phone beforehand he injured his ankle and was wearing a boot. When he hobbled up to me, I couldn’t help but smile. It truly was good to see him. The feelings of a relationship did not come rushing back. I didn’t miss him like an ex. I missed him like a friend who moved away and I hadn’t seen in a while. We kissed each other on the lips and gave each other a hug.
I have seen so many gay men kiss their friends on the lips, especially when San Francisco came to visit, and I have always felt slightly uneasy about it. I could not put myself in that position. I have just a few gay friends, and we do not greet each other in this way. I also don’t kiss my female friends in this way when we greet each other. I don’t know if all the men I’ve seen were in previous relationships with each other, or that’s just a gay culture norm. But, it felt right to kiss Broadway on the lips. We’d done it so many times before, not doing it would feel strange.
After our hug and peck, we went in to Cosi. Broadway and I have a bit of history with Cosi. We’d eaten there many times, and he even used to work at one when he first moved to NYC from California. It felt a bit like old times, but once again, not like we were simply picking back up where we left off. We got our food, and we made our way into the park to find a table to sit and chat. I helped him get settled in since he was slightly immobilized.
He immediately started with, “So, what’s new?”
I began to tell him about work, and how things were goingin my life. I avoided discussing the dates I had gone on, as well as the fact that I was on a4a.
I asked about what was new in his life. He told me about his new roommate situation and how the dynamic between his friends deteriorated. He told me about how he was possibly pitching a pilot to the L.O.G.O. Network from one of his college courses. He told me how he injured his foot, and what that meant as far as his show was concerned. He always joked about wanting to get injured in the summer so he could live on Fire Island during his recovery. I said, “Well, you got what you always wanted!” All in all, he seemed very happy with life.
As the conversation progressed, I could tell he was pressing to see if I was dating anyone. I decided to tell him about San Francisco, especially since I was beginning to have serious doubts about any possibility of us continuing our relationship anyway. After I told him about all those doubts, I could see it in his face. He looked at me with this “get out now” look. And, it wasn’t a jealous look. It was a “just lookin’ out for ya” kind of exchange.
We both finished our sandwich/salad, and it was time for me to head back to work. My hour was up. As we began to leave the park, I realized how easygoing our lunch date was. I was slightly worried early on it might be awkward but not the case. The conversation flowed smoothly, and I don’t think anyone got their feelings hurt. It was good progress.
I expressed my pleasure with the lunch, and I suggested we do it again and more often. We obviously got along well and enjoyed each other’s company. There is no reason why we shouldn’t spend more time together. I expressed this sentiment, and he agreed happily. And, with that, we head our separate ways.
That reminds me. I think I owe him a phone call…
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At the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 