I have never been big on celebrating my birthday. I much more enjoy casual gatherings. In years past, I have notified friends of my own plans to spend my birthday and invited them to accompany me.
My 30th was no different. I told everyone that I would be heading to Central Park for a picnic to enjoy the beautiful weather, encouraging them to join me.
From the onset, CK was not happy that one of my ex’s and one of my best friends who also happens to be gay made the guest list.
Smiles, a slightly older man I “dated” for a mere three months, reached out to grab coffee a few months earlier. This was very out of the blue. I found it far-fetched that this meeting would be of a romantic nature. I agreed to meet him, but rather than stirring the pot, until I knew the topic of the meeting, I chose not to tell CK.
It turned out that Smiles wanted my help in making a proposal for a new initiative he was bringing to the city of New York. I was excited by the project and agreed to work with him, but it was caveated with the condition that CK was ok with it. When I got home that night, I ran the idea by CK. Begrudgingly, after much conversation on the topic, he agreed I could work with Smiles. I reassured him that even when Smiles and I were dating, we only had sex three times, let alone that happening now.
When I was making the guest list for my birthday gathering, it only felt natural that Smiles and one of my best (and one of very few gay) friends, Boston be a part of it. The night before the picnic, CK and I got into somewhat of an argument about it. He made an underhanded comment regarding the matter I didn’t appreciate but tried to ignore rather than dignify with a response.
The morning of the picnic, CK told me he invited a friend from work. I responded, “Sure. The more the merrier!” The irony of all this is that I learned the his coworker is gay the minute my ass touched the blanket in Sheep’s Meadow, and not a minute before. I’d heard his name time and time again. He told me how they started going to Cross Fit together. They were getting lunch together. But, he never mentioned the fact that he was gay. That detail seemed to slip his mind, but wouldn’t soon leave mine.
When we arrived at the park, it was a beautiful day, and friends were coming from near and far. I was in such good spirits and thrilled to spend the afternoon with my closest friends with such great weather.
I have never been very good at introductions. It is one of my biggest social faux pas. I try to be better about it, but historically, I fail. This day was no different. Many people were arriving at the same time and everyone wanted to chat with me. I failed to introduce CK to a few friends as they arrived. I was in conversation, and he was as well. But, I should have done a much better job introducing. I think it stung a little more when I failed to introduce him to both Smiles and Boston. He’d heard lots about them but never met them in person.
As the afternoon progressed, the wine flowed. None more so than for CK. He actually began to flirt very heavily with Boston. Let me remind you, that Boston is ONLY a friend and nothing more. We are each other’s sanity check. That said, I think CK felt he was going to teach me a lesson. I noticed the flirting, the comments, the fact that he was laying his head in the small of Boston’s back while Boston awkwardly appeased… But, I chose to ignore all of this and have a good time.
What I couldn’t ignore was the scene that followed shortly after. I am NOT big on PDA. I do not like making out in front of people. Those are meant to be private exchanges, not exhibitions. CK made it clear that he had something to prove. He mounted my lap and began shoving his tongue down my throat. The more I resisted, the harder he pushed. I noticed the awkwardness on the countenance of my friends’ faces. I finally had to literally shove him off and say, “Enough!”
At this point, CK was sufficiently drunk, and this of course did not thrill him. Things did calm down. I wasn’t going to let CK ruin what was turning out to be the best birthday I’d ever had. Or was I.
I did my best to deal with the situation that was CK, but there was only so much I could do. When CK asked if he could go to his coworker’s apartment to smoke, I was so tired of him, my immediate reply was, “Sure!”
I didn’t trust CK one bit with this coworker now that I knew a little more about him and seen them interact, but I needed him gone! He was making everyone uncomfortable, including myself.
Of course I wasn’t 100% sober, but I think it was in that moment that I had a serious moment of clarity. Before we left the apartment, CK asked if he could bring some pot to the lawn. I requested he not. I could see the disappointment and confusion on his face, but we’d fought about this very topic for so many months. I wasn’t giving in on this one. This was my birthday, and I didn’t want to risk anyone getting a ticket or arrested. We were already breaking the law with wine in solo cups. We didn’t need to do anything to draw anymore more attention to ourselves.
It was in this simple request that I learned CK’s true nature. He was always going to look out for numero uno above all else. It didn’t matter that the gathering was for his boyfriend’s birthday. He wanted to smoke, so that’s what he was going to do.
While CK was off with his head in a cloud of smoke, it was as if someone swept away all the clouds in that singular moment. We’d been through so much, and I’d always kept hope that we’d be together forever. But, in that moment, I realized we would not be. It was the straw (or joint) that broke the camel’s back.
After we got home, I spent a lot of time thinking. It wasn’t an easy decision. A lot went into it, and I’ll get into the turmoil of my decision much more in-depth in another post on another day…
So now that you know the end, let me go back to bring you up to speed. In the past my blog was very chronological. Now, however, it will be topical. Mainly because it’s been a while and I don’t remember nearly as many of the details when I was writing consistently. I hope you can follow along!