When Smiles and I spoke on the phone Sunday night on his way home from a party in Connecticut, I asked him to come to my apartment for a special dinner Monday night. He told me he had to work, but he was going to leave early and we’d just eat a little later. I told him this was perfect since it would take some time to cook the roast after work.
I’d told Smiles about my standing rib roast before, and he didn’t quite get what it was. I explained to him the similarity of it what one might be served at a carving station at a wedding reception. He got a clearer picture, but it still wasn’t crystal clear.
I had a rib roast in my freezer with our name on it. I finally had a chance to cook it for us, and he was on-board. I was excited. It was a plan.
Monday morning, before work, I took the roast out of the freezer to thaw for that night. I planned out the accoutrements as well. I was very excited for our romantic night. It’d been a while since we spent time together. I wanted a night of beef, wine, couch, and bed. The thought sounded spectacular to me!
What excited me even more was the idea of my sanity back. I planned to ask Smiles that night where we stood. I didn’t need a title. I didn’t need to be his boyfriend. I just wanted to know where his head was at.
I know I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but that’s what my inner dialogue is. I get fixated on something, and it exhausts me until I get some closure on the issue.
Much to my chagrin, at 1:00 that afternoon, Smiles sent me a text with some bad news. “Looks like I have people coming tonight so I’m not going to be able to sneak out. I don’t think dinner at 11:00 would be the bet. Do you want to have an early dinner here in the city before he show?” Very disappointed, I agreed with a “Sure.”
I was p*ssed. It wasn’t his fault, but I was a little crushed since I was taking so much care to plan out the evening, and it all went to sh*t. He suggested we do it another night, but came up with a consolation prize. He suggested I come over to his apartment for dinner instead before the screening. I begrudgingly agreed to the idea since it’d been so long since I’d seen him, and I sent my roommate a text asking him to put the roast back in the freezer.
When I finished work, I made my way downtown to his apartment. When I arrived, I was shocked to be received with a nice big kiss. Maybe he missed me. Maybe I wasn’t just a seat warmer in this relationship. There was actually emotion behind that kiss. I was happy.
I was a little anxious because I was still planning to ask him where we stood that evening.
He told me he had food in the fridge to make and suggested we cook that instead of going out for dinner. He preferred that since he wasn’t feeling well, and he was exhausted. It made no difference to me. Asking him my question in the privacy of his apartment sounded like such a better idea than in a restaurant anyway.
I ended up cooking the pork chops and asparagus for the two of us since Smiles wasn’t quite himself. We sat and ate — Him at his computer chair working while he ate and me on the couch. Not nearly the romantic meal I planned for the evening. When we finished, I helped him clean up and put the leftovers away. He started getting ready for the rest of his night, and we talked about my plans. He asked if I was planning to spend the night. “Well, I guess the first question I should ask is if you were planning to come to the screening tonight,” he added.
This was the first I was hearing this. I was quite open to the idea, but I told him, “I have nothing for work tomorrow. You were supposed to be coming out to Hoboken, remember.” “Right,” he responded. I reminded him I’d seen the movie twice now, but if he wanted company, I would come with him. I asked if he actually watches the movie, or if he does other things during the film. He told me he usually watches most of it. Things remained unsettled as he made his way over to the couch to take a quick nap on me.
That was my opportunity to ask him my burning question. Every moment I tried to open my mouth, I froze. Nothing would come out. I was suddenly transported back to when I sat on the couch trying to tell my parents I was gay. The anxiety was making my heart pound out of my chest. I tried over and over to ask him, but I couldn’t muster the courage. I’m not sure what I was afraid of, but it was driving me insane.
After a half hour of this, it was time for him to get up. I asked him if he wanted me to sleep over, or did he want to get some rest alone. We made a final decision. It was better he get some uninterrupted rest that night since he was so exhausted as much as I wanted to spend the night with him. He told me, “It’s very sweet of you to offer to see the film again to spend the night with me.” I liked hearing that. He recognized the sacrifice I was willing to make to spend time with him.
With that, I said goodbye, and he made his way to the screening while I made my way to the PATH — Without my answer.
I was so p*ssed at myself for getting so worked up about a stupid question. What was wrong with me?! Obviously, I needed someone to talk to. I tried Boston, my therapist. I needed him to talk me off the ledge and help me make sense of the situation. I couldn’t do it on my own. We talked it over for over a half hour and he convinced me I had no choice but to blatantly ask him where we stood. We even helped me nail down the phrasing.
When I got to the other side of the tunnel in Hoboken, I got a text from Smiles telling me he was on his way home. His friends never showed. My blood was boiling. We cancelled our dinner plans for NOTHING. I still had no closure on where I stood with Smiles. It certainly was going to be a toss-n-turn kinda night…
At the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
One Gay at a Time 
#1 by Alex Diaz on January 25, 2012 - 10:33 AM
People are stupid. Fact. After being in a relationship where situations like this occurred frequently I’ve learned to just trust what I’m feeling and talk about it with boyfriend ASAP and blatantly. We’re only wasting our own time by being angry at ourselves and getting nowhere in our relationships. Being able to discuss anything with anyone, really, is nothing more than respect and love for ourselves which we need to love people around us.
#2 by One Gay at a Time on January 25, 2012 - 2:08 PM
Exceptionally well put!
#3 by icanseebetterthroughthefog on January 25, 2012 - 3:00 PM
Dead on! Take this guy’s advice. It’s solid. I’m gonna keep this little nugget in my back pocket for use later. Thanks Alex!
#4 by One Gay at a Time on January 25, 2012 - 3:35 PM
That makes two of us.
#5 by Absolute Value on January 25, 2012 - 11:06 AM
I have lost interest in your blog and your hesitation to set things clear with him is getting ridiculous.
#6 by One Gay at a Time on January 25, 2012 - 2:05 PM
I’m sorry to hear that.
#7 by Absolute Value on January 25, 2012 - 3:39 PM
Whenever I read your latest entries, they are about how you are going to talk to Smiles about things but you never do. If each entry is about the same thing, then I might as well not spend my time reading them because I already know the ending. Different setting but same topic, same ending. I still like your blog, so I will read it when you finally post something interesting and new. I know that you think the “cliffhangers” will bring readers back, but readers like me will not come back if we have to come back to read the same story line :). The cliffhangers are a turn off when the entries are repetitive.
#8 by Alex Diaz on January 26, 2012 - 9:09 AM
Glad I could help!
Be well all.
#9 by Alex Diaz on January 26, 2012 - 9:10 AM
(I posted this in the wrong box… oops. It was ment for the #4 comment)
#10 by Absolute Value on January 25, 2012 - 3:41 PM
BTW, I am feeling bad for being harsh. Smile is torturing your heart, so I don’t have to add salt to your injuries. Hugs and I hope that things are doing better with Smile by now 🙂
#11 by One Gay at a Time on January 25, 2012 - 3:51 PM
You are not being harsh. You are speaking how you feel/what you think. I wouldn’t ask for anything else.
I write in my blog about what I go through in my relationships. Not every day is different. Some days I torture myself with the same thing over and over. But it’s my story. I don’t want to edit it down to the salacious parts, because that’s not what relationships are. Sometimes they are mundane and repetitive.
In writing these posts, I’ve come to realize I am carrying baggage from previous relationships I am working to shed. When I was going through this, it was torture! I was driving myself nuts. But I am learning, and I hope others may learn from my mistakes.
And the cliffhangers aren’t to bring readers back… It’s just how I write. It’s my style… It’s the way I end one day before getting into the next because my relationship is a continuum…
#12 by One Gay at a Time on January 25, 2012 - 5:01 PM
P.S. Tomorrow will bring new developments. I promise!
#13 by Absolute Value on January 25, 2012 - 11:29 PM
I ‘m looking forward to further developments :)I appreciate how you handle our little dialogue :with respect and courtesy. I hope that your man will open his eyes so that way you guys won’t have to break up. You love him and I would like you to be a very happy man with a wonderful boyfriend.
#14 by One Gay at a Time on January 26, 2012 - 12:04 AM
Because I respect you and your opinion. I want you to be a happy member of the community I hope to build here. I truly appreciate your comments. However, your opinion won’t change the “story” — At least not immediately. Your advice may have lasting effects down the road however…
#15 by bking84 on January 25, 2012 - 4:11 PM
I can appreciate the fact that not all days are different. I often times torture myself with the same questions day after day until I feel it’s resolved. It’s now day 5 since I split with my guy. Today seems to be the worst, reality is finally sinking in. Your blog actually got me to start one similar as I find it helps to get emotions out. check it out 🙂 http://www.agayinthelifeof.wordpress.com
#16 by One Gay at a Time on January 25, 2012 - 5:01 PM
I will def check it out. I’m so glad blogging is helping you get through your emotions. It’s why I started my blog. I find it incredibly therapeutic, but I also find it very educational for myself. I am forced to face my poor decisions and learn from them in the future. Best of luck getting through this!!
#17 by bking84 on January 25, 2012 - 5:04 PM
thanks so much for the kind words, there are still amazing people in the world 🙂 Not sure where you’re at with Smiles now,, but I got your back either way!