Posts Tagged smoke
Blackout Regret & Poor Life Choices
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on August 5, 2011
On Thursday, I talked to N on GChat during work hours. It was simple banter. At the same time, I was confiding in NC. We talked about the conversation we had, and he consoled me. He told me, “You’re a good looking guy, good job, etc. Don’t set yourself up to get hurt.” I said, “Thanks! I really needed that!” “It’s true,” he said. “It’s true. I woulda hooked up with you. Not that it means much.”
I had a feeling this was true. I could feel the sexual tension when he stayed the night in my roommates bed. I responded, “And yet, you didn’t. Haha.” “Had I had a few more drinks and wasn’t planning on moving in with you, I woulda suggested cuddling that night,” he replied. This was welcome information considering I felt the same way that night, so I let him know: “And had you not been planning to move in, I totally would have.” I further thanked him and explained, “I know I’m hot and I’m a catch, but for someone to do this to me, sapped a bit of my confidence…”
By the end of the day, N informed me he was going to a work function following work. Thursday was a typical night for me to meet up with friends at my favorite bar, but I wasn’t particularly in the mood to go out with them.
Instead, when I got home, I texted my new gay gym buddy and asked if he was going to be at the gym. He was, so I told him I’d meet him there. Over the past few weeks, I saw him periodically, and we chatted. I would keep him in the loop on my failing relationship, and he would chat with me about his issues. Together, we were providing a little bit of therapy for each other.
I got there and had a chat between lifting. I could tell he was starting to get better, but I certainly was headed downhill since he first met me. I didn’t want to drag him back down with me, so I only told him some of the highlights.
When I was nearly finished lifting, N texted me, “Hey. You wanna go out tonight?” Of course my heart lept a little. I was happy he wanted to spend time with me. Maybe this friendship thing wouldn’t be so hard. Maybe we could shift right into friendship mode with no speed bumps. I played it coy, however. I asked him what time and where. Then, I informed him I was still at the gym and had to go home, shower, eat, and then I would be ready. Since he was still at his work function, the timing would work out perfectly.
As I left the gym, I wondered if this was a group thing or just the two of us. We still had a few things we needed to chat about, and I wasn’t sure if tonight was going to be the time for that conversation. I had said to him, “Maybe sometime we can get drunk and put it all out there and have a good laugh about this.” But maybe this wasn’t that sometime.
After I showered I came out to the kitchen to find L there.. I filled her in on the latest details and began to pour myself some Johnnie Walker. I texted N and asked him what time he wanted to hit the bar and asked where we were headed. He informed me he couldn’t find anyone to go out and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I would hit up my friends and see what I could round up, but I still wanted to go out regardless.
Apparently, it wasn’t going to be just the two of us. I was able to find two friends who were willing to go out, and I told them I would keep them in the loop when I knew what the plan was.
N texted and said he wanted to save some money by pregaming. He asked if he should grab a bottle from the liquor store to replenish some of the liquor he drank at my apartment. I graciously accepted the offer and told him I would see him in a few.
I was two glasses of scotch deep at this point, and my conversation with L was getting quite silly. Not sure why it hit me so fast, considering I can hold my liquor like a champ! After 20 minutes, I texted N asking what was taking him so long. He responded, “Walking out the door now.”
He came by with a bottle of Grey Goose. When he walked in the door, I got a luke-warm hug and a peck on the check, but that was to be expected. It just wasn’t what I was used to. I was also on to my third hefty glass of scotch. The Grey Goose wasn’t all he brought with him. He also brought some recreational supplies. I asked if he wanted to go out on the porch and smoke, but he wasn’t really feeling it. After some arm-twisting, he complied. I don’t know if it was the smoking or the spending time alone with me on the porch he was avoiding, but looking back I’m willing to bet it was the time alone with me.
When we came back in, I plopped down on the couch with another glass of scotch and the rest of the bottle of Johnnie. He sat in a chair rather far from me. L joined us as well after I extended an invitation. I was hoping her presence would help cut the tension.
The three of us sat and chatted while we drank. After some time, N’s roommate joined us. We talked about random things I can’t remember because the scotch began to kick in. At one point, N said something exceptionally person I never knew about him. It really pulled at my heartstrings. All I could think about was how much I wanted to give him a hug. I texted him and said, “You never told me about any of that.” He responded, “We never got that far, and I don’t like normally bringing it up unless it comes up in conversation.”
I asked him if he would come out on the balcony with me. His response: “I don’t mean to be rude, but why?” After that, I lost all the emotional sympathy I was feeling and received his message loud and clear. I said, “Forget it.” Of course, after that, he wanted to know what I wanted to talk about, but I told him to just forget it. We texted each other a few more times while we sat a few feet apart. I was now wasted. One of his texts even said, “You need more ice.”
Since it was getting late, N’s roommate and my roommate went to bed.
After that, everything is a blackout for me. The next thing I remember, I woke up alone and in a panic. It was the next morning, and I couldn’t remember N leaving my apartment that night. He wasn’t in my bed, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember how the night ended. I could hear L outside my door, so I shouted, “Did I do anything dumb last night!?” She told me we were still in the living room when she went to bed, so she had no idea.
I knew I needed to do some damage control. I didn’t know if I did anything inappropriate, but I knew at that point N was the only one who could tell me what happened. I texted him to ask what happened and preemptively apologize if I did anything wrong. I also explained that I had fun just hanging with him and our roommates and added, “Last thing I wanna do is make it uncomfortable…”
He responded, “We made out for a little bit. Then you tried bringing me in the bedroom but I couldn’t… That wouldn’t have been right for either of us.” I slapped myself in the forhead. Of course I did that. I responded, “Thank you for telling me this and thank you for being a gentleman.”
Surprisingly, he replied, “We both knew we wanted to but I couldn’t, especially with you as drunk as you were and I having sobered up.” I thanked him again for being a gentleman, and he countered, “No need to thank me… I’ll always be there for you.” It was a sweet notion. I had a lot of regret for putting us both in that position and was disappointed in myself for acting like a child.
Later that Friday, we talked on Gchat about the events of the night before. It was a very adult and civilized conversation. I was happy for that. We even spoke about what would have happened if I weren’t incapacitated by alcohol. While the conversation was nice, I knew for my own sake, I needed to put more distance between us, or I would never be able to get over him.
As the day progressed, N read my blog again. He read about NC commenting on my ability to do better and was not happy about it. I tried to calm him down, but there was already bad blood between the two. He decided to remove NC from his life and unfriended him on Facebook and blocked him on Gchat.
When 1:00 rolled around, I left work after a half day. I was headed to Belmar at the Jersey Shore with three friends and my sister for the weekend. I was very excited to get away and have some fun. I just got through the week from hell and needed some distractions. I would be free to do whatever and whomever I chose, and that made me very happy!
Follow @onegayatatime2 Can Play That Game
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 29, 2011
N and I were talking sporadically, but it was almost as if we weren’t in a relationship. He was working in the city that day, and sent me a text message asking what time I was heading in. I was getting in the habit of waking up and getting to work earlier. I still didn’t have my appetite and wasn’t eating breakfast in the morning, which bought me more time. I was also enjoying the distraction of work that kept me busy. I told him I would be heading in at 8:30. He said he wouldn’t be ready by then. I didn’t have to be in at a set time, so I waited for him.
Finally, at 9:15 he emerged from his apartment. Had I known he would take so long, I would not have waited, especially if I knew what was to follow. The conversation on the walk was very distant and awkward. We spoke as if we were already broken up. Most of the time, he was buried in his phone. Maybe he was on Grindr, but at this point, I didn’t care. I was too, and I was getting bites. When we were half way to the PATH, he pulls back and says, “Wait! This is telling me the bus is a better option for me to get to work.” Apparently we wouldn’t be going into to work together after all. I waited around for an awkward five-minute walk. He mentioned his need to stop at the ATM but would also needed exact change. Since I’m the overly generous person I am, opened my wallet and handed him a bus pass. He commented, “You would have this in your wallet.” Not even a thank you. I felt like one of his discarded used tissues. I allowed him to take advantage of my generosity, and I hated myself for it.
Before we headed our separate ways, he told me he was going to watch the fireworks with his family at his aunt’s house that night and would probably be staying there. We would not see each other that night.
While watching TV on the couch, I began to get horny. I decided to text the man I had sex with a few weeks earlier. He was a good lay, and I figured why not? I texted, “Hey man. Wanna come over?” He responded pretty quickly. He was out with friends but would stop by later. He added, “I not a whore or anything either, but I had fun last time with you.”
This is also the exact moment N texted me asking what I was up to because he was on his way back from his aunt’s house. In my passive aggressiveness, I told him watching a movie and chatting online. In the meantime, I texted the man from Grindr and informed him I would have to cancel and apologized. I got no response from N, so I asked if he was just checking up on me or if he was interested in hanging out. When N replied telling me he was just checking up on me, I immediately texted Mr. Grindr and told him to get his ass to my place and apologized for the confusion.
When he arrived, we went out to the balcony to hang out for a little bit and smoke. At this point, he started asking a lot of questions about N. When I asked him “What gives?” he explained someone meeting many of my descriptors had been texting him for some time now. He spoke up because when we met the first time, I was upfront and told him I was involved with someone. At this point, he offered to show me the messages he received. It was really none of my business what the exchanges were between them, but I graciously accepted the offer. What I saw next was just the dose of reality I needed. N had been asking this guy to hook up many times, even sending him pictures of his dick (with his face in the shot). So much for just talking! The icing on the cake was he was messaging him that night. He was playing back n forth between the two of us. That was the ultimate slap in the face. While he was sitting there in front of me, N was still texting him.
I knew better than to leave notifications on my phone when Mr. Grindr came over. I had a feeling N would text again, and I didn’t need a distraction. I was horny and was annoyed with N’s games. Mr. Grindr and I had an extensive conversation about the situation at hand. I apologized profusely for bringing him into the mess and came clean about using him just for sex. He actually was a good guy and I started to look at him as more of a friend than just a hookup. He didn’t need to tell me about N’s sexting, but he did. I greatly appreciated his candor.
With that, we headed inside to my bedroom. As we did, I glanced at my phone. I had three text messages from N asking if I was feeling better, asking how my chatting was going, and finally asking again what I was doing. Mr. Grindr looked at me and asked if it was N. I said yes as I put the phone down and lunged at him.
We had sex and it was good, but we needed to take a break. When we did, we discussed things again, but the conversation was more about the relationship between he and I, not involving N. He even asked, “Should I tell him to come over?” I loudly protested how bad an idea that was. I don’t know if he meant in the sense of a three-some, but I thought me meant more to confront him on his indiscretions. I told him it wasn’t my style to make a public spectacle of things. That type of action was not proper, not matter how much N was playing games.
At that very moment, Mr. Grindr got a text notification. He said, “That’s one of two people. Either my roommate or him.” I told him he didn’t need to look for me, but if he wanted to look for himself, that was his business. He looked, and sure enough, it was N asking him to hang out still. I got GREAT satisfaction out of this. Not only was N home alone with just his hand, but after trying to manipulate both of us, I got the guy. The two of them never had the opportunity to meet. Both were closeted and had roommates. They had nowhere “safe” to hookup.
Mr. Grindr’s morals kicked in at this point, and he decided it best if he went home. I tried to convince him to stay and chat further (and also finish what we started), but it was no use. He insisted on leaving. If I wasn’t feeling guilty enough for dragging him into this mess, now I felt downright awful. As he left, I walked to the window to watch what he did. I was curious if he was going to try to meet N. He walked to the corner of my street, looked at his phone, and looked toward N’s apartment. He paused a moment as I said out loud to myself, “Don’t you dare!” Just then, he turned and walked home. “Good boy!”
After about a half hour, I responded to N’s texts. I told him my appetite was returning and the online chatting was just Facebook. I then played dumb and followed up with, “Did you need something?”
The next morning I woke up to a text from N saying, “I wanted to see you.” What a prick! He didn’t want to see me. He wanted to get off! And, he didn’t care if it was Mr. Grindr or I. This cut deep, but my anger provided a sufficient band-aid for the time being. To me, it was his worst transgression. Even if they never met, he had every intent to do so. He even went as far as covering his bases by texting me should their plans fall through again. It was over. We were done. I do not stand for anyone treating me this way. After 26 years of single life and tormenting myself, I wouldn’t stand for this behavior! I deserve better! This was the wake-up call I needed, but this was just the beginning of my transformation back to my old self.
What Do You Want From This?
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on July 27, 2011
Tuesday came and went, and N and I barely talked. We usually messaged each other during the day at work on Gchat, but that day he wasn’t able to sign on. I was a little suspicious, but he said it happens periodically. I asked him to come over that night, and he said he would come by late. He wanted to go to the gym since he didn’t go the night before and ate and drank a lot at the graduation party.
I needed to further our discussion about what we were doing and where we were heading. I wasn’t satisfied with the current path laid out, so something needed to change.
When he came over, things were awkward. I didn’t get nearly the warm greeting I usually got. He hadn’t eaten, so he ordered a ton of food — Enough to feed three people. He also brought along supplies to smoke. We went out on the balcony so he could smoke. I was still feeling nauseous and not eating much. He mentioned smoking might be a good thing for my nausea. I hadn’t thought of that, and immediately agreed. The idea of smoking in my state wasn’t appealing, but the idea of feeling better sounded great at that point.
I asked him if we could talk about us. I wanted to get to him before his state of mind was altered. He responded, “Can I eat my food first?” Begrudgingly, I agreed, but this was torture for me. I knew it wouldn’t be a quick meal, and this was already eating at me for days. But, I would have to wait longer. We chatted a bit while I watched him eat, but the conversation was superficial and lacked substance.
When he was finishing eating, I was getting very flirtatious with him. I don’t know why I did this. Maybe I thought it was the only way to grab his attention. Maybe I was simply horny. Either way, we were making out in the kitchen and moved things to the bedroom. We had some fun and pleasured each other.
Warning: The following paragraph may be more graphic than you are used to reading here. When we got into bed, I started with the heavy petting and started using my mouth. After a short bit, we switched, and N gave me head. He always told me how much he enjoyed my dick and the taste of it. Whether or not this was just a line I will never know. I noticed immediately he was utilizing some new techniques. Of course my mind began to wonder where these came from? Another man recently perhaps? Either way, it felt great. Normally it took me some time to finish, but not tonight. He was finding all the right spots. I was very close, and right when he went deep, I exploded down the back of his throat. I didn’t make a noise when this was happening. I assumed he knew and that’s why he went deeper. When he pulled back, he asked why I didn’t tell him I was going to finish. I reminded him of an earlier discussion we had in which he told me I never needed to warn him of that. A big part of me did it on purpose. I did it in a power move. It made me feel like I had the upper hand. However, the power shifted almost immediately. He didn’t swallow all of my seed. A good portion was deposited back al over his hand. He motioned as if he was going to slap my chest with his semen-covered hand, but I protested. Instead, he quickly shifted and slid a semen-covered finger across my forehead and proclaimed, “Simba” and began to perform a victory dance around my bedroom. I have never before been so disrespected in my life. This one act solidified in my mind my status as his convenient booty call. No one disrespects someone they care about in this manner.
When we were finished, I ended up, arms folded, resting naked on his chest. Our faces were locked on each other, and I posed my question again, “Now can we talk about us?”
This whole time I felt like such a woman. I was doing all the things a needy girl does in a relationship, and I didn’t like it. But, I didn’t know what else to do. I needed answers, and I needed to know if he still had feelings for me.
So, I started the conversation. I asked, “What do you want from this?” I didn’t get a response. So, I posed another a better-phrased question, “Do you like where things are going?” He responded with a definitive yes. He explained he really enjoys spending time with me and thinks things were progressing well. I then asked, “Do you think we’re moving too fast?” Again, he said yes, and I agreed with him. We only knew each other a month and a half and he was spending almost every night in my bed. I took a lot of the blame here. I should have known better then to put us into that situation considering how new a gay relationship was for him. I asked if he wanted to take a step back, and again he said yes. I agreed and explained maybe we shouldn’t spend so much time together. In my mind, in light of recent events, I was already taking a step back to protect my own feelings. Now, I was going to give him all the space he needed. I was no longer going to be the first to initiate contact. I would respond to his messages, but I was going to give him a lot of space.
I know my hands were not clean at all. I had sex with another man. I justified it in my mind because it was just sex, and it was just to even the playing field for the suspected cheating. I had no emotional attachment to the man. But, in my mind, what N did at the bar was so much worse. I felt he was seeking out another relationship under my nose, not just a physical need. I now know how warped and hypocritical all this sounds, but at the time, it made sense to me.
I then took the opportunity to address N’s time spent on Grindr and at the gym. As he did two days earlier, he told me he was not actively seeking anything. He was just talking, “and not like ‘I want to stick it in your ass’ talking.” I knew better. No one just talks on Grindr. After all, it’s how I met N, and it’s how I met the random hookup. I wasn’t buying his line about just talking at all.
I told him if this was going to work, he needed to be completely honest with me. I could stand not being exclusive (or so I thought), but if that was the case, I needed to be kept in the loop. Looking back, I knew better. I don’t share my men. I knew that was not an arrangement I could be a part of, but I wasn’t ready to let him go.
We talked about how he didn’t need to spend every night with in my bed. He lived across the street. Some nights we could just do our own thing. He needed freedom, and I needed to give it to him if I wanted to keep him.
With that, it was starting to get late. I walked over to my phone and asked what time he needed to get up in the morning so I could set the alarm. He responded, “Well, I was going to go home.” I think my facial expression must have said a lot, because he immediately began to back peddle. He said, “No, but I’ll stay.” I said, “You can go home. You don’t have to stay. It’s fine.” I wasn’t even simply being passive aggressive. He insisted on staying now, and I gave him one more out. At this point, he pulled down the covers and got under the sheets.
The fact that he wanted to leave after our discussion painted a clearer picture for me. This was over. I didn’t fully know it yet, but we were done.
Follow @onegayatatimeAt the ripe age of 26, I came to a life changing conclusion. I'm GAY!
It took me 26 years to realize this and come to terms with it, but coming out's been the best decision of my life.
This blog is about my dating life in NYC and what happens next...
One Gay at a Time 