Merriam-Webster defines trust as: Assure reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something — one in which confidence is placed — dependence on something future or contingent (hope).
The irony of me starting with the definition is that I don’t believe trust can ever be defined or codified. Trust is relative. It’s an fragile, unspoken contract between two individuals.
Everyone approaches trust in a different way. Some give it all, and then slowly tighten the reins. Some start with no trust until it is earned. Neither approach is wrong, as every situation and individual experiences trust in different ways.
From the beginning, I never fully trusted CK. After all, our first interaction was over Grindr. We started chatting one morning, and that same evening after messaging him on my way home, he propositioned me with sex. Of course he didn’t realize it was me in that instance, but all the more reason for my sensors to be heightened.
I’m a very monogamous individual. Cleary, if you’ve read any of my posts you know that when I’m in not in a relationship I have my fun with multiple men. But as soon as I start dating someone, I flip the monogamous switch.
CK and I were dating a few weeks before I conveyed to him my desire to move into monogamy. I didn’t trust that he was only with me, and I somewhat forced him to make a choice. Verbally, he chose me, but I quickly learned that his words were just that. Words. His actions were speaking louder than words. Because of my lack of trust in CK, I was looking at his phone every once in a while. I know how wrong this is, and I’m not proud of it. But, I also don’t regret it.
One month after we met, I met CK’s mother. I took this to mean something. I thought it was a BIG step. Sure, it was fast, but she lived in Miami, so I went with it. Who knew the next time the opportunity would arise? Apparently, CK didn’t see this as quite the milestone I did. In looking through his texts, I learned he was not yet being monogamous. I didn’t end things then and there and accepted this reality because I did somewhat force monogamy upon him before he was ready. But, I did learn that CK was lying to me. He was quickly losing my trust.
Throughout the entire two years we dated, small things ate away at my trust in him. He lied and betrayed my trust on a consistent basis. I would explain to him, “I notice everything. You’re probably not going to get away with it, so it’s best just to be honest with me.” That didn’t seem to matter. He would lie about the most insignificant things. So I always wondered, “If he’s lying about these insignificant things, what else is he lying about?”
There were times I would “test” him to see if he’d tell the truth. I already knew the answer before I asked the question. Inevitably, he would still lie straight to my face. Even when I would give him a second chance to be honest, the lies kept coming until I proved to him I knew he wasn’t being truthful.
This relationship fully illustrated to me how trust is paramount in every relationship. Without it, a divide is inevitable. I don’t think he ever fully trusted me either; otherwise I feel he would have let himself be more vulnerable and open with me. Trust is a two-way street. It’s a mutual contract. It thrives on balance.
When I decided to finally end things, trust was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I celebrated my 30th birthday with a Central Park picnic and all my closest friends. Even after an explanation, he pitched a fit over me inviting Smiles and Boston. For starters, I’d never been intimate with Boston other than a Miami beach make out. And, Smiles and I certainly didn’t have the strongest track record for intimacy when we were dating for those three months. He had nothing to worry about on either accounts. However, at the gathering, he got drunk and made a scene. Furthermore, he and his new best friend from work, who also happens to be gay, disappeared for about an hour when he asked if they could go to his place to smoke.
Now that exercised my trust muscle. But, all that’s a story for another day…
#1 by Adrian Paul Segundo Balansay on March 26, 2015 - 11:27 PM
Wow, I completely understand the trust issue. I’m one of those people who has no trust in the beginning until you have earned it. Throughout all my relationships up to my current relationship where my husband of 5 years now has been the only one who lived up to my standards. Trust is a very hard thing to come by and I have learned that you need to give trust in order to have trust. If you believe in something wholeheartedly you need to go by it. If your instincts are telling you something, trust them. Trusting yourself is the first step to trusting someone else. Great post.
#2 by One Gay at a Time on March 30, 2015 - 6:25 PM
Great comment dude! Glad to hear a trusting success story. Helps with realizing the possibility’s out there!
#3 by Adrian Paul Segundo Balansay on March 30, 2015 - 6:46 PM
Thank you so much. It’s been a very hard, and long ride….. no pun intended…. -ish… but it has definitely been worth it. It’s good to know that both you and your partner are on the same page!
I love your blog! I’m a new reader and I’ve been trying to read your story all the way from the beginning. Really great stories!
#4 by One Gay at a Time on March 30, 2015 - 7:13 PM
Glad you’re enjoying it. I’m trying to update the blog when I can find the time to write. I’ll do my best. Thanks for the compliments!
#5 by Cory on April 3, 2015 - 4:10 PM
Gay. Love hurt’s
#6 by Cory on April 3, 2015 - 4:13 PM
Aull Gay love hurt’s. Boys & guys
#7 by dubz777 on December 30, 2017 - 4:21 AM
Read” Shady-as-fuck though to invite Smiles, be honest with yourself?
#8 by babydollpink on July 29, 2018 - 5:47 PM
Why is no one telling this dude the truth? Well I am going to be devil advocate and say it. Your bf “cheated”! I get it! but what you did was just as bad. Take some responsibility. you invited 2 ex-lovers with no consideration for his feeling and he acted out. Your blog/story is really interesting and I read it in one sitting and sometimes I wished I could cross the screen and bitch-slap you. I wouldn’t be surprise if he stopped denying cheating on you just because you wouldn’t believe him anyway. That’s mental torture, Have you heard of people admitting to crime they didn’t commit just to stop the interrogation and accusations from the police? You are very controlling, you like things YOUR way, you don’t seem to like compromise and you stress and overthink way too much. Learn to live in the moment for Pete’s sake. You seem to live the moment way after it has passed and everyone has moved on. ( it has happened many times I read in this blog). When you don’t trust someone whatever they say to you is a lie, every action from them has a double meaning, even the more insignificant one, I feel the stress and frustration he must have felt, living with someone so stressful, tiptoeing, in fear to say the wrong/right thing with the same outcome.. You must a great friend but as bf? I dunno. The embarrassment you felt? I’m sure you felt it alone, not your friends, that’s your stressful and overthinking nature. Relax a little, really, enjoy each moment as it happens. I hope your ex-bf is happy whatever his situation is at the moment.
#9 by One Gay at a Time on August 27, 2018 - 5:29 PM
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate many of your sentiments, and I do agree 100% that I need to live more in the moment and not over analyze. I am very controlling and don’t compromise. This is something I work on and strive to improve. In regard to the cheating, it did happen a week after we moved in together. The proof was there in black and white. It was my mistake for not addressing it head on when it happened and allowing it to be the elephant in our relationship for the next 1.5 years. Whether or not it was happening again at the end of our relationship is irrelevant… Trust was already gone long before that. We simply weren’t a match. That said, I learned a lot from that relationship and look to be a better man from the things I’ve learned. Thank you again for your comment.
#10 by babydollpink on July 29, 2018 - 6:59 PM
I think you entered this relationship with too many scars and psychological baggage of your own and that must have been hellish for you both. I would recommend you to go on a journey of self-discovery, attend your wounds and cure them, see how you can do better, learn to trust again. TRUST – No relationship, no matter how strong the love (or good the sex) is, can survive without it. I have wished many times while reading your blog to bitch-slap the sens out of you but at the same time I also wanted to hug you cause I could feel your pain, frustration and anger. People as anxious as you are need to understand sometimes (not always) it’s just in their head. (I’m talking about social gathering, not cheating,….although…). I hope you are happy now, whatever your love-life is at the moment.
#11 by One Gay at a Time on August 27, 2018 - 5:33 PM
It’s taken me years of self discovery, and I’m still nowhere near where I’d like to be. But… Progress nonetheless. Over the years I’ve learned that trust above all is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I’ve had relationships since then that have ended (and we’ve remained friends) because we weren’t a match. But above all, I know he was always 100% honest with me, now and then. It showed me that a relationship can exist with strong communication and honesty. It showed me there are men I can trust. I’ve grown a lot, but I still have a long way to go. Thanks again for your comments!