Birthday Debacle

I have never been big on celebrating my birthday. I much more enjoy casual gatherings. In years past, I have notified friends of my own plans to spend my birthday and invited them to accompany me.

White-wine-picnic_zps86szuiddMy 30th was no different. I told everyone that I would be heading to Central Park for a picnic to enjoy the beautiful weather, encouraging them to join me.

From the onset, CK was not happy that one of my ex’s and one of my best friends who also happens to be gay made the guest list.

Smiles, a slightly older man I “dated” for a mere three months, reached out to grab coffee a few months earlier. This was very out of the blue. I found it far-fetched that this meeting would be of a romantic nature. I agreed to meet him, but rather than stirring the pot, until I knew the topic of the meeting, I chose not to tell CK.

It turned out that Smiles wanted my help in making a proposal for a new initiative he was bringing to the city of New York. I was excited by the project and agreed to work with him, but it was caveated with the condition that CK was ok with it. When I got home that night, I ran the idea by CK. Begrudgingly, after much conversation on the topic, he agreed I could work with Smiles. I reassured him that even when Smiles and I were dating, we only had sex three times, let alone that happening now.

When I was making the guest list for my birthday gathering, it only felt natural that Smiles and one of my best (and one of very few gay) friends, Boston be a part of it. The night before the picnic, CK and I got into somewhat of an argument about it. He made an underhanded comment regarding the matter I didn’t appreciate but tried to ignore rather than dignify with a response.

The morning of the picnic, CK told me he invited a friend from work. I responded, “Sure. The more the merrier!” The irony of all this is that I learned the his coworker is gay the minute my ass touched the blanket in Sheep’s Meadow, and not a minute before. I’d heard his name time and time again. He told me how they started going to Cross Fit together. They were getting lunch together. But, he never mentioned the fact that he was gay. That detail seemed to slip his mind, but wouldn’t soon leave mine.

9192698634_b8c1a1a960_b_zpskdkufrgwWhen we arrived at the park, it was a beautiful day, and friends were coming from near and far. I was in such good spirits and thrilled to spend the afternoon with my closest friends with such great weather.

I have never been very good at introductions. It is one of my biggest social faux pas. I try to be better about it, but historically, I fail. This day was no different. Many people were arriving at the same time and everyone wanted to chat with me. I failed to introduce CK to a few friends as they arrived. I was in conversation, and he was as well. But, I should have done a much better job introducing. I think it stung a little more when I failed to introduce him to both Smiles and Boston. He’d heard lots about them but never met them in person.

As the afternoon progressed, the wine flowed. None more so than for CK. He actually began to flirt very heavily with Boston. Let me remind you, that Boston is ONLY a friend and nothing more. We are each other’s sanity check. That said, I think CK felt he was going to teach me a lesson. I noticed the flirting, the comments, the fact that he was laying his head in the small of Boston’s back while Boston awkwardly appeased… But, I chose to ignore all of this and have a good time.

What I couldn’t ignore was the scene that followed shortly after. I am NOT big on PDA. I do not like making out in front of people. Those are meant to be private exchanges, not exhibitions. CK made it clear that he had something to prove. He mounted my lap and began shoving his tongue down my throat. The more I resisted, the harder he pushed. I noticed the awkwardness on the countenance of my friends’ faces. I finally had to literally shove him off and say, “Enough!”

At this point, CK was sufficiently drunk, and this of course did not thrill him. Things did calm down. I wasn’t going to let CK ruin what was turning out to be the best birthday I’d ever had. Or was I.

22563d1295449445-can-anyone-recommend-decent-sleeping-tablets-081119_joint_545px_zpsrygpayagI did my best to deal with the situation that was CK, but there was only so much I could do. When CK asked if he could go to his coworker’s apartment to smoke, I was so tired of him, my immediate reply was, “Sure!”

I didn’t trust CK one bit with this coworker now that I knew a little more about him and seen them interact, but I needed him gone! He was making everyone uncomfortable, including myself.

Of course I wasn’t 100% sober, but I think it was in that moment that I had a serious moment of clarity. Before we left the apartment, CK asked if he could bring some pot to the lawn. I requested he not. I could see the disappointment and confusion on his face, but we’d fought about this very topic for so many months. I wasn’t giving in on this one. This was my birthday, and I didn’t want to risk anyone getting a ticket or arrested. We were already breaking the law with wine in solo cups. We didn’t need to do anything to draw anymore more attention to ourselves.

It was in this simple request that I learned CK’s true nature. He was always going to look out for numero uno above all else. It didn’t matter that the gathering was for his boyfriend’s birthday. He wanted to smoke, so that’s what he was going to do.

clouds-parting_zpstvm89rwtWhile CK was off with his head in a cloud of smoke, it was as if someone swept away all the clouds in that singular moment. We’d been through so much, and I’d always kept hope that we’d be together forever. But, in that moment, I realized we would not be. It was the straw (or joint) that broke the camel’s back.

After we got home, I spent a lot of time thinking. It wasn’t an easy decision. A lot went into it, and I’ll get into the turmoil of my decision much more in-depth in another post on another day…

So now that you know the end, let me go back to bring you up to speed. In the past my blog was very chronological. Now, however, it will be topical. Mainly because it’s been a while and I don’t remember nearly as many of the details when I was writing consistently. I hope you can follow along!

  1. #1 by Richard Phillips on March 31, 2015 - 12:29 AM

    Cool that you’re blogging again, and it’s good that you dumped him

  2. #3 by bking84 on April 2, 2015 - 11:33 AM

    Agreed. Avid follower of your blog and missed it while it was gone. Hope you’re well on your way to finding the love you deserve.

  3. #5 by Sean Bradley on April 7, 2015 - 8:24 PM

    Loving that the blog is back! I know you’re busy, but I sure wish we could get more posts! It’s like having a little taste of the excitement back, and being teased by not getting more. Haha. Thanks for writing again! I look forward to reading more!

    • #6 by One Gay at a Time on April 7, 2015 - 10:28 PM

      So glad to hear that! I’m doing my best to find the time to keep writing. Thanks for bearing with me!

  4. #7 by Joshua Lynn Balansay on April 28, 2015 - 3:59 PM

    Dang! That’s not a good way to celebrate a birthday! Drama drama drama. The way I see it is if you or your partner is not willing to communicate and try to at least do it effectively, there’s no way you can move your relationship forwards. You did the right thing in telling him about Smiles and what not. He didn’t do the best job in expressing his feelings and putting you on the back burner. I learned that the hard way. At least you are one step closer to knowing exactly what you want in a man!

    • #8 by One Gay at a Time on June 6, 2015 - 9:22 AM

      Yea, this year was a much nicer birthday celebration with NO drama. Still did the party in the park and had a blast, and didn’t think once of the previous year.

  5. #9 by Cameren Kahler on May 9, 2015 - 11:33 PM

    Such a shame that Clark Kent couldn’t rip off his shirt for you during your birthday picnic. Maybe he is a fraud; how long has it been since he wore his “tights” for you. I recall a song by Three Doors Down: Kryptonite. Check to make sure you don’t have any kryptonite near you, lest you kill off Superman. I am glad that you are writing again. Perhaps, you are superman; in fact to several readers, I know you are. Let me be the first in line to your dash of a new superhero, or seek for time of reconciliation; be in California. I know I am.

    • #10 by One Gay at a Time on June 6, 2015 - 9:24 AM

      Not sure if I was Superman’s Kryptonite, but I know I certainly was not his Louis Lane! And I don’t need to be a superhero. I just try to be the best man I can be. I’ve often considered moving to California, but never had anything to push me over the edge. Perhaps if I fell in love with a Californian, I’d easily be pulled out to the left coast.

  6. #11 by danielvn on May 18, 2015 - 3:18 PM

    I’m glad you’re blogging again and sorry that CK wasn’t the man you’ve been looking for.
    It seems like it’s always struggle for a lot of gay men to find true love/connection because of our obsession with the male physical attributes …but we tend to forget that a long lasting relationship is based on personality and compatibility too.
    I’m looking forward to your next post. I hope you won’t be too busy to keep your readers posted and that everything is going great for you.


    • #12 by One Gay at a Time on June 6, 2015 - 9:36 AM

      When sex became so easily attained, love become a true commodity. I’ll do my best to get another post out there soon.

  7. #13 by danielvn89 on May 18, 2015 - 3:44 PM

    I’m glad you’re back and blogging again.
    So sorry to hear that things with CK did not work out. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
    I think it’s always a struggle for a lot of gay men to find true love/connection because of the obsession with the male physical attributes while a long lasting relationship is based on personality and compatibility.
    You’re a nice guy who is serious about looking for a good relationship, I’m sure you’ll find that “someone” one day.


  8. #14 by Seif on May 23, 2015 - 2:14 AM

    Im glad you’re back! I love your blog!

    I can totally relate to what you’re saying!! Sometimes you test someone, albeit on morally grey grounds, hoping they step up and they just don’t.

    I sometimes put, in my opinion unfairly, high expectations on those I’m closest too. Best thing I’ve started to do is to realize that if it’s incompatible, no amount of concession will help. Eventually it’ll end.

    That’s one lesson I’ve learnt after I broke up with my ex of 2 years. Whether you’re 30 or 21 (that’s me haha), we can’t let people exploit our insecurities and instead should find people who complement and nurture our bruises (and vice versa)

    • #15 by One Gay at a Time on June 6, 2015 - 9:38 AM

      I hear ya man. You gotta true on a few gloves before you find one that fits and keeps your hands warm in the cold. I know eventually I’ll find a man to call my own. I just have to be patient and keep my eyes open.

  9. #16 by Michael on August 24, 2015 - 3:23 PM

    I’m glad you’re writing again, I’ve missed reading your posts!!! I’m sorry that CK wasn’t the hero but this also is a learning experience. You’re the better for it, despite how harrowing it was. One thing I always try to make sure to NOT do is bring in the old baggage when you’re ready to trust someone again. I’m glad you stood up for what’s important to you. Stay strong and keep on loving. Maybe I’ll end up seeing you around in the jungles of NYC. 😉

  10. #17 by Clean Cut on October 31, 2015 - 6:27 AM

    Any new topics to post? I’d love to read more

  11. #18 by chris on March 3, 2016 - 11:07 AM

    I think the source of the problem is you. CK was a jerk, but the next relationship will be dysfunctional, too, unless you do the hard work necessary to prompt some radical psychological/emotional personal growth.

    • #19 by One Gay at a Time on March 9, 2016 - 4:37 PM

      I’ve gone through my own personal growth after this relationship, but I’d love for you to elaborate on your comments to see if your thoughts line up with my own.

  12. #20 by jamied888 on April 2, 2016 - 12:01 PM

    I’m the same regarding public displays of affection. It nearly ended my last relationship, my boyfriend always thought it was because I was embarrassed of him or embarrassed of being openly identified as gay, but I genuinely feel if I was straight I would also be against too much PDA in any situation. I think moving on from CK was a good decision, once you know there won’t be a long term future then it’s not fair on either of you to try and make it work and waste valuable time.

  13. #22 by J.T. (@AngelofAgony69) on April 22, 2016 - 3:44 AM

    So, is your blog done forever. How have you cared?

    • #23 by One Gay at a Time on August 11, 2016 - 12:19 PM

      Hi there. This blog is not done forever. I do check back in from time to time. I will try to set aside some time to write a few posts in the near future…

  14. #24 by Colby on October 14, 2016 - 7:04 PM

    The days were passing by, and we wanted to meet again.

    He told me he wanted sex, that wasn’t my intention at first, by I was so attracted, I said …

  15. #25 by Anonymous on June 18, 2017 - 9:37 AM

    How are things going in NYC these days? How about an update?

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