It was obvious things were strained between Smiles and I. For quite some time, our relationship was on the decline. He was distant, closed off, and not very engaged, and I wasn’t happy.
I tried to stick it out with him. I tried being patient and understanding. He was a good guy, and I could see there was a great guy under all this. But, I had reached my limit. I knew I deserved better. It was time to move on.
Wednesday passed without communication from Smiles, so I sent him a text in the middle of the afternoon. “It’s apparent you’re trying to put distance between us. Can you possibly find time to discuss things with me in person? Thanks,” I typed.
He responded ten minutes later with: “I can this weekend. I’m up at 5:30 and in bed at 12:30 and not a lot of time in between. This weekend will be a littler better but not much. I will make something work though.”
Wow! It was all I could do to restrain myself from responding, “Thanks for squeezing me in!” How could he!? After three months of dating, he couldn’t sacrifice a gym session to take the time to talk to me like a man. What a coward! It was completely disrespectful and painted a clear picture of Smiles’ true feeling for me. I doubt he ever truly cared for me. He simply enjoyed not being lonely.
I’m no one’s lap dog. I was back in the game. In my mind, we were all but broken up. It was inevitable. There was no coming back from this, especially since the relationship wasn’t the strongest to begin with. I’d been through yet another failed relationship with a man who simply wasn’t that into me. My confidence was pretty much shot. What was it about me they couldn’t seem to embrace? I’m not pathetic enough to say what was I doing wrong, but I also knew I may be something to turn these men off.
Regardless, I was back in the game. I needed to put myself back out there. Some people would argue I needed some time to be single and to figure myself out, but I know myself well enough. I didn’t need time to heal from this one. I did need to have some fun. It’d been a long time since I had passionate active sex, and I was hungry for it.
After my last breakup, I went wild over the summer. I hooked up with a lot of guys and expanded my sexual horizons. It was both a good thing and a bad thing. I didn’t want to go back to my old ways. I already learned how unfulfilling it was. There was no need to repeat old mistakes. But I wasn’t going to completely limit myself. I was “single” for all intents and purposes.
I had been talking to a Latino on Grindr for a bit of time. He seemed like a really nice guy, and we had a lot in common. Latinos aren’t really my type, but I’m an equal opportunity dater. N was of Latino background, and we got along well enough in the beginning.
We set a date for Thursday night to grab a drink at a local Hoboken bar, Trinity. He lived in neighboring Jersey City, and I convinced him to drive over since I didn’t have a car — It was a bit cold for the motorcycle.
He arrived before me, and found a spot in the corner of the bar. It was a good spot since we could talk without a large crowd of spectators. I shook his hand and introduced myself. He did the same, and I immediately recognized an accent of some sort. I asked him where he is from.
He told me of his roots in Venezuela and asked about my upbringing. I told him about my time growing up on the farm and how I came to live in the shadow of New York City.
We’d learned about our shared interest in volleyball and talked about that for some time. He was much more of an amateur than myself, but it was nice to find someone who had an interest in it.
We somehow got on the subject of coming out and families. He told me he’d been out of the closet since he was eighteen. He asked when I came out, and I proudly told him I was fresh and new. I told him I’d only come out about a year and a half ago. The expression of shock and disappointment on his face said it all. I knew the date was a failure. We chatted a bit about it, and I could tell he was not thrilled with the idea of my being a “new gay.” I tried to explain to him I wasn’t new. On the timeline, it may seem short, but I did a lot in that short period of time. I grew in leaps and bounds and had relationships of all sorts with varied men. For the first time in my life, I was trying to vaguely paint myself as a recovering whore.
When I think back about this, it was a dumb idea. If it was something that bothered him, I should have accepted that and moved on. I didn’t need to end the date then and there, but I shouldn’t have tried so hard so early to be what he wanted. I should have just been myself. This may be why I get involved with men that aren’t truly interested in me.
Somehow our discussion morphed into the topic of sex with women. He’d never been with a woman, but I have. I was just adding water to the fire with every sentence. We talked about the local gay dating ring, Grindr and the like. It was an interesting conversation, as we the entire date, but I doubted there would be a second.
When we finished that drink, I paid the bill and offered to walk him to his car. When we got there, I went in for a kiss. It was pretty bad. We pretty much crashed into each other with a forceful peck. I’m not sure why I kissed him if I wasn’t all that interested in him. I think it’s because I’ve been out of the game for some time, and I just felt like it was what I was supposed to do.
As I walked home, I checked my phone to find out one of the guys I’d met from Grindr months ago was moving to Hoboken. We’d been in touch sporadically since we originally met. He was just coming off a really rough breakup, and I was just starting things off with Smiles. I met him in hopes of making a new gay friend. I needed those as much as I needed lovers. He’d invited me to go out a few times, but I was never able to due to other plans. Now we’d be neighbors, and hanging out would be much easier. I was just what I needed to come back into my life at that moment.Follow @onegayatatime
#1 by bking84 on February 13, 2012 - 10:45 AM
Hope you’re hanging in there, it’s getting easier as the days go by for me, thank goodness. I was supposed to be in NYC for New Year’s, but it didn’t happen, going to plan another trip soon, if you’re up for it, we can have a beer 🙂
#2 by One Gay at a Time on February 13, 2012 - 1:32 PM
LOL. Missed your first comment. Sorry bud. Yes. Fully hangin in there… Life goes on… We weren’t all that close, so it makes it easier to get over…
#3 by bking84 on February 13, 2012 - 1:34 PM
good to hear. you seem like a decent man, so hard to come by, so good on you for keeping it real, you’ll find the one who deserves you.
#4 by Anonymous on February 13, 2012 - 12:44 PM
As I mentioned in a previous comment…. I’m coming out at 25-years-old with little experience in the gay dating world. Should I be worried men are going to react negatively to this? What has been your experience with this?
#5 by One Gay at a Time on February 13, 2012 - 1:12 PM
Yes and no. Certain guys are going to shy away from you for your lack of experience. Why, I have no idea! It makes no sense to me. On the other hand, the right type of guy will have no problem with this.
I personally have come to realize not to waste my time with the guys who turn their nose up at the fact that I’m “fresh.” I find they tend to be much more into “the scene” and generally more of the typical flamboyance. I apologize if I offend anyone by that overgeneralization, but it’s become my findings thus far. I find the guys who come out later in life more attractive, as they tend to act more like myself… “straight” and just happen to enjoy the company of men.
#6 by Anonymous on February 13, 2012 - 1:25 PM
Good to know. I’m consider myself laid back and have no desire to start hitting up clubs or bars to pick up guys. If anything I’m going to be relying on online services (OkCupid + Grindr) to meet like minded guys.
#7 by One Gay at a Time on February 13, 2012 - 1:27 PM
Welcome to my world…
#8 by VpO on February 13, 2012 - 2:53 PM
Gay or straight, if you can be a great friend & companion to someone, platonic or not, you can make it in the dating world. The whole “you’re a newbie” thing is another way some gays marginalize each other . . . probably a subconcious way to keep them single or unhappy. Don’t let it influence your future love prospects.
#9 by Anonymous on February 13, 2012 - 5:01 PM
Thanks for the advice, very much appreciated.
#10 by bking84 on February 13, 2012 - 1:29 PM
oh burn, didn’t respond to me lol
#11 by Ty on February 13, 2012 - 8:36 PM
Is the new Neighbour Les (Lower East Side)?
#12 by One Gay at a Time on February 13, 2012 - 8:41 PM
Nope. He won’t speak to me.
#13 by The Shit Collector on February 14, 2012 - 9:44 AM
So did you break up with him? No need to keep the cliff hanger. It’s valentine day. What will happen today between you and Smiles? or Is it overrrr. I guess it is.
#14 by One Gay at a Time on February 14, 2012 - 12:02 PM
Guess you’re going to have to keep reading to find out, although I thought it was quite apparent what my feelings were on Smiles…
#15 by The Shit Collector on February 15, 2012 - 12:37 AM
Yes it’s apparent what your feelings are on him but we don’t know if you guys officially broke up, if he promises to change and keep using you as his booty call. Anyway, it was fun reading your Smiles story while it lasted. I hope you will find a man who truly loves you and who will give you all the compliments that you lie.
#16 by One Gay at a Time on February 15, 2012 - 12:46 PM
Just because the Smiles story may be coming to a close certainly doesn’t mean there won’t be more stories about others…
#17 by The Shit Collector on February 15, 2012 - 4:04 PM
Look at my blog entry for Febr. 7 2012.
I need to stop procrastinating online and focus on my personal life. I hope you will get to keep your faithful readers entertained with whatever your next entries will be. Sending you positive vibes for your future relationship (s). So long…