Ever since I joined the gay community, eye-contact has been important to me. From a guy on a date, to the eyes I gaze into during sex, to the guys I check out at the gym, making and reading eye-contact is critical.

My theory on gaydar is simple. Eye-contact. There is eye-contact, and there is eye-contact. If you make eye-contact with a man, and he’s heterosexual, he will slowly look away, and probably not turn back (unless you’re staring like a creeper!).

If you make eye-contact with a man, and he is gay, or possibly in the closet, when he catches your eye, he will quickly turn away. Straight guys will look at you, but then there are that certain few who try and sneak a second look. It’s usually fairly quick, but if you’re sharp you’ll always catch it. For me, the tell is usually the double take. If he’s interested, he will turn back again to see if you’re still looking his way. That’s when you go over and offer him a treat ;).

To the topic, I notice guys who keep me directly in their gaze as well as those who pay attention to me in their periphery. Having any interest in me at all is the giveaway. The straight guys at the gym are just too preoccupied with their little hands or the little girl on the stairclimber to notice I exist.

It’s hard to put it into words. I guess it’s something that you learn to recognize over time. It’s more of an art than a science.

I did read somewhere if a straight guy makes eye-contact, you’re supposed to talk to him calmly and approach slowly….then force him down on his back and rub his belly. Just kidding…

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve put in too much analysis here. Maybe gaydar means you just know, instinctively. Maybe trying to apply behavioral formulas is not what gaydar is all about, and if you don’t get it, well… I guess you just don’t get it.

Eye-contact on a date is equally important. I went on an a4a date recently (you’ll hear about it soon enough) where the guy looked past me for 90% of the date. The only time he made eye-contact were during the quick glances back to me periodically. It was very off-putting, especially since he had such gorgeous eyes! His other body language contradicted his eyes, telling me he was interested and having a good time. I don’t know if it was due to nerves, lack of interest or just a personal flaw, but no matter the reason, I felt ignored for most of the date.

Eye-contact during sex is of the utmost importance to me. I understand the dynamics of sex, and I fully understand when a man needs to page through the bank of hot guys in his head to get off. Things sometimes get stale. Sometimes you need to close your eyes to concentrate. But, if he can’t look me in the eye for more than five seconds without getting uncomfortable, we’ve got a problem.

Sex is intimate. He needs to be there, and he needs to be there with me! When I gaze it his eyes with all the passion of my being, I expect the same in return. Men don’t make it into my bed without a strong connection. I expect the feeling to be mutual.

When Broadway and I first started having sex, I would look into his eyes, and he would look away after a few seconds, as if he was uncomfortable. He could see how much of my heart I was putting out there, and he wasn’t meeting me half way. Because of this, I debated if he was simply using me for sex.

Eventually the eye-contact improved, and we could gaze into each others eyes for long periods of time without uttering a word. But when the eye-contact started to curtail again, I knew the relationship was heading downhill.

San Francisco made great eye contact. We woke in the morning simply staring into each others eyes. We only knew each other a short period of time, but I knew he was a passionate man who gave himself fully into a relationship.

There have been others I’ve slept with since who have great eye-contact. I can not only feel the passion they bring to the bedroom, but I can also see it. It says a lot about a man who can simply gaze into your eyes. His confidence. His tenderness. His passion. These are the men that are keepers to me. It’s all in the eyes.

This is my analysis of eye-contact. I’m sure you have your own, or maybe you completely disagree with me. Feel free to comment and put me in my place.

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  1. #1 by Jay Conway on June 9, 2011 - 10:19 AM

    To me, eye contact is paramount in anything. That’s just the way I’ve always felt. It is important when you’re out and about and checking some guy out. It’s definitely not a science. I can’t put it into a formula. But I just know. I get a little twinge in my craw that says he’s gay.

    When I first started acting out on my homosexuality, to put it bluntly, I was a whore. I didn’t care about connection or eye contact. Since I have calmed down, I have realized that connection and eye contact makes it infinitely better.

    I have a love/hate relationship with a4a by the way

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