Morning Paper

I woke up after a night of passion and disappointment with Smiles quite confused. I was trying to decide if my dream was reality or my imagination while feeling the disappointment of the truth of the situation.

I was suddenly aware once again how he shot me down when I wanted to discuss things with him the night before. He may have won that battle, but I wasn’t admitting defeat. It wouldn’t be long before we had that discussion. I was just waiting until the next comfortable moment to pop the question.

We woke up at a reasonable hour. Being the night after the office party, I wasn’t expected on time or to be particularly productive that morning. I had nothing planned for the day, so I took my time making my way to work.

I showered and prepped for work while Smiles checked his emails and got dressed. We decided to go downstairs from his apartment to a small diner for breakfast. Smiles grabbed the paper as we walked out the door, and we made out way downstairs.

We sat in a booth and had an interesting interaction with the hostess. It was obvious Smiles was a regular. He came there for breakfast about three times a week. She knew he didn’t need a menu, but handed me one so I could decide what I wanted for breakfast.

When the waitress approached, I witnessed yet another interesting interaction. The two of them went at each other with witty comments like an old married couple. We got our coffee and Smiles opened the paper. I know he had his morning routine, but was he really going to read the paper with me sitting there. Heaven forbid we actually talk to each other.

He perused one article about a woman who died in an elevator at a NYC ad agency. I was quite knowledgeable about the incident, so we discussed it a bit, and surprisingly he put the paper away. I think he realized how rude it was.

We got our food and the chatter was minimal. After we paid our check, I walked back upstairs to use his restrooms before heading uptown to work. I also brushed my teeth since I finally remember to bring a toothbrush. So many times I spent the night, and had no option for brushing my teeth other than a toothpaste covered finger. After I finished, I informed Smiles I would be leaving the toothbrush in his medicine cabinet. At this point, I didn’t ask. I was telling. He didn’t have a choice here. I know the toothbrush can become a symbol in a relationship for taking things to a new level, but I didn’t care. If he wanted to read into it, so be it. Didn’t matter to me — The toothbrush was staying.

He walked me to the door, and we have a very unceremonious goodbye. It was very awkward, and I wasn’t sure what the deal was.

As I walked to the PATH to head to work, I started to think about Smiles and I. Things had to change. I’d had enough of the run-around. I needed to know what we were. I didn’t need a label. I just needed to know how he felt about me. I was done putting so much of myself into something I was so unsure about. I couldn’t read him. We were going to have that discussion, and we were going to have it soon. I needed answers, because I wasn’t going to drive myself crazy trying to figure him out anymore.

Later that day, I invited him to come with me to a birthday party the following night, Friday. He informed me he was already triple booked for the night and wouldn’t be able to come along.

This was yet one more confirmation for me he wasn’t that into me. I had a party to go to, and I didn’t think twice about asking him to come with me. He already RSVPed for three parties and didn’t invite me to a single one. I also learned he had two parties on Saturday and one on Sunday. Yet more things in which he didn’t think to include me.

I resolved myself at that point to waiting him out. If he was interested in me, he was going to have to start chasing me a little bit. I wasn’t going to call. I wasn’t going to text. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d have to make the effort…

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  1. #1 by Kay on January 20, 2012 - 10:30 AM

    For the love of god, enough with the cliffhangers already! Especially one on a Friday. You are starting to make me hate weekends.

    • #2 by One Gay at a Time on January 20, 2012 - 11:44 AM

      But then what would you have to look forward to on Monday?!

      P.S. I don’t create the cliffhangers… my love-life produces them…

      • #3 by Kay on January 21, 2012 - 2:20 AM

        Come to think of it, since the day I stumble upon your blog, visiting your blog every morning had been something I do religiously. Lol.. In case you haven’t realize, I really enjoy reading your ‘cliffhanger-love-life’. Haha.. I guess you did give me something to look forward to on weekdays.

      • #4 by One Gay at a Time on January 21, 2012 - 11:22 PM

        You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear comments like that!

  2. #5 by Nick on January 20, 2012 - 12:46 PM

    i’d say it a very good ( though I must say a very difficult) decision…… u deserve better than having to hang around unappreciated…… Have the talk with him, U don’t need to ask his permission for that…… maybe he isn’t aware that U are troubled by his behavior…… hope U guys can sort it out…..
    gud luck

    • #6 by One Gay at a Time on January 20, 2012 - 1:02 PM

      Yes. I have taken a backseat in the relationship, which is highly out of character for me, but I do know my own value. It just took me a long time to realize I needed to speak up for myself for some unknown reason. Apparently I am carrying fear baggage from previous relationships…

    • #7 by Absolute Value on January 20, 2012 - 2:30 PM

      I agree with the other poster. As for me, I will come back in 2 weeks when you have more follow-up posts.

      • #8 by One Gay at a Time on January 20, 2012 - 3:32 PM

        More to come on Monday… stay tuned for some special things coming next week…

  3. #9 by kinmanhattan on January 20, 2012 - 2:54 PM

    I like the confidence and new stance you take here. It also seems like it enabled you to relax a bit more. Good for you!

  4. #13 by tycurious on January 20, 2012 - 7:02 PM

    A few years back I dated this emotionally distant guy. He did all the things smiles does and I was acting just how you are. 6 months into it I snapped, It completely broke me mentally waking up every day wondering where I stood in my own relationship. Because of his emotional distance he seemed much less crazy and dramatic than all the other guys I have dated and I was kicking myself for letting go of such a ‘catch’. I later realised the emotional coldness and lack of caring/ thought for me/ inviting me places was far worse than any other crazy I had dealt with before.

  5. #14 by One Gay at a Time on January 20, 2012 - 9:59 PM

    Very well said. But like you, it’s tough for me to walk away from someone…

  1. How to Get Out of My Own Head « One Gay at a Time

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