Dinner and a Stroll Along the River
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 7, 2011
Following my great date with Smiles, I couldn’t get enough. I relished every phone call, every text, every moment I spent with him. I suppose you could say, I was gaga.
Is Smiles the greatest guy out there? Is he the best guy out there for me? Who knows. I don’t know him well enough to make that assumption. However, my appetite was wet, and I wasn’t satiated. He is a really great guy, and possess a lot of the qualities I seek in a man. I was cautiously optimistic — Fingers crossed.
After our last date, I texted, “Had a great time last night btw :)” He responded, “Me too!” That being said, I asked him out once again. The following day, I said, “So… When do I get to see you again?” He proposed Tuesday night. I was a little surprised. I was waiting to hear Wednesday night, since he invited me to his birthday that night. I was thrilled he was interested in seeing me two days in-a-row. I was just hoping he would confirm for me once again he wanted me at his birthday celebration and wasn’t having second thoughts.
I had been apartment hunting, so when I found one, I sent him a picture. That was followed shortly after by a sexy picture of me I took last summer on vacation in California (you’ll recognize part of the picture in my Gravatar on the right). I thought I’d spice things up a little, especially since I promised him I would send the picture. He responded, “That’s way better than an apt pic!” I said, “I thought you’d appreciate…” However, he didn’t believe me when I told him I took the picture with the timer on the camera. He thought someone else took it until I went on to explain the entire situation. “You’re committed to this, huh? LOL. Good for you. Strong work,” he said.
When Tuesday arrived, I asked him if we were still on for that evening. He responded, “Yep. Barring a trip to the hospital for stitches after I punch my computer for not working and wasting my time today.” At the end of the day, he added, “I’ve calmed a bit, looking forward to seeing you. What time are you off? You don’t happen to have running shoes with you? I feel like I need a run, LOL.” After discussing my lack of running equipment, we decided on dinner at his favorite restaurant, Extra Virgin.
We grabbed a table outside the restaurant. It was that time of year right before it’s not too cold to sit outside, but it’s also not quite warm enough to be completely comfortable. We ordered our food and immediately dove into conversation. We talked about our days and what was new in our lives.
He told me he and a friend were going to a shaman to try Ayawaska (a Peruvian root similar to Peyote) for the first time. He explained the setting in a yoga studio and how it works. I was fascinated. I’m certainly not the type to be open to drug abuse, but recreationally or experimentally, I have an open mind, especially if it happens under close supervision. The point was to relax and open you mind. Many people use it to communicate with God/the spirits in a trippy way. There was slight reservation/worry in the back of my mind regarding the whole thing, but he is an adult. I knew he’d be safe.
We ate our meals (I don’t recommend the chicken pot pie at Extra Virgin, but everything else I’ve had is spectacular) and continued our conversation.
Smiles likes to order deserts when we go out. Going out to dinner is already putting a dent in my wallet that normally isn’t there. I cook in my apartment far more often than I dine out. Since I started seeing him, I was going out a lot more often for dinner. Not only that, it wasn’t exactly helping my waistline. It’s amazing how easy it is to put on pounds when you aren’t afraid of people seeing you in a bathing suit anymore.
Instead of getting desert, he suggested we go to this tea shop, McNulty’s and then grab desert elsewhere. He was looking for a specific tea, so I called the shop to make sure they were still open.
After the tea shop, we hit up a gelato place, L’Arte De Gelato. We took out gelato and walked down Christopher Street to the pier. We had a nice stroll along the pier holding hands. I pointed out a few things on the Jersey side, such as the pier I normally hit up in the summer looking back the other way. We chatted a bit at the end of the pier. I was hoping maybe for a little make out session or some hugging, but I didn’t get the feeling he was interested in that. I don’t think he noticed, but when I went to reach for his hand, that’s the exact moment he lifted it from the railing and turned around to head back to the Christopher Street PATH station. I wondered in the back of my head why he never invited me to come back to his apartment, especially since I knew we were in the neighborhood. But, I also know I needed to take it a little slower. I had a tendency to rush things, and I needed to break that habit.
When we reached the PATH station, we hugged, and I gave him a kiss goodnight. I was happy to get to see him again, and I was cautiously looking forward to his birthday the following night. It was an awkward challenge for me, but I knew I was up for it. Birthdays are always interesting situations, especially when you’re the new addition to the crowd, but something told me I’d be alright.
Fabricated Frustrations
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 4, 2011
As things were progressing with Smiles, I started to feel guilty about The Principal. I really liked him, but I didn’t want to string him along. I needed to do some damage control.
I legitimately enjoyed talking to him and found him to be a great guy. If he lived closer, I’m sure a relationship would have developed, but living six hours away prevented all that. The time came to protect his feelings. Through our discussions, I knew he was falling for me harder by the minute. I needed to cut things off before we got any deeper, even if that meant hurting him a little now. I needed to find a way to do this without hurting his feelings.
I decided to approach it by telling him the distance thing was getting to me. I was going to blame it on that so he didn’t feel responsible for my wanting to morph the relationship into a simple friendship. This is how the conversation went down:
Me: “So, I told you I would always be honest with you on things, and I’m starting to have my doubts about all this.”
P: “Okay. What’s the mater? Figured you were giving up on me.”
Me: “I just haven’t seen this going anywhere… I can deal with the distance as long as there is progress, and I haven’t seen that. I’m worried if it’s been this tough so far to get things off the ground, it’s only going to get tougher.”
P: “We are not in a relationship. This isn’t preventing you from doing anything. So what’s the harm? Next, what’s been tough lately? What happened over the past 3-4 days?”
Me: “I think you are a great guy, and I like you a lot. But, I’m having doubts this is a good idea if feelings are getting involved. What changed is I had a hard time both remembering to text or call and to find the time to do so. And, I feel bad about that! However, I don’t hear my phone ringing all that often to be honest either.”
P: “And, this came about because? Have I done something recently?”
Me: “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
P: “K. You don’t need to feel bad.”
Me: “I’m just being honest.”
P: “I haven’t called in the past 2 days because I was waiting to see if you’d put in some effort.”
Me: “I mean in general.”
P: “So, you feel I don’t call or contact a lot first?”
Me: “You text me, but you know how I feel about that. I can’t think of this as not a relationship. I’m not capable of that based on how we talk to each other. And by tying myself up in this relationship, I don’t feel I’m opening myself up to something else, and I just don’t know if this is enough for me. Does that make sense?”
P: “It does. Why did you feel bad this weekend? You weren’t thinking of me? It’s okay. Um. You’d date a guy if he came along right?”
Me: “Which goes to say, it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you anymore. It’s just the tone and frequency that may change.”
P: “I mean first you have to be interested in someone? Then you can worry about that. No? You should worry about not being able to open up to a guy when you see someone who interests you. What can I do to have you continue to be close? My ‘babe?’ LOL.”
Me: “And, how is this fair to you? I string you along until I find another guy? That’s not right!”
P: “I know the risk I’m taking. You find another guy, I back off and let you be happy.”
Me: “I know. But I don’t play like that. The emotions that build up until I meet someone else.”
P: “Obviously sounds like you just don’t like me that much.”
Me: “I like you plenty. I just don’t like the situation. And, I don’t want to hurt.”
P: “And, then you meet someone. If we meet before then, we could discuss different terms.”
Me: “This isn’t easy, but I’m trying to make the mature decision. I thought it would go down differently than it has. I thought after a month I’d have seen you already.”
P: “I’m shocked by this.”
Me: “I thought we’d be making this work long distance, when really it’s just been ‘how’s your day’ text messages and calls.”
P: “I know you want more in-depth talks.”
Me: “We had a fight about this… I told you I wanted more. I haven’t seen more since then.”
P: “How else is making this work long distance? More talks? I have a feeling that still won’t be enough.”
Me: “Exactly. I thought by now we’d be planning a second visit. We haven’t had a first.”
P: “You haven’t been home at night. Been doing every sport in the world.”
Me: “I’m not pointing fingers in blame! By any means. I take responsibility as well. I lead a very active lifestyle.”
P: “Yup.”
Me: “I just need more if I’m in a relationship, and if I’m not getting that, it’s more of a friendship. Just redefining us. Not eliminating us.”
P: “Well. Not hearing ‘babe’ or having that closeness… Seems more like eliminating.”
Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
P: “Just unhappy about this obviously. I can try to have more intimate talks and move us forward.”
Me: “I think we need to discuss this more, but I have a busy afternoon until this evening…”
P: “I like you. I feel emotionally connected to you. Of course you do. “
Me: “Can I call you later? And that snide comment is exactly why I feel this conversation needs to happen.”
P: “Yet, I get the blame for no contact. I might be with friends later.”
Me: “I’m not going to fight with you about this, so please drop the combative attitude.”
P: “I’d stop anything for a guy who will do the same for me. Babe. You made up your mind right?”
Me: “No. I want to talk to you about this, but I have work to do.”
P: “So you want to talk more to tell me how you want less contact and just a friendship?”
Me: “You are impossible. I want to discuss how we can proceed from here. Please be an adult about this.”
P: “I am if you are saying you are open to developing our closeness. Great. If you are going to continue to explain our new status, I get your thoughts. I’m not mad. Have a good afternoon. I get that you want the tone and frequency to change. I’ve missed you and care about you and think you’re an incredible person.”
With that, the texting conversation ended for the afternoon. I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to him like adults, but every time I called, he ignored me. He would go right back to texting me, but would not discuss this over the phone. I don’t like having conversations like this over text. You can’t hear someone’s tone in a text. Later that night we chatted some more:
P: “In bed thinking of you. Very unhappy about this situation.”
Me: “I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sorry. I know I need more in a relationship, but I’m also trying to take your feelings into consideration.”
P: “You need more, so go find more… I’m very frustrated.”
Me: “What are you frustrated about?”
P: “That you want to just quit and be friends.”
Me: “I don’t want things to get messy. I don’t want to hurt you. How are you going to feel when I say, ‘I met someone?’ “
P: “I’m sensing you just lost interest. I’m a big boy. You meet someone and then I’ll get put aside. You don’t like me. Then there’s not much I can do with that.”
Me: “Okay. The truth is, I did meet someone.”
P: “K. That you should have said. So much for always being honest. So what’s with the I don’t know how to fix this?”
Me: “I thought it would make things easier if I asked you to just be friends, but if that means you think I don’t like you, then I feel the need to come clean… Cause I do like you.”
P: “Okay. I wish you luck. You’re a great guy.”
Me: “I want to keep you as a friend. That’s why I’m treating treading so delicately. Are you okay?”
P: “We can be friends, but I need space… I’m fine. Not happy about it, but what can I do?”
Me: “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you! You’re an amazing guy!”
P: “We are going to change our relationship, and that’s not going to happen soon. If you’re ever single and want to explore, definitely contact me. If I’m single, who knows…”
Me: “Okay. I’ll give you space. When you feel comfortable, please reach out to me again!”
I didn’t feel I got the closure I needed with him. I could tell he wasn’t happy and a little heart-broken. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew if I kept up the charade, it would only get worse down the road. I think I did the right thing. I did what needed to be done. Now it was a matter of time and healing before he would reach out to me again.
Follow @onegayatatimeMom & Dad Turn a Deaf Ear
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 3, 2011
Mother’s Day crept up on me this year so quickly I didn’t get a chance to buy Mom a present. It should be easy. It’s always my birthday weekend. I decided quickly, I would take her out to dinner in New York City. I also thought ahead to Father’s Day and suggested they both come stay with me for a weekend. I would take them both out to dinner for Mather’s Day whenever they could find the time to visit. They always look forward to visiting my sister and I in Hoboken and venturing into the city, so I thought it was a perfect gift. I told them to check their calendar and get back to me.
That never really came to fruition. Weeks passed , and they never picked a day. That was the case, until they were coming into the city on a bus trip my aunt was running to see Rent. Every time they come to visit for a show, they go to Carmine’s. I always get an invite to join for dinner or lunch even though I’m not going to the show. This time, my parents wanted nothing to do with Carmine’s. They have a lot of complaints about how my aunt orders a lot of family style pasta dishes. “If we’re coming into New York City, I want something better than pasta, especially at that price,” my mother exclaimed over the phone. I didn’t blame her. The city had a plethora of great restaurants to offer. No one should be going back to the same place every time they visit, no matter how convenient.
I agreed to take them out for dinner following the show and asked them to pick a place. Once again, this was a whole ordeal. I helped them out by picking a few great restaurants in the area to choose from. Even that was like pulling teeth. Finally, they left the decision up to me, so I chose City Lobster and Steak. In the days leading up to the visit, I learned my sister would also be joining us.
I met my sister in Hoboken and rode the bus into the city together. We met my parents at the restaurant and got a nice table by the window. It had been some time since I caught up with my parents, even though I call several times a week just to chat when I’m bored and walking somewhere.
We talked a bit about the show before the topic of conversation shifted elsewhere. At one point, my mother asked me what I’d done over the weekend. I explained my successful date with Smiles and discussed how I finally had a successful third date. “What does that mean?” she replied. I said, “I have had a lot of unsuccessful first dates, but I finally found a guy I liked. In reply, she said, “Oh,” and smiled.
After the ten seconds we spent talking about my love life, she immediately turned to my sister and asked if she was still dating the doctor she had been seeing. I was a little infuriated. This was at least the fourth time she’d done this to me. Every time I brought up a guy I was “dating,” she changed the subject to the guy my sister was dating. She still wasn’t comfortable talking about my dating men. I don’t know why this is. She has gay friends. She’s very accepting of them. Why isn’t she comfortable with mine? I know these things take time. Trust me, I’m not taking that for granted. However, I came out to my parents over a year ago, and they still weren’t quite okay with it. I know I’ve concentrated on my mother’s reaction to this and not my father’s. He didn’t really react much at all. Just head nods. I only single out my mother because this is something I would talk to her about and rarely my father, even if I was dating a woman. I wanted to be able to talk about it with them. It is an exciting part of my life at times. Maybe I need to change that. Maybe I’m not giving him a fair shot. Maybe he could become an ally to bring my mother to terms with my sexuality. Only time will tell.
I discussed this exact exchange with my sister on the bus on the ride into the city. I predicted this would happen when I told her I was going to mention how things were going with Smiles. She suggested I not cause a commotion for dinner considering it was a gift. I explained I wasn’t going to attack them or anything, but I wasn’t going to shy away from the issue anymore. I was going to bring it up, whether they liked it or not.
After dinner, my sister and I went to the bar to meet some of her friends. As we walked, I told her how p*ssed I was. She conveyed I was probably hurt, but I corrected her in that I was p*ssed. She understood. She tried to keep the conversation going when I was talking about Smiles, accentuating the fact that I had gone on so many unsuccessful first dates, and this was a big deal. But, it didn’t exactly work. I asked her to go to bat for me a little. I asked her to tell my parents how disappointed and p*ssed I was about the issue and to ask them why it was happening. It wasn’t an easy conversation to have with them, but I was hoping they’d be a little more forthcoming with my sister, since it wasn’t her feelings they’d be hurting.
Those test results have yet to come back from the lab. In the end, I understand they’re going to have a hard time with it. I would have a hard time if my son came to me and told me he was gay. My heart would go out to him because it’s not an easy lifestyle to live. However, I know it’s not a choice one makes, and I would accept my son completely as the person he is. I would be thrilled he found the confidence to be himself, and I would fully support him and the man he chooses to stand by. I’m not looking for miracles. I just want them to take an interest in my love life. Growing up, they always pressured me to find someone. In a twist of irony, when I finally did, they want nothing to do with it. Only time will tell how this plays out, but when the time comes when I want to bring someone home for a holiday, it’s going to be like ripping off a band-aid, when it could have been an evolving process…
Follow @onegayatatimeSmiles Crosses the Hudson
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 2, 2011
After a very successful date with Smiles, I was left wanting more. Of course I was on Cloud 9, but I couldn’t let my crazy flag fly quite yet. I had a great time with him and a connection was obviously there, but I had to check myself. And, I couldn’t put all my eggs in one basket.
Ironically, Smiles showed his hand well before I even had the chance to show mine. Somewhere in the confusion of emails, he replied to an old email I sent him eleven days prior. It was in reference to the first night I met him. I asked him, “How would you feel about meeting up Thurs. happy hourish??” He responded to that email saying, “Done.” He thought I was asking him out again, but in reality, I was asking him out for the first time (the first time we met at Employees Only). I can’t say I wasn’t thrilled with the response. It showed he was as interested in seeing me as I was in seeing him.
Once I realized what happened, I responded to his email, and now that I had his number, I sent him a text: “While I may jump the gun when it comes to emailing you, you’re the complete opposite. You ask yourself out and respond to emails a week old. I asked you to go out for happy hour 2 Thurs. ago, not this coming Thurs. I can’t meet up this Thurs. I have volleyball, but I’d love to meet up Fri. if you’re available.”
He laughed at the situation and told me we’d make plans for Friday after work. When Friday arrived, I texted him and said, “What’s the plan?”
He responded, “I was thinking it might be fun to go to the Standard Beer Garden for a drink and play ping-pong then go up to deem for new or since I haven’t really been to Hoboken, grab the PATH from the village afterward and find dinner somewhere over there. Thoughts? Preferences?”
Obviously autocorrect was hard at work here. I had no idea what “deem for new” was, however, that wasn’t what I was concentrating on. The fact that he offered to come to Hoboken spoke volumes to me. When I started dating guys in the city, I knew I was going to have to be the one to commute in. No guys in the city like to come out to Hoboken. They think it’s this far off land, when really it’s easier than going over to the East Side.
“Beer Garden and ping-pong sound great. Hope you bring your A game 😉 Don’t know what “deem for new” is, but we can hit up Hoboken too…” I responded.
He replied, “Harlem for bbq. I hate this autocorrect. Just give me my keyboard back.”
We met right after work and had a few beers. When the ping-pong tables opened up, we hopped on. I love an active guy. I have a short attention span and love being active, so when I find another guy who’s on the same page, I find it incredibly sexy. After about a half hour of rallying back n’ forth, we finished our beers and chatted a bit. When both our glasses were empty, we discussed where to head next for dinner. Since he offered to go to Hoboken, I capitalized on that opportunity.
As we walked to the Christopher Street PATH station, he pulled me aside and planted a kiss on me. This was starting to become a pattern, and I LOVED IT! I’m not big on PDA, but when you can sneak a kiss when no one is around on the street, I get incredibly turned on. I’m not gonna lie. When I knew we were going back to Hoboken, I had a pretty sure feeling we’d be visiting my apartment at some point in the night.
We took the PATH to Hoboken and joked about the many characters riding the train. This was a new experience for him. That’s what he was looking for, either in Hoboken or Harlem.
When we arrived in Hoboken, I showed him the amazing train station. He is big on photography and architecture, so I knew he’d appreciate it. Afterwards, we took a stroll along the waterfront as I pointed out the spectacular view of New York City. He reached out and grabbed my hand. This was a completely new thing for me. I’d never held a man’s hand in Hoboken. It’s not a homophobic society, but it’s also not a very open one. Regardless, I loved the sign of affection.
We decided to have dinner at Zylo, the steakhouse in the bottom of the W. Neither of us had been there, so we decided to give it a whirl.
While we sat at dinner we chatted. We ordered drinks; of course the same since we share drink tastes, but this time it was dirty martinis with bleu cheese olives. I was nearly floored when he brought up his birthday festivities and invited me. “I’m having my birthday on Wednesday with two of my friends at The Jimmy if you’re available and would like to come.” I told him as long as I didn’t have anything else going on, I would be thrilled. That was a huge step for me. The birthday invite is no small potatoes. It’s a big deal. It means introducing me to friends. I was impressed he felt that comfortable with me already. I wondered if I would get an invite since he first mentioned his birthday. I immediately became more attracted to him and started to let my guard down a bit. I didn’t need to put up such a front about my true feelings.
After dinner, we walked outside. I grabbed him and said, “Okay. So, I’m not going to let you come all the way out to Hoboken without coming to my apartment. You up for that?” He agreed, and we set off in the drizzling rain towards my apartment. Of course, he complained about the distance, but I assured him it would be worth it in the end.
When we got to my place, I showed him around, of course ending in my bedroom. It didn’t take long before animal instincts took over, and we were all over each other.
(Warning: Following paragraph may be too graphic for some) In the midst of passion, with the lights off, he said to me, “I want to f*ck you so bad. Are you okay with that?” I had a decision to make. All summer, I lived by the policy of strictly topping. I found I did not enjoy bottoming and declared that was something I would only do for a guy I truly liked once I was in a relationship. This policy worked quite well for me, but again, I had a decision to make. Without a word, I reach into my nightstand and took out a condom and bottle of lube. The decsion was made. I handed him the condom and warned him he’d have to go slow. It had been a long time for me since my last penetration. As I’ve experienced many times with guys, “condom syndrome” kicked in, and the heat was lost momentarily. However, we quickly recovered and some great sex ensued.
Afterwards, we showered and hopped into bed for the night. After a little cuddling, we both dozed off. In the morning, I woke and went into the kitchen to make us breakfast. Shortly thereafter, he woke and came out to join me. I loved seeing him walking around in my clothes.
I poured him a cup of coffee and went back to the stove to tend to the eggs and homemade pork and apple sausages. He came behind me and gave me a hug and kissed my neck. It was the perfect gesture at the perfect time. I was really falling for him every second I spent with him. This is what I’d been searching so long for. I was happy with where things were going, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t still a little doubt in my mind. We weren’t dating yet. As my friend loves to point out, sex does not equal a relationship. She is right.
After we ate, I walked him back to the PATH. It was Saturday afternoon, and all of Hoboken was out getting ready for the football game. We stopped in front of the PATH station, right across from the prominent football bar, Texas Arizona, and we kissed each other goodbye. Again, this is not part of my comfort zone, but I went with it. I needed to be comfortable with these situations. There is no reason I should be embarrassed or ashamed.
Needless to say, I walked home with a grin on my face from ear-to-ear. I was so elated and blissfully happy. The date could not have gone better. However, there was a little voice in the back of my head telling me to calm down and not get overly excited…
Follow @onegayatatimeHIV Testing Hassle
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on November 1, 2011
After I had unprotected sex with San Francisco, I came home and marched myself straight to the local clinic for the free OraSure HIV test. I couldn’t believe how quick, easy and painless the process was. And, I had the results in twenty minutes — There was no waiting around worrying.
After that, I made a promise to myself to get tested on a regular basis. It didn’t matter if I was having unprotected sex or not, I wanted to get into a routine. I entered a new world when I came out, and that new world comes with different risks. I needed to do everything I could to protect not only myself, but also others I come in contact with.
I marked my calendar back then for six months later. That day arrived, and I went back to the same clinic. When they called my name, I went into the back room and sat with the woman who administered my first test. I didn’t have any reason to be worried, but I was still nervous and anxious. She asked me what brought me in to the clinic that day for the test. I explained to her I had unprotected sex six months ago, and I came in to get tested to make sure I was still negative. I told her I wanted to make it a regular habit to get tested, so I was back again six months later.
That’s when she started to scold me. She said, “That’s not what this test is meant for. Part of the reason we give this test is also educational. If you are having unprotected sex, then the test is warranted, but you shouldn’t be having unprotected sex, especially with people you are unsure of their status. You may be having unprotected oral sex, but again, part of this program is we educate you about the consequences of that. Unless you have an open cut in your mouth, you don’t need the test.” She went on and on almost berating me for coming in to know my status. I explained to her while “I’m having protected sex, you can never be 100% sure of anyone else’s status at any given time, even if you are in a committed relationship. I wanted to start a routine of testing for my own peace-of-mind.”
She replied, “That’s not what this test is for. We’ll give it to you today, but that’s not what the test is meant for.”
I was flabbergasted. She was harassing me for being overly cautious. I was having protected penetration sex, but no one has protected oral sex these days. What’s the point. Let’s be realistic here. And, who monitors open cuts in their mouth on a daily basis. Maybe I brushed my tongue a little too rough that day. That’s not going to be top of mind when I’m getting physical with a man.
I couldn’t believe she was giving me a hard time for going above and beyond the norm. If I told her I had unprotected sex a year ago and just decided to come in, she had every right to educate me on my shortcomings, but I felt very insulted she was telling me I was wrong for being sure of my status.
Twenty minutes later, she came out to the waiting room and brought me back into the testing room. She told me my status was negative and asked if I would like a copy of the paperwork. I graciously accepted and went on with my day.
When I told friends what happened, they were shocked. I arrived at work and told coworkers about what happened, and they couldn’t believe it. My coworkers and I had actually been working on trying to win business from the company who administers the test, so we are all very versed in the product and its benefits. Many of my straight coworkers were interested in getting tested following the pitch just because it was so easy and convenient. Everyone should know his or her status — After all, knowing is love.
I could understand if the woman gave me a hard time on a financial basis. If she told me the free test was meant for those less fortunate who couldn’t afford it or felt strongly they needed the test due to exposure to and HIV positive individual, I would have understood. That wasn’t the case. She wasn’t telling me I didn’t need a free test. She was telling me I didn’t need the test at all. I felt she was doing people a disservice if this is her policy with all those who came in for routine testing. Peace-of-mind is a wonderful thing, and no one should be denied that. I had mine for the next six months, but I would certainly have to find a new location to have the test administered six months from now.
Follow @onegayatatimeWall Street Dining
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 31, 2011
My apologies. After a short hiatus, I’m back…
In the days following my date with Smiles, I was very happy. I felt I finally met a guy I was really interested in who was genuinely interested in me. The possibilities seemed endless.
That being said, we weren’t dating yet — Not even in my warped head. There was no reason why I shouldn’t still be seeing other guys. Before I met Smiles, there were a few guys I was trying to set up dates with while I was building up the roster.
One in particular worked in a different part of town than I worked in. He was down in the financial district on Wall Street working as a consultant. While New York City isn’t exactly long distance dating, I definitely have a predilection for guys who live/work near where I live and work. It just makes it more convenient to see each other.
If you recall, my only real relationship that had two legs to stand on was with Broadway, and we rarely saw each other outside the bedroom based on work schedules. I know myself well enough to know I need a guy who will be around and able to spend time with me.
That being said, this new guy wasn’t eliminated because he was a subway ride away. Like I always say, I’m an equal opportunity dater. I don’t discriminate, even based on location.
We finally found an evening to meet up for dinner after I was done work. When the day arrived, he had quite a busy schedule, but he was still able to step away from the office to grab a quick bite. He picked a restaurant near his office, Plein Sud. It was convenient for me because it was a few blocks away from the World Trade Center PATH station for me to scoot home. I arrived slightly early and waited for him to arrive. He was running a little behind. I didn’t mind because usually I am the one running late.
When he arrived, we went in and sat. It was a nice French restaurant. I was expecting something a little more casual, but I went with it.
We met on OKCupid. He checked out my profile and messaged me. We went back-and-forth a few times before deciding to try to meet up. We had an active lifestyle in common, so I was willing to meet him without first getting to know each other in-depth over the computer. I wanted to make sure we had plenty to talk about on the first date, even if it wasn’t going very well.
We sat and chatted a bit about our jobs. To be honest, I didn’t remember a whole lot about him, but he didn’t recall everything about me either. After discussing what we did to pay the bills, we moved on to where we grew up and where we went to school. He was from Mexico/Texas and still had a thick accent. We had quite a different upbringing and studied very different fields in college. He was a nice enough guy, but we didn’t share all that much in common after all. We talked shortly about what we do for fun before he asked the waiter for the check. Throughout the meal, he kept apologizing for having to make it so quick, but I understood he had to go back to work. There weren’t exactly fireworks between us, so he wasn’t preventing a good thing from continuing.
I can’t know what was going on in his head, but he seemed interested in me and asked if we could meet up again. I told him, “I’m sure we can work something out.” I knew in the back of my head I was never going to see this guy again. He was a nice guy, but I could already tell it would be laborious to find time to get together. Finding friends/lovers shouldn’t be that hard.
I said goodbye to him at the corner as he walked back to work, and I walked to the PATH.
I was okay the date didn’t go spectacularly. I had my sights set on Smiles. However, I know myself well enough, and I still needed a distraction so I wouldn’t smother him with attention. I continued to look to my roster for dates, but that’s also where The Principal came in. We continued to talk on the phone, text and chat. I needed an outlet, and we already had a budding relationship. I would continue to foster things with him while I investigated the furthering of a relationship with Smiles.
Follow @onegayatatimeLife Interrupts
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Uncategorized on October 24, 2011
My great apologies to my dedicated readers, but I will not be publishing this week. I had a death in the family, and I will be traveling and unable to write. Thank you for understanding.
Skype with Massachusetts Mainlander
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 21, 2011
Since I left the island of Martha’s Vineyard, not a day went by I didn’t talk to the Massachusetts Mainlander.
Every day, we either texted or talked on the phone. One of us would text the other to say good morning, and throughout the day, we’d call each other to talk on the phone.
I liked chatting with him. I wasn’t sure where things would go between us. We live six hours apart. I tried the long-distance relationship thing with San Francisco, and we could have made it work — He just wasn’t completely compatible with me. I always have my doubts about long-distance relationships, especially with me, but I was willing to give this a shot if nothing else was coming my way. I’m the kind of guy who needs someone present. I like coming home to a man or going to a movie or laying together on the couch. Distance is not something I welcome with open arms.
I never met The Principal, so that threw in a whole other element. Face-time was important to me. If I couldn’t be with him physically, I needed the next best thing – Skype.
It wasn’t easy to convince him to come on Skype. It took a lot of arm twisting. When we started, I could tell he was very self-conscious. He was constantly adjusting and fixing himself. He wouldn’t even speak on Skype. He insisted on typing and blamed it on his roommate being home. I kept telling him to relax. “It’s just me,” I told him. Afterall, we developed quite a bond over the phone over the past couple weeks.
Our conversation was pretty standard (abridged of course), but would need to build to grow into a full relationship:
P: I’m all warm and horny now. LOL
Me: Haha. Oh really?
P: Def. LOL It’s this really cute guy in front of me.
Me: You look so snuggly right now. Like I could nestle in the armpit and watch TV with you. The real thing would be so much better, but this will do for now 😉
P: Pizza with roomie coming soon.
Me: I’m making pizza tonight from scratch.
P: When you cooking for me?
Me: As soon as you come stay with me for a weekend 🙂
P: All weekend?
Me: Yes. You come straight from work Friday and leave Sunday afternoon, so you can get home and relax before work on Monday. We can snuggle all weekend. Maybe I’ll show you New York for 5 min, and then, we’ll come right back here.
P: LOL You’ll hate me after that weekend.
Me: Why do you say that? You know it’s not true!
P: Too much of me. LOL
Me: No such thing! What… You’d come down for the day!? THAT’S DEF NOT ENOUGH TIME TO SPEND WITH YOU!
We were both laying it on pretty thick. Maybe I was getting a little carried away, but I really did like him. He seemed like a great guy. Had he lived in the same state, I’m sure we’d have been on many dates by then.
Me: See my room?
P: I dont konw what to do with you!
Me: My big bed…
P: It looks really comfortable.
Me: There’s a whole side with your name on it.
P: You are so awesome!
Me: You are too!!
P: Think about you alot… Potential of where to take this…. Never thought it would come to this level you know?
Me: I know. You’re quite the skeptic.
P: Well, I mean it was Grindr.
Me: Grindr is just the medium. The vessel.
P: I know but… Just mesh with you.
Me: You get out of it what you put into it. Doesn’t matter where you meet someone. Still think you should have hopped on the ferry and had dinner and drinks with me.
P: That time is done though.
Me: I know. I konw. So, now you should hop in the car. and have dinner with me. 🙂
P: That’s a long drive for dinner. LOL
Me: Dinner doesn’t end at the restaurant.
I also really enjoyed flirting with him. He responded very well to it, and I could tell he was very attracted to me. I was curious if he talked to anyone else about me. I didn’t broadcast to my friends I was talking to someone in upstate Massachusettes, but I did discuss it with my roommate.
Me: Have you mentioned me to ur roommate at all? Told my roommate about you. She comes home from work… “How’s Steve?”
P: I haven’t talked to anyone about you.
P: Def. takes it to another level — Seeing you and conversation. I want to feel close to you, smell you, nuzzle… I’ve only been with 3-4 guys (full intercourse), and I def def want to be connected with you bad.
Me: I love the way you describe it — Makes it romantic, sensual, passionate. I want to toss you down on my bed and treat you right!
P: I want to be tossed. 😉
The pillow talk died down a bit, and we talked more about relationship desires.
P: I want to rub you.
Me: A shoulder rub from my sexy man when I get home from work, and he tells me all about his day.
P: And, the back of your head.
Then the conversation took a turn I wasn’t thrilled with.
P: You need a great guy close to you.
Me: First, we figure out us.
P: You’re incredible.
Me: Then, we figure out the distance. Can’t let that be an obstacle.
P: Not what I meant.
Me: I need you close to me.
P: You should be dating someone close to you.
Me: STOP TRYING TO PUSH ME AWAY!
P: I want you to be happy.
Me: I really dont like when you do this!
P: K. I’ll stop.
Me: Good.
After that short detour, we got back on track:
P: Obviously I want you for me. I’ve been wrecked by you. Not even into talking to guys right now. You fulfill so much already. OMG — You are killing me. We touch base all day every day…
Me: I want you to be my man!
P: Care about you… This.
Me: You’re adorable. I just want to hug you all night.
P: Def could get lost in those arms.
Me: This could all be yours!!! For the low low price of a car ride 😛 I don’t want to pressure you though.
P: It would be the prize of the century.
P: I just feel really good with you.
Me: And, I with you.
P: And, the sexual is like beyond crazy. LOL I can’t imagine the chemistry.
Me: We can do this again soon. Now that you enjoy it.
P: K… I really like you! 😉 Bye.
The Principal was a really great guy. I really liked him. He didn’t know it, but he was also providing me an invaluable service. He was distracting me from Smiles. I have a tendency to dive in full force, even when I barely know a guy. The Principal was giving me an outlet for this so I didn’t scare off Smiles. I wasn’t exactly using him. I did enjoy conversing with him, and I really did think he was a great guy. But, only time would tell if this relationship had two legs to stand on…
Smiles Returns pt. 2
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 20, 2011
My second date with Smiles was off to a great start! We already walked the entire High Line and grabbed sangria. Now we were on our way to an unplanned dinner.
As we walked, he reached down to grab my hand. I’m terrible at making those first moves, so when he did, I nearly melted into a puddle right there on the street. I loved every second of it. It also gave me the validation he was enjoying my company. We stopped to snap a few pictures of interesting things along the way. I was happy to see he was into photography since this was something I was truly interested in as well. We chatted more on the subject as we walked and stroked each other’s hands.
When we arrived at Extra Virgin, I learned why he warned me he was quite the regular. Immediately, the host made a killing fuss over him. He was a tall flamboyantly gay black man who had no qualms about jumping all over Smiles in front of me. I enjoyed the spectacle, especially since Smiles was getting quite embarrassed by the fiasco.
We took our seat at the bar and began to peruse the drink menu. Dark and Stormies have become one of my new favorite drinks, especially in a crisp fall day. The bartender asked Smiles what he wanted to drink, and much to my surprise, he replied, “I’ll have a Dark and Stormy.” Of course, when he turned to me, I replied, “I’ll have the same.” We commented to each other how much we like he drink and how perfect it is for this time of year. It was nice to see more and more commonality as the evening progressed.
As I was looking over the menu, I settled on the chicken with a mushroom sauce. He was looking over his menu and made the recommendation, “The chicken is excellent.” I informed him I already decided on that and was looking forward to it. Once our orders were placed, we could return to our conversation. We found more and more commonality between us, and I was really enjoying the time I was spending with him. What was supposed to simply be coffee and a stroll on the High Line turned into an all day affair.
Shortly after we arrived, a coworker arrived and sat next to Smiles. We didn’t acknowledge each other, and I was okay with that. I wasn’t hiding anything, but I’m still not out at work. It made for some slight awkwardness, but it certainly didn’t taint my evening.
Our meals arrived, and we both enjoyed them thoroughly as the conversation continued. At one point, he stood to use the restroom. As he passed my chair, he put his arms around me from behind and gave me a hug. It was one of the sweetest things any man had done to me in a long time. When he returned, he sat with his hand on my thigh as we chatted. The bartender brought over the desert menu since the host offered it to us on the house. I then took my hand an placed it on his thigh, gently stroking his knee while we chatted. At one point, I removed my hand, and he reached up to the bar and placed my hand back on his leg. I liked his conviction and it sent a clear signal to me he was enjoying his night as much as I was.
Following our meal, we walked down the street. He again reached out and grabbed my hand. While walking down a darker street, he guided me across the sidewalk, pulled me in closer, and he planted a kiss on me. These are the little things that really win me over. I was really falling for this guy, which was very interesting since the first date didn’t go extremely well. We came upon a cellist on the street corner playing for all passersby. He took the hand he as holding and pulled it around his back. We stood and listened for a song while he played. It was very relaxing having him leaning against me with my arm around him. I was truly there in the moment and extremely happy. I’m sure I had a smile from ear to ear.
When we decided to continue on, we walked toward the PATH station. We made one quick pitstop in a sex shop on Christopher Street. We looked in the front window at some of the wares the store sold. I wondered if this was a test to see if I could roll with the punches and have fun. I think he wanted to see how I would react, and I performed superbly. We had so much fun talking about everything in the store. He even took pictures of a few things, and we had a good laugh.
We continued another block before we were at the PATH station. We stood facing each other talking about how much fun we had. We hugged, and I pulled him in for a few kisses. I wanted to ravage him, but it was neither the time or the place. We had a conversation earlier in the night about making people a priority and seeing the people you care about the most. I acknowledged that conversation by turning to him as he walked away and said, “Let’s do this again soon! Make me a priority.”
After the date, I shot him an email the following day. “So I tried not to jump the gun so much this time… Waited ’til I had some downtime this afternoon to hit you up… Better?? Hope the cold calling isn’t too painful! (Acknowledging his workday) Had a great time yesterday! Hope you negotiated good rates with everyone (the cellist, bartender, host, Joan Rivers, …) to play their parts. Would love to see you again, so let me know when you’re free, and we can get together. P.S. Do you think I’m I phone number worthy yet?”
Shortly after, he replied, “LOL! yes, ###.###.####. Glad you appreciate my unplanned dating Karma ;-)” It was great to hear back from him so soon. It showed he was still interested in seeing me. I couldn’t have been happier. It was just a question of when I would get to see him again…
Smiles Returns
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on October 19, 2011
While returning home from alumni weekend, I sent an email to Smiles to see if we could find time to get together Sunday afternoon: “Hey dude. Let me know if you’re still up for meeting up tomorrow…” I sent it around 11:00 at night, so I didn’t expect a reply until the following day. So, when I got back to Hoboken, I asked around to see who was going out to the bar. No one seemed to be up for anything, so I went home did laundry and watched TV.
I woke the next morning to a return email from him saying, “Hey bud, yeah we can work something out. What did you have in mind?” I replied back, “Your call… Grab bite, drink, coffee, walk High Line…” Apparently, he was already out and about that morning, and he responded, “Just finishing brunch. Let’s grab cords and walk up highland. What time works?”
I was a little confused, but I was used to deciphering autocorrect text messages. “I’m assuming that cords means coffee and highland means highline… haha I can meet you in about an hour? That work?” I responded. He replied, “Ah yes autocorrect. Let’s meet at 4:30 at Doma in west village its 7th and Perry I think.”
I was very excited but still very relaxed. I was thrilled he was still willing to see me again after the less that stellar first date, but I’ve also done a very good job of not getting my hopes up about these dates anymore. I’ve had enough bad ones to know the drill now. Yes, I’ve become jaded.
I arrived at the coffee shop and waited for him outside. When he arrived, we exchanged hugs and went inside to grab coffees. He paid for mine, which I thought was very sweet of him. He suggested we take a walk through the West Village on our way to hop up on the High Line park. As we walked, he told me about the crazy time he had the previous night at the bars and how he was a little less than 100%. He put his arm around me and explained he was afraid to postpone on me since I was so broken-hearted when he didn’t respond within the first twelve hours after our first date (in a playful way). I was a little embarrassed by my lack of patience and told him he could have postponed on me, and I completely would have understood. We had a good laugh about it.
We walked and came upon a band playing in a courtyard. We stopped to listen before continuing on to the High Line. We climbed the stairs to the elevated park and began to stroll along like everyone else. This was the third date I took up there. I could tell Smiles was really enjoying it. He is very interested in architecture and design, as am I, so we had extensive conversations about all the surrounding buildings. I found it utterly romantic when he would turn my attention to a specific building by putting his hand on my shoulder to talk about a specific element. We talked the entire span from 14th street to 34th street. We even passed Joan Rivers and her small entourage while walking. When we reached the top, we walked back down to street level.
As we walked back downtown, we talked more. I learned he attended three different Burning Mans in the past. Just that Friday, I watched a movie shot by a bunch of guys who attended this years. It looked spectacular, and I was highly interested in attending. He gave me some of the insider tips, and the conversation shifted to the traveling we’ve done.
As we were walking through the West Village again, he noted he’d love to grab a beer and asked if I was interested. We stepped into a nice spot that had an outdoor space in the back, Entwine. We both ordered sangria. When I mentioned I wanted to order hummus and pitas, he noted he had to cut gluten out of his diet. I was rather famished, and I think he realized this.
He originally planned to meet his ex for dinner that night, but hadn’t heard from him in some time. Since this was the case, he asked if I would be interested in grabbing dinner with him. Of course I obliged. He mentioned two spots he could think of. I agreed Extra Virgin sounded great. He warned me he was quite the regular at that spot, but I wasn’t quite sure why that warranted a warning.
I paid the tab for the sangrias, and we started to walk to Extra Virgin. The night was shaping up to be quite a date, but it was only just beginning…
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 