Gay Advice for Straights

One Saturday, one of my straight male friends asked me to go to the mall with him. I was in a shopping mood, so I gladly agreed. However, I had never been shopping with him before. This trip had the potential to be the day from hell. Luckily, it wasn’t. I actually had a great time with him and think we may have bonded more that day.

One of the stops that day was Kiehl’s. The second we walked through the door, he took notice of one of the attractive girls working there. While I was looking for the products I came to purchase, he was being helped by another woman who worked there. From afar, I watched the whole interaction while he passively hunted his dream girl down. To his credit, the she was scoping him out while he shopped.

After a solid 20 minutes in the store, we checked out and left. But not before entering the daily raffle so we would have an excuse to come back (my idea to stick around the mall until the tickets were drawn).

As we walked away, we discussed what went on in the store and his feelings towards her. I instructed him he needed to talk to her when we went back. He agreed. Three more stores and a half hour later, we went back for the results of the raffle. Of course neither of us won, but that wasn’t the point. Sadly, when we went back, he barely said a word to her. He went as far as asking for her name, but failed to strike up a conversation.

The second we left the store, I laid into him. He had a uncanny ability to talk to anyone usually, and he was just prepared to walk away from this girl. Not if I had anything to do with it. As we neared the car, I was adamant he go back and talk to her. He insisted it would look pathetic at this point and continued to move towards the car. But, I assured him. Walking back in there had the slight aroma of desperation, but walking up to her to ask her to go out sometime showed confidence an balls. She would be flattered by all the visits and thing it was cute, not pathetic. He even went as far as pulling a random woman aside to ask her opinion on the situation. Of course she agreed with me.

I could see he was finally considering going back to the store. However, he was at a complete loss for words. He had no idea what to say to her once he walked back into there. I told him, “It’s simple. All you have to say is, ‘Hi again. I came back because I couldn’t leave without asking if maybe you wanted to grab a drink or a cup of coffee sometime.’ ”

He agreed with my line, and we started back to the store. He chickened out about 20 times along the way. After I threatened I wouldn’t leave unless he went in there, he finally gained the courage to march back into the store. I stood in the middle of the mall and timed how long he was in there. Two and a half minutes. A very good sign!

Unfortunately, not so much. She had a boyfriend. But on the flip-side, he was happy to be leaving with that knowledge instead of torturing himself for the rest of the day with regret.

He’s certainly not the first, nor the last of my straight friends who have sought my advice when it comes to dating. I think they come to me because they recognize my new found confidence and want their own. In fact, he’s still calling me asking what he should do. I have female friends who want to know what the guy they’re dating is thinking. I’m the last person anyone should be coming to. My relationship track record is both short and flawed. However, I am a people watcher, and I have strong opinions. And I’m brutally honest. Even if it’s not exactly what you want to hear, I’m going to give you the cold hard truth. I’ve watched countless relationships build and crumble around me. I’ve learned from their mistakes. Hopefully, what I’ve learned is as beneficial to myself as it is to those I share my advice with.

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